(@Benglorious)

Southampton are yet another of those teams that played Sunderland one day and stole their kits. Seriously:  why do so many teams have the same kits? I may be colour-blind, but even I know there’s enough colours in a set of Crayolas for every team to have a different colour shirt. Southampton could easily have a Burnt Sienna home shirt and a Jazzberry Jam away one. They could even do a third strip in Wild Blue Yonder if they wanted a little change every now and then. I bet Kappa would be interested in this.

Southampton have a long-standing tradition of playing their games in a city that, by some unbelievable coincidence, is also called Southampton. Their stadium is called something but that’s not important because they’re not playing there today. They’ll be driving the forty or so miles to Manchester to play at Old Trafford, which is actually quite old in dog years even though bits of it are quite shiny and built using very contemporary techniques including pit ponies and stealth bombers.

Players to watch out for today are Victor Wagamama, Pelé and Craiiiiiiiig David.

Prediction:  It’s Hollandman whoisthesouthaptonmanagerman versus Netherlandian Portugman in the battle of the managers today.  Big Ron Medium I’m gonna say Dave(?!) and Flatface Louis Angryboyface man will slug it out to see who can emerge victorious.  Not literally; they’ll actually just be pretty much sitting on their arses for ninety minutes whilst the players do all the hard work but the managers will still take all the credit.  Hardly seems fair, right?  Tough shit.  Thems the breaks and if you don’t like it, go and watch darts or wrestling with the other morons.  *drops mic* 1-0 Southampton.

Big Tony V loves breaking shins but do you know what else he loves?  Rabbits, French cheeses and the collected works of Charles Dickens:

 (@tom_mcghee)

The Titanic sailed from Southampton. And for just 100 instalments of £8.99, you too can have a 1:1 replica of the ill-fated deathtrap. Cast from metal actually recovered from the wreck, it features working lights (that go out after you start taking on water) and lifeboats that can’t be deployed – Order now and get the Iceberg and complimentary band* FREE!

Are we even playing Southampton? Other thoughts: the Ant-Man Ant-Man 2 trailer was disappointing. And why don’t socks get holes in at the same time? Are we to believe, like, that one foot does more work?

*Also available to purchase separately for £49.99 each (RRP £89.99) Alternatively, if you can make frozen water (or “ice”) yourself, just have fun with it.

Prediction: United to win by virtue of goals scored. Gonna go with 4-0 with Falcao Falcao scoring all 5 and Nasri for Rooney at 63 mins.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’ve got no time to write this now cos of those two primarkdonnas hogging the editing suite. The rumour around the bifurcated office is that Bob writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that Ted writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that they also both spend hours in front of the mirror when they’re not doing previews: like when they’re eating toast, or sharpening pencil crayons (I didn’t have the time to think of other narcissistic scenarios).

Ronald Koeman Whoever the Southampton manager is might look a bit like Eric from Guess Who. And Vangle Jose looks a bit like a kebab Scotch Egg. I don’t know, I’m just freestyling this like a maverick genius, or reading some old notes I had on my phone from earlier this week century. Not sure tbh…

Prediction: Ted and Bob to become famous and forget about me ffs. Me, the one who gave them their first leg up ffs. When they were nothing ffs. Literally nothing ffs. A pair of annoying trolls ffs. Ruining Twitter for everyone else ffs. Can you believe they’d do this to me ffs? After all I’ve done for them ffs. This is the way they repay me ffs. ffs. 0-0 United.

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Note to self: adding ffs to the end of multiple short sentences doesn’t really pad out your word count sufficiently enough to make it worth your while. But, gold star for effort. What with the time thing and all. Thanks. Don’t mention it. I won’t. You just did. You. You. Okay, definitely enough padding now.

*Hilarious introduction* 

@EchoingQuack (85 year-old teenage girl) – How much longer are you going to keep the whole kooky “ooh there’s four of us” schtick up? feels a bit tired TBH

TM: Fuck off cunt

BG: Until after either Paul gets the presidency or the rest of us are dead by his hand.

BU: I’m dead. Cos of the a joke where I’m a dead.

The 4th one: This is Paul.

