Footballiversity Issue #2 – Footballiverse 29

Start of the season – December

Footballiverse 29 is a ‘verse not too dissimilar from your favourite football championship managerial simulation games. The Premier League for the 2014/15 season is exactly the same, apart from Liverpool, who are inexplicably replaced by York City. Hey, don’t look at me.

Before the season starts, Mauricio Pochettino is replaced by a ‘Pierce Moran’, who releases all of their players and buys Fernando Torres for £90m before going on holiday, laughing to himself, for 9 months after the first match of the season. Across North London, Arsene Wenger announces his retirement and Roberto Martinez is appointed – Arsenal are unbeaten in their first 18 games, where our issue ends.

Louis van Gaal’s attempts to buy Angel Di Maria are blocked by the board, who do not wish to increase his transfer funds (or funds for wages) which also means that they are unable to buy Falcao [players of Falcao’s level never move on loan in this Footballiverse – Ed.]. Southampton’s signings all turn out to be flops, and Ronald Koeman is sacked in late September to be replaced by Andre Villas Boas. Under AVB, the Saints creep out of the relegation zone and into mid-table, helped by random shut-down and re-boots of the Footballiverse which just so happen to happen whenever they find themselves losing in the 89th minute of a match.

Ulloa scores 18 goals in the first 10 league games, propelling Leicester City into a solid 8^th and a transfer is agreed in early December for him to move to Manchester City. However, right at the end of the issue he suffers a serious injury, and the transfer is cancelled. Elsewhere in the promoted clubs club, Burnley are rock bottom with 10 points (joined in the relegation zone by Sunderland and Swansea), and QPR are yo-yoing between 9^th and 14^th.

In the title race, Chelsea are beset by injuries, thinning their squad and leading to Mourinho’s transfer policy being questioned. In a now infamous interview, he refuses to comment to every question asked of him before storming out of the press conference. Manchester United are in first place at the turn of the year, with the help of Danny Welbeck, but the press are beginning to ask questions about Wayne Rooney, who has been ignored from selection and whose morale is said to be ‘Abysmal’. However, they did lose in the Manchester Derby thanks to a last minute breakaway goal scored by James Milner, who collected the ball from an errant throw-in by Rafael.

York City hover above the relegation zone and end the issue in 16^th, but will they manage to hold onto the players who have kept them there in the January transfer window? Only time will tell.

(Bonus mini-story at the end of the issue)

Liverpool wake up one July morning to find themselves in League 2. Several of their players leave, but some of the good ones stay, along with Glen Johnson and Steven Gerrard. Despite Brendan Rodgers’ best efforts and tactical nous, they are humiliated by Wycombe, Northampton, and Accrington ‘Who are they?’ Stanley in their first three games. They end December in 15th, hoping that they’ll be able to nab Matt Tubbs from Portsmouth come January.

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“‘Issue’ #3: January”, coming 25/2/15; “‘Issue 4 etc': Appropriate Month”, on the first Wednesday after the end of the said appropriate month

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Josh (@TweetsofARed):

Roll up! Roll up! It’s the unofficial Manchester United vs. Chelsea match preview!

I don’t know about you, but United vs. Chelsea is one of my favourite fixtures; and with Manchester City losing to Cardiff yesterday, a United win could give Moyes and his band of merry boys an advantage over their two closest rivals.

On paper, Chelsea win every time. But football isn’t played on paper, it’s played on a mix of artificial fibres intertwined with natural grass. Chelsea are favourites to win the league, and it’s obvious why. A team boasting the likes of Mata, Oscar, Hazard, Lukaku and *ahem* Torres *giggles* is always going to be considered favourites. However, United have proven that they can beat any team, regardless of their players. (City, I’m looking at you.)

I fully expect Manchester United to start the human wrecking ball, AKA Phil Jones in defence. Jones has proven that he is one of the best man markers in the Premier League, so I expect to see him closely tailing one of Mata/Hazard/Oscar depending on who ‘The Happy One’ starts. Similarly, I think Valencia is a shoe in for this game. Most times Valencia plays against Cole he makes him look sillier than Rafa Benitez wearing dungarees, riding a unicycle. With Hernandez still seemingly unfit, Robin van Persie looks set to start up front, which is good news as he scores when he wants. Fans will be praying for Kagawa through the middle, with Welbeck possibly playing on the wing.

Wayne Rooney: I expect all pre and post game talk to be centred around Wayne Rooney so I’ll keep it short and sweet, like myself. I would be surprised if Rooney didn’t play, however I don’t think he’ll play a full game. An appearance from the bench, Chicha style, looks most likely. Carrick and Evra are sure starters. The only positions that I’m not sure on are RB, CM (probably Cleverley) or CB (hopefully that lad who comes from Serbia).

