We’re still celebrating our 1st Birthday! Next up for a trip on the much maligned Bifurcated Train, Bifurcated creator David Abbott and here it is now…

The conductor tossed him a  £1 coin and held out his hand  to lead him in the direction of the platform.  *BUZZ* Yep, same gag. It’s painful isn’t it?

There was only one train waiting to depart, there was only one destination…

Canvey Island!

At the other end he was lead towards the creepy car park and the now over familiar car-boot sale with the stall, run this time by someone who looked suspiciously like ex-Manchester United player John O’Shea!

As is the now the recognised format with this extremely quasi-shoddy post, the character has a message: “Welcome to Canvey Island cds, tapes and vinyl. I’ve got to shift all these for a friend of a friend after a miscommunication over some … erm … oh I forgot my lines, anyhow, won’t bore you with the detail, you’ve probably stopped listening to this surreal nonsensical rubbish already … We have every single ever pressed or recorded in stock, and at 5 for £1, you can enjoy picking your 5 favourites of all time?!”

 … And this is what David picked and why (in his own words) …

The False Bridge performed by Shirley Collins

“I love folk music. Old music, performed before it was referred to as folk music and sung by men in white Aran sweaters. Shirley Collins is incredible, this song is awesome.”

I Wish I was a Mole in the Ground performed by Bascom Lamar Lunsford

Out on the Weekend by Neil Young

Buckets of Rain by Bob Dylan

“My all-time favourite musician. I could have compiled a top 5 of just Dylan, so I chose a random song. It’s funny, and it rounds off perfectly my favourite Dylan album.”

“No version on YouTube, so here is actually my favourite song ever by anyone (and one of my favourite performances of it)”

 

Och, many of us know boss of Bifurcated David, actually, no wait, we don’t, he’s only done like three posts! What we aim to find out is a bit more about the fella behind the blog, the voice behind, well, me I spose…

 

 

 Do we really care about the walking about in the dark title sequence? NO! Good…

 

 

 

Och David, you’re a busy man, so we won’t keep yer too long. You went to the pub and saw that ruddy last game of the season unfold with Brett I hear? An enjoyable day, I’m guessing?

 

 

Best. Day. Ever.

 

 

 

 

 

Och, divnae remind me! Anyway, let’s crack on. So you were born in Hitchin, Hertfordshire…

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, in a hospital that was later torn down and replaced by a Safeway. My brothers joke that I was born in the frozen pea aisle, because my brothers are hilarious.

*HA HA!!*

Heh, the audience liked that! I guess that explains a lot! Oh, is my mic on? Och, now this was 1981, what do you remember most about your formative years?

I feel like my upbringing was cosy, but worldly, and pretty middle class. Hitchin is a market town. My brothers and I spent weekends exploring, riding our bikes, pretending to be secret service.

You hung out with your brothers a bit then. And did you do much as a family with your mum and dad?

My family did a lot of walking. I remember Autumn days in the fields. I hated it, but miss it now … Of course. I went to church every Sunday: my parents are both children of vicars.

 What did your parents do for a living?

My mum stayed at home and my dad was/is in educational research.

 *WOO!*

This lot are easily excited today, hey? Did you go on holidays and that with the family?

 We drove around Europe a lot for holidays. We had a white Volvo that was 21 years old when it finally bit the dust. I split my head open on a seat toggle when I was about 10. The fan belt went half way over the Alps one year. The car was a tank. It was white. The first thing I remember really laughing at was my older brother Peter writing “Also available in white” in the dust on the boot door. We stopped going to Europe when we started going to America in 1988.

Sounds like you were quite an adventurous lot. Och, good times then, eh? And was football a big part of your upbringing?

I supported Tottenham for some time in my childhood. I had a man crush on Gary Linekar.

 *BOO!*

Och, think we’ll move on quickly from there. Did you play yourself?

 In Secondary school I tried to play football with a local team. It was run by one of the boys mums and she wouldn’t play me. My dad asked her why and she told him that they played to win. I never really played much after that.

