(@Benglorious)

I ain’t.

Prediction: I ain’t.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

You should see my fucking Instagram. Also i just saw an interview where Liverpool keeper Alison is described as ‘Liverpool’s lean, erect, handsome finger man’ and I want to know who stole my book of homoerotic poems to Benno.

Prediction: Phil Jones. 3-2 West Ham, Barrels rolled out for a good ol fashioned cockney knees up with Mother Brown aka a smack party

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I find that making predictions 15 minutes into the second half makes this easier. Why has no-one tried it before??!! I am genius.

Prediction: West Ham to take a very early lead, after approximately 5 mins, let’s say scored by a footballer called Anderson. Then as we approach half time another goal goes in to make it 2-0, but we already don’t care and are not watching. Second half is anyones guess. FT: 0-0 United.

Frozen in this pose forever.

mm

 Benno (@Benglorious)

If we were playing Tottenham, I could make some spurious reference to Kyle Walker’s alleged love of dogging.  We’re not.

Prediction: Gundogan to start in place of Carrick for his 100th appearance for the club, Hummels will continue his recent run of goalscoring with yet another header from a set-piece, Falcao will score Danny’s customary two and two of the previous statements are far more likely to happen than the other one.  1-0 Everton.

Where are they right now?

Anderson Luís de Abreu Oliveira

Frozen in this pose forever.

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Completely forgot all about football until this morning and have been busy sitting since.

Prediction:  Benno to finally snap and kill all of us for never doing any work.  2-1 United.

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 Brett (@DaySixofThirtyInTheHole)

Made friends today by “looking after” something for my cellmate, God rest his soul.

Prediction:  Irish Pete with his customary one in the shower, followed by Big Sal eating my lunch.  3-2 United.

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s all excitement and joy today in Bifurcated Towers as myself and Tom (the guy with the preview below mine that you always skip over to get to Brett’s little piece of insanity) are actually visiting the Theatre of Dreams in actual real life and stuff.  Apparently, the previews we write are for actual real games and this is one of them.   We don’t know why Brett isn’t coming, but we both thank him for paying for our tickets with that money that I told him was for Bifurcated-headed stationery.

The thing about today’s trip is that we will be “tourist fans”, which, according to a certain fanzine that shall remain nameless, are the worst thing in the world and it’s our fault that the, hmmm, “R-Issue” had to close down.  “The Red-I” (that sounds way cooler) also took issue with families being happy but we’re neither of those things so they can’t be mad at us for that.  My personal theory, however, is that because we’ll be gaining entry with Season Tickets, we are actually “real fans” and because there’s only 55,000 real fans in the whole world, we are better than the rest of you plastics who probably live in Essex and think you’re real fans because you write for a United website.

Prediction:  After the 3-1  victory in the return fixture last year, Vangle will be looking to Di Maria to replicate his goal-of-the-season-contender from that game.  Literally.  Like, if he doesn’t copy it exactly he will be shipped out with Anderson to be his in-flight snack.  Carrick’s out injured for the first time in his United career so whoever his replacement is will replace him.  Rooney will score two to add to Angel’s earlier doppelgoäler giving us a comfortable three-goal win.  1-0 Leicester.

Chris is a big fan of fancy dress, stained glass windows and the diaries of George Washington:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Who is this?

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Benno (@Benglorious):

I’m not going to lie, it’s been a couple of emotionally-charged weeks in the Glorious household.  I imagine United’s transfer shenanigans have also left both of you not knowing whether to dance with joy or sob your eyes out.  Not just tears but proper chest-heaving cries and loads of snot running into your mouth tasting like hot, salty yoghurt.

He’s gone.

Two simple words, yet they cut deeper than two swords made out of even sharper swords.  This is a man who grew up in the family United.  A young boy at the biggest club in the land;  a teenager at the biggest club in the land; and finally a man at the biggest club in the land.  There were moments of his that got you out of your seat, screaming his name.  Conversely, there were moments that had you putting your hands on your head, moaning his name.  Deep down, we all knew that he wasn’t “United quality” and that he’d always be fighting for his place in the first team, but it never mattered.  His hard work, his skill-set, his dedication and his unparallelled humility made him arguably the biggest fan favourite since Giggs ripped off his shirt against Arsenal, which caused even Richard Keys to cry out in shock at his hirsuteness.

We love you and we always will.  All the best at Villa, Tom.

Apparently, we’re playing Queen’s Park Rangers next which should be a walkover for us.  In my opinion, park rangers aren’t ever going to be able to compete with professional footballers, regardless of who they work for –  they’re basically just power hungry gardeners with delusions of grandeur.  Players to watch out for include club legend Les Ferdinand; the White Messi, Bobby Zamora (is he white?) and Joey Barton a.k.a. the English Socrates (not the footballer, the other one.  Actually, not him either.  He’s more like if Piers Morgan and Ralph Wiggum had a kid and the kid that their kid bullied is Joey).

