(@Be

See the Basel preview in the future for my Newcastle preview from the past.

Prediction:  0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Newcastle United – or as the purists know them, The Black and White Stripers – are a team near the North Eastern hamlet of Sunderland. Their entire economy is based upon their patented Brown Ale sales, conveniently ignoring the fact most ales are actually brown. Their manager (fat, Spanish) has extensive PL experience (FACT lol) as well as being a fully trained waiter. Man I miss the international break.

Famous fans: Jon Bon Jovi, Tito Puente, Geordie Pete (driver who delivers us stuff, assures us he is well famous on the toon)

The Punisher (2017)

Frank Castle follows in his father’s footsteps and learns tap dancing lol of course not he is actually a very disturbed man who kills criminals with extreme violence i.e. sledgehammers and cement. Whilst singing Record Breakers lol its  the same joke that his dad was Roy Castle, may God have mercy on his tap-dancing soul.

Prediction: Alan Shearer. 3-0 United, horses punched.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Everyone knows that Sunderland are the best club in Newcastleland. For one thing they used a colour printer for their football kit uniforms.

Prediction: Jon Bongiovi’s lawyerers to send us a lawyerers letter for publishing false informations on a mainstrem website (Bifurcated.co.uk). Everyone knows that the the whole of Bon Jovi does not support Newcastle, just Jon; Richie Sambora is a Carlisle Uniteder. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Goals are good.

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: Moyes to crank up the post-match interview game by drop-kicking everyone in the head. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Captain Fellaini 2017

BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA That aside, BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Prediction: BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.  0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

David Moyes was never afforded the credit he deserved for masterminding our great escape from the top four, and paving the way for future generations of 6th place finishes. Hopefully, his achievements at Sunderland, in finally fulfilling their lifelong ambition to be relegated, will be suitably rewarded i.e death by cupboard dropped on his stupid mouth face from a plane carrying a ‘chosen one’ banner, piloted by Marouane Fellaini.

Alternate preview: The cupboard was never afforded the credit he deserved for masterminding our capacity to draw (DRAWER).

Alternate preview 2: Phallus in Sunderland (Alice in Wonderland).

Prediction: All the possessions. All the shots. All the posts. All the goals disallowed for being onside. All the things she said. All the things she said, running through my head, running through my head, running through my head (but substitute ‘she’ for ‘he’ i.e Jose, photoshopped over a picture of Luke Shaw). GGMU. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned between the mountains of blow and fountains of boobies:

1. Winning is good.

2. Losing is bad.

3. Moyes is bad.

4. Ergo, Moyes is a loser.

5. PROFIT!!!!

6. Did you see the Mkhitaryan goal tho?? He was like ‘uh oh ball’s behind me yo’ but then he was all like ‘don’t even matter dogg’ and it was all like a scorpion if his legs were a stinger.

7. Innit tho. Scorpions cannot kick like that due to the way their leg joints are hinged.

8. Makes zero sense. People are idiots.

9. Not us.

10. Brett is not us.

11. Brett is all of us.

12. Gross.

 (@Benglorious)

Happy Christmas, Brett. Hope you fucking choke on your lyrics.

Prediction: Brett to choke on his lyrics. Moyes to get booed. Nobody cheers. Rojo penalised. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Why food poisoning can kill creativity’ – an essay by Tom McGhee

I first suspected I was sick when I was violently sick. My suspicions were confirmed when I carried on being sick for hours, then days. Was it not Proust who said: ‘He will teach me, for is not he, too, in some degree the Truth?’ Either way; lesson is, don’t eat rancid hog fat.

Due to unforeseen circumstances, there will be no film review this week. Take it up with Brett.

Prediction: I only know we’re playing Sunderland because I read Benno’s first. 6-0 United, Moyes is a cupboard.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Probably won’t do one because I’m a lazy hotelier and I hate my audience.

Prediction: Me to choke on my lyrics. 0-0 United. 

Here’s 5 things we learned innit:

1) I learnt nothing.

2) I learnt less.

3) No. If anything I unlearned what I had learned.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Sunderland has been in the news for all the wrong reasons this week, but there is definitely Stadium of Light at the end of the tunnel – the lane closures on the A1231 are necessary for the future construction of the New Wear Crossing bridge. Stay patient, Sunderlishmen and women.