Not your sport then, eh? Bit like the boy Walcott. Did you try your hand at anything else?

I got into playing tennis one year in Seattle and it remains the only sport I play half decently. I played baseball in America for two seasons but was incredibly shit.

But you excelled in other areas, using your brain. How did you get on at school back then?

I was quiet at Primary school, but had good friends.  In Secondary school I got into drawing. I also loved architecture. Frank Lloyd Wright blew my mind, over and over. Secondary school was pretty shit – I had a lot of friends that spent their time bullying one another.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What kind of stuff were you into at the time?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Me and my brothers were big on America. I got into music when Britpop was all that.  Before we left for the States at the end of 1995 I would describe myself as drifting.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And so yes, you moved to America, how did that come about? 

 

 

 

I was 15 when we moved to the States. My dad’s work expanded that way. Moving to America made me who I am today. I don’t see much of a connection between what came before and what came after. It helped me appreciate the best of British and the best of American and to be open to everything else.

 

 

Och and were you treated like a curiosity? How did you deal with the cultural change?

 

 

 

 

I also spent a lot of the time saying ‘tomato’ for people, so yes, I was a bit of a curiosity. Cultural differences are pretty obvious from the moment you set foot on American soil. Cultural differences I could deal with, political – not so much.

 

 

 

When you say it “made you who you are” can you expand on that a little…

 

 

 

 

 

I became more open, and said yes to more stuff. I believed more in myself, and in what is deeper down.

 

 

 

Why do you think that was?

 

 

 

 

This was due to a lot of stuff that deserves a list: I got into art proper, and thinking about making work. I did a lot in black and white. I got into music, and started playing guitar. I started a folk band and got pissed at everything, but in a folksy kind of way. My best friend and I watched Dead Poets Society one night and decided to do the same thing ourselves. A group of us read poetry in the woods, played music. We smoked a lot. We were very earnest. It was the best group of friends I have had, though I barely talk to some of them now. I fell in love. Still hard to see any other years of my life (with the exception of my married ones) as being anywhere near as transformative and important as these.

 

 

 

So, Sex, Drugs and Rock and Roll were your making? And you’ll encourage your children in the same way?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes and yes. Except the sex. I can’t really claim to have had much of that. But I would definitely encourge my children to smoke, and then encourage them to quit immediately.

 

 

*GASP!*

 

 

 

 

Heh. And then things conspired to bring you back to England…

 

 

 

 

Yep, family moved to Bath after 4 years in Virginia. I hated it – had left a girl behind in America and my dad had bought a house that needed a load of work done on it. Spent the first winter freezing without heating.

 

 

 

 

But a silver lining, in football terms, I believe…

 

 

 

 

Yeah, I started  watching a bit of football again with my younger brother who was a United fan. We watched old videos of Andrei Kanchelskis and Ryan Giggs.

 

 

 

 

 

*YEAH!!*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Och, that’s more like it! What were you doing career wise at this point?

 

 

 

 

 

I spent the year doing DIY and working in an internet cafe, eating  a lot of the merchandise.

 

 

 

Och, you could argue a nod to your future career, hey? Anyway… I think at this point your heart was still in America…

 

 

 

Sounds so romantic! I moved back to the states for university. These years were also awesome. My friend and I had a radio show at 2 in the morning for two hours. It was in a ‘free jazz’ slot which meant we could play pretty much anything. The college radio station used to take collect calls from the local prison, but they stopped before my time because they were racking up massive bills. We used to get a lot of older, male callers at that time of the morning jazzed that we were playing the Kinks and reminiscing about that time, decades ago, that they played the East coast.

 

 

And at this time you starting becoming more aware of what was going on politically, something that would ultimately see you move back to England…

 

 

 

We had another slot for a news show on Monday nights. We interviewed Arianna Huffington when she was running for governor of California against Arnie. That was cool.  When the Iraq war was brewing I became pissed at everything again. My friends burned a flag on campus and it got national news coverage. I graffitied a few things.

 

 

 

And you became fairly politically active didn’t you?

