(@Benglorious)

Remember the good times when we won games? Me neither.

Prediction: Revenge taken on West Ham’s bus when we lock all the doors and throw it in the canal. Somehow we still lose. 0 – 0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I fell asleep on the sofa and forgot about doing words sorry guys and I’m still there and the computer is not and moving doesn’t really seem to be an option rn.

Prediction: No words.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Suck on your disappointment fuckos!! The Bif Boys are heading out on the town to celebrate Paul’s *insert age later when confirmed by Paul’s mum, somewhere near your age. What? 21? Again?! Oh, you! Hard to tell with Paul what with that face* birthday!

We’ll be so far gone by 5:30pm that we won’t even know what West Ham is*

*check what West Ham is.

Prediction: Maybe I’ll turn my phone on and off as the screen must have frozen as I have not heard anything from P, or T, or Benno. Oh. Wait! Oh, just mum. Fuck off mum. Oh. Wait! Oh, just my alarm reminding me it’s Paul’s birthday. Oh. Wait! Oh, just Tom sending me pictures of his birthday last week with everyone there apart from me. 0 – 0 United.

(@Benglorious)

This has been the worst summer ever. Not only did I get invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ, but also the only thing on telly for the whole 3 months was Danny Dyer’s daughter getting pumped. *phone rings* …….. …….. What the fuck is a world cup?

The WhatsApp joke that Brett mentioned once you read it in the future was actually stolen from a Twitter DM group, which in turn had half-inched it from a Facebook chat, which in turn had purloined it from MySpace circa 2004.

Prediction: Benno to win the bet that he couldn’t use the words ‘purloined’ and ‘circa’ in the same sentence. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Whilst popular social media platform Twitter dot com is in full meltdown over the coming season, I think I speak for all of us or just myself or maybe somebody else ie a janitor here at Bifurcated Towers when i suggest there’s plenty to be optimistic about. Using a system of numbers I’ve decided to call ‘Maths’, I can prove without question or doubt or questionable doubt that we will again finish second and the gap will be closer. How close? This is where the numbers (Maths) come in:

last season we were 19pts adrift (probably. it may’ve been more or less) and we had 5 targets this summer.  Logically, that means each signing was worth an intended 3.8pts. Having signed just the two players, this means we’ll be 7.6pts better off at the end of the season. But wait, I hear Paul cry, City signed Mahrez, your whole goddam system (Paul is much more brutal irl) is drastically flawed. Shut up Paul, you are so stupid. Thats where the masterstroke of signing a keeper comes in – he completely cancels out Mahrez (Mahrez makes or scores goals, Grant saves them) If you also take into consideration I went to school with a lad called Grant Lee, the man responsible for my lifetime Vietnam obsession, it only strengthens my case. Throw in Chievas Regal (who legit sounds like he could’ve been an awesome player if he wasn’t a whiskey), thats an additional 3.8pts meaning we’ll definitely finish second by the much closer margin of 19 – 11.4 ie 12 = 7pts. Which brings me onto my 9th point, which I forget. God, I’ve missed this.

Prediction: United to win the game 2-1 but lose the hearts and minds (too soon) of more supporters, the real heroes lol fucking idiots. Also, don’t check the maths.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

This has been the best summer ever. I was not invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ.

I used my saved up summer joke in our WhatsApp convo before this, so, I’m going to repeat it here, so, it’s not wasted on those us. So, we were talking about the new season and Benno said “can’t believe they are renewing it [sic] tbqfhwy”, and I said “ReOLDing it more like”. Cos it’s the same OLD thing. I actually said “reOLDing is more like”, but that was a typo and they got that, cos they know me like.

Also, I just used [sic] which is a sign of the more up-market things to come from Bifurcated this season.*

*This week. We will anti-love football again after August 10th 2002.

Prediction: Tom to WhatsApp me and Benno to tell us that he got the name of that lad from school wrong  before I write this in the future. Friday is not a football day. All goals and points don’t count in the final count up of goals and points. Red cards carried over and count double double double double double if Fellaini. 0-0 United Team.

 (@Benglorious)

Christmas was good because Brett didn’t try and force any of his lyrics on me. In unrelated news, I’m out of lyrics.

Prediction: Middlesbra used to have Ravanelli playing up front. Rava-fucking-nelli. Ask your dad. Or Paul, whichever is oldest. Paul. Happy New Year or whatever. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Not writing words because I legit hate you two and our audience (Paul).

Also Middlesborough are for tools.

Prediction: Who/when are we playing?

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

It’s the end of another great year for the great friends team at Bifurcated Towers! Not nearly nominated for an FBA. And only blocked by 37 users of popular social media platform Twitter. I was only dead for 312 days. Tom thought about writing a blog post with words. And I don’t think I’m forgetting anyone else. Oh yeah, how could I forget Paul?! That’s definitely it now.

Here’s to another 1000 posts and some more great lols in 2017!! Or, what the critics are calling 20BIFteen. That a joke worked better in 2015 and also slightly better in 2016 tbf.

Prediction: 0-0 United. 

