Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. I loved the probability bar, opens up a whole new dimension on ‘are we winning or not I can’t tell’

2. I also loved Marcus Ashford who I named Goal Lord

3. Greenwood? More like GreenGood !! Doesn’t really work but who the fuck cares anymore

4. I loved how it was only £200 cheaper than Sky

5. I hate us

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Using a chainsaw to remove tree stumps is not as fun as you think.

2. I lost my 18 day daily objective streak on GTAV because Rockstar cunts.

3. I learnt nothing.

4. You learnt that you learnt nothing.

5. Bite. Me.

(@Benglorious)

It’s only the third fucking game of the fucking season and I’m already fucking done with fucking football. Unless they bring back VAR and Russians who can literally run forever, I’m switching to rugby. And not the good one.

Prediction: Hopes to be dashed quite expertly yet again. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Lads, it’s Spurs’ used to be the lightsaber of football words i.e. from a more civilised age when things were great and we won everything always – now it is the Jay from Inbetweeners of football i.e. old and tired and makes me want to kill, especially when I see him do that betting advert where he walks off after his budget Iron Man suit falls apart but also in truth any time i see or hear him. Fuck that guy imho.

I have zero hopes or expectations for tonight because we lost to Brighton last week and were rubbish. Hope this helps.

Jumanji 2: This time it’s Jumanji (2018)

Wholesome family fun. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Me to be abso indifferent all day only to get massively wound up whilst watching, despite claiming to not care at all in this preview. 4-0 Spurs, Mino has a cake or 7.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I care so much about this game that I’m watching it down the pub instead of writing my preview. I hope this doesn’t backfire on me.

Prediction: My herpes to flare up as soon as we take the lead, followed by me shitting my actual pants as Spurs equalise, before everyone in the pub points and laughs at my tiny wiener when Spurs score the winner. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Tonight is when we see if Sanchez is worth paying more than a BBC presenter. Can the True Blue Gunner Gooner use his mighty Arsenal heart to vanquish the mighty Carmon Youspurs? This reporter says dunno.

Prediction: Sanchez to surpass all expectations by simply not being Armenian. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Was so distracted by classic deadline day antics I legit forgot we were playing – Barclay’s, you’ve done it again!! (This is my excuse for not doing words btw)

Brooklyn Nine-Nine Season 5 (2018)

Jokes. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Kane able to be a killer. I dunno, this isn’t even my preview for fuck’s sake. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Copy and paste that for me too

Prediction: 0-0 United.

Ashley Young owned Deli Alli, apparently. Deli Alli can only dream of being as good as Ashley Young one day.

Another cracker!

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Returning to boyhood haunts is bittersweet at best ie The Prom = sweet, Leroy from Fame being dead = bitter.

2. If you want to buy some 3D pictures (dinosaurs, dolphins, kittens), I know a guy.

3. Can us do 100 words on Denis Violet for ROM by tomorrow eve?

4. What kind of words?

5. And who is Denis Violet

6. Don’t know x 2.

*only, ever.

(@Benglorious)

Too busy. Whatever Tom says.

Prediction: Tom to say nothing. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Too busy. Whatever Brett says.

Prediction: Brett to say nothing. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Too busy. Whatever Benno says.

Prediction: Benno to say nothing. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learndured:

1. Rooney still has a lot to give

2. Volunteering at a charity shop.

3. Where he can be that plastic guide dog you put money in

4. Smalling & Jones are not Rio and Vidic. They’re not even Neville and Prunier.

5. Playing to lose makes no sense to me and is legit unacceptable at United.

6. HE’S MAKING US MAKE SENSIBLE OBSERVATIONS

7. I like that Grant Ward is back and a hero this time

8. Evil Fitz rules

9. Daisy was very bad at fitting in

10. Feel like we’ve gone off-message

11. It numbs the pain of the terrible terrible football

(@Benglorious)

Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet? Is the season over yet?

