(The title sequence sees a silhouetted figure in a football strip walking towards the centre circle of a computer generated anatomically incorrect three dimensional Old Trafford.  He turns to reveal his side profile and we become aware he’s been carrying a saxophone, which he begins to play. As he brings the instrument to his lips words begin to fall from the sky and plant themselves upright in the turf around him. A jazz funk instrumental version of  Boyzone’s ‘Words’ (not the original Bee Gees version) rings out.  It’s only ruddy Dion Dublin…)

**Music fades, camera pans across the studio floor to
smatterings of applause to focus on the top of the flight
of stairs leading down from a huge letter 'W'.
The spotlight comes down in the same place**

And here is your host with the most words…Red Fergie….

Och! Welcome to ‘In a Word’… The one word based game show where we show William how much our Words-worth and with our word of mouth reputation you’ll be wordpressed to find a crossword about us…Word!

(?)

…Och so, before we meet today’s teams, let’s meet today’s studio audience…

**Red Fergie heads towards the audience
with arms wide**

What’s in a sentence?…

…A Death Sentence?

What’s ‘In a word…?

YEAH!

Yeah! That’s right!…Och Noo let’s meet today’s teams…First the Reds and their captain…

Hi, I’m David, (@abbottdr) and one half of the Bifurcated team

Och Aboot time you said something on this ruddy site…Okay David, let’s hear your Buzzer…

**Alan Partridge saying 'eat my goal' from
The Day Today**

Och very good…you can eat my words pal…And next up for the Reds…

Hi I’m Steph Doehler  (@stephdoehler)founder of Football United Blogs

Och helloo Steph…Now someone tells me yoo once interviewed someone very special…

Yes, that’s right. For the Football United Fanzine I interviewed Usain Bolt!

Och Did I tell you I took up running once?…The bath…

…Och…what’s your buzzer Steph?

** Peter Schmeichel's yelp as Butty places
a hot teaspoon on his penis**

Och…One lump or two Peter, heh?…and who’s next up…

Hi Red Fergie, I’m Will (@WilliamAbbs) and I have my own site, Saha from the Madding Crowd

Och thank yooo Will…and can we hear your buzzer please?…

**The buzzer noise from popular 80's/90's
game show Catchphrase**

Och, If we get sued for using that, then you’re gettin the bill pal…Okay? Right…next contestant please…

Hi, I’m Chris (@Sir Funk) and I also have my own site called A Football Pitch is my Heaven

Och, your face looks familiar son…was your mum in Katrina and the Waves, heh?…

Och suit yourselves, heh…Chris what’s your buzzer pal…

**The sound of Eric lifting his collar up
just before turning to camera and saying
‘Au revoir’**

Great stuff…Now whos’ next…

Hey there, I’m Kevin Levingston (@KevinLevingston) and my site is The Glorious United

Och they are glorious aren’t they Kevin, heh?…Okey dokey…your buzzer pal?…

**What Chicha's really saying
during his pre-match prayer**

HA HA HA…That cheeky  Chicha is such a naughty wee boy…Next…

Hello, I’m Tom (@Abs_83) I’m also part of the Bifurcated site.

Hellooo there wee man…Now a little bird tells me you’re very competitive and have a good record in certain types of game…

Hmm.  I went unbeaten for 141 matches on Pro Evolution Soccer 2011 at the highest level very recently, and in the match I lost I was 3-0 down to Chelsea, then brought it back to 3-3 with a hat-trick from Hernandez, but with the last kick of the match Drogba snuck in at the far post and nicked it for the Blues.  I went bloody mental.

…

Sorry I think I nodded off for a second there…Great stuff Tom…Have you got a girlfriend, heh?…Anyway, give us your buzzer…

**The ‘Bloody Hell’ half of SAF saying
“Football,eh Bloody Hell”**

Och, oh great, just ruin the end joke of this quasi-naive game show why dontcha yer numpty, yer, heh?…Can you choose something else?…Och forget it…Who’s up next…

Hello! I’m James (@writtenoff_MUFC) the creator of United site Written Offside

Welcome to the show James. Now you’ve got a interesting story from the REAL world of football haven’t you…

Yes Fergie, I do. When I was aged 11 I was mascot for Ipswich Town and during the pre-match kick about on the pitch I scored a hat-trick.

Och, well aint that quaint?…Let’s hope your brain’s ‘Ipswiched’ on and you can take that form into today’s game James…What’s your buzzer mate?…

…

…James…

…

…James…

..Sorry, that terrible pun had a strange effect on me..here…

**Roy Keane's dog barking at the paps**

Och, yer cheeky wee bastard yer...NEXT!