Prediction:  With so many new signings I have no idea who’s going to play, where they’re going to play, why they’re going to play or even what they’re going to play.  The hipstormation this week is anyone’s guess except Vangle’s, I suppose, but even he must be looking at his vast collection of shiny new players and wondering what the hell he’s supposed to do with them.  Now that Welbz has gone (note to self: find out if there’s a sad song that laments a boy called ‘Danny’ and if not, write one) I reckon that new lad with the flowing locks will get a start up front due to his incredible ability in the air, although Atreyu must be gutted that his mate’s gone.  He’ll bag two on debut, after being set up for both by Rooney after some sick (“street” “sick”, not “hugging the toilet, wishing you were dead” “sick”) build-up play from Angie Diana Mary and Robin.  That fat kid from Southampton will score after half-time from his position at left-back or left wing-back or left-side-of-a-back-three or lef…. Nah, he won’t score.  Instead, Mata will with a sublime free-kick right at the death to kill off all resistance from the Super ‘oops.  1-0 QPR.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

After witnessing first-hand (AT THE GAME) the opening day defeat to Swansea and then sitting through the Burnley debacle (I watched that on the telly. I won’t keep explaining how I watched them it’s just I haven’t really got a lot to say at the minute so this is kinda stalling), I think we all agreed that changes needed to be made. And that Anderson should be sent to live on the moon to eat all the moon cheese*.

That didn’t happen – he replaced Di Maria in a game. In real life – but I did see some small bits of news about some of our other business; whole host of deadwood (so dead it gives deadwood a bad name. And it’s already called deadwood) rather unceremoniously shipped out the door to be replaced by genuine proven talent or very promising potential. Any immediate concerns I may have had about how this will work were allayed by remembering that our manager isn’t David Moyes. It might also be worth noting that I’ve paid zero attention to this Welbz nonsense so if you see me predicting him to score just let it go.

So, The Queen’s own Park Rangers. The chance to see if Redknapp is further along on his path to becoming Pizza the Hutt (Spaceballs. You’re too young) and whether Rio can still do anything aside from promote those caps with a number on them….I want to say 8? That aside, we’ll only care who they are if we lose so I’m not getting into it. Suffice to say it’d be nice if Joey had a mare and got attacked by a tiger. That only he could see.

[ROUSING CALL TO ARMS SPEECH TO BE ADDED LATER]

I know its been poor but its been that kind of start – by rights we should destroy QPR until they are defeated by the number of goals we’ve scored. Its got to start happening sooner or later so I’m going for a convincing 3-0, Danny getting his now perfunctory  brace and Falcao a 30yard screamer which he dedicates to the memory of Tom Cleverley.

*This is actually a thing; the moon is getting larger due to science – Ando, with is ability to eat absolutely anything, is being touted as the humane solution. This is why he wasn’t sold – NASA are interested.

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Brett:

Ben (Benglorious):

Second game of the season today and my username and password for this site still haven’t been revoked.  In light of this, I’ve decided that I’m going to up my game in the preview stakes and finally put my name on the Top Red map.  Not today, though.

After last week’s 1-0 victory over Swansea, Vangle has started exactly as the fans wanted him to.  I was actually at Old Trafford for the game, and my only quibble with the performance was that my view was obstructed for most of the ninety minutes so all I saw was Rooney’s goal.  My second quibble is about the noise at the stadium: I paid good money for my ticket, so is it too much to ask for the other seventy-five thousand match-goers to just sit quietly for an hour and a half and just enjoy the spectacle in front of them as I wished to?  I hope this is one of the next issues to address on Vangle’s list.

Sunderland are the destination today, and they’d better not concede any penalties as we have a ruthless track record against the Black Cats.  In fact, my window cleaner reckons that out of the 263 penalties United have taken against Sunderland over the last three seasons, we’ve only missed one and that was because Anderson had eaten the ball after extra time due to him not being able to last more than ninety minutes without eating.  What I find most remarkable about this is that I don’t have a window cleaner and after his visit I also don’t have a telly anymore.

Sunderlands to watch out for today are ex-alumni Wes Brown and John O’Shea as they’re both awesome and pretty much the only names I recognise in their squad.  United on the other hand will have their new signing, the Argentine Mark Rogers, playing at some position in the back two/three/four/five (delete as to your own interpretation of the hipstormation).  Apparently, he’s famous for getting boners when he clears the ball.  While this sounds a bit odd, I’d imagine this is actually a pretty good tactic to employ against those strikers that love sticking their arse in whilst they’re shielding the ball.

