(@Benglorious)

Can’t wait for the Henderson/Pogba battle today, where one will finally be crowned the greatest midfielder in the Premier League and the other will still be called Jordan.

Prediction: Ole to be at the wheel, but he makes sure everybody’s got their seatbelts on and all the fluids are topped up. Especially the screenwash. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Apparently my brother’s boiler is leaking so I can’t write a preview. How convenient for me. Oh, I’ve got to fix the boiler if that wasn’t clear. I’m a plumber, a pipe jockey, a tubesucker, a porcelain pirate, a shitslider, for those who are reading this and don’t know me, which is none of you.

m 

The Umbrella Academy (2018)

In 1989 there were 43 children born to mothers who weren’t pregnant. This is the story of 7 of those children, but more like just 6. Actually, it’s 5 of the kids in one story and 1 in another. The 2 stories are combined. Mary J Blige is in it. Oh, and a monkey butler. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Alex, if you’re reading this, Tom’s gonna charge you double rate because it’s Sunday even though he’s your brother and he’s the Tiny Terry to your Zeke. Crush him and then stand over his mangled body, laughing manga-style at his misfortune and your superiority. Oh, make sure he does the work first. 2-1 United, in an absolute thriller.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

The big question is: can Liverpool stop our march to the title? This reporter says no. Wasn’t actually as big a question as I was hoping at just seven words long, so, going to have to put some serious pad around this to reach a reasonable fifty word coFuck it cba.

Prediction: in spite of the media’s insistence, Liverpool’s defence is actually not all that good, and is actually only as good as ours, apart from we are actually better cos Dave. It’s going to be goals, goals, goals in a 4-3 thriller like MJ without the sleeping pills. FT: 0 – 0 United 

m

(@Benglorious)

Fuck Andy Murray. I don’t hate him because he’s Scottish. I don’t hate him because he’s a miserable cunt. I don’t even hate him because he plays the most Tory of sports. I hate him because he let the Green Goblin kill Gwen Stefani.

Prediction: Respect from Poch, enthusiasm from Ole, narrative from the press, Jenny from the block. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’ve always liked Andy Murray; good at tennis and fantastic mints. Please disregard Benno’s work as it is riddled with inaccuracies* and please disregard Brett’s for its jingoistic nonsense.

Legit don’t know what I want to happen today – if Poch wins it might make him want to stay at Spurs but then it might spur (lol like their name) them on to win something which might make him feel like he can go to United after achieving something. If we win, he might think ‘fuck this they’ve been shit for ages but in 5 weeks they’ve got good again and they have money’ but then also it might strengthen Ole’s case for the job full-time which could mean we miss out on Poch but then also wouldn’t that mean that Ole is better and should get the job anyway? I don’t want to even think about what it could mean if its a draw.

*he was fooled by the rocks that she’s got

Prediction: a lot of ‘Lads its Spurs’ posts with a picture of Ole talking to some players if we win, a lot of Mourinho bashing if we lose. 5-5, the greatest game in football’s history.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

This game should be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray.

**heard it’s common place in the bronx to insure your arse for £60 million tbf.

Prediction: this game not to be postponed out of respect for Andy Murray. Abso disgrace imho. 0-0 United.

m

(@Benglorious)

After the thorough despatchings of Cardiff, ‘uddersfield, Bournemouth and Newcassal, Ole’s first real test as United’s interimming temporary caretaking non-permanent manager comes today in the FA Cup final. Solskjaer’s boys will be looking to make sure the Writing is on the wall for Reading, ensuring their place in History. Maths.

Prediction: Yet more goals, inducing a giddiness amongst United fans that hasn’t been felt since Wednesday night. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am out of the office until jan 4th and won’t be doing a jokes during this time. If you need an urgent a joke please contact my colleagues at ajoke@ajoke.co.ck

Prediction: haha wait haha it’s like Lukaku hahaha is haha Ole’s Solskjaer haha

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Bahahahahahaha Benno said ‘Writing’ cos Reading.

Prediction: Bahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha etc. 60 – 0 United.

(@Benglorious)

I haven’t been this excited about a former United legend becoming our manager since 2015 when I took us through 5 unbeaten seasons in all competitions on PES 2016. Now I’m not saying Ole has a lot to live up to, but I was also playing, captaining, and taking home the golden boot every season with an average of 73 goals. Anything less than this level of success and I think we can all agree that Mr Gunnar Solskjaer need not even unpack.

Prediction: So much goals. Too good footballs. Many player joys. Fan response thumb ups. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t even know who this jolly Johnny soldier guy is but he sounds suspiciously Brexit to me. Which I hate.

Mysterious Island (1961)

Dross. Just awful awful stuff, legit makes you wonder how film survived the early years. Only redeemable feature is James Mason which is fun because I then spent most of the afternoon saying ‘I’m James Mason’ in my best James Mason voice (it’s good tbf).