One thing is for sure, it’ll definitely be an exciting, heated game. OPTA STAT: There hasn’t been a 0-0 draw at Old Trafford since 1066, so I’m predicting goals galore, with either team winning 2-1. With the attacking prowess of Chelsea, and the RvPness of United, it should be a goal filled game.

Prediction: Whether Chelsea win or lose, Mourinho will make some backhanded comment aimed at Rooney and/or Moyes. RvP will score, obviously. Rooney will score the winner and take off his shirt to reveal ‘cham21ons’ shaved into his chest hair.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

For this, the first of the new season’s big games, it seems quite likely we’ll witness a match of caution and patience rather than dramatic spectacle. That said, there are a few things we can be sure of.

I expect both teams to field the more traditional eleven players and that these players will be distinguishable by different uniforms (or “kits”). Almost guaranteed that both teams will play in some kind of formation, the purpose of which will be to allow “tactics”, although it seems highly likely that the team scoring the most goals will win. Chances of Godzilla attacks remain at a minimum but in a game with such global appeal, an impromptu appearance by the nuclear lizard can’t be totally ruled out.

Prediction: United to win 2-1 after Torres missed from 6yrds – again – and Rooney’s deliberate OG is ruled out for being ‘in bad taste’.

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Brett:

I can’t decide whether I really want to talk about Michael Carrick, in relation to this game, or if I’m just crowbarring in his name so that I can show off that photo at the top of the post, that I took last week. Let’s see…

The opening da(nn)y of the season, for us, was good for David Moyes and pretty good for the rest of us. We were slightly narrower than perhaps we’re used to, but until we’re a few games in (and until we’ve stuck a fork in all the transfer lols) and patterns and shapes and that have emerged, then guessing patterns and shapes and that is, I think, a futile exercise – though I can only speak for myself.

Off the back of his Google + appearance, Danny will be feeling great and so fully expect him to score a minimum of two amazing goals. Interesting to see what the ‘first choice’ centre-back pairing will be and who Moyes trusts in the middle of midfield.

Chelsea are good.

I was going to say something about proximal abandonment and Rooney.

Prediction: United to win 4-3. Danny with his customary two, Evra and Rooney – just because. Someone’ll score for them. I don’t know any Chelsea players. Wait … Mata!! Yep, Mata. Mata will score a hat-trick! All three! We should sign him up.

p.s I didn’t mention Carrick (that doesn’t count), so it WAS all about showing off that photo.

It was almost incomprehensible that this game would pass by without a sharp intake of breath at a controversial decision or two – little did we know we’d be left gasping for air.

The game has been overshadowed entirely by the refereeing decisions and alleged comments by Mark Clattenburg, but I’d just like to acknowledge what was a thoroughly pulsating and enjoyable game to watch (of course much of which was brought about by some of the decisions later in the game, but nonetheless it was a joy).

I’m not one to speculate: the other officials, who were in radio contact with Clattenburg will surely know the truth, so hopefully we will too, shortly. As for the refereeing calls made on the day: Chicha was offside, but there’s no way on this earth you could call that in the split second it happened; Torres was caught – I think, just – however there’s no way you can say he wasn’t guilty of “simulation”, as from lying prostrate on the ground in excruciating pain, within seconds, he was walking from the pitch. Ashley Young is very good at winning free-kicks and getting players sent off and he more than played his part in the Ivanovic sending off, but it was definitely a red card.

Oh, look, I appear to have sided with all the decisions that were in United’s favour – what a surprise.

To the game…

Our defence is still in need of a big band-aid, but as I said before the game, this was an opportunity to establish where we really were in comparison to other teams, and if our defence is in trouble, then Chelsea’s might need to be turned into glue. We’re not that bad after all, so there! Couldn’t decide whether De Gea’s saves with his feet were inspirational or terrifying; I’ll go with inspirifying.

Not sure how to really assess how our midfield compared, at times we were outnumbered, but I didn’t feel quite as panicked as I have been. T-ClevZ is nothing if not busy and Carrick is Carrick, so I was fairly happy-ish. Although, it’s easy to say that, when you’re two goals to the good so early on.

I  loved Van Persie’s shots with his “swinger” for his goal and a half. Always nice to see that even professional footballers sometimes have to kick the ball with all the natural instinct of an obsolete robot when using their weaker foot. Our strikers are all looking ace.

I’m happy – so that’ll do.

MOTM: TV – just because.

“A smiling face always looks more beautiful”