Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Someone needs to tell us penalties are supposed to ‘penalise’ the other team.

(@Benglorious)

Something about my pathetic dog.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I would but I have a really good computer game and it honestly seems like more fun to play that also Delia is a blend.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Them pair better do words, or it’s a complete waste of a hashtag Norman joke I’ve had saved in drafts for at least the last 23 minutes.

Prediction: Them pair not to do words. Waste. United to do a Leicester + 1, and win 0 – 10  United; all 10 scored by Jesse.

By the time you read this Manchester City and Arsenal will have drawn 2-2, handing us an opportunity to – despite our best efforts – qualify for next season’s Champion’s League. Imagine that.

Jose Mourinho has already said that if this happens he will manage every game, in the 2016/17 Premier League season, in just his thong.

The goal was all about Rooney.

The result was all about Norwich.

The future was all about the present.

Here’s another fantastic 5 things us learn:

1. Didn’t so much learn as re-learn how bad we are as a football team. My suspicions were first aroused literally months ago when results and performances were awful, and they’ve continued to grow apace ever since (because of more awful results and performances). Although I do think it’s good that no-one at the club seems to be saying anything so we carry to limp on listlessly and without any seeming sense of direction or purpose, slowly chipping away at any cache the United name still has in terms of attracting top names. Well, I meant ‘bad’.

*continue not carry. Carry to limp on? Good English, English, put the marijuana cigarette down.

2) Winter Soldier is badass.

94) I like how, in spite of Rooney’s best effort to fuck it up, Norwich felt sorry for us and gave us a goal worthy of any blog.

92) *hugs*

3. We should plan to assassinate LVG. Not out loud or in writing. Obvs.

90) That would be a terrible thing to do.

88) *winks*

80) Stupid WhatsApp turning my asterisks into bold. I thought the Nazis were defeated?

4. They were. By Indiana Jones.

Y2K) Love that Aqua song.

5. That’s French for Water.

6. And a colour. That’s it though.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

After being crowned the Premiership League champions earlier in the week, you could forgive our players for having a bit of a hangover for today’s game. You’d also have to forgive them for not playing for Leicester which, quite frankly, is actually unforgivable. Such is life as the French say, except they’d probably say it in their own language which I don’t know the name of.

Opposition Summary:  Norwich are based in the worst part of East Anglia which has nothing to offer the world except mustard. They probably play their games in a mustard factory, drink mustard-flavoured Lucozade at halftime and use mustard as a performance enhancing drug. Their kits are bright yellow, which is exactly the same colour as something else that I can’t quite remember the name of.

Prediction:  Roondog to chat shit, Martial to get banged. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Not previewing because it’s #FreeComicBookDay. This means I don’t have time to  write about football because I’m busy organising fifty different disguises so I can get fifty free comics. I hope I get a mint condition Spider-Man #1 this year. Wish me luck.

m

Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey (1993)

Based on the Simon and Garfunkel song, this heartwarming tale of friends overcoming adversity to find their way home is a film that all ages can enjoy. Unfortunately, this film is let down by the stupidity of the three animals – they’re only being left behind temporarily so have no need to embark on their treacherous journey. It also suffers from extremely poor dubbing – the animals never even  try to move their lips to match the voice actors. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals for everyone Vangle can fit on his teamsheet, including Idris Elba because he’s in everything, Simon Mayo because his name is short, and Ian Marshall because Ian Marshall. 13-0 United.

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

I see what we’re doing this week…

With the Champion’s League Final in the back of their minds, you could forgive our players for having half an eye on that. You’d also have to forgive them for not playing for Real Madrid which, quite frankly, is actually unforgivable. Say Lavvy as the English say, except they’d probably say it in their own language which I don’t know the name of.

Norwich are anglier in the East part of worst, which has mustard to offer the factory except worlds. They probably play their games in drugs, drink kits at halftime and use remembering as a colour. Their kits are names, which is exactly the same yellow as something else that I can’t quite remember the nothing of.

Prediction: Roondog to throw a cartoon Lion off a cliff and tweet it and get 1 RT and 3 Likes for it. 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

All those 0-0 predictions I’ve made this season were just a little joke. Except nobody’s laughing anymore. A 0-0 today would be like that one-minute-to-midnight-phonecall-from-the-Governor-to-the-Warden-who-is-stood-by-the-phone-in-the-execution-chamber-but-as-a-metaphor-for-Vangle’s-job-security-not-his-actual-life-hanging-in-the-balance-I-don’t-know-when-to-stop-with-the-hyphens-I’m-gonna-risk-it-with-a-full-stop. Imagine needing a landline as a lifeline lol. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction: Vangle to STOKE the fires that have long lain dormant in this United side. Rooney to be re-BOURNEmouth as the passionate goal machine who used to be able to get the whole country on its feet.  The whole team will give no quarter against Chelsea NORwich expect any. Another defeat for Vangle will surely not keep the WOLFsburg from the doors of Old Trafford and our long-suffering manager will soon be out on his ARSEnal. 0-0 United. 