 

 

Yeah, the Iraq war was a big deal. It was the most politically charged time of my life. We did a lot of demonstrating, tried to stimulate debates… This was in southern Virginia where they’re relatively conservative.

 

 

 

Och, right on brother! Och, what else was going on with you at this point?

 

 

 

 

Everyone was in bands, I spent a lot of weekends in basements watching music. I studied art, and got really into printmaking in particular. Spent some nights in the studio drinking 40’s and making etchings. That’s cool for you.

 

 

 

So, art and creativity was starting to shape your future. What were your influences, other artists, movements etc…

 

 

 

 

Had an amazing mentor-style professor who gave me most of the music I now own, and loads of life lesson stuff. I spent a couple of months teaching in Tanzania in 2003. I didn’t know anyone out there but loved being on my own. Cy Twombly’s work was important to me, but more so the work of my friends. I looked up to everyone I was friends with in some way or another.

 

 

Och, If you’ll pardon the cliche it sounds like a cult american movie? Were you always really happy over there?

 

 

 

Low points include selling an awesome Fender tube amp to make rent and being shitty in relationships. Woke up on 9/11 and watched the towers fall on a 7 inch Black and white TV my friend had in his room. Weirdest day of my life. But yeah, when I think back to high school and university it feels like a lot of it did play out like 10 Things I Hate About You.

 

 

Heh, but your relationship with footy was growing?

 

 

 

 

 

The only football that was on American TV was United, so I became a fan. It was in the early-mid 2000’s when we weren’t winning much. When I came back for holidays I would watch games with my brothers.

 

 

 

*YEAH!*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s the little things, this audience appreciates. And so you came back to England again, but before we go on to that, do you plan to go back to the U.S? Is a bit of your heart still there?

 

 

 A bit for sure. But my friends have split to the four corners, so there’s no centralised point to return to, which makes it easier. Next time we go, I’d like to do the West Coast again. Start in Phoenix and end in Seattle.

 

 

 

Och, okay, let’s take a break David. My bum grapes are playing up something rotten. More from David after a quick word from our sponsors…

 

 

 

 

 

 Whether you’re a Little Devil…

A fully grown one…

 Or just a bit…

Or…

 Chesapeake Studio

have all your digital and design

 development needs covered!

 

Their ethos is pretty simple: do great work with great people.

 

But what’s with the fish?

 

Welcome back. I’m still here with David, one half of Bifurcated and we’re actually having quite a nice chat. I’m surprised to be honest. And so David, you were just saying, you moved back to England…

 

 

 

 

I moved back to the UK when I finished college turning down a possible year extension to my visa because of George Bush. Worked at Waterstones and started an MA in Multidisciplinary printmaking at UWE where I met my wife. Loved being a student again.

 

 

 

 

 

How did the two university cultures match up?

 

 

 

 

 

 I don’t know – my MA was overrun with middle-aged women. It wasn’t really comparable at all. What I have noticed is that the Americans work AND play hard, they differentiate and separate. The British seem to mix the two up more.

 

Heh. Och, so after you graduated…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moved to Bristol in 2007 and co-founded Snap, a printmaking co-operative and gallery. Left 18 months later to start Chesapeake design studio which is my current thang.

 

 

 

 

 

 

That’s SNAP pictured … Chesapeake is your own business.Which you run on your own … Does working alone work well for you?

 

I wish I was more collaborative. I mean, built-in collaborative. I envy people who find the collaborative process easier. I don’t, but want to.

 

As you said you also met your future wife at Uni back in England. How’s that all working out for you?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes, we got married in 2009 and had my first (and currently only) child in 2010 and both shes are the best things that have happened to me even though marriage can be hard. My wife is much cleverer than me and more level-headed. She has taught me most of what I know about relationships of any kind.

 

 

*AAAWW!*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Soft buggers! You also have a step-daughter. Has having a close family and siblings prepared you for your own family, if it ever can?

 

  

I think any relationship prepares you in some way for another. My step-daughter is also amazing. A step family has been challenging – partly because the relationships, and therefore the challenges, are intertwined.

