Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Monday was almost an example of the start of the season in reverse; we started well, built up a head of steam, took the lead comfortably, gave away a silly goal and looked nervous. Just as well the result is mostly the same. Reading didn’t make it easy, but that first goal was looking inevitable and we deserved to go through. Potentially facing Chelsea five days after the second leg of the Real tie….it’s the sort of week that you live for, isn’t it? It could be amazing, or it could be heartbreaking. Or a bit of both. Or a lot of both. ENOUGH GUESSING.

Nani’s had a lot of press inches dedicated to him this week, most of which hasn’t necessarily been encouraging. If he wants to go, and the right offer comes in, then I think it’s a case of cutting our losses (assuming that he doesn’t have a blinding end to the season). Fact is that I don’t hate the guy and I rate his skills, but he is woefully inconsistent, and there comes a point where that just isn’t good enough when you’ve spent six seasons with a club. The boss has played it perfectly, offering him a new contract whilst reasoning that if Nani wants first team football, then he needs to be worthy of it. No one’s going to hand him a place. He can do it, no doubt about it. Whether or not he will is a different story (called Whether Or Not Nani Will Actually Produce Consistent Performances, fyi).

Not looking forward to this one. Draws with City and Spurs along with a win at Stamford Bridge are not easy to come by when you’re 12^th, let alone 20^th. QPR have had a fortnight to get over that mauling in Swansea, and Redknapp will have spent a good chunk of time figuring out how he can stop us from scoring. It’s been great watching Cesar in the league this season, even if it is one of the most transparent deals you’re likely to come across. I still think that there’s enough quality in this side that their last league win really shouldn’t have been in December, but I doubt that that’ll change this weekend. They’ll want to play for a draw, and we need to be ready for it. I’m not overjoyed at the prospect of a team containing Park and Fabio being relegated, but it’ll have to be the most miraculous escape for them to survive because every team around them has more to offer.

I just wrote a stirring paragraph where I decided that it was worth throwing caution to the wind and predicting when we could start believing in a 20^th league title. Then I deleted it. Get to 31 games, then we’ll talk.

Brett:

I’m sometimes wary of teams who are in a bit of a rut: the transitorial (is that a word? – let’s say yes.) nature of football dictates that at some point, most struggling teams will “get that one big result” that breaths renewed life into their flagging hopes. This could be one of those times. Oh no, wait, they did that thing the other week against City. Phew! An away banker then. Oh no, wait, but then they nosedived back into the rut again. I can’t keep up.

We’re in as good a shape as we have been all season – which isn’t always saying something -, but the potential swing in momentum, if we were to leave Loftus Road without all three points at this particular point, could be massive. Why now and not next week, or last week? Next week is too late, last week was too early?! Hey! I find it hard enough remembering all my thoughts, without remembering the reasons for them aswell* *Thanks Mike Skinner.

Will Nani be thrust into action after his FA Cup exploits (Did I just say that? Who am I?)? Why not. Tony’s still doing his best impression of someone who doesn’t want to be a footballer anymore.

QPR have, of course,  got players who can wound us, but we’ve got players who can can do them some real damage … and David de Gea.

Prediction: 1 – 2

Goals: Carrick, Nani (Come on! As if anyone ever really gets goalscorers right anyway.)

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Hands up if you’re also approaching this derby with audible caution. Both teams have great strikers, and faltering defences. Could be a cricket score, could be a scoreless draw. We could win it, they could win it. It’s far too close to call, and even if it doesn’t end up being a classic, it’ll be almost impossible to tear your eyes away from it. Thing is, it’s so tough to pick a winner because both teams are capable of so much more than we’ve seen this season. Both of us have had a season filled with tight, tense games. City have been getting late winners and United have been coming from behind. And yet even though we’ve flattered to deceive on so many occasions, we’re starting to pull away from third as early as December. To be honest, I’d feel quite proud if I didn’t feel like we were severely pushing our luck every week.

