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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Dave signs a new contract after flirting with another team and the world goes nuts, yet Rooney scores fifty goals against San Marino and he’s a fraud. A fake footballer’s shirt is exhibited in a museum to show the dangers of becoming a parody of yourself and one person cares, yet a real footballer is used as a mule to carry cocaine diamonds from Colombia to London via Monaco and Manchester and the story isn’t even mentioned by the thirty journalists I told it to, even though it would perfectly explain why his legs don’t work properly anymore. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary:  Liverpool used to be the best, then they were nearly good. They also had a spell of being nearly bad, before a spirited re-emergence as one of the most nearly good teams in the Premiership League. Currently, they are fucking clown shoes.

Prediction:  Dave and Roonsquad to keep hogging the headlines by somehow locking each other in the toilets. Because of this, Marcy Arl will have to make his day bew both up front and in goal simultaneously. Even with the dynamic cutting edge of Balotelli fed by the genius of Gerrard, Liverpool will not be able to beat the universe’s most expensive teenager, who will then justify his fee by scoring all the goals ever. 0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

United v Liverpool still remains the yardstick by which all football is judged; last year (March 2015), over 16000 million people watched the game, in over 3000 countries – Barca v R Madrid (hereafter known as ‘El Scum’) could only manage 17. And they were all in Spain. Why is it called a ‘train’ of thought?

Have decided to review some films instead:

The Game (Michael Douglas, Sean Penn)

Not a traditional game so the title was misleading, little disappointed in the lie. That aside, pretty good.

Day Watch/Night Watch (Konstantin Khabensky)

Really, really weird. Like when Homer remembers watching Twin Peaks but nothing like that. Literally no idea. That aside, pretty good.

Pineapple Express (Seth Rogen, James Franco)

Danny McBride teaches you how to be more aerodynamic when you fight (spoiler: its shaving your armpits) and also kills someone with a Daewoo Lanos. Has Seth Rogen in it. That aside, pretty good.

The Piano (Holly Hunter, Anna Paquin, Harvey Keitel)

Despite the well-deserved acclaim for Schlinder’s List, if it had been any other year, we’d almost certainly be talking about Jane Campion’s film as Best Picture winner in ’94. Campion’s story – Ada (Hunter), a 19th Century Scottish woman who communicates solely through her piano, travels to New Zealand for an arranged marriage, only to fall under the spell of an illiterate, tattooed neighbour (Keitel) – has the quiet eroticism, passion and authenticity of a Victorian novel. Around this tragic story, Campion creates an almost otherworldly and surreal version of the past aided notably by Stuart Dryburgh’s cinematography and the very nature of her surroundings. That aside, pretty good.

Masterstroke signing Dave from ourselves to keep the net spend down. Probably. I’m not sure how it works

Prediction: I’m not sure who Liverpool are, despite what I said earlier. Nevertheless, we’re not very good and don’t seem able to score the required goals needed to win games. I think this works against us. 8-0 United, Gerrard for Nasri, Martial to score 12.

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  Brett (@tchooo)

I was sad to hear of the terrible passing of Stevie G last season. BOOM. One sentence. One great joke. Striker. Eat. It. These smaller sentences aren’t helping my stats. Idiot. Drat.

Liverpool F.C have a long tradition in being Liverpool F.C and a long history in the same thing. In this context history and tradition probably mean the same thing, so they’re just acting the big I am by having both. But they do have a long history and tradition in that too.

Vangle’s boys forgot to put the teaspoon back in the top of the dressing room when they put it back in the fridge and Michael ‘ Michael Carrick ‘ Carrick and Roonswipe made their feelings clear by driving around in their cars looking like they were doing complicated algebras in their heads. I’m sure Vangle really gives one.

Prediction: Danny with his cous cous salad on a bed of rocket. Mata to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack, just so he could recreate it and submit it to @Manutd’s online competition to recreate the goal from last time when he did a sidey swickaty whack. Or not. Up to him. Someone has to beat that little kid who submitted that one that was on the web the other day, where he’s kicked it from the wrong side of the goalbag. Idiot. A comfortable 0-0. 

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.

Benno (@Benglorious):

The Confederacy vs. The Union.  The Roundheads vs. The Cavaliers.  The Republicans vs. The Nationalists (That was in Spain according to Wikipedia).  Erm…. “Civil War” by Guns ‘n’ Roses.  These are all examples of wars between people living in the same place, or “Civil Wars”.  Now, I looked up “civil” in a wordbook, and it means “polite”.  I think you’ll both agree that there’s nothing civil about war.  I’m sure whichever historian came up with that phrase in relation to this particular type of war is reading this and saying; “Well, I’ve had a good run.  I could have gotten away with this forever if it wasn’t for that meddling Bifurcated lot and their vast readership.  Marjorie?  Be a dear and fetch the shotgun, please……  Yes, I’ve been rumbled.”

