@Benglorious)

City 5-0 Liverpool. The prosecution rests, M’Lud.

Prediction: Me to finally realise that prosecution does NOT mean the same as electrocution. Unless it does. Ain’t nobody got no time to check these facts. Lukaku to gain an audience with Jabba by mind-tricking Bib Fortuna who is actually Peter Crouch. 4-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

‘You will never find,

a more wretched hive,

of scum and villainy’  –  Obi-Wan Kenobi re: Stoke

You say ‘Stoke’, you hear ‘Tony Pulis’. And he hasn’t been their manager since 2012 or summat (don’t check this). Can only assume its now either Mark Hughes or Steve Bruce. The point is, nobody cares. Other things about Stoke:

1. It has an area of 36 square miles

2. It is home of the Pottery Industry lol in England. The team’s nickname is The Potters. Despite there being no evidence any of the players ever having even a passing interest in this rather archaic past-time (its not an industry  -making steel is an industry)

3. ‘Aww their Striker is tall’ *Ray Romano from popular US sitcom Everybody Loves Raymond voice* (Ray’s brother was very tall, it was hilarious). Peter Crouch is the tallest footballer in world history.

Alien: Covenant (2017)

Still refuse to watch

Prediction: I bottle publishing my first page draft of Titanic 3: Thrice the Ice despite it being critically acclaimed by at least two actors. Rashford to score 6 and we win the league with [however many games are left] to go. Wayne turns up pissed at HT and goes full Delia on everyone’s ass.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

Just read Tom’s preview and completely lost the will to li

Prediction: It’s TRItanic, bell! 0-0 United.

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avatars

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Mere time units since some no-mark team from some overrated city lifted the Premiership League trophy, we’re here again for yet another season of this game that you all love so dearly.  When will it all end?

Some old players have left, some new ones have arrived, Old Trafford is still old, there’s a new shirt thing which is just made in an old sweatshop… It’s all exactly the same as it is every year, and it will end up the same as it does every single year – with the winner touring the other eleven Districts and the Capitol before returning victorious to their own District to live out their life in peace and luxury. Or so they think.

Opposition Summary:  Tottenham are a good example of a Tottenham.  They promise much Tottenham, their fans expect Tottenham, and Tottenham generally deliver the Tottenham they promise and their fans expect.  It’s classic Tottenham and this season we are looking forward to Tottenham doing some Tottenham as well as probably doing a Tottenham before going full Tottenham.  Tottenham. 

Prediction:  Vangle will be expecting Tottenham to come out full Tottenham, especially in the first game of the season.  If this is the first game of the season, then Vangle should be fully expectant of that thing I already said he will be expecting.  The new players will do old stuff but it will seem new because a new player is doing it.  One of these new players will probably score the winner/set up the winner/be on the pitch when the winner is scored.  Back to the glory days!!  0-0 United.

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Refusing to do a preview because my limit is one write per week.  It’s not like I’ve got an English degree and a lot of free time.

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  Brett (@ConjugatingSue)

After dramatically escaping prison at the end of the last series in the most lolageddon outta here way, I’ve since moved back in: Hooch-induced scurvy, regular bummings, and learning the theme tune to Last of the Summer Wine on the harmonica, are infinitely less painful than sharing the treehouse, under the bridge, with Bob and Ted. It was my choice. It’s nothing to do with Warner sueing the site for the dramatically escaping prison at the end of the last series and them not accepting milk bottle tops.

Hey, Benno, is that Marky Mark? Loved him in Stoke Manager. (No, that’s Brett from Alien (1979).  Brett is an engineer on the spaceship Nostromo.  He has a casual attitude to work, and his often grumpy nature may well be an act.  Motivated by money, and not interested in investigating alien lifeforms, Brett can be flippant in attitude and prone to careless actions.  He has a good reason not to like cats.)

Prediction: Danny with his customary two.  Do we even have a Danny?  Do we ever score two?  What’s custard got to do with any of it?  Find out at 12.45 today.  Well, not 12.45 on the dot – nothing really happens at kick off.  Probably best to check back when the final whistle is blown at 21.15 tonight.

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