To be honest, despite Lindegaard, Jones and Smalling all getting games recently, the back five should be the same as it’s been for most of the season; De Gea back in net, Rafael, Evra, Rio and Evans. Job done. God knows what we’ll do with that midfield with Cleverley out, though. That’d leave us with only Giggs, Scholes, Carrick and Young fit and available. Doesn’t scream comfort, does it? Maybe that joke about a Ji-Sung Park emergency loan isn’t a terrible idea after all. Anyone know how to get him to channel the spirit of that performance against Pirlo in 2010…?

It’s worth thinking about just where we’d be without Van Persie this season, too. We’ve had large defensive and increasing midfield injuries again this season, but we’re top of the league, and through to the last sixteen in Europe. He’s scored 13 goals, and his presence and hard work has brought goals for those around him, too (that free kick for Hernandez’s goal v Villa. Phwooar). Without that added threat, who knows where we’d be? He’s the real spearhead in our attack, allowing Rooney to pull the strings when he has the space, and for the most part, it’s working. Take him out of the equation, and we’d be in a much more difficult position coming into the derby on Sunday.

All won’t be lost if we lose; we’ll be joint top on goal difference (in December this time, thank eff) with a long way left to try and turn things around. But, after last year’s league derbies, it will be so important to get a performance this weekend. Last season, we were destroyed at home, and at the Etihad, we wilted and lost our grip on the league. If our defence continues its self-imposed awareness hiatus, then we’ll be relying on our attack again. I know; I can’t wait either.

Predictions: 1-1. Too scared to predict a win, too confident to think we’ll lose.

By the final whistle, I hope that: We’ll have seen at least two shots of Joe Hart with his hands on his hips in dismay. Same for Tevez. His celebrations are always, ALWAYS awful to behold against us. Fingers crossed for all involved that no one decides to say “CARLOS TEVEZ BITES THE HAND THAT USED TO FEED HIM.”

Brett:

Have I told you lately, that I love U-nited? Well, I do, and more often than is healthy, this blinds me to reality – this is possibly one of those occasions. *Sharp intake of breath* I’ve got the most wonderful feeling that we’re going to thrash them!! Hold on a second, before all three of you who sometimes skim read this close your web browser … I’M DEADLY SERIOUS!!!!!! Okay, you can close the browser now.

We are struggling a teeny, tiny bit with defence, granted, but with De Gea coming back into the side, and Rio and Jonny at centre, much of those problems (brought about by reintegrating unfit players into the matchday squad) will disappear. THE midfield “issue” has been going on so long, that at some point we’re just going to have to accept Roy’s gone, never to return. Carrick always does well against City’s midfield – barring individual errors. Whoever slips in alongside him will be brilliant (hopefully Cleverley will be fit). Up top we’re devastating at times, and at some point, it’s all going to click and someone is going to feel the full brunt of that (City this weekend).

City are struggling more than the results suggest. They used up much of their individual and collective mental strength (or arrogance, whichever) last season. Their poor defence is currently being held together by masking tape a.k.a a broken Vincent Kompany and even Joe Hart is feeling the pressure of that. Their midfield hasn’t worked, as Mancini’s poor signings have disrupted, not consolidated what they already have. The three big problems, Silva, Aguero and Toure have been bitty, at best, so far.

So, when we’ve stuffed a hatful in the onion bag, and everyone’s saying, “No-one could have predicted that”, point them in my direction.

Prediction: 2 -5

Goals: ORVP 2, Rooney, Danny 2

As we have come to expect around the time when the transfer window flaps open, we are once again inundated with speculation as to who will come in and fill the gaping holes in our midfield.

We can surely expect at least one arrival to ease our midfield malaise. Did you here that David Gill? AT LEAST.

The questions are simple, none of our usual messing about. Who do you want rid of? Who do you want to keep? Who do you want to see here next season?