[Phone rings: “Hello? ……  Yes, Mum, I know his name’s not Mark Rogers ……  Yes, Mum, I know it’s not ‘boners’  ……  Well I thought it was funny  ……  ……  ……  ……  What do you mean ‘no work permit’?  ……  ……  But that’s stupid; United are a MASSIVE company type thing, why would they sign a player who can’t  …… Woodward? Say no more.  Oh, while I’ve got you: any information on our starting lineup?  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  Injured?  ……  ALL OF THEM?!  ……  Well, who  ……  Cleverley AND Fellaini?!?!  Oh, FFS.  ……  It stands for ‘for fu  ……  Why did you ask me then?!  ……  I don’t know why I abbreviated it to you, it’s a thing that the kids are doing  ……  ……  ……  Yeah, you only get 140 characters  ……  Yes, characters are letters, Mum  ……  I DON’T KNOW –  THEY’RE JUST CALLED ‘CHARACTERS’  ……  Sorry  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  ……  Welbz?  For reals?  ……  *sighs* It means ‘really’ ……  Yes, it’s another young thing  ……  Yes, Mother, I’m aware of how old I am; stop changing the subject.  Are they really selling him or is this more media rubbish?  ……  ……  Just because a journalist says something it does not make it fact  ……  …… This may shock you, but newspapers aren’t free  ……  Yes, okay, but the Parish Newsletter is not a national publication, is it?  ……  BUT THAT’S BECAUSE YOU SEND IT TO AUNTY GLORIA!  ……  Look, I’ve got enough filler now to make this look better/longer so I’m going.  Love you.”]

Prediction:  Danny will prove all the haters/lovers wrong/right today by banging in six goals from 8 shots in the warm-up.  During the game, Robin and Rooney will reignite their partnership with a goal each before halftime, with both being subbed off at the break and only being replaced by Welbz.  He will play both their games as well as his own and end up scoring four:  two headers set up by himself from incisive crosses, one calm finish after a lovely flicked through-ball from himself and the fourth coming after some lovely work down the left from himself before he reacts quickest to bang his own cross-come-shot into the roof of the net.  1-0 Sunderland.

Brett:

*Engaged tone*

For the past one hundred summers (or thereabouts), the transfer window for United fans has played out like a clever analogy for unparalleled frustration; with nothing remotely central-midfieldy to celebrate. But for a club who supposedly don’t have, haven’t had, or even seemingly got all that close to buying, any one of the best central midfielders around for a hell of a long time (or perhaps more specifically since Roy Keane was shoved onto his own sword mid-fall), United have, have had, and have bought their fair share of the best central midfielders around.

Michael Carrick, Owen Hargreaves, Darren Fletcher and Anderson (and Tom Cleverley (though still a work in progress), Paul Pogba (though let’s not go there) and an ageing Paul Scholes (though no need to go there)), could all  – under test conditions, with all things being considered and equal – be seriously considered some of the best midfielders around over the past few years. They are all also, as good as, if not better footballers, than Roy Keane was. Now, no doubt the subjective opinions of United fans (and other fans) on all of those players varies dramatically; just because we’re from the same star stuff doesn’t mean we’re on the same planet, but for the purposes of this post, purse those cuss-laden lips, step away from the ‘Leave a Reply’ button (you don’t have to attend every argument you’re invited to) and just go with it for a minute…

I make the pointed comment about those players being better footballers than Roy Keane with no agenda, it’s what I think and so I wrote it down. That’s not to say I think any of those players make for better central midfielders. Roy Keane is rightly afforded his status within United’s recent successful history. He was, without a doubt, a more effective force than any of the players listed and possibly – it could be argued – than any other player you may choose to list amongst his peers. I’d also like to add that I’m in no way suggesting that Roy Keane wasn’t a very good footballer, it’s more that, that alone wasn’t what made him Roy Keane; it was the something Other. The indefinable Other – an intensity created by an individual’s attitude and their application of it – that can separate the very best players, from those that are just a little bit better.

Since Roy Keane was hustled off the mic, things – at United, but also things in a broader football sense – have changed. The accepted aesthetic of the midfield has evolved, and the rise to prominence of the likes of Michael Carrick emphasises a part of this. We’re just about wholesale on-board with Michael Carrick at United: a player who had previously fallen short of fans expectations on account of being predisposed to avoid irrational (or intentional) violent acts, for the greater good. That, and not having the genetic coding necessary for a low centre of gravity, therefore being slightly easier to shove off the ball than those less sharply inclined. He instead prefers to concentrate his efforts on other matters, like ball retention, passing, and that – the stuff that wins wars, but not necessarily every battle. But you don’t need me to tell you about Michael Carrick. He’s now generally regarded as a successful and integral part of United’s central midfield, and rightly so, because he is. But, as good as he his, I personally don’t think he has enough of that Otherness. You could (and should) be happy with having a central midfield formed from two players of Michael Carrick’s standing, it would without doubt succeed, but it wouldn’t have that edge and I think it’s that what us greedy United fans are after.

