Prediction: Goals for Poirot and Jean-Claude Van Damme will not be enough for the plucky Belgians. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

I ruddy love Anderlecht. I’d open a coffeshop there in a heartbeat if I thought I wouldn’t smoke all the profits.

Fast And Furious Pick A Number (2017)

Vin Diesel drives a car into the Rock who’s in love with that Latina with the plastic teeth or something. That aside, pretty good.

m

Prediction: Goals for Januzaj and Fellaini as our Belgians destroy their Belgians. 0-0 United.

m 

(@bifurcated_utd)

Ander’s got ‘em licked more like.

Prediction: Ander to lick ‘em. 0-0 United.

In other news: Skipper Roo finally silenced his critics with a display of such wanting-to-chainsaw-your-eyes-out-with-a-chainsaw-made-from-barbed-wire-so-you-can-never-suffer-watching-him-play-football-again depths. We all killed ourselves irl and that’s why we are silent, is the a joke. I’m writing this from beyond the grave. Tell my mum to feed the cat. And not the oily tuna. It plays havoc with her thyroid. Is another joke. I don’t even have a cat. Just riffing on the a joke super highway in the sky with diamonds.

Here’s five things we learned from sixfields … SICKfields, when Rashford is playing. AMIRITE?!:

1. We can easily win every game if we get to shoot at an open goal from a yard out all the time.

2) Rooney. Get rid.

3. Thought Wayne looked like his old self. By which I mean him at 70.

4. Rashford is the lifeblood of Manchester United’s blood.

5. Herrera Rocher is really spoiling us.

6. Lol @ 5.

7. ffs I meant 3. 5 is bad.

8. Yeah. Thought I’d save it for a tweet but fuck it I’m a maverick.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

To take my mind off the football I’m currently watching Making a Murderer. If this show had been one of those schlocky American 1-hour specials nobody would be talking about it, but spread it out over ten shows on a paid subscription service and suddenly it’s the greatest crime show there’s ever been. It’s not. That award goes to Murder, She Wrote, which fought off stiff competition from Quincy, M.E. and Jonathan Creek. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction:  Mata to score another disco goal and/or Martial to score another mad thing and/or Cantona to score another 1996 FA Cup Final volley. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

The name on the glass said ‘Tom McGhee: Private Investigator’ but the reflection staring back at me wasn’t so sure – it had been two weeks since my last case and in my book that was thirteen days too long; I needed a clue and a drink – one of them I knew where to find…

I awoke with a jolt, the click of a hammer being cocked behind my ear focusing my thoughts like only a loaded .38 can. “Stay away from the Fellaini Racket old man, you’ll only get hurt” (but in a really thick New York gangster accent I couldn’t type phonetically) Before I could move, two goons squeezed my spine like an accordion and started playing a polka with their brass knuckles. I’d always hated Mondays.

When I came to, my office was trashed and I was seeing stars. Reviewing the facts there wasn’t much to go on….questions rolled around my brain like a load of marbles on a rollercoaster: who were these mugs? What was this Fellaini trying to accomplish? I had a hunch that before it was over, I’d be sorry I asked…

Lost (season 3)

What the what?? Man is this confusing I don’t think Ben is very nice. Thats Ben from Lost not Benno from here although he is also a bit of a rascal at times once he put a banana in Judge Reinhold’s police car exhaust. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  0-0 United. Liverpool are not very good but then neither are we. Hard one to call so going with 3-3 because thats the last result I can remember.

.

 Brett(@it)

Meh.

Lol. That wasn’t even in reference to anything. I just said ‘Meh’, like out of nowhere. The implication I suppose is that I was reacting to something and that I was petulantly disagreeing with the general positive consensus, even though in actual fact I wasn’t reacting to anything. It just came to me. You can’t make that kind of improv up. Not. Reacting. To. Anything.

I just made that paragraph up off the top of my head. Off. The. Top Of. My. Head.

Meh.

I did it again. I. Did. it. Again.

This writering game is tough. This. Writering. Game. Is. Tough.

Meh.

Again etc. Again. Etc.

Prediction: 0-0. United and Liverpool to photo finish in third. All two ran. All. Two. Ran.