220.1 miles according to Google, if you travel via the M5 and M6. 269.1 miles via the A303. The train-line, though more direct, takes a little longer as has to take into account stations along the way. Which is something that travelling by car never does. Are we supposed to piss our pants just so we can adhere to the strict timings dictated to us by a popular search engineers website?! This reporter says yes.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Martin Keown really doesn’t like Alexis Sanchez.

2. Martin known is a monkey who has been strategically shaved and dressed up.

3. Darmian’s facial hair is upsetting.

4. I like how Sanchez is good because he tries things and gives the ball away.

5. I like how Mkhitaryan is bad because he tries things and gives the ball away.

6. I like how Martin Keown is bad because he’s a cunty bell flap.

Pogba and Martial were the conductors collecting tickets, as the passengers from the North East were left without a seat in the first class carriage, cos Martial and Pogba had reserved them for themselves, and they weren’t moving for anyone, even small children and pensioners cos their goals were purchased online weeks in advance. Choo-Choo – one more like, cos of the trains. Full steam ahead!!

Here’s 5 things we learned at the festive football buffet cart:

1. Martial = actually good.

2. Pogba = actually good.

3. Fellaini = actually not *that* bad unless you compare him everyone else who is actually good.

4. Suck it Lee Mason, you bastard chimera of foreskin and Phil Mitchell.

5. See 1-4 above.

6. 1 to 4 or 1 minus 4? Both = actually good. Just not sure our audience would appreciate the intricacies/intelligenceness of the arguments raised/consideredness by -3. Or any of our – points. Hence, I only ever publish the 5 plus points.

7. Bob Mortified more like.