I’ve been practising some of the jokes based on internet research, involving similar words, but not exactly in the same order, so definitely not copying…

What’s the difference between So Solid Crew and Steven Gerrard?

About 18 members or 29 members depending on which point in the pop combo’s history you’re referring to, as the number of people in the So Solid Crew changed over time, as members left, or were replaced, or other people joined in. And there is only one of this particular Steven Gerrard.

What’s the difference between Youssou N’Dour, Neneh Cherry and Steven Gerrard?

Youssou N’Dour is Senegalese, a singer, a percussionist, a songwriter, a composer, an occasional actor, a politician, and was Senegal’s Minister of Tourism and Leisure. Neneh Cherry is a Swedish-born singer-songwriter, rapper, and occasional DJ and broadcaster.

And Steven Gerrard is etc…

You can repeat the format with Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac, Motley Crue, The Cure, Jack Penate, Alice Cooper and any other hit paraders with a song with the word ‘second’ or in it. Make sure you’ve installed fire retardent software on your device before you tweet that mind!

On the subject of Gerrard, two questions:

1) During his “apology”, did he apologise to Ander? I guess he must have…

b) How many players in a similar situation haven’t made the standard cliched apology to the fans and the dressing room and the manager for letting them down and letting themselves down etc?! I guess all of them…

As for us, Giggsy now just needs to convince Vangle of Rafael at right back, and then all our’s and Giggsy’s favourites are in the team.

We’ll wait to get Danny back, when Giggsy’s boss.

Thought for the Day: Love will find a way.

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s been a strange week at Bifurcated Towers.  Lots have questions have been raised after we’ve had to deal with the fallout from that tweet from the last game in Preston: Is there a Quality Street in Wales?  Is there any way to find out?  Why do radiators and sinks need earthing?  If vegetable oil comes from vegetables, where does baby oil come from?  Aren’t all gifts “free”?  Why don’t we ever make any money?  I guess we’ll never know the answer to any of these questions.

Swansea are hosting United today.  If we don’t lose to them, we’ll have only lost one game in the last four hundred and will only be one hundred and sixteen points behind the leaders of the Premiership League, Chelsea.  All to play for, I think you’ll agree.

Dangermen in the Swansea team to look out for are Michu, who is worth the equivalent of one Michu; Garry Monk, the inventor of rhyming slang, and; Catherine Zeta Jones.

Prediction:  Vangle will stop messing around this week.  Four at the back with a midfield sapphire and one strikeman up front on his own for the whole match but with another strikeman playing alongside him at all times.  The starting eleven will make very interesting reading, and will, in this humble previewer’s humble opinion, consist of the exact following players:

• De Gea or Valdes
• Rafael or Valencia
• Jones and/or Evans and/or McNair and/or Smalling
• Rojo and/or Shaw and/or Young
• Di Maria and/or Herrera and/or Fellaini and/or Mata and/or Blind and/or Januzaj
• Falcao and/or RvP and/or Wilson
• Rooney

This combination will prove too much for the brave Swans who will suffer the biggest home defeat in their entire history.  1-0 Swansea.

Young Patrick was only too happy to talk to me as I pulled the staples out of his head one sunny afternoon.  His favourite things include cream cakes, seismology and the collected works of Charlaine Harris:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Completely done nothing – Benno, please just put MIA (black ops Da Nang) ta babes xx

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Exactly how many games are there in a season anyway? It’s pretty shoddy that no-one’s keeping a record imo. It feels like all my precious time is taken up borrowing your* jokes to write one of these. Where’s my me time? I’ve got things to do: sleeping till midday doesn’t do itself. Eating. I’ve got to eat.** And … put the recycling out on a Tuesday night.

*yours not theirs.

**I had a paxo stuffing sandwich last night: Pre-heat oven to 7. Add hot tap water to paxo. Pour mix into whatever you can find that can go in the oven. After it smells like burning, remove from oven. Place between two slices of bread. Serve. Add tomato sauce to season.***

***Idea: ‘Bifurcatered’ spin off cookery series. Phil Collins, playing the part of me, goes round football fan’s houses, while they’re out watching the match, and makes sandwiches with their stuff.

In life people say you never get a second chance. Idiots. But for the point I’m making let’s say they’re right … so that’s why football is better than life; cos football has second legs and rebounds and retaken penalties and that. Imagine if you could replay that time, when you were eleven years old, and your mum dressed you up as a cheerleader at school, and you won the fancy dress competition, and then you were talking to the girl you really fancied for ages, and then you realised she didn’t realise you were actually a boy dressed up as a girl, and you were devastated. And resented your mum for the rest of your life. For example.