@Jambear82 (11 year-old Taiwanese labrador) – Was there a boy born who can swim faster than a shark?

TM: See my previous response.

BG: Stories are told in my village of such a boy being born, but with a lack of racing sharks in rural Essex his claim to fame was nothing more than that: a claim to fame from which he made millions for the syndicated television rights.

BU: No.

The 4th one: I will see you in court.

@JMcKeownEsquire – (6 month-old Beanie Baby) – Why did they sack LVG, he was dead good in my opinion and how is his sacking the fault of the new lady Ghostbusters movie?

TM: Women cannot bust ghosts, they have neither the cranial brainiactrics nor the strength of arms to carry the proton accelerators. Also, your opinion is worthless.

BG: Vangle got the Spanish Archer because he was on his final written warning and then ruined the season by winning the FA Cup. He was also caught in a compromising situation with Zuul.

BU: You’re a lady Ghostbusters movie.

The 4th one: Oh my goodness.

@JMcKeownEsquire (312 year-old redwood) – Considering our failure to qualify for the Champions League this year do you think I should have Chinese for lunch?

TM: You asked this so long ago I can’t see how it’s now relevant.

BG: Try Thai, it’s like the best bits of Chinese food but from Thailand not China.

BU: Who are you? Johnny Two Questions? Choke on your number 34 with boiled rice.

The 4th one: Have whatever makes you feel happiest. I dine on joy.

@matthewgrima (3 year-old filly, zero wins) – Can you lead a horse to water and make it drink?

TM: Yes, you just tie a bunch of squirrels together.

BG: If you just drink your own wee you never have to move again.

BU: Yes.

The 4th one: Want a sugarlump?

@UtdRantcast  (38 year-old Muppet aficionado, great leader, please don’t kill all of us, just Brett) – What sort of tin of Quality street is Marcus Rashford?

TM: Finally a sensible question – I would say like that tin of Quality Street you find at your Nan’s but it’s filled with gold Kruggerands and all your dreams.

BG: Like a tin filled with old, stolen jokes that scores top bangs against West Ham.

BU: The one you find at your Nan’s that gets lots of RTs and you actually wrote it.

The 4th one: Like the biggest tin you can imagine and it’s overflowing with the green triangles and maybe a couple of the purple ones.

@akaunclesteven (50 year-old unsuccessful pirate. Very unsuccessful) – How many times has Daley Blind cried since LVG left?

TM: Only two-handed questions will be answered.

BG: *a different wanking joke*

BU: Lol @ “different joke”.

The 4th one: Zero – he would drown if he cried because his face is so tiny.

@BeefInTheTaco (22 year old purveyor of fine confectionery) – REWSNA

TM: This is just nonsense.

BG: I don’t do politics.

BU: Starting to feel like people aren’t taking us seriouslyier.

The 4th one: hahahahaha very clever. For you.

Manchester United Season Review (2015/16)

TM: Well it started badly, kinda trailed off in the middle and the less said about the end the better. That aside, pretty good.

BG: Didn’t watch it.

BU: I’m dead.

The 4th one: Better than Moyes’ effort but not as good as some of Fergie’s. And Big Ron can go fuck himself.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

FA Cup Final day is the most important day of the year unless Arsenal are playing. They’re not, so we all dodged a collective bullet this year. Can you actually imagine how big such a bullet, and how big the gun that fired it, would have to be, not even taking into account that everyone in the world would need to organise themselves into some sort of tight group to maximise devastation? We asked the top scientists in the world (Stephen Hawking, Neil Degrasse Tyson and that guy who played keyboards for Tony Blair) to calculate the actual size of said bullet and here are their findings: Quite large, probably bigger than a horse. I’ve forgotten my point.

I watched Deadpool (2016) last night but film reviews are a sign of weak character and feeble legs. That aside, pretty good.

Opposition Summary: London’s Crystal Palace are the only team left in the FA Cup that play in the Premiership League apart from Manchester United. They wear second-hand Barcelona shirts and have adopted their city’s most famous wild animal, the eagle, as their mascot. Alan Pardew, their charismatic manager, found fame before football as the inventor of the melon.

