AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDDD NOW YOU’RE GONNA etc

Look, it’s the first 5 things learned of the season:

1. I liked how that kid scored a massive deflection and now he’s the new Ryan Giggs

2. How come Gary Neville doesn’t know how to use punctuation?

3. I watched it when I got home and it was not the same as twitter described it those guys need to be better at describing and also happier imho

4. Bit sad for Jones and Smalling those guys deserve better haha of course they don’t

5.  Can anyone ever really own a horse?

6. Did Ashley Young play? Does anyone care?

7. No

8. This is, Gary Neville

(@Benglorious)

Sussed.

Prediction: That to make sense when you read Tom’s.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t be arsed already bored of talking about it with cunts on twitter.

Benno do you remember at primary school how Jody brown would always be like ‘ha, sussed’ I’m sure all of Twitter are his children.

Also Abso glols at Ed trying to suggest Pogba was good at Everton. Quoted his tackling stats: 100%. How many tackles you ask? Well just the one Bahahaha cunt.

Prediction: Glol what a shitshow of a season.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I am not watching this game as a personal protest against the Twitter scum who talk like a clownshoes wearing clowns. And not because my gf has insisted I go to her friend’s birthday because I have the night off and “can’t just spend all my time off talking on Twitter like a clownshoes wearing clown”.

Prediction: Numerous toilet breaks between every mouthful of food so I can talk like a clownshoes wearing clown on Twitter. 0 – 0 United

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Using a chainsaw to remove tree stumps is not as fun as you think.

2. I lost my 18 day daily objective streak on GTAV because Rockstar cunts.

3. I learnt nothing.

4. You learnt that you learnt nothing.

5. Bite. Me.

(@Benglorious)

This has been the worst summer ever. Not only did I get invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ, but also the only thing on telly for the whole 3 months was Danny Dyer’s daughter getting pumped. *phone rings* …….. …….. What the fuck is a world cup?

The WhatsApp joke that Brett mentioned once you read it in the future was actually stolen from a Twitter DM group, which in turn had half-inched it from a Facebook chat, which in turn had purloined it from MySpace circa 2004.

Prediction: Benno to win the bet that he couldn’t use the words ‘purloined’ and ‘circa’ in the same sentence. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Whilst popular social media platform Twitter dot com is in full meltdown over the coming season, I think I speak for all of us or just myself or maybe somebody else ie a janitor here at Bifurcated Towers when i suggest there’s plenty to be optimistic about. Using a system of numbers I’ve decided to call ‘Maths’, I can prove without question or doubt or questionable doubt that we will again finish second and the gap will be closer. How close? This is where the numbers (Maths) come in:

last season we were 19pts adrift (probably. it may’ve been more or less) and we had 5 targets this summer.  Logically, that means each signing was worth an intended 3.8pts. Having signed just the two players, this means we’ll be 7.6pts better off at the end of the season. But wait, I hear Paul cry, City signed Mahrez, your whole goddam system (Paul is much more brutal irl) is drastically flawed. Shut up Paul, you are so stupid. Thats where the masterstroke of signing a keeper comes in – he completely cancels out Mahrez (Mahrez makes or scores goals, Grant saves them) If you also take into consideration I went to school with a lad called Grant Lee, the man responsible for my lifetime Vietnam obsession, it only strengthens my case. Throw in Chievas Regal (who legit sounds like he could’ve been an awesome player if he wasn’t a whiskey), thats an additional 3.8pts meaning we’ll definitely finish second by the much closer margin of 19 – 11.4 ie 12 = 7pts. Which brings me onto my 9th point, which I forget. God, I’ve missed this.

Prediction: United to win the game 2-1 but lose the hearts and minds (too soon) of more supporters, the real heroes lol fucking idiots. Also, don’t check the maths.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

This has been the best summer ever. I was not invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ.

I used my saved up summer joke in our WhatsApp convo before this, so, I’m going to repeat it here, so, it’s not wasted on those us. So, we were talking about the new season and Benno said “can’t believe they are renewing it [sic] tbqfhwy”, and I said “ReOLDing it more like”. Cos it’s the same OLD thing. I actually said “reOLDing is more like”, but that was a typo and they got that, cos they know me like.

Also, I just used [sic] which is a sign of the more up-market things to come from Bifurcated this season.*

*This week. We will anti-love football again after August 10th 2002.

Prediction: Tom to WhatsApp me and Benno to tell us that he got the name of that lad from school wrong  before I write this in the future. Friday is not a football day. All goals and points don’t count in the final count up of goals and points. Red cards carried over and count double double double double double if Fellaini. 0-0 United Team.

(@Benglorious)

I am on holiday so suck your disappointment right on its dick.

Prediction: Me to ruin my holiday for me (I’m obvs on holiday alone cos me) by constantly checking my phone to see what great a jokes Brett is tweeting tonight. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

What words? Are we playing tonight? On a Wednesday?? Make me. Seriously.

Prediction: I should be able to do some words when I get home but I maybe sitting in the sun instead. 0-0 United.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

After Sunday’s clown shoes display against the second worst football team in the EPL, behind us, I will not be watching out of respect for the memory of goals.