Replays … cheerleader… thought I was a girl … resent mum … ah yes … so this our second chance of the season to prove we are gooder than Swansea, after the delightful comic timing of a beating they gave us on Vangle’s wedding day.

Prediction: She’d still think I was a girl. 2-3 United.

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’ve actually been to Stamford Bridge a few times, and a couple of those were even to watch that football thing that so many people know and love.  I’ve seen Eric get booked for scoring an outrageous lob on Boxing Day and I’ve also seen Rooney miss a penalty in the League Cup, but that one was for Everton so nobody cares.  Now that I think about it, United have a 100% record (P-1 W-1 D-0 L-0 GF-3 GA-2 Pts-3) away at Chelsea when I’m at the match so things bode very well for the next encounter.

[Phone rings: YO!……  Sorry, Mum, it’s my new answering thing.  Cool, innit?……  It means “isn’t it” but it’s shorter…… Yeah, I suppose it is already shortened.  Never really thought about it befo…  Anyway, stop distracting me with grammar stuff.  What do you want?……  Sorry, Mum; what can I do for you today, my wonderful and beautiful sire?……  I’m not taking the piss……  Well I’m sorry you feel like that, but I’m not…….  FFS…… Yeah, I know you know what that means……  Why?  Because it’s quicker to type and Brettney doesn’t allow swear words on here……  Yes, Mother, I know what “meta” means; that’s the joke……  Well, you think Mrs Brown’s Boys is funny so I’m not taking advice on comedy from you.  Good day, madam……  I SAID “GOOD DAY”.]

Turns out United are at home, and even if they weren’t I wouldn’t be going as I’m barred from Fulham due to a pending libel case involving Al Fayed over a previous preview from before in the past.  Chelsea players to watch out for are Kerry Dixon, Adrian Mutu and John Terry’s dad.  Wink, wink, sniff.  Allegedly.

Prediction:  After masterminding a resounding victory against the Baggies last week, Vangle will be looking to keep the momentum going.  His team will not disappoint.  Medium Angel will get his first goal-setting-up pass of the season that isn’t a scuffed shot, when his delightful dinked through-ball is thwacked into the roof of the net by Medium Robin.  Medium Juan will pull himself out of his recent funk by doing one of those boner kicks that have been on the Twitter all week, leaving the Chelsea keeper gaping open-mouthed as the ball sails over his head into top bangs.  Medium Marcos will have Diego Costa so deep in his pocket during the match that the Spanish striker will be choking on lint and five pence pieces for ninety minutes.  Medium Janners Aye will finish up the scoring with ten minutes to go with a towering diving header, also into top bangs.  1-0 Chelsea.

This week’s recipient of the acrostic-love is Rafael Pereira da Silva, more commonly know as Rafael.  This is lucky for me as that surname is far too long for someone of my limited vocabulary.  Besides, he’s only little and there aren’t any pictures of him that are big enough to fit the acrostic in.

Rafael, 24, lists his interests as wrestling, millinery and Fabio (the model/actor).

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I was at Stamford Bridge when Chelsea got relegated. By Middlesborough. They were a lot funnier then.

Prediction: United to win 2-1 because Mourinho leaves 85 minutes early. This blatant disrespect backfires as Chelsea forget it’s a real game and spectacularly collapse due to internal strife after an incident at their weekly quiz night (Spock is only HALF Vulcan).

This should’ve been longer and had more jokes but I’m saving all the best other two for the MBMBM thing.

Ed.- You should’ve been longer and had more jokes.

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Brett:

What else can we say about Mourinho and Chelsea that hasn’t been said before? Well, for a start, thirteen minutes before every other away game, Mourinho selects members of the squad out of an oversized hat (a bit like the one that Dr. Seuss lent Robbie’s brother, Pharrell) – how they all fit in there, is anyone’s guess. Those picked are then forced to rest pickled eggs, tween their torso and toppy arm bit – in the pit of the arm if you will, if only sciencers had given this area an appropriate name – and then the players who manage to keep said pickled egg intact (after formal inspection by former, or possibly current kit man Garry Grey) for the first 45 minutes, plus stoppages, of the match, are given a free ticket for the club’s Christmas meat raffle. Those who go on to protect the pickled egg until the end of the full ninety minutes, plus stoppages, get a basket of pot-pourri, Jose has prepared and put together himself.  And how about the cocktail umbrellas the Chelsea players are instructed to put up and carry around with their opposite hand (easier for those in the squad who are amphibious) during training sessions played in heavy rain, so that Jose can serenade them with a reinterpretation of the theme tune from Jossy’s Giants, imaginatively entitled, Jose’s Giants, with Bryan Robson on keyboards. We’ll not get into the hedgehog crisp tiddlywinks champion ship they sail around Chelsea harbour. None of these things are of course true, but they are three things that have never been said about Mourinho and Chelsea before. Which was the thing I was doing.