Hey! I’m Silje (@_Miss_United_) and I’ve also got my own site Football, Sex and Rock’n’Roll

Och very good…and what sound have you chosen for your buzzer Silje?…

**The first ‘What’ of Rooney’s “What,
Fuckin, What” aside to camera**

Och, poetry! Super…Okay, who else have we got…are we nearly there yet?…

Hello Fergie. Im Jay (@Yashi2612) and I contribute as Yashi on the United site The Busby Way

Och terrific Jay. Now I think you’ve got something to confess, a regret perhaps?…

Yeah…I had a massive row with Dad (because he wouldn’t stop screaming at the telly) while we watching the 2003 CL QF 2nd leg. I left the living room in anger and missed most of the game. The match in question? Real Madrid at OT, 4-3 to us, ripped apart by the imperious Ronaldo, Beckham redemption, knocked out, missed out on chance to play in final at OT…etc. One of Utd’s greatest matches in Europe. Moral of the story? Let your Dad scream all he wants. Join him even. Because that’s what watching United is all about. Screaming. And eating your nails.

Och, Aaaararararararararararraraarragh, yeah it feels good. Your dad sounds like Phelan. Don’t forget you need a gob full of chewing gum aswell pal…What’s your buzzer today?…

**The sound of someone screaming at a
United match and then continuing to
chew their nails**

Och I see what you did there…you nailed it, heh? Heh?…

Och I’m wasting my time…Who’s next…

Hi, I’m David (@MUFCBlog_) I’m the man behind MUFC BLOG

Och, great stuff…and what’s your buzzer for us today David?…

**"…and solskjaer has won it!"**

Och that takes me back. I could certainly hear those WORDS over and over again…Okay…who else have we got…

Hello Red Fergie, I’m Andi (@Twisted_Blood) and I have my site is Twisted Blood

Och Andi…Thanks for joining us…What’s your buzzer fella?…

**the sound of a chest opening on Zelda**

Words escape me!…And finally for the reds we have…

Hi, I’m Matthew (@mcarlton9) and my site is Sportwired

Och hello Matthew…I’ve heard you are related through marriage to one of the biggest sports stars in the world…

Wooooooh

Yep.

Och that’s it?…

Yep.

Och seriously?…

Yep.

Och, okay…What’s your buzzer? Yep? Heh?…

**Spanking one off the tee with the
driver**

Och Nooo let’s meet the other team…and their captain…

How come I’m on the other team?…

…Och ‘How come I’m on the other team’?…You did that abomination of an article about how your so ‘empathetic’ toward Balotelli you wee shite…now stop bawling and get on with it you tart…

…But…

…Get On…

…Bu…

…Eh…

…B…

…OCH GET ON WITH IT…

Okay, Okay…I’m Brett (@HoldAndGive) I’m the other half of Bifurcated…

Buzzer?…

   **The bit in Andrew Cole's chart smash
     'Outstanding' when he say's
     'What's my name?'**

…Och Okay and who else is on the other team?…

Hello. I’m John (@epouvantail) a Carlisle United fan and I run my site Bring Me the Head of Keith Mincher

BOO!

Och…Boo! Indeed…Now I was gonna give you a bollocking for not being a United fan but I think you’ve already experienced something like it?…

I once had my own hairdryer from Stretford End saluting, tracksuit wearing, shit ball-juggling alien botherer Michael Knighton whilst I was on work experience on the Sports Desk at my local rag. The moustachioed owner cum manager cum dreamer cum serial arsehat didn’t take kindly to having to speak to a 15 year old wearing a packet fresh Burton’s shirt.

Well let’s hope you’ve got some STRONG WORDS to say in reply to me today, heh?…What’s your Buzzer?

     **Story of the Blues by the Mighty
        Wah in it's entirety**

Och has anyone got any tissue, there’s a few droplets of blood comin ooot my ears…Think we’re in for the long haul with this one, heh?…Okay and the last member of the other team…

Hello there, I’m Greg (@gregtheoharis). I’m a Spurs fan and my site is Dispatches from a football sofa

HISS!

Och a great crowd in tonight!…What’s your Buzzer Greg?…

       **Ossie Ardiles saying ‘Tottingham’**

Och so we’ve met the today’s teams…now let me go through the rules for ‘In a Word’…I pose a word as a question and then the contestents buzz in with a one word answer until someone say’s one I think is the best…

WTF!?! That’s not a game…It’s totally subjective. That’s just a lot of people shouting out shit and then you playing god…

…I’m sorry…Did someone just say something…Thought I heard someone doing a shit somewhere in the middle distance…Anyway, where was I?…Oh yes. Each word I think is the best will get the contestant 1 point for their team…There will be three rounds and each round will come to an end when we hear this noise…

**SAF's actual hairdryer from his house in Cheshire**

…There will also be a bonus question if you say any of today’s special words…if you get the bonus question right you can get you and your team an extra point…If you pick a special word then we’ll hear this noise…

**A chorus of Rooney and Beckham saying 'obviously'**

Wooo!

