*abso maverick glolorific intro to rapturous applause* *from Paul*

Here’s some questions we asked each other to pad this excuse for Tom to share his considered thoughts on the 2018/19 season:

1. What shape is a/the wheel?

Benno: It doesn’t matter what shape the wheel is, it matters who’s at said wheel and whether they can steer it in a safe and competent manner. But it should be round. I like the ones on old pirate ships that have real ale pumps stuck on the outside. Wish I was a pirate.

Tom: Circular. Although maybe its like one of those weird cut-away ones that people have in those cars with all the bodykits too close to call imho.

Brett: When Mr Wheel invented said wheel in 0000 (lol, like a line of wheels) his intention was to create a shape to facilitate forward motion. Pretty sure what Ole is at, is not aforementioned wheel.

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2.

Benno: Be, or not to be, that is the question. Except in this case. The question is ‘2’ for some reason. More of a number than a thinker.

Tom: Number that comes after 1 but precedes 3. Can be used for maths

Brett: Best question we’ve asked tbh

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3. Luke Shaw POTY?

Benno: Out of all the fuck-awful performances this season, his was apparently the least fuck-awful. Well deserved.

Tom: Just fuck off

Brett: Paunch? Then, yes.

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4. You are invited by Ole to be his chief cullerer, who do you culler in, and who do you culler out?

Benno: I would get rid of the other 19 teams. That’s why I’m the brain one guywithasweetfadetappinghistemple.gif

Tom: Pogba, Martial, Matic, Sanchez, Lukaku, Lingard, Jones, Smalling, Young. Replace them with irl humans who know what their job is.

Brett: As above and the other names not listed above. But, first, how much is Ole paying us for this? Typical, that it’s assumed that we would just accept the invite.

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5. Favourite Avenger and why?

Benno: Natalia Alianovna Romanova A.K.A. Natasha Romanoff A.K.A. Black Widow A.K.A. Natalie Rushman A.K.A. Laura Matthers A.K.A. Mary Farrell A.K.A. Oktober A.K.A. Yelena Belova. She is the best one because she can kill baddies with just sticks and also I like her bum.

Tom: Captain America or Thor. So hot right now.

Brett: Spoilered it for me. Again.

dddda

ddd

6. You have 3 bullets and Ed and all the Glazers in a room, what do you do?

Benno: I would engage them in cheery conversation about the benefits of employing a competent director of football before John Wicking them all, Matrix-style.

Tom: Use my words. To kill them all (without a gun the bullets are relatively harmless).

Brett: Suffocate i.e they are fat.

pppp

pppp 

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7. Player of the Season?

Benno: Raheem Sterling. 17 league goals with 10 assists and a hatty in the cup final. Plus, he has been an absolute credit to himself, his family and his club with his decorum and eloquence off the pitch. Top lad.

Tom: Brett is factually accurate – or ‘facturate’ if you will lol coined/minted – but in fact it was actually all of us for not committing violent crimes against this squad.

Brett: Luke Shaw. It said it above. Idiot.

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8. Game of the season?

Benno: Red Dead Redemption 2.

Tom: PSG away, hands down. Was just like old times and i liked those aforementioned times.

Brett: Has to be that truly unforgettable night in … no, forgotten where I was going with this.

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9. Manager of the season?

Benno: Twitter.

Tom: Pochettino or I guess that weird toothy fuck with the glasses. To be fair, he air punches with the very best of them (see: Kenneth Parcell, any boxer in a film about boxing)

Brett: Ole, or Mourinho. See also worst.

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10. Was this the worst season ever?

Benno: No, winter 1962/3 was worse.

Tom: Yes. Yes it was.

Brett: I have started a petition to hav

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Highlights Reel from Bifurcated MBM…

The end.

(@Benglorious)

Prediction: Below is an idiot. They know what he looks like. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

No words today due to the Academy’s shameful lack of recognition for Thor. For shame.

Prediction: Repost to above: He’s had a haircut. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m not doing words cos it’s us playing against a team even worse at football than us.

Prediction: 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Having not watched the Spurs game due to being roped in to building some decking with the worst hangover of my adult life, I don’t feel I am in a position to comment on United’s form going into this Champions League match.

Prediction: We will fucking crush Benfica and make their six year-old goalkeeper cry. Lukaku to get cocky despite Han’s friendly warning. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

“Football. Bloody Hell!” Now whilst Sir Alex was talking about…well let’s say some football, the words themselves could very easily be describing the new Assassin’s Creed game, if you don’t really pay attention to the words. It is set in Ancient Egypt and you play this guy who is proper mad at these other guys and you have an eagle and a camel but you can also have a horse and they help you get these bad guys aka the liberal media hahaha no not really they are also old Egyptians. S0 far, I would give it 4 out of 5 eagles.

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

According to Vietnamese-dwelling Rob Brown it is a mess of 5 different films. As with 95% of Rob’s output, this is bearded nonsense; it is actually good. Worth it for the Rock, Paper, Scissors gag imho. And Jeff Goldblum is in it.

Prediction: Mourinho to actually leap into crowd and stab 16 United fans. 2-0 United based on no idea who we are playing. Hope this helps.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Dennis Viollet: A United Man (2016)

No sign of Fred the Red or Duncan from Blue. That aside, pretty good Nando’s.

Prediction: Mourinho will never be able to stab that many United fans during the match, cos they all live in London, and even travelling on the M6 toll road would only cut journey time by appr etc. 0-0 United