Journey to the Centre of the Earth (1959)

Dross. Just awful awful stuff, legit makes you wonder how film survived the early years. Only redeemable feature is James Mason which is fun because I then spent most of the afternoon saying ‘I’m James Mason’ in my best James Mason voice (its good tbf). I watched both films in the same afternoon if this helps explain the James Mason thing.

Prediction: Someone to remember when Motson pronounced it Sol-Schka-ra wait i just did this i am a soothsaying genius. 2-1 United so as to show improvement but not so good as to abso confirm everyone’s been taking the piss.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

I never never never never never never never never never never never never ever thought we would see the day when the infamous Norwegian Anti-American-corporate-pop Duo Oleg ‘n’ Arsehole Cher would be sexting with Fergie for tips on how to fit 11 men into 1.

Prediction: Captain Fellaini to equalise in the 89th minute. o-o United.

(@Benglorious)

Couldn’t.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Care.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Less.

(@Benglorious)

Young girl, get out of my mind
My love for you is way out of line
Better run girl
You’re much too young girl

m

Fuck. That ain’t right.

m

Prediction: United to get one over on Liverpool by having a player with no working eyes. His name is Jones. Phil Jones. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

After being called a kid mauler, kid rapist and paedophile last week there is no way I’m doing a preview for this one.

TBC (2018)

Haven’t watched anything this week due to depression brought on by the foul accusations mentioned above. He also called me Lee Hurst and let me tell you, that crossed some lines.

Prediction: I’m saying nothing.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I love this Duran Duran song.

The big question facing us as the Champions’ League kicks off this evening is do we add search engine tags for ‘kid mauler’, ‘kid rapist’ and ‘paedophile’ to this post?

Haven’t had a Wednesday night off for ages, so, can’t wait to sit down with a Snapple Root Beer and tune into The Big Match on ITV.

Prediction: Whatever happens I’m sure we will all enjoy the Twitter analysis. 0 – 0 United.

(@Benglorious)

It’s only the third fucking game of the fucking season and I’m already fucking done with fucking football. Unless they bring back VAR and Russians who can literally run forever, I’m switching to rugby. And not the good one.

Prediction: Hopes to be dashed quite expertly yet again. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Lads, it’s Spurs’ used to be the lightsaber of football words i.e. from a more civilised age when things were great and we won everything always – now it is the Jay from Inbetweeners of football i.e. old and tired and makes me want to kill, especially when I see him do that betting advert where he walks off after his budget Iron Man suit falls apart but also in truth any time i see or hear him. Fuck that guy imho.

I have zero hopes or expectations for tonight because we lost to Brighton last week and were rubbish. Hope this helps.

Jumanji 2: This time it’s Jumanji (2018)

Wholesome family fun. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Me to be abso indifferent all day only to get massively wound up whilst watching, despite claiming to not care at all in this preview. 4-0 Spurs, Mino has a cake or 7.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I care so much about this game that I’m watching it down the pub instead of writing my preview. I hope this doesn’t backfire on me.

Prediction: My herpes to flare up as soon as we take the lead, followed by me shitting my actual pants as Spurs equalise, before everyone in the pub points and laughs at my tiny wiener when Spurs score the winner. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

If Liverpool beat City but we beat Liverpool who beat City but we beat Liverpool who beat City but we beat Liverpool who beat City but we beat Liverpool who beat City hang on I’ve nearly got this

Prediction: A last-minute winner from RVP after the best shin of all time from Rooney. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Ahhhhhh sexy boy. I’m out.

Long Long Man (2018)

Of all the chewing gum adverts in the world that tell a compelling love story over 11 different instalments, this is definitely in the top three. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals for Jesus, the worst crossover in the C of E’s history. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m probably still in Poland unless I’m back in England.

Prediction: Jose to not park the bus because Jesus fucking Christ have you ever tried to find parking at that time on a Saturday? 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Tonight is when we see if Sanchez is worth paying more than a BBC presenter. Can the True Blue Gunner Gooner use his mighty Arsenal heart to vanquish the mighty Carmon Youspurs? This reporter says dunno.

Prediction: Sanchez to surpass all expectations by simply not being Armenian. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Was so distracted by classic deadline day antics I legit forgot we were playing – Barclay’s, you’ve done it again!! (This is my excuse for not doing words btw)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 5 (2018)

Jokes. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Kane able to be a killer. I dunno, this isn’t even my preview for fuck’s sake. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Copy and paste that for me too

Prediction: 0-0 United.

(@Be

Brighton are renowned for the invention of rock, even though everybody secretly knows it was Lenny Kravitz.

Prediction: Goals for the Rash and the Marsh see the Unitesh to a comfortable victory. Lukaku to get a timely lift off his sister and Lando by thinking really hard. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Are we playing Newcastle again? I’m out if we’re not.

Prediction: I’m out. 3-0 United.

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here (2017)

People eat dicks in a forest. Not my cup of tea.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m out cos life.

Prediction: 0-0 United.