(@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words tonight pals I am too tired from all the masturbating

Prediction: Dutch rudder the fuck outta me bro

(@Benglorious)

I’m with Tom. Like, we’re in the same place. Wanking too much

Prediction: Pass the butter

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’ve got a feeling (Woohoo!) that tonight’s gonna be a good night, that tonight’s gonna be a good good night…

This is going to be Bayern CL final 99 x PSG CL 2019!

Prediction: maybe I’ve misjudged the above. Not their bit

*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

 a

2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

 a

3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

 a

4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

 a

5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

a

a

aa a

7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

 a

8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

 a

9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

 a

10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

A

a

a

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A a

Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

So, where were you? We agreed to meet at The Fleece at 6, so we’d get a good seat. I messaged you at 5 and nothing. I messaged you at 5:45; still nothing. I got myself a good seat thanks for asking and very much enjoyed the football game I watched, alone. WHERE WERE YOU!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Legit feel bad about the Fred poll he had a deece second half and I liked it when he told the PSG lot off for trying to banter Marcus

2. Same applies to Rom and McScotty and Smalling – have trashed them a lot of late and they made me look a fool, a ruddy fool (I’d been dialling 9, Lynn)

3. It was funny when Neymar saw his sister with another man

4. Marcus Rashford for God? Gets my vote (I’m not sure how gods work)

5. How lucky were we that Bailly decided he was injured rather than embarrassed

6. Didn’t watch it.

7. When you write a rhetorical question, you do need a question mark at the end(?)

 (@tom_mcghee)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BSG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BSG vs Manchester United: This time it’s Battlestar

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (BSG)

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens

Mr. Hoshi:

Admiral, picking up enemy contact on Dradus

Adama:

Launch Nukes

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

END CREDITS

Prediction: We all thank our lucky stars the above was just fiction. 3-0 United, the Ghost of Sanchez to score all 4 (ghost goals count less)

m

(@Benglorious)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BFG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BFG vs Manchester United: Giant on Giant

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BIG FRIENDLY GIANT’S (BFG) HOUSE OR WHATEVER HE CALLS HOME PROBABLY A SWAMP OR A WEIRD TREE

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens which are probably mushrooms or something

BFG (to itself):

Boy, I sure do love to pick my nose.

Fungus the Bogeyman:

I think you’re confusing yourself with me. Don’t you steal kids or break shit?

BFG: Yeah probably, I haven’t read it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

Prediction: The comeback to end all comebacks will not be televised. Something about squad average ages and injuries yawn yawn yawn. Evra to bite Neymar’s leg. 0-0 United.

M

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Our match day squad reads like a list of players who couldn’t get into the Manchester United Football Club end of season party, even after providing a valid ID, a letter from their parent, or guardian, and a recent gas bill. Which will make it all the more betterrer when we win handsomely.

Prediction: Geno will jizz myself to a death by cum bubbles, if we pull this off. Apologies to our younger readers for use of the term “pull this off”. Getting slightly aroused tbh. 0 – 0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Here’s yer boy with some more faultless logic – City thrashed Chelsea. Both City and United didn’t win in the Champions League last week. Ergo: United are as good as City. Double ergo: United will thrash Chelsea.

Prediction: Did you not read that flawless argument? ’nuff said. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I will not be doing words out of respect for the death of the Labour Party also I hate Chelsea the cunts

Prediction: ‘I will not be doing words out of respect for the death of the Labour Party also I hate Chelsea the cunts’ to become my preview. Cunts.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Ole’s march to the Treble continues tonight. After setting up the return leg with PSG perfectly last week, these “lazy, good-for-nothing, low-life scum sloths with pig trotters for hands, and snails for feet, with hearts made from shit, and really wet shit for brainless brains” (verbatim Chelsea Manager quote), will not know which day of the week it is when we’re finished with them. Monday.

Can’t wait for Ole to emerge for the post-match interview in a loin cloth, carrying Sarri’s head, resplendent with fag sticking out of its gob.

Prediction: Chelsea to abso destroy us, cos Alexis7 and Fred. 0 – 0 United.

That Alexis7 hatty is going to be even more sweeter, now he’s decided to wait until the second leg. I wonder what they will make his statue out of? These reporters say, clay, made from shit…

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Everyone hates Sanchez. He’s like the anti-Raymond

2. Man I hate that MikeLUHG guy he is legit the only person in the world worse than Sanchez.

3. Didn’t actually think it was that bad tbh, first half was a good game, kinda went to pieces after Martial and Lingz went off, only mistake – imo – was not putting big Rom on earlier (more for the nuisance factor) given the change in play.

4. Glol @ real analysis

5. Didn’t watch it

(@Benglorious)

Based on logic, in which I have an extremely pointless qualification, Ole has never lost a game as United manager therefore he can’t ever lose a game. Further evidence of this is his unbeaten managerial record in the Champions League. You can’t argue with reasoning like this because I will destroy you, possibly with De Morgan’s theorem (shout out to the logic nerds).

Prediction: Some Frenchmen to put in good performances. 0-0 United

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

OGS and PSG have two of the same letters (S & G) and also P is after O in the alphabet. Using Science, of which I have no pointless qualifications in, this has to prove we are better*.  To further my case, G is before S in the alphabet but the Paris lot have it the other way round. This obviously only applies to the second and third letters because of the O and P thing earlier. Boy, science is hard these days.

*contrary evidence in interests of impartiality: Law of ‘first the worst, second the best’, though technically inadmissible here because of Science Union rules

True Detective (2019)

So much criming (the precursor of the detecting)

Prediction: 2-0 us because I am an optimist now.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

A lot of talk from pundits and bloggers alike in the build up to the game this week, suggesting that we’re in a strong position going into the first leg of this Champions league tie, with PSG missing so many of their key letters (a, r, i, s, n, t, e, m), but no-one suggesting how we pronounce PSG in lieu of this “advantage”.

Prediction: I may have misunderstood.

In other news, our Kickstarter to have this game struck from the records has been flagged by the financial ombudsman, as “apparently” one like on Twitter from yourself doesn’t count as a monetary pledge with the bankerers.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. They may have cheated, but what they accomplished is incredible.

2. Saying that, PSG shouldn’t have been so complacent.

3. Phil Jones has no business in sport.

4. Those Fellaini numbers eased the pain.

5. Lol @ Di Maria the rat-faced fuck.