(@Benglorious)

Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words).

Prediction: Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words). 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Who is the best Ham’? is a question that has plagued mankind since we first met pigs and subsequently ate them. In this essay I will try to answer this enigma wrapped inside yet another smaller enigma, itself hiding within Brett’s spleen and/or hairline either way surgery is probably necessary sorry Brett i didn’t invent science.

Fulham:

1. Fully invested in Ham, have to admire how they’ve nailed their colours to this particular pork mast (not prison slang)

2. Nothing else. Literally nobody knows anything about Fulham, I would be surprised and disappointed if their own supporters do.

West Ham:

1. Lol

2. Further lols

Gotham:

1. I like the arrogance; ‘Got Ham’ like a boast and a taunt (to those without ham)

2. Birthplace of Batman

3. A wonderful city full of dreamy police commissioners and delightful characters.

4. I think we can all agree the contest is over now.

Prediction: Someone to do something does anybody give a fuck anymore 1-1 Lukaku scores after falling down some stairs.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

I don’t agree the contest is over…

Babycham:

1. Though it’s not clear from the file notes what happened to Babyaham, or Babybham – that have been conveniently filed in Yale University’s archives and are inaccessible until the year 2050 – we can assume that in the absence of Babydham through to Babyzham that Babycham was such a successful ham that no further ham was necessary.

Tottenham:

1. What’s with the infant theme?

Prediction: 2-1 United the piano follows up on the first Lukaku goal (see above) with a last minute diving lid.

(@Benglorious)

After basking in the glow of Sunderland getting deservedly relegated, I considered calling Ol’ Davey Moyes to offer my sympathies. However, I then remembered what an odious prick and terrible manager he is so I went for a poo instead. I also didn’t have his number.

Prediction:  Swansea to knockout Klitschko in the first innings with a 147 break. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

We seem to have become a Mick Hucknall fan account. I am that dog in the everything is fine meme !!!

Swans live in rivers. To put them in a sea? Madness.

Boxing Review: Joshua VS Klitschko (2017)

What a fight! Both men employing the punching technique to punch each other, early rounds looked like Joshua was the best at punching but then Wladimir’s punches started to work better and it was hard to tell (punch wise). Seemed like Joshua was winning but then he delivered an almighty upwards punch (you *may* have seen it on Twitter. I didn’t post it because it cost me £20 so you proles can go suck it/I respect Sky’s terms and conditions) and it was all over. Bar some more punching. That aside, actually very very good.

Prediction: Klitschko by KO in the 6th.

(@bifurcated_utd)

AND I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF COMING HOME TO YOU, EVEN IF I KNOW WE CAN’T MAKE IT!! Great times.

Prediction: AND I LOVE THE THOUGHT OF COMING HOME TO YOU, EVEN IF I KNOW WE CAN’T MAKE IT!! Great times. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Goals are good.

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: Moyes to crank up the post-match interview game by drop-kicking everyone in the head. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Captain Fellaini 2017

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That aside, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Prediction: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

David Moyes was never afforded the credit he deserved for masterminding our great escape from the top four, and paving the way for future generations of 6th place finishes. Hopefully, his achievements at Sunderland, in finally fulfilling their lifelong ambition to be relegated, will be suitably rewarded i.e death by cupboard dropped on his stupid mouth face from a plane carrying a ‘chosen one’ banner, piloted by Marouane Fellaini.

Alternate preview: The cupboard was never afforded the credit he deserved for masterminding our capacity to draw (DRAWER).

Alternate preview 2: Phallus in Sunderland (Alice in Wonderland).

Prediction: All the possessions. All the shots. All the posts. All the goals disallowed for being onside. All the things she said. All the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head (but substitute ‘she’ for ‘he’ i.e Jose, photoshopped over a picture of Luke Shaw). GGMU. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned between the mountains of blow and fountains of boobies:

1. Winning is good.

2. Losing is bad.

3. Moyes is bad.

4. Ergo, Moyes is a loser.

5. PROFIT!!!!

6. Did you see the Mkhitaryan goal tho?? He was like ‘uh oh ball’s behind me yo’ but then he was all like ‘don’t even matter dogg’ and it was all like a scorpion if his legs were a stinger.

7. Innit tho. Scorpions cannot kick like that due to the way their leg joints are hinged.

8. Makes zero sense. People are idiots.

9. Not us.

10. Brett is not us.

11. Brett is all of us.

12. Gross.

 (@Benglorious)

Happy Christmas, Brett. Hope you fucking choke on your lyrics.

Prediction: Brett to choke on his lyrics. Moyes to get booed. Nobody cheers. Rojo penalised. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Why food poisoning can kill creativity’ – an essay by Tom McGhee

I first suspected I was sick when I was violently sick. My suspicions were confirmed when I carried on being sick for hours, then days. Was it not Proust who said: ‘He will teach me, for is not he, too, in some degree the Truth?’ Either way; lesson is, don’t eat rancid hog fat.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, there will be no film review this week. Take it up with Brett.

Prediction: I only know we’re playing Sunderland because I read Benno’s first. 6-0 United, Moyes is a cupboard.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Probably won’t do one because I’m a lazy hotelier and I hate my audience.

Prediction: Me to choke on my lyrics. 0-0 United. 

Fergie apparently started out one point better than this. Moyes started out a bit better than that. Van Gaal started out a bit better still. Makes you think. About punching a hole in the Universe with a shark made from Duncan Castles’ face. That aside, pretty good.

Here’s 5 things we learned from, the first leg, of the final of who’s the best United out of the two remaining Uniteds in the English Premier League:

1. I am bored of every Manchester United that isn’t the old one when we were good.

1) Golden Moles are pretty sweet little killers.

2. You can’t have two 1s, it makes a mockery of this whole system.

2) Yet we can have two 9s who cancel each other out. Makes you think.

*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.

Here’s five things we learned:

1) 0-0 draws are the new 5-0 wins.

2) Why hasn’t Fellaini been turned into glue yet?

3) Why haven’t we got a better a joke than the a glue one yet?

4) Newspapers never lie.

5) What about smoke machines?