Prediction: The season to be over, yet there still to be more games to suffer through. Spurs to do another classic bottle-job but it doesn’t count as a bottle-job for some reason because Spurs. Goals for European Player Of The Year*, Fellaini, and World Player Of The Year**, Rooney. 0-0 United.

m

m

*U-19’s French cricket

*U-85’s Kerplunk

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Independence Day Resurgence (2016)

How the actual fuck did this get a Hollywood release? That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals from Beckham and Cole to snatch the title from Arsenal’s grasp. 2-1 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

With the title still wide open, and in our own hands, I expect a full strength team from Mourinho.

Rooney’s 252 goals this season have been key to our EPL push and our captain will no doubt to add to that tally. Elsewhere, I can see Luke Shaw celebrating his PFA and Football Writer’s awards with a performance fitting of his season’s form and to see Paul Pogba and Mkhitaryan bossing the midfield. In defence: Phil Jones and Chris Smalling fresh from carrying England to World Cup glory will have no trouble dealing with Tottenham’s limited attacking options.

Tottenham on the other hand have resorted to type: so much potential and yet still found wanting and relying on the Europa League to provide them with a trophy.

Prediction: They’re coming to take me away haha. They’re coming to take me away my away haha. 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

Winning nine matches in a row is lovely and a real morale booster, but eight of those wins were against West Ham and the other one was just Spurs so let’s not kid ourselves. Today is the real test: Liverpool. Their league position suggests they are ahead of us and they possibly do come here as favourites. Liverpool are having a very good season and we will have to do everything we possibly can to beat them.

m

Prediction: Tom to get annoyed at his own lack of formatting. Pogba and Ibra to lack match sharpness because they spent too much time clowning around with that clown Henry instead of training. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Was gonna attempt a serious effort for this but then remembered everyone in the world does so fucked it off.

Apparently mega-rivals, Liverpool are a team from Merseyside and The Beatles. Their best player is still Steven Gerrard and their manager sure is wacky!! Do you remember that episode of Cracker with Robert Carlyle? That was good. Do you remember that film with Samuel L Jackson wearing a kilt? That was awful (it was set in Liverpool. That’s the link) Both teams play in red unless one of them is playing away in which case they’ll wear another colour to help the referee if the home kit is also red, and both teams are highly successful, albeit one more than the other. Their anthem of choice is ‘You will never walk on your own’ which is a fucking lie – sometimes you will i.e. going to the shops, catching a bus.

10 Cloverfield Lane (2015)

John Goodman is a madman with a bunker that he now lives in due to an attack. Watchers of films will know this is an alien attack because of Cloverfield. He has two companions, one a man with a beard and one a lady who he thinks is his daughter, despite her not being that. The not Johns try and escape because John is a madman. OR IS HE?? (he is) One of them does but is then like ‘whoa, Aliens?? for realsies?’ but then kills them with whiskey. That aside, pretty good.

 m

Prediction: Brett and Benno to be annoyed by my lack of formatting, Pogba to hit 13 posts which summons Shenron (magical dragon. Think Pete’s but manga) allowing us to bring Cantona and Scholes back. 2-1 United, Ibra taps in Rooney’s 35yd drive to stop him getting record. Please. 

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

I’m impressed. Our banter content is at a premium today. And none of the usual repeats of references to The Beatles, or getting the lyrics to ‘You’ll Never Work From Home’ wrong (intentionally). Nothing about Steven Gerrard, Cracker, playing West Ham every week, or both teams playing in Red.

I met Danny Rose last night irl. He doesn’t read this shit either.

Prediction: According to Wikipedia there are only 4 posts permitted on the pitch at any one time, so unless the posts that are in play at the start of the game are substituted at half-time (another mind-fuck of a concept, that I’ll have to research later), and then at some other point during the match, then it’s not only the lack of formatting that Tom is going to be annoyed by. Shin it for the win! Like ‘in it for the win’ but Rooney. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things that we learned:

1. Mkhitaryan is gud.

2. More than 1 goal would be gud.

3. Where’s my money?

4. Who are we and what are we doing?