 

 

Och, well from what I’ve seen you are a very loving and considerate father and step-father. With everything, do your friends see you much?

 

 

 

 

 

I don’t have as many friends as I used to. A lot are in America. With a wife, child and step daughter I don’t find much time to make friends or cultivate friendships which I find regrettable.

 

 

 

Och, so you’re not just ignoring Brett then? I would. Moving on, you always appear so grounded, level-headed, how do you maintain the balance? Do you wish you could do anything differently? I guess your work is important in this?

 

 

 

Wow, you always say that! It’s nice of you – I must be some actor. I do think that some things should be hilarious and some things should be serious. I need both things. I hate my reliance on technology, but love what the stuff is capable of. I feel very strongly about good design and architecture. I think Will Ferrell is a genius.

 

 

*YEAH!*

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Looks like they agree with you there David! Revisiting what you said earlier… you went to church every Sunday and so would you say you’re ‘religious’ has that had an influence on the way you conduct yourself?

 

 

 

 

 

I believe in a creator but believe that it’s our relationships with other people that matter. We make our own way; I do not believe in an interventionist god (like Nick Cave).

 

 

 

Och, It’s slightly at odds, in my experience, to find a member of secular society with such an open and creative mind as yourself who believes in a ‘god’. Would you say that it’s more the ideas promoted by the church that provide that belief or do you actually choose to believe in creation over evolution?

 

 

 

 

Oh shit, I’m not a creationist. I probably shouldn’t have said ‘creator’. I just meant higher power, and I’m more of a clockwork universe kind of guy. You know, we’re in a process of unwinding…

 

 

 

 

*?*

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lost on me too that one … And so the church?

 

 

 

 

 

I find the church pretty irrelevant now, despite it’s presence in my life. I went to my nephew’s Christening last week and although it was a lovely day, I found myself more distant from what the vicar was saying than I have ever felt.

 

 

 

Okay. And so, do you think your general outlook has changed much, from the pot-smoking american youth to the father?

 

 

 

 

I spend a lot of time wishing I had more time to nurture my hobbies and passions. Listening to music is the only thing that has stayed constant. I feel less positive about humanity than I used to; more jaded. But I’m totally open to being reminded of the awesomeness of everyone. I am learning lots because I have a family, but learning less ‘stuff’ outside of that. That’s weird.

 

 

 

You also said you were aware of being middle class when younger, do you still feel middle class, or are you more inclined to see the lines as more blurred?

 

 

 

I hate the class system. I know I know, I defined myself pretty early on in this interview. BUT when I was in the States I really liked that all the lines were much more blurred and fluid. If I feel middle class it is because of my taste. I hate Asda. I read the Guardian.

 

 

 

And so finally, as we’re talking in context of you running a football site, where does football now fit in…

 

 

 

I love football, and hate it too. Sometimes I consider quitting it. Sometimes I consider supporting a crap team to lower my expectations. I have seen (Bristol) Rovers a couple of times. Live football is the best and I don’t watch it enough. In the past few weeks I have discovered a soft spot for Chelsea that I find disturbing. I am pleased to report that my hatred for Liverpool is undiminished. The same can also be said of my feelings for John Terry. Football is the beautiful leveller, that is currency across the world. Like smoking. And it’s beautiful, fucking beautiful.

 

*YEAH! (Apart from the Chelsea bit)*

 

 

 

 

 

Well thank you David, it’s been great getting to know you better. Hopefully we’ll see you round here a bit more often in the future. David … David? … Och, he’s gone again...

 

 

 

 

My actual, rational, earth-around-the-sun-self is actually predicting a somewhat different score but for fear of throwing the universe off it’s precisely placed axis I will share that little bit of prescience with the bookie, and with the bookie alone.

Owen²

Michael Owen’s arrival at United was a kick in the teeth for Liverpool fans. ABUs laughed at the signing of a player considered way past his prime. And that was after laughing at the brochure he had made to parade his abilities around boardrooms up and down the country.