Prediction: What a game we’re in store for today! Goals for Borthwick-Jackson, Fosu-Mensah and Memphis-Depay ensure a comfortable victory for Jose Mourinho’s Red and White Army. 0-0 FT, 0-0 AET, United win 0-0 on penalties.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I like the symmetry of it all; 26 years ago we won the FA cup to begin a period of unparalleled success. This nicely bookends it. If only old ham-face had realised ages ago that he’s a bit of a bell (ham-face is being used here to describe LVG, not that time Brett put ham on his face). Still, cup final is a cup final and as any liverpool fan will tell you, losing one 3-1 after being a goal up is horrible. Although hilarious if you’re us and watching them.

The average human male femur only weighs 400gms.

You Only Live Twice (1967)

Firstly, that title: You only live once. It was a meme for ages. Sean turns Japanese (I really think so hashtag only80skids) and it is racist. Cold war shenanigans – again! – as spaceships go missing and everyone’s like ‘wh-whut? send in James, he’ll blend in’. Noteworthy for great names – Kissy Suzuki, Tiger Tanaka and Little Nellie who is actually a helicopter – and the scene that inspired Hank Scorpio. Basically, without this film you’d have no hammock district. Let that sink in. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: The final that will be second only to Stanley Matthews as Memphis tears it right up. Really good feeling about Memphis this game. Memphis. Wayne to defeat Apocalypse. 3-0 United, Memphis hat-trick.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

According to the FA Cup form books, this game is a nailed on 3-3 draw, cos of 26 years ago innit.

Did I ever tell you that I taught Keith Houchen all he knows? Including: how to write in ye olde English with a felt calligraphy pen? How to maximise the life-span of a goldfish; the correct administration and implementation with regards to their dietary requirements?  The correct use of a pumice stone? And usage per stone? Well, you’re never gonna know, cos Benno posted this preview before I had chance to finis

Prediction: Call me an idiot but this game has got a Tony V left-footed-match-winning goal written all over it. Idiot. 0-0 United. 0-0 United (a.e.t). o-o United on pens. That was gonna be my a joke, but just to reiterate Benno posted thi

What a dramatic Sky Sports send off for Boleyn Park, as both teams played their part in a momentous Sky Sports game brought to you in association with Sky Sports, that should have been fondly remembered by generations of Sky Sports viewers for generations of Sky Sports.

Sadly, the game will be remembered for the events prior to kick off, as terrifying footage of a bygone era emerged in the form of Teddy Sheringham.

I wonder what happened to the hashtag United bus. Guess we’ll never know.

We learned another five things innit:

1. That was the last game at Upton Park. You probably missed it amidst all the great football.

2) The West Ham fans sure showed a lot of bottle.

3. idgi.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

I don’t know what all the fuss is about – any idiot can put gifs on a United preview.

Opposition Summary: Cockneys. Loathe them or hate them, they’re a vital part of something very specific to their particular little corner of London. What that is, only the Cockney elders know, and they never grass. ’nuff said, geeze. West Ham play in clarah n’ blu shirts at the Berlin Ground, innit.

Prediction: Vangle to have his masterplan sabotaged by his treacherous players as they finagle yet another win against the boss’ orders. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I love replays of my lazy copy and pasting of old previews ways.

With almost innumerable column inches being written over United’s latest debacle, it seems that even for Bifurcated, the silliness is over, the time for jokes long gone. With a manager so inept he is only outshone by his employer, the idea of the club in crisis is becoming a reality with seemingly no-one available to comment or arrest the slide – lose today and all chances of a trophy this season are effectively over. On the off chance he’s reading, here are 4 things Louis can do IMMEDIATELY to save our season:

1. Any old iron – Put piles of scrap iron all round OT; hopefully their light-fingered fans will purloin said items and scarper, leaving less support for their team.