Och the prize our teams are playing for today is…Drumroll please…A link to a page where you can purchase Legendary Manchester United Fan Terry Christian’s book ‘My Word’…Heh? We are not WORDY! Magic!…So without further a do let’s play ‘IN A WORD’…

Yeah!

Och Our first round is ‘General’…Fingers on buzzers…

Title?

**Roy Keane's dog barking at the paps**

SIR!

**What Chicha's really saying
during his pre-match prayer**

CERTAIN!

**Ossie Ardiles saying ‘Tottingham’**

MR.!

**The sound of someone screaming at a
United match and then continuing to
chew their nails**

MR.!

Och! Winner! JAY! One point to the Reds…

Wait a minute…I said ‘Mr’ first!…

Och so sorry…With your Landan accent I thought you said Barth instead of Bath…Okay next word…

…WTF!…

Player?

** Peter Schmeichel's yelp as Butty places
a hot teaspoon on his penis**

Barton!

**Alan Partridge saying 'eat my goal' from
The Day Today**

Cleverley!

                **Story of the Blues by the Mighty
                  Wah in it's entirety**

Chris Bart-Williams!

**"…and solskjaer has won it!"**

Sneijder ;)!

Och that’ll do David!…2-0 to the Reds…Next word…

SURPRISES?

**the sound of a chest opening on Zelda**

AAAAAAAAAA

AAAAAAAH!

Aaaahhhhhh…You twisted bastard…you almost made made me shite me self…play on…

**The bit in Andrew Cole's chart smash
'Outstanding' when he say's 'What's my name?'**

BOO!

You wee bastard yer…I don’t scare twice…carry on…

**The ‘Bloody Hell’ half of SAF saying
“Football,eh Bloody Hell”**

LOTS!

**Spanking one off the tee with the
driver**

FULHAM!

**Ossie Ardiles saying ‘Tottingham’**

SWANSEA!

** Peter Schmeichel's yelp as Butty places
a hot teaspoon on his penis**

SWANSEA!

Och 3-0!…

WTF!!

Och I am sorry…I thought you said plarster instead of plaster…Next word is…

BARGAIN?

**The buzzer noise from popular 80's/90's
game show Catchphrase**

HUNT!

Och the daytime telly programme or the player Stephen?…

…The telly programme…

...Och that’s a shame, so close…

**The buzzer noise from popular 80's/90's
game show Catchphrase**

HUNT!

Och the player?…

…Yes!…

Och no, sorry wrong again…

**The sound of Eric lifting his collar up
just before turning to camera and saying
‘Au revoir’**

N’ZOGBIA!

**the sound of a chest opening on Zelda**

BUCKET!

**The ‘Bloody Hell’ half of SAF saying
“Football,eh Bloody Hell”**

NONE!

Och…that’s the word! 4 to nothing…Come on other team…

SKY?

**What Chicha's really saying
  during his pre-match prayer**

MEH!

**Spanking one off the tee with the
driver**

ESSENTIAL!

**Story of the Blues by the Mighty
  Wah in it's entirety**

‘STAY ON YOUR FEET!’

**Alan Partridge saying 'eat my goal' from
The Day Today**

NAFF!

**The first ‘What’ of Rooney’s “What,
Fuckin, What” aside to camera**

#GirlsAndBoysComeOutToPlay

**A chorus of Rooney and Beckham saying 'obviously'**

Och that’s it and that takes it t0 5-0!…You may have noticed the sound for the chance of a bonus point too?…Silje you said one of our secret words, ‘#GirlsAndBoysComeOutToPlay’

WOO!

Hold on a minute…what kind of a word is that…how can that possibly be the ‘secret word’…ITS A SODDING HASHTAG! For Eric’s sake…

Och can we please ask for all members of the audience to make sure they have their mobile phones turned off…The interference with the studio equipment makes it sound like I’ve got a big twat spouting shite in my ear-piece…Thank you…Now Silje…for a bonus point…

NUMBER?

(Didn’t actually

give one)

**SAF's actual hairdryer from his house in Cheshire**

Och that’s right!…6-0 to the Reds…Also I’ve decided that because of John from the other teams excessive use of words, I’m minussing 2 points from his team…And that sound brings us to the end of round 1!…

…She didn’t even say a number…How can that be the right answer?…It’s a fucking fix…

YEAH!

Och so Will, you were pretty unlucky not to add to the Red team’s impressive tally there…Now what’s this about your mother looking after a famous sports star?…

Yeah, my mum rented a house to Ayrton Senna in the early 80s when he was competing in the British Formula 3 championship.