Now another Owen, this time an ex-United player, has produced his own kind of video brochure, and looks set to join our crosstown rivals City. The parallels are unparalleled! Two Owens, two Brochures, two injury-ravaged footballers, two traitors? What do you think?

That familiar, sinking feeling

The match started precisely how I imagined it would, and seamlessly from the kind of form we were showing in preseason. It’s so often the case, though, that spurned chances result in the other team making their way back into the game, and who wouldn’t have put the weekly wage on Nani burying his chances after his tasty morsel against City two weeks ago. Hey-ho. We had longer to wait, and when it came I was glad it was Young as catalyst.

Overall, a satisfying day’s work and surely always good to win our first away game of the season?

De Gea

“Woe is me” you would have heard me uttering if you’d been in the pub I was in, struggling to concentrate on the match over the staid English ceilidh that was twiddling along next to us. Easy to feel forlorn about our expensive Spanish mistake. But, after Young shuttled one in with some help from the boy in white, and I made my way back home and to a saner, less dramatic point of view, I thought to myself “Hey, ho”. Which appears to be something I think a lot to myself these days. And then I read Fergie’s solution “Pat the boy on the head and say ‘Welcome to England'”.  Who can’t love that? One suspects it may have been a pat with some extra pat thrown in, but still. Probably the right way to deal with it.

Rooney’s Hair

Wow.

Abbott of the Match

Ashley Young

Video is here

The Spirit of Manchester United

In an interview with the Guardian Tony V was asked if United could pip Barca to the trophy. “Of course we can win. We are Manchester United” was his reply. While words and sentiment alone won’t bring home the bacon, his response is laced with meaning. Let’s take a look at the United team, from back to front, and take comfort in the fact ours is a team not easily beaten, nor easily stopped. I’m thinking 4-3-3…this may be wrong, and perhaps Fergie will want to stifle Barca’s midfield, but both Valencia and Park can certainly be counted on to track back.

Goalkeeper. Van Der Sar. One of the finest goalies around (and possible the best retiring goalkeeper ever?), and the cornerstone of United’s recent success. Our usual strong defending means he’s not called upon as much as, say, a Robert Green, but his authority and intelligence is partly the reason why our defence works so well. His reflexes, positioning, and reach are all outstanding, making him one link in a chain we don’t have to worry about.

Defence. Vidic + Rio = Stout. Evra is Probably the best Left Back in the World™, and either Raphael or Fabio make it an almost perfect pack four. Which is absolutely essential, given we’ll be up against the silver bullet in Lionel Messi. Not to mention the rest of Barca’s attacking arsenal…in fact, let’s move on shall we?

Midfield. I’m assuming it looks something like this: Giggs, Carrick & Fletcher. Carrick has his opponents, and then he has his parents. They believe in him, and so do I. I’ve always been a fan, and his form has certainly picked up. Giggs, assuming he’s had that annoying blindfold taken off, has been very consistent and very good this season. Darren Fletcher will be a machine, because he is a machine and because he missed out on the opportunity to be a machine two years ago. Not as creative a midfield as Barcelona’s, but MORE than capable of providing service to our front three while providing that extra protection (and whitening) for our (sensitive) back teeth (four).

Attack. Rooney must play well. He has the capability of lifting the team from good to great. And, all hyperbole and cliche aside (actually, I’m just going to embrace it), he will be the threat Barcelona are most worried about facing. Valencia has been one of my players of the season, despite being out for most of it. Without his early return from injury, I’d be willing to bet we may not have clinched our 19th title. Just a thought. Park has been a big game player, and I have no doubt that the team will benefit from an out of the Park performance due to his absence two years ago.

Where I am most likely wrong: Carrick and Fletcher. Could be Scholes and/or Anderson in for one or both of them, and there’s a genuine question mark over Fletcher’s sharpness. Poossssssibly Nani for Valencia, but Nani doesn’t provide enough defensive cover. I reckon, barring unforeseen circumstances, the other places are sewn-up.