2. Roll out some barrels – according to cockney law, any player in West Ham colours will have to stop playing and deal with said barrels

3. Do a Lambeth walk – If all our fans adopt this strange custom en route to OT, the Irons might think they’re still in London and hurry to the train to make KO

4. Hold Chas N Dave to ransom

The Terminator (1984)

Written and Directed by James Cameron, this is so much better than all the others (T2 excluded) that I’m genuinely embarrassed for the losers who made the last one. ‘Would you go in back in time and kill Hitler?’ but in this case Hitler is good and a woman and a waitress and its the time-traveller who is bad and also a robot with skin over it and the answer is ‘yes’. I think Futurama did it. Anyway, bad robot comes back to kill good waitress and her future which is mother of the new Jesus. All makes sense, Arnie is a beast and Michael Biehn rules all as Reese. I’m glad they destroyed this movie with the new one. Fucking clown shoes.

Prediction: Benno to get the Zuko virus (it mutates to create small-headed 50s greasers) and us all to laugh. Numerous clips to be shown of Di Canio doing (the) Barthez. Nice atmos altogether really. LvG to finally crack and just start doing lines off his arm. 1-1, Rooney brace.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Good efforts, efforts.

Prediction: 0-0 United.

By the time you read this Manchester City and Arsenal will have drawn 2-2, handing us an opportunity to – despite our best efforts – qualify for next season’s Champion’s League. Imagine that.

Jose Mourinho has already said that if this happens he will manage every game, in the 2016/17 Premier League season, in just his thong.

The goal was all about Rooney.

The result was all about Norwich.

The future was all about the present.

Here’s another fantastic 5 things us learn:

1. Didn’t so much learn as re-learn how bad we are as a football team. My suspicions were first aroused literally months ago when results and performances were awful, and they’ve continued to grow apace ever since (because of more awful results and performances). Although I do think it’s good that no-one at the club seems to be saying anything so we carry to limp on listlessly and without any seeming sense of direction or purpose, slowly chipping away at any cache the United name still has in terms of attracting top names. Well, I meant ‘bad’.

*continue not carry. Carry to limp on? Good English, English, put the marijuana cigarette down.

2) Winter Soldier is badass.

94) I like how, in spite of Rooney’s best effort to fuck it up, Norwich felt sorry for us and gave us a goal worthy of any blog.

92) *hugs*

3. We should plan to assassinate LVG. Not out loud or in writing. Obvs.

90) That would be a terrible thing to do.

88) *winks*

80) Stupid WhatsApp turning my asterisks into bold. I thought the Nazis were defeated?

4. They were. By Indiana Jones.

Y2K) Love that Aqua song.

5. That’s French for Water.

6. And a colour. That’s it though.

If Leicester go on to win the league they’ll remember this day for the hell of a Vangleing they suffered at the hands of Louis Vangle’s Self-Harmy. Guess we’ll never know if they will.

Not sure why anyone needs the excuse of arousing Vangle to elbow Robert Huth in the face. Especially anyone who has elbowing people in the face on their best CV. But what do we know? Apart from all the things we do know?

Here’s  five things we didn’t know before but do now:

*cheeky ghost emoji*) Referees sure are funny.

*open mouthed, crosses for eyes emoji*) Not funny haha.

*alien head emoji*) Or funny weird.

*robot head emoji*) Just funny like complete wankers.

*old skool football emoji*) Louis is a sex pest.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s FA Cup day!! The ultimate pinnacle conclusive game of the season, and we’re in it! This is the payoff we deserve after a hard-fought season, full of ups and downs and shimmys and shakes.

*phone rings* “Hello, thanks for calling Bifurcated. How may I help you on this fine day of football?…………Semi-final, you say?……..So, what – like just one half?…………ANOTHER GAME?!? Do we need to w…………And it’s Watford or Palace nex………….What do you mean there’s still league gam……….Well, there’s no need for abuse; it was an honest mistake that anyone cou……. ……. ……. …….. ……. ………Listen, even if I could fit one of those in that particular hole, why on earth would I want to? You’re sick in the head, pal. Proper twisted…….. ……… ……… …….. Yeah, okay. See you on Sunday…….Bye, Mum.”

I’m guessing you all got that.

Opposition Summary: Everton were founded by a sweet seller, who got kicked out of Anfield for allegedly passing bad sherbet lemons, in a bid to get revenge. He’s still waiting. They have nice blue shirts but then so do a lot of teams. I mean A LOT. It’s not like there’s an almost unlimited amount of colours to choose from, lads. You’re just being lazy.  

