(@Benglorious)

It’s always great playing West Ham, especially fifteen times in three weeks. Sometimes we even beat them. Except when Blackburn won the league that one time. Ask your dad. Or Paul. Whichever one actually remembers. Paul.

Prediction: Rooney to score from anywhere up to 70 yards away but only if he plays. Martial to do a madness and Zlatan to kick the ref’s face off. The goal stands. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I preferred football when it was just three, sometimes four games a year, back in the days when if a player even thought about using any part of his boot except the laces to score a goal he’d have been executed by firing squad.

Prediction: Mkhitaryan to score one using his ballbag. 1-0 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

So long as we don’t give David Moyes the satisfaction of being able to talk some abso bull shit about some abso bull shit then who really cares.

Prediction: We give David Moyes the satisfaction of being able to talk some abso bull shit about some abso bull shit. 0-0 United.

If only we could think of a way of getting our hands on a player like Alexis Sanchez, and getting rid of players like Mkhitaryan.

Here’s the five things we learned:

1. Got Anthony Hopkins interested in my Lambs idea.

2. Disappointing debut for Sanchez imho but Mkhitaryan had a good game.

3. I didn’t watch it tbh.

4. @ me out of this.

5. No.

1. Had a look and nobody had done owt so i didn’t either. Cool story bro.

2. Same.

3. Oh.

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(@Benglorious)

Celta Vigo are not a team United should be taking lightly this evening. After all, this IS the business end of the elite Europa competition-that-isn’t-for-the-best-clubs-in-Europe-but-still-gives-us-annoying-midweek-games-that-make-us-draw-all-our-important-matches-but-at least-if-we-do-win-the-whole-thing-it-does-mean-that-we’re-better-than-Liverpool League.

Prediction: Another debut goal for Rashford and yet another hat-trick for Ronaldo as the Reds cruise to an easy victory. 0-0 United

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 (@tom_mcghee)

There is simply no way Brett can speak Dutch.

Celta Vigo were founded in 1989 after losing to the Ghostbusters and Bobby Brown – a Carpathian team of dubious intentions, they’ve come a long way from those dark days (literally – they’re now in Spain !!) and Jordi Cryuff used to play for them. Hey! He played for us too! What a small world/it really really is.

Star Wars: All of them but not the two newest ones (1977-2005)

1. Star Wars: Badass wants his plans back, farm boy and his super friends think this is dumb. Ruddy brilliant.

2. The Empire Strikes Back: Game-changer, Empire is the film The Beatles could’ve been. Turns out Darth is Luke’s dad. Despite what Kenobi had said earlier, the maniac. Ruddy Brilliant.

3. Return of the Jedi: Feel-good factor of It’s a Wonderful life but without the boring bits and with more Star Wars. Final lightsaber duel, Darth’s redemption and Williams’ score make this the best piece of cinematography in the world ever. To disagree is to admit you are in fact for tools.

4. The Phantom Menace: This wedding is horseshit.

5. Attack of the Clones: Bite my Banger, Lucas

6. Revenge of the Sith: I could legit have made a better film than this with my balls.

Prediction: Brett to pretend to speak Dutch, scorn poured from all quarters. Let’s say 1-0, us.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

If there is a worse treble than the Charity Shop, EDL, and Eurovision, then I’m a Dutchman.

Niet een clownshoes nederlander zoals Vangle, maar een machtige boom zwakkeloos volleying als Van Persie. Ik ben Nederlands van die tijd dat Liverpool dat droomde dat het wel beter was dan deze, past bij het United fan profiel dat ze altijd lolling en een grapje op hun kosten maken.

Prediction: En ik hou van de gedachte om thuis naar je toe te komen, zelfs als ik weet dat we het niet kunnen maken. Lol houdt van de laatste twee voorspellingen. Hashtag merk. Nul – Nul, United.

Hashtag Rash is Life 4 Life yo!

Here’s 5 things we Europa learned:

1. Rasherz with the R3 manoeuvres made me do a bit of wee.

2. Marcus Rashford = D4 damager with the ill behaviour.

3. Idg United fans at all: ‘Zlatan is holding us back’ all season, where are the goals coming from now??’ when he’s injured. After being awful.

4. Pogba really needs a goal lol. The Rashbona and overhead kick would’ve been sweeeeeet.

5. Rashbona is ours. And it’s provocative.

6. Hey!! Guys!! We actually did 5 things for once!! Oh.

Here’s 5 thing we learned:

1. Ghost Rider is in Agents of Shield.

2. He’s no Nicolas Cage.

3. He makes Nic Cage look like House Party 2.

4. I am so bored of United.

In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as “apparently” one like on Twitter from yourself doesn’t count as a monetary pledge with the bankerers.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. They may have cheated, but what they accomplished is incredible.

2. Saying that, PSG shouldn’t have been so complacent.

3. Phil Jones has no business in sport.

4. Those Fellaini numbers eased the pain.

5. Lol @ Di Maria the rat-faced fuck.

Here’s 5 things we learned as our mighty Reds leapfrogged our mighty Reds to take 6th place:

1. Always knew we were great.

2. Ibra is shit unless he’s good.

3. Leicester are fucking pants.

4. Nice use of ‘pants’, dad.

5. Does a Tony V assist count double?

6. Why would that help?

7. Stats.

Here’s 5 things we learned between the mountains of blow and fountains of boobies:

1. Winning is good.

2. Losing is bad.

3. Moyes is bad.

4. Ergo, Moyes is a loser.

5. PROFIT!!!!

6. Did you see the Mkhitaryan goal tho?? He was like ‘uh oh ball’s behind me yo’ but then he was all like ‘don’t even matter dogg’ and it was all like a scorpion if his legs were a stinger.

7. Innit tho. Scorpions cannot kick like that due to the way their leg joints are hinged.

8. Makes zero sense. People are idiots.

9. Not us.

10. Brett is not us.

11. Brett is all of us.

12. Gross.