So how do we win? In two ways. The first is so entirely obvious you’ll regret even bothering to read this post. We need to play very well indeed. All of our players will need to play the game of their lives. I can’t even begin to imagine the concentration necessary to keep Barcelona at bay. Rio and Vidic’s brains will be challenged in the extreme, however well the rest of the team play. Evra has to face Pedro, who is Barca’s ace in the hole (although arguably, Barca’s deck has more than its regulation ration of aces), while scampering forward at every available opportunity. No easy task. Wazza needs to find a way to play his own game, to unfetter himself from the pressure of the occasion, and play at his magical best. In some ways, I think this is the perfect stage for him: his season has been so up and down that the spotlight is considering taking a holiday. If we play like we did in the league against Chelsea at OT, we’ll hold Barca. We will have to play better.

Secondly, and more intangible than the first (which is saying something), we have to Believe. And not in the way that Mars Believed before the 2006 World Cup. No, we need to Believe in what Tony V was obliquely referencing. The legendary United spirit, that we are never beaten, and never bettered. Every game is ours to lose. Barcelona are perhaps the only side  (of late) that have found a piece of what United have had for decades: the hunger to be better, to win more, to always be the best. To never give in. My gut feeling is that if both teams play to their best, we will largely cancel each other out. Our team must find something else, something beyond top gear. Which, of course, we can.

We are Manchester United.

I often wonder what other teams think of United; what threats they will face, what they feel they can exploit. When I read this interview with Xavi, one of my favourite players to watch, and undoubtedly one of the most important players of the last five years, I got a pretty good idea of the regard footballers can hold for other footballers. But then, the global footballing regard (see here, here and here) for Paul Scholes is pretty well-known (oh ok, while we’re talking Scholesy). What is less well-known (at least by me) is what the Barcelona fans will make of a final against Manchester United.

I would like to think that we represent the team most likely to spoil their party. Despite a season dotted with sub-par performances, I still think we’re the most complete and threatening team Barcelona could face. But what do they think? This is a rough approximation of the Barca voice, as they dream of glory.

We are Barcelona

We’re going to walk it. We’re the best club team on the planet (ever?). And to sweeten the odds in our favour,  United aren’t even as good as they were the last time we met in a champion’s league final. We have just got better. United have become workmanlike, we have become gods.

Our camp is confident, and not quietly. We are polishing our brass on the eve of a battle we know we will win. We overcame a potentially tricky tie with Real, causing Jose to soil his underwear and spill his marbles in the process. We were an irresistable force against a petulant, inferior and thrashing object.

Aren't they just angels?

We believe we stand on moral and philosophical football high ground. We will wear UNICEF on our shirts, be a team, attacking and defending with all 11 players. We will pass and move, create triangles, delight the eye. We will be serene and represent the one, true football. The history of the game has been fashioned to this point, and this tie will solidify the triumph of the one best footballing way. Not even Manchester united, the great marauding English team can touch this Barcelona. This Barcelona with a hundred Jack Wilshires.

On the pitch we will expect the lions share of the ball. We will hog it hungrily and artfully. Manchester united will panic in the face of such fluency. They will be choked of possession. We will easily find cracks to pass our way through, we will make those cracks into canyons. United, although quick, will be made to look sluggish. We will be two up by half time. Puyol and Pique will push up around the centre circle, not afraid of exposure. Our team flexes its sinews from back to front. Passion in defence, supreme creativity in midfield, ruthlessness in attack.

Barcelona ready their blades

What have we to fear? Nothing. We will be wary of the part of Manchester United that has made them the less romantic of the two teams. Their tightness amd organisation in European games. Their psychological strength, determination. We will admire their work ethic, but we will match it. There are threats to our intricacy: Park and Valencia will want the ball. Wayne Rooney will chase it, Vidic will suck it from the sky. Manchester United will try to defy barca; and they are quick and capable in any one moment. They are underdogs, and the English love their underdogs. But this is a game for maestros.