As Leyton Orient fan Jon Bongiovi noted in his unforgettably hugely massive big hit Midnight in Chelsea based on the really real life real occasion he was kicked out of Stamford Bridge for aggressive hair: I’ve seen a lone, sloane ranger drive. And haven’t we all. Let’s hope Vangle has taken heed.

As for Manchester United: quite the conundrum. ‘Specially, what with conundrums only normally consisting of nine letters. Anyway, fingers on buzzers: start the clock…

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-d

*BUZZ*

GOT IT! Ahhhh! Eat my brain on toast! All bow down to my wordsmithery … ‘Humanist Centre’! Oh, now wait, gah, not enough letters. I didn’t want to play this stupid game anyway. Okay…

Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-

*BUZZ*

‘Decennatherium’! Bless you. Not even sure if that’s a word that exists and means an extinct genus of giraffidae (I dunno, I just copied and pasted it), and not enough letteYou’ve panned and filled for long enough now.

Doodoo-doodoo-diddlydum-dooooooooo.

Prediction: Susie Dent with her customary 7.

All together now…

Liverpool Rob:

Usually I steer well clear of Brett’s advances around this peculiarity in the football calendar. If he gets hold of me he asks me out on a date to watch the match, because, well, we’re friends and it doesn’t matter who wins (or loses). This year I’m happy to put that theory to the test. I’ll let mum know she may need to buy a new hat.

 Now to the prediction: I usually go with the ref to be Howard Webb and a good controversial decision in favour of the hosts. Game over. However he has already doled out his quota of bad decisions against us for this season. He also has to make a few more headlines to ensure he’s on the bus to Brazil… hence I’m looking at a very red day at Old Trafford. I believe, and you can bet your house on this if you like, that Rooney will be sent off for tattooing a postage stamp onto Skrtel’s forehead, RVP for swinging an elbow album into Toure, De Gea for speaking Pigeon to everyone’s English hero, Putin for a pitch invasion when he sees everyone Russian around, Moyes for not declaring to the I.R. having a twin brother who is also his chauffeur (thanks Brett for that info), Hernandez will be sent on to climb the PeaStalk to rescue the treasure from the sleeping giant… which has just awoken and will happily let the Little Pea take as many trinkets as he likes; it won’t matter in the bigger scheme of things.

Prediction: Man U to record 57% possession.

P.S. I hope Mr Webb is in charge of the match or the above won’t happen, obvs.

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Ben (Benglorious):

One of the oldest rivalries in English football is being hosted at Old Trafford this Sunday.  Liverpool visit the Theatre of Dreams on a nine Premier League game unbeaten run, which has seen them demolish Arsenal, snatch an injury-time victory in a five goal thriller at Fulham and clinically dispatch Southampton in their last league run-out.  They’re winning matches the way you’re supposed to – by scoring more than their opponents – despite the best efforts of their defenders attempting to give the other team a chance.  They may have only kept two clean sheets in those nine matches, but they’ve banged in a quite ridiculous twenty-nine goals to bring them to second in the table; a mere seven points behind leaders Chelsea, but with a game in hand.

With Daniel Sturridge and Luis Suárez spearheading arguably the strongest attack in the whole of the Premier League, United have plenty to fear today.  Our defensive frailties are there for all to see:  Rio Ferdinand and Patrice Evra have both lost that mythical yard of pace; Captain Nemanja Vidić will have his next club, Inter Milan, on his mind; Chris Smalling and Phil Jones haven’t found their best positions yet; Jonny Evans is out injured and Rafael, fan favourite though he may be, can be be a liability in hot-blooded games like today’s event.

CAN YOU IMAGINE IF I ACTUALLY WROTE LIKE THAT FOR EVERY GAME?!?  No, thank you.  If you want serious (read: “boring”) matchday previews, then you’ve come to the wrong place.  Anyone with half a football brain can write stuff like the above: generic, stating the obvious tat, with a few pointless statistics thrown in to make it look like the writer is the Football Knowledge King, Soccerbrain Palace, Statistician Drive, Hipsterton, Football Knowledge Kingdom, HP1 1KK.