  (@Benglorious)

Those two clowns have let that FBA almost-pre-nomination go to their heads recently. So much so that they’re making it look like they told me to write their previews whilst they live the high life, dining on the poshest of foods such as mushrooms and Bisto.

Anyway, Firenord are a Dutch team, named after the greatest action hero in the greatest film of all time – Predator (1987). I mean, he wasn’t called ‘Firenord’, that would be ridiculous, he was called ‘Dutch’ which I realise now isn’t the name of our opposition but I got so excited when I saw the word ‘Dutch’ that I forgot stuff. Predator rules.

Prediction: Arnie plus five to get dropped in a meat grinder because of a cooked-up story. Get to the chopper. 2-1, United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Legit forgot it was Thursday. So no (I can’t write on days beginning with T. Because of the name conflict i.e. Tom).

The Lobster 2015

WTAF. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Clown shoes, above, to stitch me up by not deleting Brett’s bit that I absolutely wrote, below. Choking up again tbf. Heaven is one maverick heavier today #RIPIwannaruntoyouleg. 0-0 United, out of respect.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Hey Benno, can you do the Brett bit this week. I really, really miss him and choked up a bit when I started to write tbqfhwy. It put me right off my Sugar Puffs this morning. I still can’t believe what we did to one of the greatest human beings that ever lived in living memory irl. I know I said he wasn’t flammable, so, in some ways this is almost as much my fault as it is actually yours. Remember to delete this note, cos I don’t want to have to go through the same rigmarole like when us made a remarkably similar mistake with Paul tbf.

Prediction: Feyenoooooooooooooooooo more Europa League please, more like. Keep that one for Brett, as his prediction, cos he was good at these kind of maverick a jokes imho. 0-0 United

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s finally the last game of the season. I for one couldn’t be happier that United haven’t got even one more game after today’s clash with Bournemouth, as I’m completely spent after writing in-depth previews for the three hundred or so other matches we’ve played this season. I’m really looking forward to the European Championships, purely because we’re not allowed to write about national teams after that incident in the UEFA headquarters with all the fire and farm animals.

Opposition Summary: Bournemouth are famous for being in a town where old people go to die. They play in black and red shirts like AC Milan but they don’t even speak Italian. Our lawyers will be looking into whether we can make any money off this incident of fraud as soon as they’ve finished their GCSE’s.

Prediction: With the title within reach for United and relegation looming for the Cherries, this is a must-win for both teams. However, the FA have ridiculously ruled that only one team can be declared a winner in any one match so I guess this one will have to be settled in court. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Birthplace of Jason Bourne, deathplace of everyone, Bournemouth are rubbish and should therefore easily turn us over. After which Louis will claim we are still in the race for the title. Apparently we can still get CL and 4th but it involves maths and what the fuck has maths ever done for anybody?

Starting to warm to Vangle to be honest, really admire his inability to accept any responsibility for his team selections, tactics or even players he’s bought. Should probably go into Politics.

I’m glad we torched the place with animals on fire.

Captain America: Civil War (2016) SPOILERS ABOUND

So like its after AoU and the Avengers are invading Africa to catch Crossbones but he explodes himself and you’re like ‘wh-whut??’ and then Captain Americas wants to find Bucky who is like proper badass but then like he bombs the UN and kills the old king of Wakanda and this makes T’Challa proper mad yo. Tony wants to become establishment like the worst kind of capitalist pig-dog and the team is all like ‘ok’ and ‘no’ and then they escape and Captain Americas finds Bucky and then they find them and then they’re all like PEW PEW THWOK! POW! etc and then they find new information and Bucky is still badass but not a bomber but also prone to being Winter Soldiered by Zemo (lol, his first name is Helmut) Everyone fights for remainder of movie  and Black Panther and Spiderman are really great guys. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: City lose to Swansea and at 1-0 with 5mins to go we concede 4 to completely ruin everything. Although this would suggest some kind of consistency so lets say 3-0 to us, Martial and Ashford to be rested in preparation for the 2018 season. Wayne to spontaneously combust at final whistle but in one last heroic act, he takes LVG with him. 

m

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

In our defence those animals were highly flammable with their very un-PC fur coats.

Pretty sure us did a Jason Bourne joke last time, so I can’t do that innit. We’re funny. And since when has having done a a joke stopped us doing a a joke before? I don’t know. This is Paul.

With the season finale upon us: the Chan Chan Man up top cracks another wisecracking cracker of a wisecrack. Joey – in the middle – pulls out another pube to pretend he has emotions. And, meanwhile, Ross, here at the bottom – the one you’ve all been rooting for all along – stumbles upon his Rachel*

*Only Polish and under 5ft tall, and having not had sex with Brad Pitt, or spent the last six-and-a-half years trying to lose the Rachel from Friends tag, by playing roles that make her look like Rachel from Friends, doing Rachel from Friends, just without the Friends bit.

Prediction: Brett to mess it all up and end up in a meaningless sexual relationship with a monkey. Spending the rest of his life trying to lose his Brett from Bifurcated tag, by writing blogs that make him look like Brett from Bifurcated doing Brett from Bifurcated, just without the Bifurcated bit. 0-0 United.