For Barcelona, the outcome is decided. Manchester United have had an easy ride through the competition. The semi finals were a joke. We have proved ourselves to be worthy champions already by the way we embarassed Real. United have reached the end of their run: their prowess has peaked and they will be soundly beaten.

We are Barcelona, the finest football team on the planet.

pah! PAH! PAAAAHHHHH!!

I was going for 2-1, then thought, eff it, we’ll stuff ‘em and pompously made it 3-1, noticing that Brett was backing the same scoreline. Then I went to lunch where I was served by a Spanish Barcelona fan who made the “pah” sound when I told him my prediction. He’s going for 2-1 Barcelona, which is the score I fear most, as it seems very very plausible.

However, the “pah” sound made me indignant, so 3-1 it is. Barca to score first, after 10 minutes. Plenty of early pressure culimating in Messi’s, and Barca’s, only goal of the match. We’ll hold out against the Barca Barrage until 40 minutes when Rooney crashes one in, against the run of play.

Valencia celebrates his winning goal

The second half will start cagily, but on 60 minutes Valencia will power through the Barca defence and calmly slot one beyond Valdes. He will celebrate by choosing not to smile. Barca hit the post, have a good shout for a penalty turned down, before Hernandez finishes the job on 85 minutes to break Barcelona hearts.

That such an incredible achievement as 19 league titles was completed in such an undramatic and nervous way was perhaps redolent of our season. But who cares? I mean really, I’m already fed up with reading “Though not a classic Ferguson side, this team..” and “Lacking the glitz and glamour of bygone…” blah blah blah. We won, we were better than the rest of the teams in the league. End of, and thank you. As Ryan Giggs said: “We’re champions and we’re in the Champions League final, it’s a rubbish team.”

A rare win

There was a time, namely last season and the 5 seasons prior, when every match we played against Chelsea made my stomach retreat somewhere into my left leg, making me unsteady for 24 hours before kickoff. If we won, my stomach was restored and I could eat again. If we lost, which seemed to always be the case, my stomach took up lodging in my leg for a further 24 hours, prohibiting me from imbibing anything, particularly a sense of humour.

These days, playing Chelsea is a bit like revisiting a childhood haunt: very familiar, but old-looking and far from its prime. The reality is, we’ve had the best of Chelsea since Chica face-balled the second goal past Cech in the Community Shield. We should have beaten them in the league at Stamford Bridge, and we did beat them – comprehensively, I feel – in the Champion’s League.

Ah, but that familiar dread… And it was worse this time, because Chelsea had implausibly dragged themselves back into the title race and we were on the brinking of making first-class bottlers of ourselves, not something one ever wants to associate with United. The stomach in leg phenomenon began as soon as Aaron Ramsey slotted home the week before. Yes, visions of us throwing it all away sent my stomach into leg-hibernation mode. Despite our resounding win, I’m just now beginning to eat solids again, thanks to some careful coaxing by my 9 month-old daughter, who kindly made her applesauce available to her jelly-fish father.

But enough of this nonsense, and onto the match itself… What is there to say? We played a whole lot better than Chelsea did, and the result was even slightly disappointing, in a way that a likely-championship-clinching win can be. Chelsea barely deserved a goal (or the satisfaction of reintroducing anxiety into a game that had previously been all celebration), and we could have had at least 2 more.

A very familiar sight

Most importantly we showed what a great team we are, and have been at various points this season, despite the pundit’s opposite assertions. To beat Barcelona we will have to be that same tight, fluid team we were against Chelsea. We actually appeared to have walked straight from the Shalke game into the Chelsea one, and played just as well, even with the personnel changes.

Chelsea have a difficult summer ahead: Roman may well sack Ancelotti and they will have to start all over again. They certainly need to freshen up their squad. In fact, I may stick my neck out to suggest that the Chelsea that for 6 years routinely sent my food sack into my leg locker  may be a spent force. All eyes on Daglish’s new Liverpool.

Man of the match Park. Just awesome.
Honourable mentions The rest of the team, but truly revelling in Tony V’s monstrously fantastic return from injury
Video link (MOTD)