Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Great round for Uniteds

2. Bad luck Spurs

3. Pogba’s contribution to the penalty shoot out was inspired

4. I didn’t see it. I was watching Elementary, which is a show about Sherlock Holmes and Lucy Liu

5. No-one was watching it it wasn’t on television, the only way to respectfully watch football

As Phil Jones and Ed Woodward watched on and may, or, may not havNo, can’t even pretend to give a fuck.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Mid-table team now I’m very sad

2. Shampooing my carpet was more exciting than the match

3. How have we forgotten how to play football it really isn’t that complicated a game I blame everyone and everything

4. We always lose to west ham all other results are improvements on previous seasons ie progress also without Martial, Pogba, our two best players actually who am I kidding I want to die

5. True true truuuuuuuuuue

6. Remember joy?

7. And success?

8. What if those are just the Mandela Effect?

9. Yeah, we should never have given Nelson the job after Fergie retired.

*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

 a

2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

 a

3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

 a

4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

 a

5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

a

a

aa a

7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

 a

8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

 a

9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

 a

10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

A

a

a

a

A a

Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

(@Benglorious)

Sussed.

Prediction: That to make sense when you read Tom’s.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t be arsed already bored of talking about it with cunts on twitter.

Benno do you remember at primary school how Jody brown would always be like ‘ha, sussed’ I’m sure all of Twitter are his children.

Also Abso glols at Ed trying to suggest Pogba was good at Everton. Quoted his tackling stats: 100%. How many tackles you ask? Well just the one Bahahaha cunt.

Prediction: Glol what a shitshow of a season.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I am not watching this game as a personal protest against the Twitter scum who talk like a clownshoes wearing clowns. And not because my gf has insisted I go to her friend’s birthday because I have the night off and “can’t just spend all my time off talking on Twitter like a clownshoes wearing clown”.

Prediction: Numerous toilet breaks between every mouthful of food so I can talk like a clownshoes wearing clown on Twitter. 0 – 0 United

For now.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Good to see us win in the style of Manchester United of old

2. I didn’t watch it

3. I bet it was glorious though

4. Tbh I’ve been snorting coke off of Paul’s arse since 9am, so, fuck yeah

5. It was very meh. Pogba and Fred were good, everyone else not so much. Legit felt sorry for Mata. And Martial really needs to be good again and quickly; him and Lingard were very bad.

The only real downside to last night’s result is the footage emerging of Alexis Sanchez looking very small.

Apparently, he is just very small and not just very far away.

Wait, two downsides: the MBM Krang/turtles tweet was wasted on all you scum.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. People sure don’t like Sanchez

2. And by ‘people’ I mean us

3. I like him I think he adds a lot to the team almost too many goals and assists imho

4. Ander Herrera was very good and everyone thought so aside from Martin Keown, the Neolithic twat

5. We should make Keown and Sanchez fight to the death

6. Winner gets a bullet

Plastics. We remained Top Reds throughout. No need to look back through our previews and reviews over the last 3 years.  The science checks out.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Glad I’m not a Chelsea fan

2. Which team do you support, again?

3. The best one

4. City

5. For now

6. Lol cos Liverpool and City keep swapping who are the best ones and the second best ones.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Pretty sure Rashford’s mum and dad are Maradona and Pele

2. Pele definitely not the dad

3. lol because of his limp member

4. lol

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Now we definitely know.

2. Stream was so bad I couldn’t really watch it. First half was ok but then it kept freezing loads then it went back in time, then it started jumping back in time and then to now (then) so I missed the third goal. I tried to restart it all but I was unsuccessful. That aside, pretty good.

3. Imagine how many more points we would have now if we had gotten rid of Mourinho the week before. I’m imagining 1, or 3. Oh, wait it was Liverpool. Imagine how many points we would have if we had different fixtures and we were playing someone like Cardiff or Huddersfield and not Liverpool and we had gotten rid of Mourinho the week before. I’m imaging 1, or 3.

3. I’d’ve said ‘imagining’ unless you’re actually a satellite or some kind of military software.

3. Yes.

4. I didn’t watch it but it was a great performance by great players and it’s all thanks to our great manager.

(@Benglorious)

They should rename Boxing Day as Pooping Day because that’s all I’ve been shifting out that end all morning. From log cabins to rusty water and all the varieties of pebbledash in between, I haven’t even had time to try on all my new socks at once because I’ve been practicing surrealism on a porcelain canvas. Fucking love Christmas.

Prediction: Many goals for players who dropped tools on Mourinho, many apps, many dancings. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Not doing words today because it’s a fucking holiday Brett you slave-driving and slave-maiming fuck.

Prediction: I’m the only one without Solskjaer’s face on my face. Cos I love Roondog and don’t want to forget the impact he had on my life i.e pathetic.M

(@bifurcated_utd)

The honeymoon period is clearly over as Ole Gunnar Scroogekjaer has scheduled his second game in charge to take place on Boxing Day just to show who’s boss.

Prediction: Indigestion. Turkey repeating. No time to take presents back to Debenhams even though Aunty Pogba put the receipt in with the socks. 0-0 United.