“Proper” football writers are ten pennies a dime on the internet, and pretty much regurgitate the same gibberish as the next guy.  Or the previous one.  Or the one writing concurrently to them.  I don’t know.  I’m all about the jokes.  Jooooooooookes.  My colleagues Tom and erm, Mr Bifocal are “writers” in the same vein: we’re the mainline injection of zany crack to Martin Samuel’s hand-warming Lemsip.  Now THAT’S a metaphor.

[That’s not to say that there aren’t some wonderful football writers out there.  If you don’t already, you should definitely check out some of my friends people I’ve met through annoyed on Twitter, particularly Paul Ansorge (@UtdRantcast, 14000+ followers), Paul Gunning (@PaulGunning1, 1500+ followers, most of them bought) and Ivan Evan Ewan Iwan Lehnert (@IwanLehnert, 400+ followers.  Seriously?  That few?  That’s a bigger injustice than the recent Cantona framejob).  Not only are all three terrific writers about all things United, they probably also get paid by the thoroughly respectable websites they wordsling for.  If I had to rank them:  Snog Iwan, marry Paul and avoid Gunning.  He’s the worst.]

Prediction:  Yet more hope and optimism from me this week, particularly in light of our excellent 3-0 defeat of the mighty West Bromwich Albion Football Club last Sunday.  Robin will have calmed down after last week’s shenanigans and put in a season-best performance; Wayne will use all his Everton/United hatred of Liverpool to put in a season-best performance; Shinji will come off the bench to put in a season-best performance and Dave will put in such a season-best performance that Liverpool’s S.A.S. (Pah! As if!) will both leave the pitch crying, begging for their mums.  1-0 Liverpool.

About the author:  Most of my jokes are* funny.

*You thought I was going to put “aren’t”, didn’t you?  Classic misdirection gag.  Told you I was funny.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Earlier this season – when it was still kinda funny – I suggested that we were entering the Prequel Trilogy of the Star Wars Universe. We all laughed (that’s the royal ‘we’ obvs) and then got on with our lives. Several months on, that light-hearted and off-the-cuff remark has borne an evil fruit. Certainly not the 5-Star healthy fruit we at UETFA use for all our currently non-sponsored competitons; I know you’re reading Nike – this is your chance to get on at the ground floor. World Cup year. If you don’t, Sky will.

Anyway….the tenuous Star Wars analogy I’m persisting with because it’s easier than accepting reality: If Fergie retiring was Chancellor Valorum’s ignoble dismissal, then Moyes arrival is clearly the equivalent of Palpatine’s rise to Chancellor – first game of the season? Nothing’s changed, people are happy, no-one’s aware of the insidious plot (Although I maintain in the film this was stupid because Return of The Jedi has been out for years….), everyone’s slightly nervous but hey, we’ll be fine. Luckily, we can completely ignore Attack of the Clones because a) why wouldn’t you? and b) I don’t think even I could relate the clone wars to United’s season. Moving on to Revenge, this is where it could go either way – either Moyes/Palpatine’s attempt at using his latest apprentice Darth Vader/Rooney – the great white hope who fell from grace to become a soulless jerkoff – will succeed and our brave Jedi Council (RVP/Adnan as Yoda/Obi-Wan respectively) will flee for their lives a la the movie OR Wayne will restore balance to the force and Moyes won’t have to be thrown down a massive shaft. Given Wayne’s new contract, this seems unlikely – he’s more money than man now, fat and evil. On the plus side – for me – this does mean I get to carry this nonsense on into next season with A New Hope. Unlucky losers.

Probably should mention the game. Because of the way I look at the world ie As I wish it to be, I’m going for a 5-0 to United, De Gea making a string of saves so brilliant, Arsenal erect a statue to him straight away. And lastly, when Ben thinks he’s talking to his mum? All me.

Prediction: 7.14pm Achacha Fruit.

Brett:

When I first set up Bifurcated – three years ago – I would sometimes allow myself to dream of this day: when following on from some really enjoyable, varied and entertaining opinions from both sets of fans I would*chokes*

That was never a 3-1 game; and I hope the dubious goals panel wipe that hat-trick off the records. I’m not bitter. I’m very bitter. I wonder if the dubious sendings off panel could swap Raf’s non-red for Vidic’s?