]]> http://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/bi-a-click-of-paint/bi-polar-pictoral-review-players-201112-season/feed 0 http://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/features/my-winter-of-disconnect http://bifurcated.co.uk/manchester-united-chitty-chatty/features/my-winter-of-disconnect#comments Wed, 04 Apr 2012 12:04:39 +0000 http://bifurcated.co.uk/?p=3936 From an objective point of view, this season football has nudged itself ever closer towards a warped manifestation of utopia. It has lunged violently between menacingly good and astonishingly bad, intermittently grotesque and overtly sentimental. Aesthetes of stats and figures, connoisseurs of footy ‘lols’, perpetuaters of intellectual discourse, bastions of good old fashioned tribalism have all been nourished from the seasons crop.

But how can you ever look at something objectively when you care so much about it? Sure, you can present an argument by placing yourself consciously in the position of the objective viewer; you can present yourself as the equanimous being that, in general, you are, but the bias, subjective opinions that shape your character – for better and worse – will eat at you, always there reminding you that we’re not all the same and that you can’t truthfully sympathise or empathise with every Other. The saying, ‘people not like us, are people just like us’ is a kick in the teeth for you – you, who wants things to be a considerable amount better. Of course when I say ‘you’, I don’t mean the you reading this, I don’t mean ‘you’ plural either: I mean me.

If you’d have asked me before this winter, I’d have estimated that I probably wouldn’t ‘get on with’ about fifty percent of football fans – ask me now and it’s more than double that. If you’d have asked me in November how I thought United were doing, I would no doubt have spoken with optimism, maybe even excitement; I do love football, although sometimes  through gritted teeth. During the past three months though things have changed.

Players can’t be all things at once, but I do expect them, by the time they reach their mid-twenties, to have got to grips with the concept of gravity – something Park and Young for very different reasons haven’t yet done.  Players have to be given time, but I don’t expect Phil Jones, The Twins and Anderson to play the role of water, to consistency’s oil. Players aren’t machines, but I don’t expect Giggsy and  Rooney to take their winter-break mid-match. Michael Carrick is okay with me (now), but I don’t expect to be saying he’s been one of our stand-out players by default.  There’s something missing.  Without the added incentive of trying to claim the nineteenth title, or the anticipation of  a summer of  rebuilding that never happened (or having Berbatov to eye romantically), this season, more than the last, has been punctuated with uncertainty and not in a good way. I don’t think it’s ‘enjoyable’ winning a title because of the inherent failings of other teams. *cue montage of me this time last year saying a similar … oh, wait it’s been recorded over by me addressing myself and reminding myself I’ve done this joke now three times in previous posts,  so should perhaps get a life*

I’ve heard it said that we ‘use our squad well’ and that ‘SAF’s man-management is second to none’. I understand that we have some ‘noisy neighbours’ and that ‘we have the experience at this vital stage’. It’s apparent that ‘new fans are spoilt’ and that ‘we’re not arrogant, just better’. On it goes, arbitrary statements heaped upon platitudes. It’s exactly these cliches that are at the root of my more general malaise, not necessarily the individual issues with the players themselves in the paragraph above, but the way we are ‘expected’ to rationalise and articulate our own personal opinions. It’s always the same. How many times can the same people say the same things about the same things. If we’re supposed to reset at the beginning of every season and re-enter the same discussions again and again, then I apologise as I was obviously not copied in on that memo, and p.s. – I quit.

"Thank god for that ... Oh, it's another 'joke'"

At some point during this winter I became aware of how, from my own perspective, the way fans talk about football has entered a maddening era of ennui, with the same repeating sequels. I’m not just referring to the fans with their insipid mantras of f*ckwittery, it’s also the self-anointed leaders of the meritocracy who spend an inappropriate amount of time ridiculing others whose interactions with the game they perceive as worthless. It’s also the pseudo-moralists, the knuckle-draggers and the affected, all jostling for position in a vacuous game of ‘vapid comment jenga’ ad infinitum, ad nauseum.

