Rashford

Sunderland 0 - 3 United

Sunderland 0 – 3 United

Captain. Leader. Legend. Haterz gonna hate, but Fella’s gonna regulate! Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Goals are good.  

Middlesborough 1 - 3 United

Middlesborough 1 – 3 United

United’s tactics have come under intense scrutiny after their second half display saw them revert to a flat back eleven. For those of you who are new to Association Football, a flat back eleven is kind of like a flat back twelve but without the extra character bought in on the heist and without the […]

EL: United (2) 1 - 0 (1) Rostov

EL: United (2) 1 – 0 (1) Rostov

This game will be forever remembered for something.         Here’s 5 things we learned: 1. Didn’t watch it but got 7 trophies on Tomb Raider instead. 2. Hope this helps. 3. Like 1 but with another game and less trophies. 4. Like 1 and 3 but with a life.

FA Cup: Blackburn 1 - 2 United

FA Cup: Blackburn 1 – 2 United

Magical Jose Mourinho used the magic of the cup to make magical Zlatan and magical Pogba magically appear on the pitch and magically create and magically score the magical winning magic. And now you’re gonna etc… Here’s 5 magical things we magic: 1. Brett is bad. 2. He was working. If anything he’s a working […]

United 1 - 1 Scum

United 1 – 1 Scum

  CAPS LOCK AND VARIOUS BUTTONS ON MY COMPUTER HAVE LEGIT GONE TO SHIT> SEND HELP> CAN”T EVEN DO PUNCTUATION> FUCK MY LIFE> Here’s 5 things we learned, which were written before the buttons issue above: 1. Pogba is bad. 2. #Pogba is worse. 3. Hope we long ball our way to next season’s Champions League Final. […]

FAC: United 4 - 0 Reading

FAC: United 4 – 0 Reading

In years from now you’ll be able to tell your grandkids, “I was there!!” A goalscoring feat that we’ll be talking about for generations to come. Cementing one of United’s GOAT’s Hammerlegend status. One of those goalden moments… January 7th, 2017: Marcus Rashford with YET ANOTHER one-yard smash. Nothing else of note happened.   Here’s […]

West Ham 0 - 2 United

West Ham 0 – 2 United

Long lost brother (Another) guvner’s chicken curry (victory) Cor blimey (for) old taming of (the) twice fortnightly (mighty) double beds (Reds) white picket fenced (against) door (the) horses stable (lovable) Cockernee (cockney) Round-o’-darts (counterparts) Jean-Claude Van Dammers (West Ham).   Donkey’s tears (Here’s) a mambo (five) queens and kings (things) me ol’ china (we) jury […]

West Brom vs. United

West Brom vs. United

 (@Benglorious) I’m guessing there’s some more football on today. There’s always football. Was gonna write about that Star Wars thing but I’m pretty sure Tom wants to spoil that for Paul. I enjoyed the PIEEW-PIEEW guns and the VWOMM-VWOMMM stick the most. Rojo penalised.   Prediction: Me to never use any lyrics by Brett for […]

Palace vs. United

Palace vs. United

 (@Benglorious) Crystal Palace are the first team in Premier League history to have two brothers playing for them. They also hold the record for being the only team in the world to have Alan Pardew as their current manager.   Prediction: More goals than you can shake a stick at, as long as you like […]

United 1 - 1 Arsenal

United 1 – 1 Arsenal

Keane and Vieira, Keown and Van Nistelrooy, Wright and Schmeichel, Wenger and Fergie, Wenger and Mourinho, Wenger and Dugout, 8 and 2, Title and Winning at Old Trafford, we gave your boys one hell of a drawing. Here’s 5 things we learned from the latest war, in this war to end all wars in wardom: […]

EL: Fenerbahce 2 - 1 United

EL: Fenerbahce 2 – 1 United

Jose Moruinho more like. That’s actually pretty good. For us. You can’t have that one. Here’s 5 things we learned, aside from the fact we are pretty good at mixy-letter-word jokes: 1. I have no idea what is going on at United but it is actually bad. 2. Luke Shaw really needs to hit the […]

United 4 - 1 Fenerbahce

United 4 – 1 Fenerbahce

Wayne “Roondawg, Skipperdy-Skip-Skip, Capper-Roo” Rooney returned to the first team and inspired a resounding victory against one of Europe’s averagest teams, who could make Dundee United look like 1990’s Ajax. And made everyone look relatively great again, in a competition that defies context, meaning, or worth. Great times. Paul Pogba, the second best of all […]

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