Bifurcated Manchester United » Rojo

Bournemouth 1 – 0 United

Us — Thu, 28 Nov 2019 13:38:16 +0000

Are we good or bad? guess we’ll never know.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. We really are fucking shit

2. Ole started his United managerial career on a wing and a prayer but now his wings are on fire and his prayers have been answered. By Satan.

3. I enjoyed the bits I didn’t watch which is all of it

4. They were the best bits tbf

5. Seconded

United 2 – 2 Arsenal

Us — Fri, 07 Dec 2018 13:51:10 +0000

Mourinho avoided handing Arsenal the Premier League Title at Old Trafford and didn’t kick a boot into David Beckham’s face after the match, so, should be seen as a vast improvement on the Fergie Era imho.

Here is another 5 things we learned, taking our total tally of learns over the last 4 years to an impressive 2:

1. Bad defending is ok as long as you endanger the opposition in an exciting manner

2. I though the blackjack challenge was tedious. Then I started the dominoes one

3. Decorating licks balls but the stain finish is delightful

4. Boy what about Matic getting MoTM are these guys blind, right?

5. I actually quite enjoyed the game and it’s been ages since that happened so imo that was good.

6. I missed every goal so didn’t enjoy it quite as much

7. This is Lukaku. Lol. Geddit??!! Cos of the misses.

8. Next time we should try scoring first and then scoring from our own kick off imo.

United vs. Brighton

Us — Sat, 25 Nov 2017 12:54:05 +0000

(@Benglorious)

Brighton are renowned for the invention of rock, even though everybody secretly knows it was Lenny Kravitz.

Prediction: Goals for the Rash and the Marsh see the Unitesh to a comfortable victory. Lukaku to get a timely lift off his sister and Lando by thinking really hard. 0-0 United.

(@tom_mcghee)

Are we playing Newcastle again? I’m out if we’re not.

Prediction: I’m out. 3-0 United.

I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here (2017)

People eat dicks in a forest. Not my cup of tea.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m out cos life.

Prediction: 0-0 United.

EL: United (2) 1 – 0 (1) Rostov

Us — Fri, 17 Mar 2017 14:18:52 +0000

This game will be forever remembered for something.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Didn’t watch it but got 7 trophies on Tomb Raider instead.

2. Hope this helps.

3. Like 1 but with another game and less trophies.

4. Like 1 and 3 but with a life.

United 1 – 1 Bournemouth

Us — Mon, 06 Mar 2017 13:39:35 +0000

At Bifurcated we have been lobbying for a long time with the footballerers: it’s such a shame these results aren’t recorded in a table or league format, because by my calculations we’d be sitting proud in 6th place, and the whole world would be saying something about it every day of the week, and every week of the month, and every month of the year. Or every day of the year even.

Here’s 5 things we learned apart from that Zlatan is hammerlegend:

1. Eddie Howe looks like Marcus Rojo’s prison lesbian lover.

2. Fellaini has no business being out there, no business. He’s not even the best elbower in The Beatles.

3. Got a *fire emoji* light fitting from Next in the sale.

4. Can’t wait to see it Next (next) time I’m round yours.

5. Don’t invite me. Please.

S.Corpions: Rojo

Ben — Mon, 20 Feb 2017 12:52:18 +0000

S.Tarship: Rojo-Jones

Ben — Sun, 29 Jan 2017 15:03:11 +0000

Stoke vs. United

Us — Sat, 21 Jan 2017 14:03:15 +0000

(@Benglorious)

Stoke means to add coal or other solid fuel to (a fire, furnace, boiler, etc.), to encourage or incite (a strong emotion or tendency), and also to consume a large quantity of food or drink to give one energy. One of these is where the football team we are playing today gets their name from, but historians cannot decide which one.

Prediction: Tom to think it’s super easy to transfer a Youtube video from a Whatsapp group. Rojo to be penalised. Giroud to be onside. 0-0 United.

(@tom_mcghee)

Are we playing Stoke today? If so please post this link for my preview. It is relevant.

If I’m ever unavailable again, please re-use.

Prediction: George to reconsider and erase the preview trilogy from history. He’ll also remove all the ridiculous CGI from the original trilogy, and make it so Han shoots first again like the scoundrel we know and love. 2-1 United.

(@bifurcated_utd)

For the first time in football history, goals are top of the agenda, as half-man/half-robotic-runner-bean Peter Crouch takes on half-man/half-bag-of-chips Wayne Rooney in a scintillating ‘who can get a goal which enables said individual to achieve a personal milestone, which in team sports is a legit geno selfish act of Pope Sixtus IV proportions’? Whoever fails has to to take Coleen and Kai and Klay and Kit to China.

Prediction: Brett to erase Tom and Benno from preview history. 0-0 United.

Palace 1 – 2 United

Us — Thu, 15 Dec 2016 20:03:40 +0000

United reaffirmed their not drawing all the games ever credentials with a not a draw that takes them within a very tall giant’s breath of Chelsea at the top of the table, and a very, very, very tall man who failed to get his giant’s licence on a technicality’s breath of the Champions League places.

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!! AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!! AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!! WE’RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE cup semi final.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Drawing for a lot the game but then winning is loads better than just drawing. Anyone doubting this can check the maths; conclusive science has proven – conclusively – that 3 is more than 1 and that multiples of 3 will pay dividends i.e. winning two games (6pts) is better than winning one and then drawing one (4pts).

2. Godzilla is legit better than Rojo.

3. Robbie Savage is legit worse than everything ever conceived.

4. What about 2 Robbie Savages?

5. You and I are enemies now.

6. Still glolling @ Godzilla.

Chelsea 4 – 0 United

Us — Mon, 24 Oct 2016 17:46:09 +0000

Blah blah blah Mourinho at Chelsea! Blah blah blah Mourinho at United! Blah blah blah Mourinho at Chelsea? Blah blah blah Mourinho at United? I wish I could read more about this, but my eyes are full of all the interesting opinions and statistics. Like he said himself, he’s ‘not 99% United and 1% Chelsea’. Or maybe he was paraphrased. Or maybe just misquoted. Idk. Am I Billy Factchecker?

Jose 4nili0 more like. You can have that one. T&Cs apply; please read the small print.

You’re all cunts.

Here’s 5 more things to learn from us:

1. Conceding after 30 seconds is bad tactically.

2. Remember when Fellaini looked ok for a week or so? Lol.

3. Chris Smalling made Fellaini look credible, despite what I just said.

4. Didn’t watch it.

5. Never watching again.

6. @ me out of this.

7. Your face made Fellaini look cre