Prediction: Vangle will counter the zero defence tactic employed by Martinez by not playing any forwards. Goals for Smalling and Darmian (yeah, him) and one for Rooney once he goes in goal. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words I’m driving.

KFC (2016)

Despite getting a ‘ricebox’ with sauce (BBQ – the worst sauce) it was actually good (unlike London which = bad) that aside etc.

Prediction: 70-0 United. That’s how much I believe in LVG’s FA Cup United.

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Us often get asked how us at Bifurcated stay grounded, what with all the talentness and handsomeness and charismaticness and lolsness: “why don’t you take a surf on the gold-leafed unicorn of mother fame to the neon pantheon of football writering hammer-legends in the sky with diamonds you deserve?” they say on the streets of all the cities … well, it’s because being a celebrity nowadays gets you all dead; being dead is Brett’s thing and his alone, and we wouldn’t want to alter the carefully-constructed narrative of this pseudo-intellectual contrivance innit.

Roberto Martinez has been working hard to combat having no centre-backs available for today, dedicating hours on the training ground to making sure all playing and back-room staff cross their fingers that Roondog plays.

The last time we won the FA Cup, none of our childhood heroes even knew what the word paedophile meant. Makes you think.

Prediction: Everton have no form, no confidence, no luck, no centre-backs, no faith in their manager, no support from their fans. But Vangle. 0-0 United (Everton win 1-0 on pens after midnight)

West Ham were the opponents for this cup game and I bet they wished they’d spent more money on players rather than wasting it on expensive bubbles. Rashford was the key, for the nine hundredth time this season, with a goal so good that he’s surpassed the need to have a stand at Old Trafford named after him – Manchester is annexing Oldham and naming it after our newest hero. Infrastructure improvements will come based on appearances and trophies.

Here’s the five things the three of us learned from the match even though it was really only two of us and it’s probably more or less than five things anyway:

Emoji that looks like a football) Rashdawg is the new Roondog but better because he can actually do those goal things.

Emoji that looks like a trophy) David de Savid is the new Petid de Schmeichid but better because of his hair and stuff.

Emoji that looks like dollar dollar bills yo) Herrera weighs the same as a small bag of sugar.

Emoji that looks like that piece of fire thing that the kids love so much) Fellaini is exactly like Groot except that he doesn’t give his life for his teammates, which is a shame. His vocabulary is also less-advanced.

Emoji that looks like a weird trumpet oh it’s a tannoy speaker thing) I concur.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

With a convincing FA Cup win over West Ham during the week, Vangle proved yet again why he is firmly in the top two of United managers in the post-Fergie era. Four more years of this, please.

Easily the highlight of Wednesday’s game was young Marcus Rashford keeping his fairy tale season going by giving it acker ping top bangs to give United the lead and win me a not inconsiderable amount of cash money. Twenty more years of this, please.

Opposition Summary: Aston Villa are so bad at football that they actually got relegated four years ago and nobody noticed until just now. They play in shirts they stole from West Ham.

Prediction: Rashford. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

WE’LL SURELY BE THE VILLAINS OF THE PIECE IF WE LOSE THIS!!!! Lol, but I’ll explain the joke – Aston Villa’s nickname is The Villains but they’re so bad that losing to them is almost an impossibility and after our cup heroics, such a defeat would indeed make us the villains. I’ve basically swapped it round.

Benno is correct about the stolen shirts, I have video evidence.

Prediction: More like BASHford!!!!! Lol, I’ll explain the joke – because of his silky yet bombastic playing style, I’ve changed his name to make it sound like BASH! BANG! WALLOP! What a video which in itself is stolen from Alan Partridge: the fat Dundee years what do you mean this makes less sense than normal? United 5-0, Nasri for Rooney. Lol, I’ll exp*BLAM! BLAM BLAM BLAM*

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 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Not gonna have time so you’re gonna have to reprazent like Roni Size did in the 90’s, which incidentally is the last time I touched a girl.

Prediction: Tom to add some deliberate slander. Or libel. He forgets which. Either way, he saw Brett licking a dog’s balls earlier. 0-0 United.