Benno (@Benglorious)

So far so good on avoiding the plague-carrying mosquitoes, but in focussing all my efforts on not getting injected with horrible diseases by tiny little creatures, I reunmisunderestimated an ancient and even more deadly foe: The Sun (not the newspaper – I won that particular battle years ago).

I’ve been burned before and thought I’d learned my lesson, but apparently the sun in Mexico teaches at a different school, possibly in Spanish. This could be a problemo (problem).

Opposition Summary: The Sun is the star at the center of the Solar System and is by far the most important source of energy for life on Earth. It is a nearly perfect spherical ball of hot plasma, with internal convective motion that generates a magnetic field via a dynamo process. Its diameter is about 109 times that of Earth, and it has a mass about 330,000 times that of Earth, accounting for about 99.86% of the total mass of the Solar System. It is unclear what colour shirt it wears as nobody has ever looked directly at it.

Prediction: Kloppo to spend so much time hugging players and waving to his dentist that he forgets how good United are against teams that are being hugged by their manager. Martial will bag his first hat-trick and Mignolet will forget all about his car insurance woes and get himself a tidy brace, sending United through easily on aggregate. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Cannot words as Assassins Creed: Syndicate is too good.

Some review:

Good, bad, plot holes, wry comment etc that aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Despair. 

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Cannot words as Despair: Certified is too all consuming. That aside, pretty good words coming up…

I’m chill tonight. Cooking up a vegan ballotine with vegan foam on a bed of deconstructed vegan consumme. I’m vegan but not one of those vegans who goes on about it vegans. Thing is, I can’t for the life of me remember where the bottle of sun-lotion I keep my vegetable oil in has got to…

Not the first time Benno’s been BURNED. That’s funny cos ‘to burn’ has two meanings (probably more, but Wikipedia is blocked at work) and that joke works on the quasi-juxtaposition of those two meanings; utilising your frontal lobes ability to cognitively disambiguate between the two simultaneously (also, I’m not even actually at work when writing this, just riffing like a journo maverick).

Prediction: If the Mexican Witch I paid heavily comes good on his promise, Benno has now only got to contend with Earth and Wind trying to killo himo to deatho (not sure if there is an equivalent translation in English). 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Fantastic scenes as I probably won’t be watching the match due to me going to Mexico to catch the Zika virus. May still be able to watch it with a tiny head, but scientists are unclear at this point in time.

Opposition Summary: The yellow fever mosquito (Aedes Aegypti) can be recognized by white markings on its legs and a marking in the form of a lyre on the upper surface of the thorax. The mosquito originated in Africa but is now found in tropical and subtropical regions throughout the world. Aedes Aegypti is a vector for transmitting several tropical fevers. Only the female bites for blood, which she needs to mature her eggs. She can fuck right off.

Prediction: Two weeks of paranoia about any flying insect and everything tasting of bug spray. That aside, pretty good. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

With almost innumerable column inches being written over United’s latest debacle, it seems that even for bifurcated, the silliness is over, the time for jokes long gone. With a manager so inept he is only outshone by his employer, the idea of the club in crisis is becoming a reality with seemingly no-one available to comment or arrest the slide – lose today and all chances of a trophy this season are effectively over. On the off chance he’s reading, here are 4 things Louis can do IMMEDIATELY to save our season:

1. Any old iron – Put piles of scrap iron all round OT; hopefully their light-fingered fans will purloin said items and scarper, leaving less support for their team.

2. Roll out some barrels – according to cockney law, any player in West Ham colours will have to stop playing and deal with said barrels

3. Do a Lambeth walk – If all our fans adopt this strange custom en route to OT, the Irons might think they’re still in London and hurry to the train to make KO

4. Hold Chas N Dave to ransom

The Terminator (1984)

Written and Directed by James Cameron, this is so much better than all the others (T2 excluded) that I’m genuinely embarrassed for the losers who made the last one. ‘Would you go in back in time and kill Hitler?’ but in this case Hitler is good and a woman and a waitress and its the time-traveller who is bad and also a robot with skin over it and the answer is ‘yes’. I think Futurama did it. Anyway, bad robot comes back to kill good waitress and her future which is mother of the new Jesus. All makes sense, Arnie is a beast and Michael Biehn rules all as Reese. I’m glad they destroyed this movie with the new one. Fucking clown shoes.

Prediction: Benno to get the Zuko virus (it mutates to create small-headed 50s greasers) and us all to laugh. Numerous clips to be shown of Di Canio doing (the) Barthez. Nice atmos altogether really. LvG to finally crack and just start doing lines off his arm. 1-1, Rooney brace.

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 Brett(@tack@tack@tack)

Brett’s account of Friday night:

[FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]

There was something I wanted to tell Benno before he went away but I can’t remember for the life of me what it was. Can’t have been important…

Anyway, jokes on them towels, cos there is footage from Friday in the form of a drunken selfie, I don’t remember taking, but if I post it on here I will lose all respect and also my job. Lol @ respect.

Aedes Aegypti with a brace.

Prediction: 0-0 United, Nasri, Rooney, Danny, other tired jokes. Benno to get the Zako virus (comes back over ‘ere and takes all our jobs) and us all to laugh. That aside, pretty good.

Aaaah, I just remembered the thing I wanted to tell Benno … I used all his bug spray when I ran out of basil, when I was cooking his farewell tea at us “house” the other night. But it’s okay cos I refilled it with acid and piss and blood.