It’s not just this. I’m also disheartened and offended by the United bloggers who regularly use abhorrent sexist language, the United bloggers whose public face occasionally slips, showing them up as the bigots they are. The members of the ‘#MUFC Twitter family’ who are the vehicles for the above and more (that’s not to say this is specific to United fans, they just happen to be my main frame of reference). I’ve never felt so Other within a group to which I thought, to varying degrees, I belonged (as if it weren’t enough taking the regular slaps in the face that football delivers unapologetically).  But then, as Jiddu Krishnamurti reminds me, “It is no measure of health to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society”.

A couple of weeks of moping about with a face like a smacked arse ensues until a fella on the radio reminds me that the human condition is to rationalise later. My girlfriend reminds me that there is no era of ennui, just permanent ennui. A.C Grayling reminds me that taking a strong disliking to things, especially Others, is externalised anxiety and worse still, inflamed antipathy. Peter Crouch scores THAT goal. I go to see a talk with Tony Benn and am buoyed by tales of the agitators of history, not that I’m suggesting my little issue with football can be measured against the political struggles of the socialist movement, or the historical plight of the proletariat …  who am I kidding, yes, that’s exactly what I’m doing, which in itself is ridiculous. I’m ridiculous. And I find myself reconnecting piecemeal.

... And who's been eating my goals?

Finally, I go to a book talk with Alain de Botton and he tells us how we should approach things like we’re diners at a buffet cart. I like the buffet cart analogy. I don’t have to fill my plate with the whole spread, I can surreptitiously wrap some in a tissue and dispose of it later, or even spit it back out, rejecting it completely. It’s my choice.

Winter becomes spring.

Wow! That’s the best impression of Park, Park has ever done, there really is no defending him … The alarming thing was that he wasn’t the worst United player on the night *Throws glances in the direction of Cleverley, Rafael, Evra, Young, Giggsy*.

Ha Ha, obviously that was a joke, Young wasn’t even playing … (What? Sorry I’m trying to do a serious post, do you mind? What? What is it? Oh, he was playing. OH!)

Rooney looked like he was up for it, until he realised the only other player joining him in this was at the other end of the pitch, trying to stop’ em scoring.

Giggsy (Love Giggsy, right?! LOVE GIGGSY! Course we do, it’s not in question) couldn’t have looked less arsed, unless he’d wheeled on a sun lounger.

What a crock. It’s easy to say now that we knew we weren’t going to take the Europa League seriously … Actually, yes, it is easy, I KNEW WE WEREN’T GOING TO TAKE THE EUROPA LEAGUE SERIOUSLY BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN I HAVE TO LIKE IT.

Man of the Match: Cleverley

It was never going to be easy. We’ve hit a little trough, hampered by a few injuries and lost a bit of momentum.

Anderson after promising much in some earlier games appears to be getting stuck in the same old habits of trying to do too much early and then tiring dramatically in the second half. Fletch is nowhere near the match sharpness of a couple of years ago and the continuing TV/RB situation is starting to really burn my cookies. Nani showed that he can’t turn it on very game, which is only reasonable. Rooney and Chicha were always going to be ‘sluggish’ after their respective injury troubles. Most dissapointing for me was Evans who just seemed to lose position early and never recover.

Nice to see Ando on the scoresheet again. And I almost got the score right.

Man of the Match: Park

Some players need a club that matches their playing ethos to reach the pinnacle of their footballing powers, but more, they need a club that matches their ambition and ego before they really flourish. A recent example of this being Eric, who although was very good at Leeds, took his individual performance level to somewhere seldom superseded by any United player before or since. Not just in some cases singlehandedly winning games, but managing to lift the level of the players around him. The same can of course be said of Roy Keane. Other players can move to clubs on the back of a burgeoning reputation and despite showing glimpses of what they are capable of somehow the fit isn’t quite right. Diego Forlan and Jordi Cruyff, probably being good examples of this. Of course there are lots of other outcomes in between and beyond these. Some players just flop (Taibi). Some players don’t tactically fit the preferred formations of their new employers (Veron) etc etc. The reason though I used the first two examples is because I see this as the two potential outcomes likely to befall our most surprising summer acquisition Ashley Young (I’m not suggesting he’s going to be the next Eric or Roy, just that he may finally achieve the heights he’s been reportedly threatening to since he signed for Villa).

