With Liverpool inflicting the first defeat of City’s momentous title challenge collapse, the only thing that can stand in the way of United and The English Premier League crown this season is the reality of themselves.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. We played well and I enjoyed it – Pogba, Lukaku, Mata and Martial all v. Good.

2. Worst Stoke performance since Robbie at the One Love concert.

3. Tony V has a left foot now.

4. Definitive ranking of all the Highlander films: 1st=Highlander

5. There can be only one.

6. Lol at 1.

(@Benglorious)

Can’t believe Stoke got a new manager today. Really can’t believe Stoke got a new manager at all. All I know about Paul Lambert is that he defeated the Kurgan and tasted that sweet, sweet Quickening.

Prediction: It’s a kind of magic. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am not writing another preview until we sign Alexis Sanchez. If we never sign him, so be it. I am a man of principle.

I might write something later if I get time the above is just bullshit to satisfy the reader.

Downsizing (2018)

Matt Damon and a Nazi get really small. Like, really small. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Goals for Sanchez. Tears for Arsenal. Work for Tom. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Can’t believe the good people of that place famous cos of being where Robbie Williams is from sacked my 64th, sorry, sixty-fourth works better for my word count, favourite Welshman Mike Hughes?! At least he has the old electrical business to fall back on.

Imagine being famous for that. And pots. FTL.

Prediction: Hell is gone and heaven’s here there’s nothin’ left for you to fear. Shake your ass, come over here, now scream. Come on let me enter etc… 0-0 United.

5 things we learnzy wearnzy woo woo’d:

1. It was a bad game.

2. Not 5-0 bad obvs but still pretty bad.

3. Mane was defies a red card and anyone thinking otherwise must have also shit for brains.

4. I liked it when Rashford cheated at heads and volleys to win the big goal.

 @Benglorious)

City 5-0 Liverpool. The prosecution rests, M’Lud.

Prediction: Me to finally realise that prosecution does NOT mean the same as electrocution. Unless it does. Ain’t nobody got no time to check these facts. Lukaku to gain an audience with Jabba by mind-tricking Bib Fortuna who is actually Peter Crouch. 4-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘You will never find,

a more wretched hive,

of scum and villainy’  –  Obi-Wan Kenobi re: Stoke

You say ‘Stoke’, you hear ‘Tony Pulis’. And he hasn’t been their manager since 2012 or summat (don’t check this). Can only assume its now either Mark Hughes or Steve Bruce. The point is, nobody cares. Other things about Stoke:

1. It has an area of 36 square miles

2. It is home of the Pottery Industry lol in England. The team’s nickname is The Potters. Despite there being no evidence any of the players ever having even a passing interest in this rather archaic past-time (its not an industry  -making steel is an industry)

3. ‘Aww their Striker is tall’ *Ray Romano from popular US sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond voice* (Ray’s brother was very tall, it was hilarious). Peter Crouch is the tallest footballer in world history.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Still refuse to watch

Prediction: I bottle publishing my first page draft of Titanic 3: Thrice the Ice despite it being critically acclaimed by at least two actors. Rashford to score 6 and we win the league with [however many games are left] to go. Wayne turns up pissed at HT and goes full Delia on everyone’s ass.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Just read Tom’s preview and completely lost the will to li

Prediction: It’s TRItanic, bell! 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

m

Prediction: Tom to think it’s super easy to transfer a Youtube video from a Whatsapp group. Rojo to be penalised. Giroud to be onside. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Are we playing Stoke today? If so please post this link for my preview. It is relevant.

 If I’m ever unavailable again, please re-use.

m

Prediction: George to reconsider and erase the preview trilogy from history. He’ll also remove all the ridiculous CGI from the original trilogy, and make it so Han shoots first again like the scoundrel we know and love. 2-1 United.

m 

 (@bifurcated_utd)

For the first time in football history, goals are top of the agenda, as half-man/half-robotic-runner-bean Peter Crouch takes on half-man/half-bag-of-chips Wayne Rooney in a scintillating ‘who can get a goal which enables said individual to achieve a personal milestone, which in team sports is a legit geno selfish act of Pope Sixtus IV proportions’? Whoever fails has to to take Coleen and Kai and Klay and Kit to China.

Prediction: Brett to erase Tom and Benno from preview history. 0-0 United.

Agent Hobo Chicken Fingerer Welsh Pirlo gave our boys one hell of a gingham pressing today. And as Sparky Marky Mark Hughesy Hughes said, it was totally utterly and thoroughly deserved. So it must be true. Cos he’s as honest as his balls are long.

None of us watched it. Hope that doesn’t ruin Benno’s regular a joke clearly marked as ‘5)’ later on…

Here est ein funf things we learnzing:

Sometimes you can play pretty well, carve out the best chances and still draw a game. Not sure the “everything’s bad” mantra was necessary – we’re not Arsenal.