Och I bet when he was late with the rent it used to drive your muother aroung the bend,  heh?…

…Och bloody kids…you’ll never get any laughs with kids…Anyways, Gregg for the other team, I believe you’ve got some WORDS of wisdom for us regarding a pop duo?…

Yep, indeed Red Fergie, I do…Chas and Dave are underrated musical geniuses…

Och okay moving swiftly on to round 2…This time the words we want to be heard(s) are to do with…’People’…If we’re sitting comfortably…The first word is…

SEPP?

**The first ‘What’ of Rooney’s “What,
Fuckin, What” aside to camera**

#TheMuffinMan

**Story of the Blues by the Mighty
  Wah in it's entirety**

MAOIST!

**The bit in Andrew Cole's chart smash
'Outstanding' when he say's 'What's my name?'**

CLUSTERFUCK!

**The sound of Eric lifting his collar up
just before turning to camera and saying
‘Au revoir’**

#%^*

Och word!…7 plays -2…Let’s get a move on…Listening to that ruddy song in it’s entirity when John presses his buzzer is really eating in to the schedule…Next word is…

Allardyce?

**Ossie Ardiles saying ‘Tottingham’**

HULK!

** Peter Schmeichel's yelp as Butty places
a hot teaspoon on his penis**

HAMMER!

**Spanking one off the tee with the
driver**

BIG!

Och word up Matthew!…The reds are storming ahead…Next up…

BARTON?

**The ‘Bloody Hell’ half of SAF saying
“Football,eh Bloody Hell”**

Nietzsche!

**Story of the Blues by the Mighty
  Wah in it's entirety**

AUTEUR!

**"…and solskjaer has won it!"**

SHITHOUSE!

**the sound of a chest opening on Zelda**

PILLOCK!

Och we have winner…Excellent WORD-play Andi…Next up…

SVEN?

**Story of the Blues by the Mighty
  Wah in it's entirety**

‘Well…’ (can I just say here, fuck you Tord Grip, fuck you for persuading Sven to pick Keown for WC 2002 and leading to Matt Jansen’s career ending accident. Fuck you Tord, fuck right off. Thanks.)

Och No, you can’t…carry on…

**Roy Keane's dog barking at the paps**

TURNIP!

**The sound of someone screaming at a
United match and then continuing to
chew their nails**

EXPENSIVE!

**Ossie Ardiles saying ‘Tottingham’**

RANDY!

** Peter Schmeichel's yelp as Butty places
a hot teaspoon on his penis**

RANDY!

Och fantastic Steph!…

Yeah…no need to explain twatferbrains…get on with it...

**SAF's actual hairdryer from his house in Cheshire**

Och, that’s the end of that round and I’m beggining to care less about the score…Let’s be honest the Reds were always  going to win…So, David I believe we need to give you a huge round of applause?…

Well…little do Manchester United fans know but United wouldnt have won in 99 if I hadn’t have found my lucky underpants from the 80th min onwards…

Och well thank you very much David…I’ll no longer take any of the credit…I’ll make sure everyone involved removes it from their C.V’s…Yer cheeky…

YEAH!

Och now on to the last round…My favourite subject…Manchester United…Are yer all ready?…

DE GEA?

**the sound of a chest opening on Zelda**

GULP!

**The sound of Eric lifting his collar up
just before turning to camera and saying
‘Au revoir’**

TIME!

**The first ‘What’ of Rooney’s “What,
Fuckin, What” aside to camera**

#RockAByeBaby

**The ‘Bloody Hell’ half of SAF saying
“Football,eh Bloody Hell”**

SCRUFFY!

**Spanking one off the tee with the
driver**

PROMISE!

**What Chicha's really saying
  during his pre-match prayer**

POTENTIAL!

Och Kevin…That’s what I call a word and a half…Not long to go now…I’ve got a taxi booked in ten minutes…

Phelan?

**The bit in Andrew Cole's chart smash
'Outstanding' when he say's 'What's my name?'**

ASHEN!

**Alan Partridge saying 'eat my goal' from
The Day Today**

WORRYING!

**Ossie Ardiles saying ‘Tottingham’**

BEARD!

**The buzzer noise from popular
80's/90's game show Catchphrase**

BEARD!

Och aye jimmy yer win ther point again…

Och yer cheeky wee bastard yer…That’s not the winning word actually…

Really?…Okay, finally…

…NOT! Och course that’s the word!…Congratulations Will…Okay next word…

GILL?

** Peter Schmeichel's yelp as Butty places
a hot teaspoon on his penis**

DEVIL!

**What Chicha's really saying
during his pre-match prayer**

Better the devil you know

**The first ‘What’ of Rooney’s “What,
Fuckin, What” aside to camera**

#SimpleSimon

**The sound of Eric lifting his collar up
just before turning to camera and saying
‘Au revoir’**

SPENT WELL!