I prefaced Ashley Young with ‘surprising summer acquisition’ because I’m fairly certain that most United fans would have prized a tenacious midfielder (replacing the perpetually bed-ridden Hargreaves) or a creative attacking midfielder (replacing the irreplaceable Scholesy), a box-to-box midfielder (replacing Keane 6 years late), or maybe even a trequartista to allow more flexibility in attack as the priorities, after a goalkeeper, when SAF promised at least 3 new faces would be gracing the team photo come August. I’m not suggesting Ashley Young isn’t a very good footballer, no, but at first glance he’s not ‘the signing’ some of us were anticipating.

I bet Nani can’t control the ball with his mind…

We are all aware that Ashley Young has the ability to play in a variety of positions and we assume that that is one of the attractions in obtaining his services. But the ability to play in a variety of positions in itself hardly sets him apart from his peers. In fact it’s fast becoming a given that a player at the highest level should be able to adapt tactically to a certain degree. Players who specialise (and specialise well) are now becoming the rarer commodity. Remember the twins played wide midfield against Arsenal in arguably one of our best performances of last season. All of our attacking players, bar possibly Chicha and Berba, are capable of and have intermittently alternated positions for United. Yes, SAF likes this changeability from players, so the more the better, right? But, can’t you have too many? I’d argue that the more interchangeable players you have doesn’t actually equate to a stronger team. We won the Premiership last season on the back of a strong squad, but we lost the Champions league because we didn’t have the quality in our first eleven. Yes, there’s more ‘healthy competition’ for places which is important, but without the player coming in being of superior quality the hierarchy amongst the players remains the same. No feathers ruffled. No ‘upping of games’. So the questions I initially posed myself are these…

Is Ashley Young better than any of the players in direct competition for his position(s) Rooney, Park, Valencia, Nani? The simple answer, without arguing individual plusses and minuses, in to the small hours, is no.

Has he been cited as a direct replacement for Giggsy? One of the most talented players in premiership history?  Categorically, no.

Is he a long term replacement for any of the other aforementioned players? Well he’s older than them all, aside from Park and they’re probably the least likely to be considered vying for the same position.

I’d also argue that he doesn’t automatically stick out as ‘something a bit different’ to what we already have at the club. As a matter of fact, Ashley Young and Nani I think some football fans, myself included, will agree are on a similar level. I’m not saying they are similar players, however they do have a remarkably similar output as ‘wide midfielders’. Both are capable of scoring spectacular goals, in amongst a few woeful scuffs and hoofs into row Z. Both are capable of man-of-the-match performances from time to time. Both spend at least 1% of most games ‘fishing’ (Dangling out appendages in the hope a flailing limb will brush against them, awarding them a free kick or pen) Both fancy themselves at free kicks, with varying levels of success. Both have a very healthy confidence in their own ability. Both are hugely likeable whilst maintaining an irritating petulance. Both have an issue with consistency. Both are capable of creating a piece of individual match winning ‘magic’ (I like them both). Most tellingly as I list these is the thing that sticks out most… both still have a lot to prove. So the competition, for the left midfield berth, between these two, could bring out the best in both of them. That could be in part the thinking behind his arrival.

Left-wing is mine…No it’s mine!

