Here’s 5 things we learndured:

1. Rooney still has a lot to give

2. Volunteering at a charity shop.

3. Where he can be that plastic guide dog you put money in

4. Smalling & Jones are not Rio and Vidic. They’re not even Neville and Prunier.

5. Playing to lose makes no sense to me and is legit unacceptable at United.

6. HE’S MAKING US MAKE SENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS

7. I like that Grant Ward is back and a hero this time

8. Evil Fitz rules

9. Daisy was very bad at fitting in

10. Feel like we’ve gone off-message

11. It numbs the pain of the terrible terrible football

(@Benglorious)

Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet?

Prediction: The season to be over, yet there still to be more games to suffer through. Spurs to do another classic bottle-job but it doesn’t count as a bottle-job for some reason because Spurs. Goals for European Player Of The Year*, Fellaini, and World Player Of The Year**, Rooney. 0-0 United.

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*U-19’s French cricket

*U-85’s Kerplunk

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Independence Day Resurgence (2016)

How the actual fuck did this get a Hollywood release? That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals from Beckham and Cole to snatch the title from Arsenal’s grasp. 2-1 United.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

With the title still wide open, and in our own hands, I expect a full strength team from Mourinho.

Rooney’s 252 goals this season have been key to our EPL push and our captain will no doubt to add to that tally. Elsewhere, I can see Luke Shaw celebrating his PFA and Football Writer’s awards with a performance fitting of his season’s form and to see Paul Pogba and Mkhitaryan bossing the midfield. In defence: Phil Jones and Chris Smalling fresh from carrying England to World Cup glory will have no trouble dealing with Tottenham’s limited attacking options.

Tottenham on the other hand have resorted to type: so much potential and yet still found wanting and relying on the Europa League to provide them with a trophy.

Prediction: They’re coming to take me away haha. They’re coming to take me away my away haha. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned at the weekend:

1. We’re shit.

2. I cannot adequately express the rage I experience watching Wayne Rooney try and play football. It is embarrassing. He must know it’s embarrassing. Fuck off m8.

3. I think 1 & 2 covers it.

4. Tom covered it.

5. See 4.

Here’s the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Martial is faster/miles better than Joseph Barton.

2. It was good when Pogba did that skinny turn thing and Brady didn’t know where the ball went.

3. Rooney is still clownshoes.

4. I liked how I didn’t feel nervous for the last 15 minutes of the game.

5. My carpets are still damp.

6. Another week of actually doing ‘5 things’!! Great work guys!! oh.

If we’d scored more, the scoreline would have been different. I learned that before, so don’t need to put it below. And also we’re not repeaterers.

Here is the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Winning 4-0 and staying in the cup is loads better than losing 2-1 and going out.

2. I like to pretend we beat Bradley Wiggins and each goal was actually a kick to his bollocks. Fun Wiggo fact: he loves The Jam.

3. Still think we should write The Two Tonys, a Miami based police show starring Tony M & V.

4. Only if their first case is the double-murder of Fellaini and Rooney.

5. Which they can’t be arsed solving.

6. Agreed. I’ll fetch my ink and parchment.

 (@Benglorious)

Winning nine matches in a row is lovely and a real morale booster, but eight of those wins were against West Ham and the other one was just Spurs so let’s not kid ourselves. Today is the real test: Liverpool. Their league position suggests they are ahead of us and they possibly do come here as favourites. Liverpool are having a very good season and we will have to do everything we possibly can to beat them.

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Prediction: Tom to get annoyed at his own lack of formatting. Pogba and Ibra to lack match sharpness because they spent too much time clowning around with that clown Henry instead of training. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Was gonna attempt a serious effort for this but then remembered everyone in the world does so fucked it off.

Apparently mega-rivals, Liverpool are a team from Merseyside and The Beatles. Their best player is still Steven Gerrard and their manager sure is wacky!! Do you remember that episode of Cracker with Robert Carlyle? That was good. Do you remember that film with Samuel L Jackson wearing a kilt? That was awful (it was set in Liverpool. That’s the link) Both teams play in red unless one of them is playing away in which case they’ll wear another colour to help the referee if the home kit is also red, and both teams are highly successful, albeit one more than the other. Their anthem of choice is ‘You will never walk on your own’ which is a fucking lie – sometimes you will i.e. going to the shops, catching a bus.

10 Cloverfield Lane (2015)

John Goodman is a madman with a bunker that he now lives in due to an attack. Watchers of films will know this is an alien attack because of Cloverfield. He has two companions, one a man with a beard and one a lady who he thinks is his daughter, despite her not being that. The not Johns try and escape because John is a madman. OR IS HE?? (he is) One of them does but is then like ‘whoa, Aliens?? for realsies?’ but then kills them with whiskey. That aside, pretty good.

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Prediction: Brett and Benno to be annoyed by my lack of formatting, Pogba to hit 13 posts which summons Shenron (magical dragon. Think Pete’s but manga) allowing us to bring Cantona and Scholes back. 2-1 United, Ibra taps in Rooney’s 35yd drive to stop him getting record. Please. 

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 (@ttackattackattack)

I’m impressed. Our banter content is at a premium today. And none of the usual repeats of references to The Beatles, or getting the lyrics to ‘You’ll Never Work From Home’ wrong (intentionally). Nothing about Steven Gerrard, Cracker, playing West Ham every week, or both teams playing in Red.

I met Danny Rose last night irl. He doesn’t read this shit either.

Prediction: According to Wikipedia there are only 4 posts permitted on the pitch at any one time, so unless the posts that are in play at the start of the game are substituted at half-time (another mind-fuck of a concept, that I’ll have to research later), and then at some other point during the match, then it’s not only the lack of formatting that Tom is going to be annoyed by. Shin it for the win! Like ‘in it for the win’ but Rooney. 0-0 United.

January 7th, 2017: Marcus Rashford with YET ANOTHER one-yard smash.

Nothing else of note happened.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Rashford is gud.

2. Reading is bad.

3. Rooney has scored a lot of goals but that doesn’t mean I have to like him, which I don’t.

5. Reading is good.

6. See 1-3.

7. I like it when Rashford boots it into the goal when there is absolutely no need other than to pretend it’s a WC final.

It was GGMU x Ghost of Fergie x Swashbuckle, as the mighty half dark Reds half light Reds gave the West of Ham one hell of a HAMMERing!**

United IRONed** out the crises (creases) in their match day output (outfit), as Zlatan HAMMERed** in a couple, and Tony M HAMMERed** in two also.

Elsewhere, Micky T continued to Kagawa his way through the season. And Bastian Schweinsteiger continued to make life look like one big walk in the park. That’s funny cos he walks in parks.

**Competition for our regular listeners: Spot the deliberate puns and win an exclusive day of Tom and Benno in your notifications.

Here’s 5 things we learned, apart from how to spell ‘sellotape':

1. Rooney is good.

2. Jones is good.

3. Rojo is good.

4. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

5. Let’s make this happen. Please.

6. I learnt nothing.

7. Aka got more important things do, now, than write words; forgetting how I was nobody before Brian discovered me cry wanking my way through life using subtweets as the conduit.

8. Uncanny.

9. I vote Paul out of this.