If we’d scored more, the scoreline would have been different. I learned that before, so don’t need to put it below. And also we’re not repeaterers.

Here is the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Winning 4-0 and staying in the cup is loads better than losing 2-1 and going out.

2. I like to pretend we beat Bradley Wiggins and each goal was actually a kick to his bollocks. Fun Wiggo fact: he loves The Jam.

3. Still think we should write The Two Tonys, a Miami based police show starring Tony M & V.

4. Only if their first case is the double-murder of Fellaini and Rooney.

5. Which they can’t be arsed solving.

6. Agreed. I’ll fetch my ink and parchment.

 (@Benglorious)

I’m guessing there’s some more football on today. There’s always football. Was gonna write about that Star Wars thing but I’m pretty sure Tom wants to spoil that for Paul. I enjoyed the PIEEW-PIEEW guns and the VWOMM-VWOMMM stick the most. Rojo penalised.

Prediction: Me to never use any lyrics by Brett for reasons. Godzilla to sign in the January window. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t even like the Star Wars. Why isn’t there even an East Brom? Racist.

Rogue One (2016)

To avoid spoiling it for the jobsworth nonces who haven’t made the effort to see it yet, I shall review this next week. Suffice to say, didn’t see Spock once!!! HAHAHAH like that joke when cunts pretend to confuse the two.

Prediction: Vader to chase Leia for the stolen death star plans, R2 to abscond to Tatooine with them leading to one helluva of an adventure, spanning 3 or more films. 4-0 United, Memphis to wear bad clothes.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Star Wars is for sucker chumps. Really should pay those boys more now we’re tapping in to that sweet patreon cash.

Prediction: Benno to use my song lyrics for once in his miserable excuse for a life – that he needs to get one of first, instead of watching me write this – and we become a famous. 0-0 United. 

It was GGMU x Ghost of Fergie x Swashbuckle, as the mighty half dark Reds half light Reds gave the West of Ham one hell of a HAMMERing!**

United IRONed** out the crises (creases) in their match day output (outfit), as Zlatan HAMMERed** in a couple, and Tony M HAMMERed** in two also.

Elsewhere, Micky T continued to Kagawa his way through the season. And Bastian Schweinsteiger continued to make life look like one big walk in the park. That’s funny cos he walks in parks.

**Competition for our regular listeners: Spot the deliberate puns and win an exclusive day of Tom and Benno in your notifications.

Here’s 5 things we learned, apart from how to spell ‘sellotape':

1. Rooney is good.

2. Jones is good.

3. Rojo is good.

4. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

5. Let’s make this happen. Please.

6. I learnt nothing.

7. Aka got more important things do, now, than write words; forgetting how I was nobody before Brian discovered me cry wanking my way through life using subtweets as the conduit.

8. Uncanny.

9. I vote Paul out of this.

Another game, another point proven, made, gotten and proven. Did we say proven? We’ve forgotten the point. In this game, again, The Universe provided us with irrefutable evidence that the baddies always win, so ultimately what’s the point in remembering points anyway, if you get our point…

Just realised Schneiderlin reminds me of an old friend, Andy. Wonder what that guy is up to? Wonder if he’s forgiven me yet for sleeping with his girlfriend. He was always a stickler for tradition. Great times. Might give him a FB poke like it’s olden times…

.

Here’s 5 things we’ve learned this weekend:

a) Tom is a flash in the pan fancy boy.

B) Drawing is better than losing.

3) Painting is better than drawing.

d) Shoes are Wayne but Wayne was also the match.

5) We’re disgusted Vardy is mentioned in the same breath as Ruud Van Horeilface.

Drums please … Woooh! What a wicky-wah-wicky-wah-wicky-wah-wicky-wild result! Just slide with me, just slide with me, just slide with me, c’mon and take a walk with me … scoring dramatic late goals to win games like it’s 2000. Excuse me … Willenium. Herrera celebrated like it was 1999. Hold up it is. Memphis got jiggy with it. Let’s go to my yacht on the west keys and ride my jet-skis. Yo home smell yer later.

Here’s uh 5 things we learned haha wha? Uh:

1) Arsenal are good at the penalties. Haha.

2) Obama had bad news. Wha?

c) Loving Memphis’ modern homage to Kareem Abdul-Jabber from Enter the Dragon. Uh.

3) Bastian isn’t short for Sebastian. Which is some proper medieval gangsta crap right there. Haha. Uh.

4) Idea for a Match of the Day spin off: Just the two of us – Alan Shearer and Martin Keown set fire to themselves. I don’t light it. Uh-huh. Yo. Haha.

5) Memphis is bringing back retro standard lamp chic. Something all of us in the Bifurcated office are all very excited about. Wha? Wha? Uh. Haha.

8) 5 and c are the same but different. Word.

IX) Not sure what the Will Smith thing is about, Paul.