Anyway, you’ve probably gleaned from the preamble to this point a feeling of negativity towards his signing. Well, I’m going to surprise you and say that what I believe is that SAF has seen something particularly special in Ashley Young, that he strongly feels will blossom at United. Something we’ve seen in select Match of the Day highlights but not consistantly enough, that SAF feels can be succesfully mined from within the player.  He’s obviously not going to become an Eric or a Roy, but if his performance level went from 1 in 4 (strong games) to nearer 1 in 2 then we could soon have a very, very good player on our hands, one who can surpass Nani and Park. He is without doubt endowed with the tools, he just has to mature in to a player who understands better how to use them. I have the gut feeling he’s going to turn out to be a good signing. I weighted the question about him being a ‘replacement for Giggsy’ with the word ‘direct’ to intentionally suggest that you can’t ‘just replace’ players like Giggsy. I actually think he has been bought, with the hope through his much needed development to, at least in part, soften the blow of Giggsy’s retirement. Here’s hoping.

Martin O’Neill may be one consultation away from the looney bin but he once described Ashley Young as ‘world class’. History teaches us that it’s often the ‘mad’ ones that get it right.

Aaahh…Beautiful, World Class Ashley…

The Spirit of Manchester United

In an interview with the Guardian Tony V was asked if United could pip Barca to the trophy. “Of course we can win. We are Manchester United” was his reply. While words and sentiment alone won’t bring home the bacon, his response is laced with meaning. Let’s take a look at the United team, from back to front, and take comfort in the fact ours is a team not easily beaten, nor easily stopped. I’m thinking 4-3-3…this may be wrong, and perhaps Fergie will want to stifle Barca’s midfield, but both Valencia and Park can certainly be counted on to track back.

Goalkeeper. Van Der Sar. One of the finest goalies around (and possible the best retiring goalkeeper ever?), and the cornerstone of United’s recent success. Our usual strong defending means he’s not called upon as much as, say, a Robert Green, but his authority and intelligence is partly the reason why our defence works so well. His reflexes, positioning, and reach are all outstanding, making him one link in a chain we don’t have to worry about.

Defence. Vidic + Rio = Stout. Evra is Probably the best Left Back in the World™, and either Raphael or Fabio make it an almost perfect pack four. Which is absolutely essential, given we’ll be up against the silver bullet in Lionel Messi. Not to mention the rest of Barca’s attacking arsenal…in fact, let’s move on shall we?

Midfield. I’m assuming it looks something like this: Giggs, Carrick & Fletcher. Carrick has his opponents, and then he has his parents. They believe in him, and so do I. I’ve always been a fan, and his form has certainly picked up. Giggs, assuming he’s had that annoying blindfold taken off, has been very consistent and very good this season. Darren Fletcher will be a machine, because he is a machine and because he missed out on the opportunity to be a machine two years ago. Not as creative a midfield as Barcelona’s, but MORE than capable of providing service to our front three while providing that extra protection (and whitening) for our (sensitive) back teeth (four).

Attack. Rooney must play well. He has the capability of lifting the team from good to great. And, all hyperbole and cliche aside (actually, I’m just going to embrace it), he will be the threat Barcelona are most worried about facing. Valencia has been one of my players of the season, despite being out for most of it. Without his early return from injury, I’d be willing to bet we may not have clinched our 19th title. Just a thought. Park has been a big game player, and I have no doubt that the team will benefit from an out of the Park performance due to his absence two years ago.

Where I am most likely wrong: Carrick and Fletcher. Could be Scholes and/or Anderson in for one or both of them, and there’s a genuine question mark over Fletcher’s sharpness. Poossssssibly Nani for Valencia, but Nani doesn’t provide enough defensive cover. I reckon, barring unforeseen circumstances, the other places are sewn-up.