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words today lads. Hold your tears.

.

 Brett(@homeforchristmasinnit)

I can’t do words now lads cos holding tears.

At least we’re now seeing more goals than a tin of Scholes. Though we’re scoring less goals than a tin of Roondogs from Aldi. With less defence than a french garden without a fence. And seeing more useless passes than an event that gives out free passes that no-one actually wants to attend.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) I like Norwich’s kit.

2) I don’t like Kylo Ren

3) Cameron Jerome is an equilateral rhombus.

4) Chelsea next week, with Mourinho in charge, is going to cause Sky Sports to implode.

5) Fingers crossed.

6) Making the 5 red makes us look well professional.

I just really really want to see the Paul’s House Christmas special that Brett did the puppets for..! Pllllleeeeeeeeeeeaaaaasssssssssseeeeeeeee!

Prediction: 23,000 views.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

MEEEEEE TOO! Can you post it on your bit Brett? Pleeeeeeaaaasssseeeeeeeeee!

Prediction:  Pretty pleeeeeeeaaaaaaassssseeeee!

.

 Brett(@onement)

Tbh out of respect for your two’s craft, I was going to keep the two seperate … but as you’re so bothered…

Prediction: 

 Benno (@Benglorious)

The season starts with a humdinger of a curtain-raiser as the mighty Watford entertain United at Vicarage Road. Luckily for us, Wayne Rooney CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND is still England’s leading goalscorer. Even more luckily for us, Wayne Rooney CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND is poorly so he won’t be playing. Slightly less luckily for us is that every other player in the team is injured apart from De Gea, which is lucky. I’ve forgotten my point.

m

Opposition summary: Watford are the only team in the Premiership League that have a yellow home shirt apart from Norwich.

Prediction:  Watford to help out our lack of strikers by scoring some own goals. Nice ones, like, not those garden variety oggies that you all love so much. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

It was 9.30 in the morning and despite writing all night – the soon to be published Adventures of Dean Dangerous – McGhee knew he had to get his Watford preview done. He reached for his cigarettes and lit one with his custom solid gold Dunhill wind-proof lighter, reminiscing about the day Obama gave it to him…’Syria was a walk in the park compared to this’ he mused aloud. As he racked his sleep-deprived mind for ideas, his once handsome features, now ravaged by time and constant drug abuse, stared back at him from the eerie glow of his computer screen…It was gonna be a long 5 or 6 minutes. The silence was suddenly shattered by his iPhone 7 (that’s right, 7); despite his ring-tone being Sunshine & Lollipops, he knew – with the foresight that can only be gained from 14 tours in Nam and numerous black ops – it was gonna be bad news…he guessed the old adage was true: Evil never sleeps. By now the phone had stopped ringing but by checking his missed calls he could tell it was the Pentagon – they were sending the Quinjet (usually reserved for the Avengers so you know it must be pretty bad) – and his presence was required in Washington like yesterday. After returning the call and explaining he couldn’t get there for then but could be there pretty quickly, allowing for wind speeds and such, McGhee wearily stubbed out his cigarette….the preview would just have to wait….(to be continued*)

The only thing I know about Watford is Elton John.

Ant-Man (2015)

Fella who is a convict but a good one steals something and becomes really really small – ant-size if you will – and learns lessons about parenting and being a great guy. Like Honey I shrunk the kids! but with better FX (industry term for ‘special effects’ – say it out loud and you’ll get it) and no Rick Moranis or lawn-mower scene and with a sheep getting turned inside out. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Can’t help thinking our lack of strikers might hurt us in the goals department. Not having more strikers now seems silly. Who knew. 0-0 Watford, Nasri brace.

*it won’t obvs

 .

 Brett (@thestrikeoftheclockthetimewillbeyetanothercapatilistconstruct)

Luckily for us Chris Martin is the new Titus Bramble – who was the new Richard Dunne – of own goalismisisation, and so we have no need to worry about the lack of firepower with Roonskip being “injured”. Nice on Louis. Knew you bloody would.

Wait a minute … are we talking about Watford or Norwich? Or Coldplay? We’re always talking about Coldplay when it come to LVG’s army, amirite? On iron on iron. Stick it on your drainpipes. alright?! I’ve forgotten Benno’s point. And ruined my bang on trend trousers with exterior metal paint at the same time.

Do we have to talk about United every week? What happened to the international break? How come they’re back so soon? Was expecting them to be away for at least eighty days.

Prediction/Tip: Danny and hiss, cuss, tooo (like spit) merry (christmas) tooo (like spit, again). Mute the game, with Har Mar Superstar ft. Holly Valance’s ‘Back The Camel Up’, on your headphones, for extra sexy. 0-0 United.