If Mourinho is planning to drop some players, I would like to request ‘on their heads … and kick them in their heads repeatedly with some really hard shoes on like clogs while they are on the floor crying and begging for forgiveness’

Prediction: All 11 (eleven) players to play so abso terribly tonight that Jo Mo has no players to select for the FA Cup game against Tottenham “based on form”, so brings Luke Shaw, Anthony Martial, Paul Pogba, and Karel Poborsky out of retirement to play at the weekend, and we get battered. 0-0 United.

Here’s another 5 things we learned from yet another game, in the season that keeps on giving games:

1. If we kicked the ball in the net we would score goals.

2. That is all.

3. Abso gutted @bobbyfaghihi was right about Jose. He’s 3 for 3 so far. It’s bullshit the floppy haired nonce.

4. Why did you @ him? That’s not how this works.

5. So he’d get the notification when Brett puts this on twitter so bobby knows we hate him and his opinions.

6. You know WordPress isn’t Twitter, right?

7. Actually, I withdraw the question.

7. I know any ‘press’ is fascism so back off Captain Nazi.

8. Lol @ ‘withdraw’.

8. jfc, what happened to us, man. We used to be all about the music.

9. For me it was never about the music, For me it was all about the great times.

10. Fuck this shit. I’m out. The Sugababes are always hiring.

11. I hate you both. This is Paul.

 (@Benglorious)

Vine has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. Vine has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. Vine has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. Vine has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this. Vine has passed away. RIP u will live on forever. Cant believe it. I wanna run to u. Really cant believe this.

Prediction: Someone who isn’t me to get lynched by X-Boners. Let’s say Brett. 5-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Unlike these pair of ruddy idiots, I think Wayne’s bench form does mean he deserves another shot at not scoring goals for weeks.. You can tell because senior players – no longer stunned by hands on or off approaches – have said so via Paul Stratford’s made-up comments to the press.

I don’t know where Burnley is. I wanna say near Barnsley but I’m not sure where that is either. Their manager has a very deep voice.

Daredevil (Season 2) 2015

Might’ve reviewed this before but that’s never stopped us with jokes so suck it up. Blind Batman uses his law skills by day (ineffective) and dresses up as a man in red with horns at night (more effective). If you don’t love The Punisher then there is something wrong with you and I’d ask you to have a good look at your life. Elektra is also super foxy, awesome and murderous and they have a blind teacher called Stick who has been fighting Ninjas for like proper time yo. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: I was tricked into all those Xbox things. This is Paul. 3-0 United as we flat track bully our way back into top 7th.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

After signing in to Twitter on Friday at about 1pm and reading that ‘several players’ wanted Roondawg back in the team, as a respected member of the online United blogging community, there was only one thing I could do.

Below is my daily diary:

Friday 28th November – approximately 13:oo hours:

Signed in to Twitter, and read that ‘several players’ wanted Wayne Rooney back in the team.

Friday 28th November – approximately 13:01 hours:

Signed out of Twitter.

Prediction: Kiss-Box lovers to kill one of us to death, that isn’t me. Let’s say Tom. 0-0 United.

Benno (@Benglorious)

To the lads;

Hotel is amazing. Weather is brilliant. Went snorkelling today and saw a big ray thing. What was the score in the Arsenal game? Hope Angel did the business after my amazing preview. Did you know that they play football here in Jamaica but they use a smaller ball and hit it with a bat and call it ‘cricket’? Weird, eh? Miss you guys. Hope we get Liverpool in the cup and stuff them. See you next Tuesday.

Benno x x x x

p.s. I did a picture thing before I left but have no idea if he plays for United or not. Stick it after this and say he likes, I don’t know; chips, Kerplunk and Avatar. Paul won’t know.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Yeah so like Paul was flying this plane and avoiding like all these missiles and Terry was right next to him in a helicopter going all ‘BUKKA BUKKA’ with his missiles and Josh and I were like all ‘PEW PEW’ with our guns in the prison and then we were all like “whoa! lets get out of here guys!” and then like we did and then we had to escape in the plane that Paul had and it kept knocking me over and I was all like “Paul, stop knocking me over!!” and Paul was like all “I’m not knocking you over!!” and we were all like “LOL” and Terry was still like ‘BUKKA BUKKA’ with machine guns and missiles still and then we finally escaped and then we were all like in the apartment and doing all high-fives and that and it was OMG amazing.

Jamaica is for amateurs.

Prediction: other heists can only be harder but boy they sure are fun. I haven’t mentioned the match because I no longer believe in football. Why is “match” in capitals and red?

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Dear Bob,

Hotel is where I work. Weather is outside. Really hope you didn’t drown when you went snorkelling. That would be a big shame for some people. Probably. Danny didn’t mute his celebration so we won 1 moral to zero. Angel did the business that your preview deserved. That version of football sounds cruel. The bat would sense the pain coming in advance too; so that’s mental cruelty aswell. Double cruel. Druel. Miss you being off Twitter, like you were for those couple of days at the very start of your holiday. See you next TueHEY! you mean to say that I’m going to see you again?!

Try more snorkelling.

Brett x0x0x0x

p.s. Hope you spellchecked snorkelling, cos I just copied and pasted from yours.

p.p.s I didn’t spellcheck spellchecked either lol.

Prediction: Four fag breaks. A few complaints about the small bathrooms. One about a cold room on the 5th floor. One about the noise from the room next door. 13 Taxis to the train station. 3 to the airport. 2 to the bus station. One to the shopping centre.  3-2 United.