So how do we win? In two ways. The first is so entirely obvious you’ll regret even bothering to read this post. We need to play very well indeed. All of our players will need to play the game of their lives. I can’t even begin to imagine the concentration necessary to keep Barcelona at bay. Rio and Vidic’s brains will be challenged in the extreme, however well the rest of the team play. Evra has to face Pedro, who is Barca’s ace in the hole (although arguably, Barca’s deck has more than its regulation ration of aces), while scampering forward at every available opportunity. No easy task. Wazza needs to find a way to play his own game, to unfetter himself from the pressure of the occasion, and play at his magical best. In some ways, I think this is the perfect stage for him: his season has been so up and down that the spotlight is considering taking a holiday. If we play like we did in the league against Chelsea at OT, we’ll hold Barca. We will have to play better.

Secondly, and more intangible than the first (which is saying something), we have to Believe. And not in the way that Mars Believed before the 2006 World Cup. No, we need to Believe in what Tony V was obliquely referencing. The legendary United spirit, that we are never beaten, and never bettered. Every game is ours to lose. Barcelona are perhaps the only side  (of late) that have found a piece of what United have had for decades: the hunger to be better, to win more, to always be the best. To never give in. My gut feeling is that if both teams play to their best, we will largely cancel each other out. Our team must find something else, something beyond top gear. Which, of course, we can.

We are Manchester United.

I often wonder what other teams think of United; what threats they will face, what they feel they can exploit. When I read this interview with Xavi, one of my favourite players to watch, and undoubtedly one of the most important players of the last five years, I got a pretty good idea of the regard footballers can hold for other footballers. But then, the global footballing regard (see here, here and here) for Paul Scholes is pretty well-known (oh ok, while we’re talking Scholesy). What is less well-known (at least by me) is what the Barcelona fans will make of a final against Manchester United.

I would like to think that we represent the team most likely to spoil their party. Despite a season dotted with sub-par performances, I still think we’re the most complete and threatening team Barcelona could face. But what do they think? This is a rough approximation of the Barca voice, as they dream of glory.

We are Barcelona

We’re going to walk it. We’re the best club team on the planet (ever?). And to sweeten the odds in our favour,  United aren’t even as good as they were the last time we met in a champion’s league final. We have just got better. United have become workmanlike, we have become gods.

Our camp is confident, and not quietly. We are polishing our brass on the eve of a battle we know we will win. We overcame a potentially tricky tie with Real, causing Jose to soil his underwear and spill his marbles in the process. We were an irresistable force against a petulant, inferior and thrashing object.

Aren't they just angels?

We believe we stand on moral and philosophical football high ground. We will wear UNICEF on our shirts, be a team, attacking and defending with all 11 players. We will pass and move, create triangles, delight the eye. We will be serene and represent the one, true football. The history of the game has been fashioned to this point, and this tie will solidify the triumph of the one best footballing way. Not even Manchester united, the great marauding English team can touch this Barcelona. This Barcelona with a hundred Jack Wilshires.

On the pitch we will expect the lions share of the ball. We will hog it hungrily and artfully. Manchester united will panic in the face of such fluency. They will be choked of possession. We will easily find cracks to pass our way through, we will make those cracks into canyons. United, although quick, will be made to look sluggish. We will be two up by half time. Puyol and Pique will push up around the centre circle, not afraid of exposure. Our team flexes its sinews from back to front. Passion in defence, supreme creativity in midfield, ruthlessness in attack.

Barcelona ready their blades

What have we to fear? Nothing. We will be wary of the part of Manchester United that has made them the less romantic of the two teams. Their tightness amd organisation in European games. Their psychological strength, determination. We will admire their work ethic, but we will match it. There are threats to our intricacy: Park and Valencia will want the ball. Wayne Rooney will chase it, Vidic will suck it from the sky. Manchester United will try to defy barca; and they are quick and capable in any one moment. They are underdogs, and the English love their underdogs. But this is a game for maestros.

For Barcelona, the outcome is decided. Manchester United have had an easy ride through the competition. The semi finals were a joke. We have proved ourselves to be worthy champions already by the way we embarassed Real. United have reached the end of their run: their prowess has peaked and they will be soundly beaten.

We are Barcelona, the finest football team on the planet.