**Story of the Blues by the Mighty
  Wah in it's entirety**

NO IDEA.

PROBABLY SCUM!

**Roy Keane's dog barking at the paps**

PUPPET!

Och sod it that’ll do! Well done James…Can we hear the ruddy hairdryer soon…Time’s up by my watch…I’ve had it up to the back teeth with words…Errrm…

20?

TWELVE!

PLEASE!

HOPEFUL!

DEFINITELY!

MosDef!

Och David…You did it…Setting a captain’s example!…Now take this momentum, pull you finger oot and do some blogging…

**SAF's actual hairdryer from his house in Cheshire**

Och THANK CHRIST for that!…Yada yada contestants…blah blah blah studio audience…will someone send me my cheque on in the post…Ta…Oh shite the prize…just fucking google it…Now remember that silence is a word that once you say it is no longer there!

Och SOD YOU ALL!…Okay I’m going to sign off noo. If Tom hadn’t picked this as his buzzer this final joke would carry a bit more weight. But here goes…

Words eh?…Bloody Hell!

Thank you to everyone who took part. The answers provided were provided with a very unspecific brief and there were no real rules to follow…Which makes all the answers extra brilliant. THANK YOU TO YOU ALL, MWAH!

Below is a list of the complete answers from all the contestents…

Andi

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Gulp

• Owen? Horse

• Young? Bébé

• Phelan? Groovy

• Gill? Gamesh

• Breakthrough? Eureka!

• Squad? Rotation

• Competition? Healthy

• Missing? Scholes

• 20? Please!

• General:

• Title? Sir

• Player? Game

• Goals? Overrated

• Surprises? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

• Dreading? Dentist

• Twitter? Whale

• Bargain? Bucket

• Olympics? Pentathlon

• Euros? Greece

• Sky? Murdoch

• People:

• Sepp? Envelope

• Boas? Nice

• Torres? Freckle

• Allardyce? Genius

• Barton? Pillock

• Capello? Hat

• Tevez? Homesick

• Di Canio? Heil

• Sven? Loafers

• Mourinho? Quarantine

• Number? Eleven

SILJE

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? #RockAByeBaby

• Owen? #AWiseOldOwl

• Young? #JackBeNimble

• Phelan? #MotherGoose

• Gill? #SimpleSimon

• Breakthrough? #TheLionAndTheUnicorn

• Squad? #StarLightStarBright

• Competition? #HumptyDumpty

• Missing? #CockRobin

• 20? #NeedlesAndPins

• General:

• Title? #WeddingsAndFunerals

• Player? #LittleBoyBlue

• Goals? #ChristmasIsComing

• Surprises? #PopGoesTheWeasel

• Dreading? #RoundAndRoundTheGarden

• Twitter? #OrangesAndLemons

• Bargain? #FiveLittleSpeckledFrogs

• Olympics? #LondonBridgeIsFallingDown

• Euros? #RubADubDub

• Sky? #GirlsAndBoysComeOutToPlay

• People:

• Sepp?  #TheMuffinMan

• Boas? #LittleBoPeep

• Torres? #LittleMissMuffet

• Allardyce? #GeorgiePorgie

• Barton? #BaaBaaBlackSheep

• Capello? #OldMotherHubbard

• Tevez? #RowRowRowYourBoat

• Di Canio? #WeeWillieWinkie

• Sven? #ILoveLittlePussy

• Mourinho? #CockADoodleDoo

STEPH

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Skinny

• Owen? Veteren

• Young? Future

• Phelan? Lapdog

• Gill? Devil

• Breakthrough? Cleverley

• Squad? Fantastic

• Competition? No-one!

• Missing? Scholes

• 20? Achievable

• General:

• Title? United

• Player? Barton

• Goals? Seven strikers…

• Surprises? Swansea

• Dreading? Anfield

• Twitter? Socialising

• Bargain? Jose Enrique

• Olympics? Positive

• Euros? Not arsed

• Sky? Expensive!!

• People:

• Sepp? Vile

• Boas? Darkhorse

• Torres? Ladyboy

• Allardyce? Hammer

• Barton? Misunderstood (I kid)

• Capello? Poor

• Tevez? Whore

• Di Canio? Passionate

• Sven? Randy

• Mourinho? Clown

• Number? 20!!

Kevin

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Potential

• Owen?  Almost Famous

• Young? End Product

• Phelan? Hair Transplant

• Gill? Better the devil you know.

• Breakthrough? Clev, Welbeck.