The End.

Just came back and read this.  I’m pleased with the genius of it but feel it lacks context.  Not gonna lie, my hangover is making it difficult to think of anything.  As Donald Glover’s character says in the Lethal Gun films, “I’m not as young as I once was.  Now stay away from my daughter and get your bloody mullet cut, Rigsby.”  Anyway: civil war, civil war, civil war, civi…  GOT IT!  It’s Manchester City against Manchester United and they’re playing in Derby or something.

City are good and United used to be good.  One plays in blue kits and the other plays in red.  All I know for definite is that they both come from Manchester and that football is a kind of war, but without the killings which is where the “civil” bit comes in.  Sweet Zombie Jesus, I’m good.

That’s enough filler, here’s the City players to watch out for:  David Seaman, because he’s England’s number one; Daniel Sturridge, because he dances with sandwiches, and; Ched Evans, who has been all over the news recently so he must be good.

Prediction:  I’ve forgotten where I was with the sizing of players in this bit, so I’ll just refer to them by their proper names unless I think of something better.  Bald Wayne has returned from his well-earned rest, and he’ll slip easily back into the captain’s armband once he realises it goes over his arm.  He’ll be playing up front with Silver Bobby, and they’ll combine to take us into a nervy one-goal lead at halftime.  Bony Angel will come out after the break all guns blazing (figuratively, that is; the civil war stuff was just an analogy) and he’ll score another sublime goal to send half of Manchester into a frenzy.  Fan favourite, Angry Rafael, will stay on the pitch long enough to score his first goal of the season after some lovely work from Cheekbones and Janey’s Shy through the middle of the pitch.  City will pull a late consolation goal back through Two-Haircuts Aguero, but it will be too (haircuts) late to stop the (actual) city turning red.  1-0 City.

Seeing as Rooney is back this week, everybody’s favourite United captain of all time is the next subject of my hours and hours of hard work.  Wayne lists his interests as:  Tangfastics, Red Pandas and Mozambique.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I’ve never even heard of Man City. And to be honest, it sounds like the sort of phallocentric urban conurbation that we’ve been trying so hard to deconstruct. I haven’t been drinking.

Prediction: 8-8. United score goal of the world but its disallowed for some grab-assing in the box. I wish Optimus Prime was real.

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Brett:

I think I must have been watching a different game to everyone else last week. I didn’t see Adnan showing any signs of a promising return to form. But if anyone has got the number of his eyebrowologister, then send it my way; those things are incredible. I didn’t see Rojo looking like he can develop into anything but a high-kicking (cos he puts his foot in where others would put their head) lead in one of those things that they do on those woody rectangular things with the curtains they’ve borrowed from Twin Peaks (zeitgeist reference), with some posh blokes in tight suits, down at the front in suits, playing lots of different instruments they’ve obviously found in a charity shop, none of which seem the right size. I want to say ‘stage performance’, but I’m not completely stupid. I know that’s the measure of how well a herb does in a casserole (while we’re on the subject of Rawkus Mojo: why does he insist on kicking the ball as if his foot is a backwards foot on sideways and the ball is a sideways ball going backwards in a forwards motion? Answers in the comments please). If Vidic was still here and was getting picked behind him, it would put his nose right out of joint. I saw nothing of a return of ‘Fergie Time’. And I certainly am not buying into all this nonsense about the tree putting in a strong performance. Though it is Autumn, so that would add up. I didn’t see any evidence of any of this. No wait. I was watching Strictly, I’d set it to record as a series and recorded over the match entirely.

David Silva has gone platypus (or whatever that extinct bird is; whichever fits the upcoming punchline, or the other one to make the punchline work. Actually, who cares…). As in not around, but also like platinum. So, there’s only the other one thousand and something other really good, probably illegally registered, players to wrestle with. Apparently, Yaya Toure has a groin strain. Let’s hope it keeps on groin.

For the benefit of a very poor joke I’ve been saving up for a long time: apparently Luke Shaw has been watching videos of his opposite number to improve his defensive movement and awareness … Kolarov. Kolaron. Kolarov. Kolaron. Kolarov. Kolaron. Kolarov. Kolaron. Like in the film where that kid gets trained by Mr Majeika.

So, it’s come to this: a game against our bitterest rivals, where our only hopes appear to be resting with an Ed Sheeran fan and a tree.

Prediction: Him off of Coronation Farmders with those snake hips of his, to score a perfect 10 with at least two of the judges, probably Len and Bruno. Then that there judge on the end there to say something down right mean that makes the crowd boo and totally justified in that booing action they will be. Judy Murray to keep pretending she’s made of mdf, so that she can go on “a journey”. And Tess Daley to continue stealing Claudia Winkleman’s career right from under her nose.