Luke Cage is very good and I would strongly recommend.

Rooney is very bad but seems to be fulfilling a very niche role of assist-by-default machine.

Dave is allowed one mistake in 3 seasons.

5) Didn’t watch it.

Zecks) Who thinks they’re maverick numberless guy?

Zeeben) Tony M isn’t dead.

Elf) Herrera BOOOOOM!!!! Cos small.

Hoping this is merely a blip tbh.

Jesse-dawg, Martial-dawg, and Roon-dawg proved themselves to be the swashbuckliest of swasherers, with net-bulging scorings that could shiver the timbers of the mightiest haunted pirate tree on the seven seas.

Too soon.

Speaking of seven seas … here’s 5 things three seas took note of, to ensure your learnings, for the test withunder laboratory conditions, at season’s end:

1 for the money and the free rides) if you kick the ball thing in the net thing without infringing any of Association Football’s rules, you get what’s known as a “goal”.

2 for the lie you denied) if you do that three times in one “match”, that counts as three “goals”.

3 for the calls you been making) if their opponents don’t get as many “goals” as your team does, your team is credited with a “win”.

4 for the times you’ve been faking) We’re gonna win the league.

All ri5e) I liked it when we won.

The jury will deci6e) If your team play their opponents, who are they playing?

I res7 my case) Idiot.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Stoke-on-Trent is a unique city affectionately known as The Potteries. With its rich industrial heritage and history, Stoke-on-Trent has respectfully claimed the title of World Capital of Ceramics ( find out from whom and in which competition when/if bothered).

Opposition Summary: Stoke City Football Club is a Stokish professional stokeball club based in Stoke-on-Trent, Stokefordshire that plays in the Stokier League. They mostly play in broken red shirts. 

Prediction:  Stoke is near Derby and we battered them so Stoke will be an absolute walkover according to this Geogratistics thing I just made up. That’s right, ladies: geography AND statistics. Please form an orderly queue starting at Brett’s crying, naked body. The second queue can start at that pointing and laughing Tom person. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Stoke – named after wealthy founder Bram Stoker – are a team of many mischiefs and clay-based shenanigans. But not vampires. Which makes it kinda 1-1. They also have a rich heritage of industrial histories and according to Benno, some kind of Monkey forest. Got to be honest, if this Monkey Forest is real, I might support Stoke. Although this mile long lake sounds a bit needy. Remember when we used to mention the football?

Bram Stoker’s Dracula (1992)

Haven’t seen it. That aside, pretty good

Prediction: Doesn’t matter because everyone is still crying over this Pete Gladiola character.  Still, good news about Luke Shaw. 3-0 United. But only in the game I’m watching. 

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

And exactly how does a naked body cry? Good words, words.

Prediction: We’ll weasely beat them cos we’re Stokally unrecognisable from the last time we came together. Getting a little aroused tbh. 0-0 United.

That Arnautsausage goal was a banger. That’s funny cos his name is sausage and banger is a sausage in Stoketown. It stayed hit. And is now orbiting John Lewis. John Lewis wasn’t available for comment, cos he’s filming the new series of Lewis: A crime drama based on Inspector Morse’s dealings with the contractors from Auf Wiedersehen Pet, who fitted out his swimming pool in Europeland. Too soon. This MDMA is shit. Think I’m gonna do another one…

The other goal was pure comedy. Written by Russell Howard.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Stoke is the new Robbie Williams.

2) Robbie Williams isn’t dead. Yet.

3) Hans Solo is still dead – it wasn’t a joke or anything.

4) Who do we complain to about this?

5) Serious question; I want names.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

All those 0-0 predictions I’ve made this season were just a little joke. Except nobody’s laughing anymore. A 0-0 today would be like that one-minute-to-midnight-phonecall-from-the-Governor-to-the-Warden-who-is-stood-by-the-phone-in-the-execution-chamber-but-as-a-metaphor-for-Vangle’s-job-security-not-his-actual-life-hanging-in-the-balance-I-don’t-know-when-to-stop-with-the-hyphens-I’m-gonna-risk-it-with-a-full-stop. Imagine needing a landline as a lifeline lol. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction: Vangle to STOKE the fires that have long lain dormant in this United side. Rooney to be re-BOURNEmouth as the passionate goal machine who used to be able to get the whole country on its feet.  The whole team will give no quarter against Chelsea NORwich expect any. Another defeat for Vangle will surely not keep the WOLFsburg from the doors of Old Trafford and our long-suffering manager will soon be out on his ARSEnal. 0-0 United. 

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words today lads. Hold your tears.

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 Brett(@homeforchristmasinnit)

I can’t do words now lads cos holding tears.