• Squad? Strong

• Competition? EPL

• Missing? Midfielder

• 20? Inevitable

• General:

• Title? Certain

• Player? Cleverley
  

• Goals? Rooney
  

• Surprises? Evans

• Dreading? The Backpages

• Twitter? Addiction

• Bargain? Young

• Olympics? No

• Euros? Yes

• Sky? Meh

• People:

• Sepp? Twat

• Boas? Gent
  

• Torres? ita

• Allardyce?Big Mouth
  

• Barton? Pillock
  

• Capello? Useless
  

• Tevez? Thick
  

• Di Canio? Character
  

• Sven? Talentless
  

• Mourinho? More trouble than he’s worth
  

• Number? 19

JAMES

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Hirsute

• Owen? Jockey

• Young? Yorke

• Phelan? Churchill

• Gill? Puppet

• Breakthrough? Pogba

• Squad? Depth

• Competition?

• Missing? Hargreaves

• 20? Undoubtedly

• General:

• Title? Sir

• Player? Rooney

• Goals? Scholes

• Surprises? Norwich

• Dreading? Internationals

• Twitter? Frenzy

• Bargain? Basement

• Olympics? Yawn

• Euros? Pounds

• Sky? Moon
  

• People:

• Sepp? Crook

• Boas? Constrictor

• Torres? Failure

• Allardyce? Deluded

• Barton? Cigar

• Capello? Translator

• Tevez? Mercenary

• Di Canio? Legend

• Sven? Turnip

• Mourinho? Egotist

• Number? Seven

GREG

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? – Prospect

• Owen? – Yawn

• Young? – Marlo

• Phelan? – Beard

• Gill? – Corporate

• Breakthrough? – Wellbeck

• Squad? – Hardened

• Competition? – More

• Missing? – Scholes

• 20? – Probably

• General:

• Title? – Mr

• Player? – Modric

• Goals? – Please

• Surprises? – Swansea

• Dreading? – Redknapp

• Twitter? – News

• Bargain? –  Friedel

• Olympics? – Whatever

• Euros? – Yum

• Sky? – Hack

• People:

• Sepp? – ‘Genius’

• Boas? – Mourinho

• Torres? – Lost

• Allardyce? – Hulk

• Barton? – Guerilla

• Capello? – Bored

• Tevez? – Werewolf

• Di Canio? – Alcock

• Sven? – Randy

• Mourinho? – Boas

• Number? – Harper

Chris

• Manchester United:

• De Gea – time

• Owen – more twitter time than playing

• Young – substitute

• Phelan – Fergie please do MOTD

• Gill – spent well

• Breakthrough – cleverly

• Squad – incomplete

• Competition – champions league

• Missing – vision

• 20 – bad feeling

• General:

• Title – Arsenal

• Player – Cleverly

• Goals – Van Persie

• Surprises – Sunderland in Europe

• Dreading – Barcelona

• Twitter – needs the season to start

• Bargain – N’Zogbia

• Olympics – United Kingdom

• Euros – Germany

• Sky – can’t replace the missing two

• People:

• Sepp – #%^*

• Boas – who?

• Torres – return to form

• Allerdyce – promotion

• Barton – no England call up

• Capello – will shine this time due to man utd squad

• Tevez – big baby

• Di Canio – drama

• Sven – underrated

• Mourinho – missed

• Number – 7

DAVID

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Risky

• Owen? big-season

• Young? shrewd

• Phelan? inept

• Gill? cunt

• Breakthrough? pogba

• Squad? lacking something

• Competition? premiership

• Missing? hargreaves

• 20? hopeful

• General:

• Title? ???

• Player? sneijder

• Goals? lots

• Surprises? bolton

• Dreading? barcelona

• Twitter? fantastic

• Bargain? steleknburg??

• Olympics? riots

• Euros? football

• Sky? Monopoly

• People:

• Sepp?  clueless

• Boas? disaster

• Torres? hamstrings

• Allardyce? moustache

• Barton? shithouse

• Capello? nice

• Tevez? whore

• Di Canio? mental

• Sven? fallen

• Mourinho? mufc future

• Number? 7

David

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Prone

• Owen? Shiny

• Young? Surprising

• Phelan? Worrying

• Gill? Competent

• Breakthrough? Smalling

• Squad? Deep

• Competition? None

• Missing? Sneijder

• 20? MosDef

• General:

• Title? Easy

• Player? Cleverley

• Goals? Flowing

• Surprises? Nani

• Dreading? Barca

• Twitter? Twatter

• Bargain? Cleverley

• Olympics? WhatOlympics

• Euros? Us

• Sky? Naff

• People:

• Sepp? Twat

• Boas? Dunno

• Torres? FlopsyBunny

• Allardyce? Likey

• Barton? Twerp

• Capello? Clueless

• Tevez? Twat

• Di Canio? Hot

• Sven? Clueless

• Mourinho? InNeedofaTrophy

• Number? 20

JAY

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Young

• Owen? Jason Manford

• Young? Left

• Phelan? Dull

• Gill? Anti-people

• Breakthrough? Nani

• Squad? Wins titles

• Competition? Premier League

• Missing? Scholes

• 20? Please

• General:

• Title? Mr.