Opposition Summary: Sunderland AFC are the best team to win the 1973 FA Cup final apart from Leeds United who were the best team in England at the time and should’ve won the trophy. They play in broken red shirts like Stoke. Sunderland that is, not Leeds. I couldn’t give a shit what colour they play in. Leeds that is, not Stoke. 

Prediction:  Will Keane debut? Yes, probably. Oh, his name is Will? Still works to be fair. Will Will Keane be keen? Will he be more keen than Robbie Keane and/or Roy Keane? Will he be an equal amount of keen? Will Will Keane be keen to listen to Keane before trying to be equal or more keen than the keen Keanes? Where are my pills? 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Kingpin (1996)

An underrated gem from the Farrelly brother’s stable of comedy, Kingpin is more than just crass humour set in the working-class arena of ten-pin bowling – it is a metaphor for life that we can all understand. How many of us have been at the pinnacle of our lives, only for one error of judgement which lead to criminals cutting off our hand as punishment? And how many of us had Bill Murray as a rival and nemesis, with him taking all the glory whilst we crawled into the nearest bottle to wallow in self-pity? And how many of us tried to coach a naive Amish man to bowl so that we could regain our glory vicariously? And who here amongst us hasn’t pulled ourselves together for one last gargantuan effort, only to have victory snatched away from us by one solitary pin? I know I have. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Sunderland are better than Derby but worse than Chelsea but at least we don’t have to sack our players because they don’t know how to Google. 2-0 United.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

The thing about writing Tom’s preview is that he has a very imitable style and also because I normally have to write his anyway. Brett’s style is more surreal and involves a lot of wordplay, which I’ve already covered in my now world-famous “Will Keane” skit republished above. Ooh, Brett also loves a bit of self-loathing now that I think of it.

Prediction: Nobody to love me until I sort my life out and take proper charge of this shambolic excuse for a website. Tom gets a pass because I’ve known him 32 years and know exactly what he’s capable of. Brett is still probably a fictional character as far as I’m concerned. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things what we learnED:

1. The Warren Commission was a total fabrication

2. ‘Dick Advocaat’ is Dutch for ‘Penis Champion’

4. There might well be TWO Wayne Rooney’s operating simultaneously on the same time line: the one we see and the one the commentators/weirdos do.

3. Thought I’d got the hang of this.

12. Anthony Martial is good

b) Is he though?

c) Yes.

iii) At least I think he is: I’m doubting myself ever since the dead cat/pencil sharpener incident.

d) Guess we’ll never know.

m

 Benno (@Benglorious)

I’ve never been to Sunderland. Or have I? Think about that one while you’re illegally streaming the game probably.

m

Opposition summary: Sunderland used to be known as the Rokermen because their stadium was called Roker Park. Now, they play at the Stadium of Light and are therefore called the Black Cats.

Prediction: Martial to cement his place as a modern United legend by losing his first touch and goalscoring ability. However, he’ll find that he’d left them in Rooney’s wig and go on to touch everything first and score his first Premiership League hat trick along the way. 0-0 United. 

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can you just add ‘haven’t watched any films this week’ for mine? Yes, no problem.

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  Brett (@kinson)

Like all the utterly compelling rivalries of our footballs: Brucey vs Nose Bridges, Roondog vs Hair, Ji Sung Park vs Grass, Ashley Young vs Trip Hazards, Daley Blind vs Headwinds, Giggsy vs The Laydeez, Scholesy vs Legs, Phil Jones vs EVERYTHING!!!!, Eric vs Selling out in retirement, Januzaj vs Immature Semi-palindromes, Fellaini vs Your Ma, what was I saying…?

You’re a Dick Advocaat.

Opposition Rainery: idgi.

Prediction: Danny with his custom made crocsBOOM! A double y(j)oker. Cos of the usual a joke. And then the additional joke cos he’s always “crocked” on his foots. Anyway, enough jokes: looking forward to him returning to full fitness and scoring for us on a regular basis, like the good old day. Comfortable United win. 0-0.

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