What’s with Moyes laughing so much in after-match interviews? One answer to that question – applying my best refridgerator magnet philosophy – is that he’s trying to put a brave face on the fact he’s treading water, wearing a straight jacket.

Why do you play Phil Jones, just back from injury, in midfield – impressive as he has been in midfield, despite it not being his preferred position – in a key game like this, when you have Darren Fletcher available? Because you’re lost.

Why do you play Ashley Young, a player with very little output over the season, who can’t defend (especially in an area of the field where we are potentially weak) – as okay as he’s been in a couple of games – ahead of lots of other options. Because you’re lost.

Why do you play Adnan at number 10 and not on the left, when every time this season when Kagawa has played 10 and Adnan has played on the left, we’ve looked at our best? Because you’re lost.

Why don’t you ever play the same team twice when you’re struggling. Because you’re lost.

Maybe Moyes is a bit lost? A bit like Fergie soemetimes was.

It’s the take-away image from the game and one that will no doubt be replayed endlessly the next time this fixture comes around. Okay, I don’t think it’s the best example of human behaviour, but I already knew what David Luiz was capable of, further evidence doesn’t compound it, it just sits on top of the pile of all the other stuff and … I’m already bored of talking about it. What’s worse for me is that he didn’t receive a second yellow, – for what was a blatant dive during the incident – and follow Rafael off the field.

The game was strange: I felt like we were set up to counter, anticipating a Chelsea onslaught which never really came and this made the game disjointed. If we would have been needing to win the game , I would have expected to have seen a change earlier, but we didn’t, so we didn’t.

I was in the pub sat next to an Arsenal fan, who blamed us entirely for everything that’s wrong with the world. That was nice.

I enjoyed the game and not really sure why all the negativity – it doesn’t matter (to me).

MOTM: Phil Jones looked alright.

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

Brett:

I do wish we could all keep the confident talk of us winning the Champions League down?! If the footy gods get wind of it, we’re toast! As a seasoned expector of good things to happen, I have come to accept that good things tend to happen when the masses least expect them, or at least that’s one theory – the theory that I haven’t got a clue what I’m talking about tends to take precedence over  most others.

In the game that most people – United fans included – gave us little chance in, the perception is that we’ve managed to nudge our noses in front, but personally I think the away team can only really be considered in the driving seat with at least two goals under their belt. The second Real score – and we have to be pretty sure they will – they’re favourites; unless we’re already four up, in the last minute, with them down to nine men, with Ronaldo no longer on the field.

I can’t imagine Danny’s going to be playing from the start in the second, which makes me a bit sad. But hey it’s not all about me. Besides, he can come on and score and be an even bigger hero – isn’t that right Danny?! (He’s definitely reading this.) With our family of disfunctional wingers, we could certainly do worse right now, and even though I haven’t got a clue whether we’ll be going narrow or traditional, I think Fergie would opt for Ashley Young and TV if we were to be lining up as the latter.  With Fergie’s previous to go on, Nani could provide the wild card.

I’ve just dragged myself into predicting the team again, a wholy unhealthy pastime. So, let’s just get it out the way. I’d go 4-4-2 (4-5-1): David; Raf, Rio, Jonny, Evra; Carrick, Cleverley, Giggsy, TV; Rooney, RVP (Though I don’t think there is any chance this team will happen.). It’s a testament to the squad that any number of line-ups and personnel would be relatively welcome. The news Phil Jones isn’t fit to start doesn’t upset me personally, I much prefer Cleverley in there, despite Phil Jones’ display at Real. I’m backing Rafael to take the game to them down the right, unlike he did in the first half in the first leg. If Giggsy starts I think I’ll smile forever, or at least till kick off (Actually, using Giggsy, as I think Fergie will, as a tool to lift the crowd from the bench, is by far the best policy).

I’ve been really enjoying the ongoing emotive mind games Fergie’s playing with Ronaldo. Speculation of him returning and talk of him coming home make for a highly emotionally charged Ronaldo – maybe a Ronaldo who can’t find it within himself to hammer the nail in our CL coffin, should the opportunity present itself. He’s pretty intensely self-interested, but I think it’s unfair to suggest that that’s all he is. He does have feelings for the club and Fergie and there’s nowt wrong with exploiting them, if it offers you a potential advantage* * This rule does not necessarily apply to real life – check the notes on context in your user manual.

I’m really, really excited – the nerves have been shredding for the past week.

Prediction: 2-1

Goals: RVP and Danny