• Player? Zidane

• Goals? Last-minute

• Surprises? Giggs

• Dreading? Post-Fergie

• Twitter? Debate

• Bargain? Cantona

• Olympics? London

• Euros? Deutschland

• Sky? Red

• People:

• Sepp? Dictator

• Boas? Mourinho

• Torres? Bruno

• Allardyce? Microphone

• Barton? Moustache

• Capello? Expensive

• Tevez? Sulk

• Di Canio? Mad

• Sven? Expensive

• Mourinho? Omelettes

• Number? 58

JOHN

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Gangly scum

• Owen? Brittle scum

• Young? Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap Scum

• Phelan? Matchofthedayinterviewboringmenowbaldy

• Gill? No idea. Probably scum

• Breakthrough? Morrison? (DEFINITE Scum)

• Squad? Scummers

• Competition? Healthy

• Missing? Jimmy Chester

• 20? Possible.

• General:

• Title? The Guvnor

• Player? Chris Bart-Williams

• Goals? Over-rated

• Surprises? West Brom

• Dreading? Shearer’s shirts.

• Twitter? Addictive

• Bargain? Yohan Cabaye

• Olympics? Oh piss off Boris

• Euros? Krakow!

• Sky? ‘Stay on your feet’

• People:

• Sepp? Maoist

• Boas? Mancrush

• Torres? Aliceband (who the fuck is Alice?)

• Allardyce? Prozoneupperlipabuser

• Barton? Auteur. Capello? Hat

• Tevez? Neck.

• Di Canio? Fascist (also, stupid, cynical showbiz appointment which I’m desperate to backfire)

• Sven? ‘Well…’ (can I just say here, fuck you Tord Grip, fuck you for persuading Sven to pick Keown for WC 2002 and leading to Matt Jansen’s career ending accident. Fuck you Tord, fuck right off. Thanks.)

• Mourinho? Avram-wannabe

• Number? 25, number of the beast (Michalik).

William

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Thin White Duke

• Owen? France 98

• Young? At heart

• Phelan? Beard

• Gill? *cough*

• Breakthrough? Cleverley

• Squad? Better

• Competition? The usual

• Missing? Kanchelskis

• 20? Please

• General:

• Title? Yes

• Player? Chicharito

• Goals? Plenty

• Surprises? Norwich

• Dreading? N/A

• Twitter? RT

• Bargain? Hunt

• Olympics? 100m

• Euros? Spain

• Sky? Stelling

• People:

• Sepp? Herberger

• Boas? Gamble

• Torres? Ha!

• Allardyce? Fry-up

• Barton? Cannon (loose)

• Capello? Disappointed

• Tevez? [censored]

• Di Canio? Questionable politics

• Sven? Legend

• Mourinho? Compelling

• Number? 9

MATTHEW

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Promise

• Owen? Poacher

• Young? Impact

• Phelan? Yes-man

• Gill? Suit

• Breakthrough? Cleverley

• Squad? Solid

• Competition? Chelsea

• Missing? Scholesy

• 20? Definitely

• General:

• Title? MUFC

• Player? Nani

• Goals? Suarez

• Surprises? Fulham

• Dreading? Barca

• Twitter? #mytweetsaregreat

• Bargain? Booze

• Olympics? Excited

• Euros? Poorexchangerate

• Sky? Essential

• People:

• Sepp? Corrupt

• Boas? Intriguing

• Torres? Class

• Allardyce? Big

• Barton? Misunderstood

• Capello? Wealthy

• Tevez? Ugly

• Di Canio? Fascist

• Sven? Stud

• Mourinho? Nextunitedmangerplease

• Number? 9

BRETT

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Lindegaard

• Owen? Beige

• Young? Fawn

• Phelan? Ashen

• Gill? s

• Breakthrough? Cleverley
  

• Squad? game
  

• Competition? Weaker
  

• Missing? Hargreaves
  

• 20? 18

• General:

• Title? Brambus

• Player? Hater?
  

• Goals? Scholes
  

• Surprises? Boo!

• Dreading? Shearer
  

• Twitter? Whale
  

• Bargain? JOS

• Olympics? Blackhole
  

• Euros? Olympics?
  

• Sky? Limit

• People:

• Sepp? Clusterfuck

• Boas? Orange
  

• Torres? Drogba?

• Allardyce? Allardici

• Barton? Bartoff

• Capello? Spitting (Image)

• Tevez? ?

• Di Canio? No

• Sven? Gerland

• Mourinho? Yes
  

• Number? 8

Tom

• Manchester United:

• De Gea? Scruffy.

• Owen? Hargreaves.

• Young? Marlowe.

• Phelan? Goatee.

• Gill? Chatty.

• Breakthrough? Anderson.

• Squad? Variety.

• Competition? Barcelona.

• Missing? Sneijder (as it stands)

• 20? Twelve

• General:

• Title?  Devils.

• Player?  Sneijder (again, as it stands)

• Goals?  Nani.

• Surprises?  Lots.

• Dreading?  Rugby.

• Twitter?  Discourse.

• Bargain?  None.

• Olympics?  Apparently.

• Euros?  Xavi.

• Sky?  Mandatory.

• People:

• Sepp? Numpty.

• Boas?  Child.

• Torres?  Flappy.

• Allardyce?  Cardiac.

• Barton?  Nietzsche.

• Capello?  Over.

• Tevez?  Face.

• Di Canio?  Temporary.

• Sven?  Anachronism.

• Mourinho?  Necessary.

********

Other game show based fun available on the ‘analogue’ Bi-player:

The Z-Factor

I believe I can fly…

Is it a Bird?… No, he’s just got braided hair you bigot! Is it a plane? … Well, he’s carrying a bit of extra cargo. and in some areas he’s first class (?!) … NO! It’s Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira. Anderson. Ando. Player of the season 2012. My hero *swoon*.

I tried calling Paddy Power (If ever anyone was destined to become the proprietor of a bookmakers based solely on their birth certificate alone then Paddy’s your man. Possibly only eclipsed by Bet Fred) to place a wager on Ando becoming Player of the Season for 2012 but they refused to take it. Not because it was a forgone conclusion, I just owe them a lot of money (Lies! I was actually addicted to gambling as a teenager, but now cigarettes and alcohol have filled the void). Anyway, where am I going with this waste of a paragraph? Anderson may not be the first name that springs to mind when people propose their suggestions for heirs to the POTY mantle but I’ve been banging on about Ando now since half-way through last season so I’m sticking with him.

Did you know that since his arrival in 2007 he has never completed a full pre-season programme due to injury. That’s his whole United career to date, going into the season not fully prepared. Longer term injuries aside, including the potential career threatening cruciate ligament he ruptured, it’s no wonder he’s been susceptible to niggles and struggled with fitness. Let’s be honest about it he has never really had an athletic frame. Or to put it in a more sympathetic way he doesn’t appear to be a player who is ‘naturally fit’ like say a Becks or a Giggsy. He struggles with fitness.

It was that last Scotch egg…

There is a ground swelling of growing admiration and hope for Ando. A lot of it genuine. But also a lot of it coming from a position of  “Well this is all we’ve got without Scholesy and with no ‘big signings’, so let’s get on with it”. But I think that that absolutely undermines Ando’s potential to be our new ‘big’ player. I think he’s the midfield player we’re missing. But great news, we’re not missing him, cos we’ve already got him. That fella who wears the number eight.

He’s a bundle of tenacity, all action, hungry, wants the ball, gives the ball, master of little triangles, big triangles, competent finisher, creative spark, fearless, hard and soft in equal measure, has a passing range of note,  exponent of the spectacular, capable of the subtle and he also has proven form in one of the requirements from my personal worthy of worship tick list – he likes to ham up his goal celebrations, check.

Look at his face…just look at his face.

(One weakness: He has an apparent problem with heading, can anyone provide evidence of him heading the ball?)

This picture should be in brackets. PROOF!

The problem he has had has been with his relationship with this ugly word that in football circles is a thing of beauty as it harnesses success … consistency. He’s young and still learning his trade in one of the toughest divisions in the world. The team can’t wait for him for ten games to find his range of passing. When you’ve had the likes of Paul Scholes who need ten minutes to find theirs it’s even harder. But now in the best condition he’s been in, his time I think is now. He will still try and do too much, because he’s hungry and still learning. He will run to each end of the pitch forgetting which position he’s been earmarked to hold and when the ball finally comes to him he will kick it like his legs are made of concrete with balls of blu-tack for feet. As he matures he will develop this aspect of his game. For now we should enjoy his willingness to do it all and not berate him, because with a little bit of patience, like SAF is showing him, we will have some player.

Ando…I can’t breath!

I confess I don’t actually think that this will be the season that Ando gets POTY, but that’s not because I think he can’t. I think this season has come to soon in his development. 2014 is a more realistic target. I’m still sticking with my prediction for him for POTY, because at heart I’m still a gambling man and sometimes the outsider comes up on the rails. (Feel free to substitute that last line for any racing cliche of your choosing) I predict the plaudits to come thick and fast for him as the season barrels along towards the business end. He’s just completed his first full pre-season. Premier League beware.