I think you’d be hard pushed to form a sensible sentence that argued that Owen Hargreaves wasn’t the best central midfielder United could have signed when they did. He was an answer; probably THE answer. Unfortunately, it wasn’t to be, and alongside Anderson – in his own perpetual state of ill-health – and latterly Fletcher, spent more than enough time staring longingly from the window of the medical centre. Three of our best midfield options out of commission. Hargreaves was upset with the level of treatment provided by the club’s medical staff, suggesting they don’t have the players’ best interests at heart, but this is from a man who collected the Premier League trophy with Manchester City wearing sports sandals over football socks, and so can’t be trusted. There are other, more sane, theories as to why we haven’t shaken free of our midfield malaise: lack of money (or lack of real intent to invest in the team) probably being the theory of choice, but personally I choose to believe it’s been something else.

I genuinely believe, both Darren Fletcher and Anderson not only have bucket loads of the ability necessary, but also of their own brand of that Otherness to be up there with the best – and I think Fergie believed that too. His affection for the pair of them was never more apparent than on his final day at Old Trafford and I think it was his faith in them, his loyalty and regard, that fed a reluctance to seriously pursue and invest in a proper central midfielder. It was a gamble of sorts that never paid off while he was manager. It’s now up to David Moyes.

Before I finish up, think of all the central midfielders United have allegedly lusted after during these summers of malcontent, how have their careers turned out since? Off the top of my Google search: Nasri, Schneider, Rodwell, Modric, Wanyama, Mikel, Dembele, Tiote, Strootman, Hazard and Moura (you can add your own and play along at home) have hardly blazed a trail since having the temerity to resist OUR supposed overtures. Two of those listed I hadn’t even heard of before we bid on them and I still haven’t haven’t heard of them to this day. That’s not to say they wouldn’t have been the appropriate square peg to shove into our inappropriately empty, round hole, but I think it’s important to remember the things you didn’t get that you didn’t really want – it’s more positive; more healthy.

I’m not sure what we want, or whether it even exists and if it does whether it’s available, or if we can afford it if it were, or even if it would want to come to us and if it did come to us that it would be okay with the move – you know would it settle in and that – or if it would be more interested in the money, and if so, as long as it did, well would I be happy with that? Or whether we’d be able to keep it fit and healthy (that one’s for you Hargo) and nurture it’s talent, or if we’ve already got it and it just needs to stay fit … but I do know I want it really bad and it’s not okay that’s it’s just A. N. Other very good midfielder, it has to have that something Other.

This post was originally featured on By Far The Greatest Team

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

I don’t think any United fan was particularly desperate to see the sight of Robin Van Persie being substituted due to injury, but look at it this way; even if that unceremonious collision with a camera was causing him so much difficulty that he needed to come off, at least he didn’t pull up or break something, right?

…..Right?

Hold on, my desk is made of wood, so I’m touching that.

Anyway, at this point, with City not playing in the league until Monday, and with Tuesday in mind (I don’t know if you know this but we’ve got a match in midweek? Pretty big one, apparently), I’d rest him. That’s a cautious view, for sure, but with the season that Rooney’s having, I think he needs all the minutes he can get. It’s a Hernandez/Smalling/Anderson match, and that’s not condescending because our starting XI always needs to know that there’s someone who can take their place if they perform well enough. Besides, Hernandez has scored more than Van Persie’s main strike partner. Glad to hear that he’s fit, and I fully expect him to perform a delightful half-hour cameo on Saturday.

Still regard the performance at Carrow Road as the worst of the season. We never looked like scoring, never turned up the pressure and we were magnificently flat. But you could look at it as a turning point. Since then, we’ve lost once in 21 games across all competitions, and we haven’t been as bad as that since. The league performances have become far less about coming from behind and more about getting the lead and strangling the life out of a game. I don’t think it’s made for engrossing football but it’s brought a ridiculously solid set of results to the point where we bear down on March with Norwich and Reading popping over to visit and a jaunt over to see the Mackems (who apparently we should be feeling very bitter towards because they laughed that we lost the league, because no one else chuckled at all…..) with a luxurious twelve point cushion. Those are three winnable games right there, and considering the clinical form we’ve been showing, seven points is probably the minimum target.

What I’m finding to be the most heartening aspect of this season is this unwavering focus. We haven’t been blowing many teams away, granted, but the performances have been unbelievably clinical. Then the manager ruined it and mentioned that the players feel it could be a special season.

Well. That’s us buggered, then.

Yes, we all KNOW it could be a special season. We were all quite happy not jinxing it, though, thank you very much. Honestly….

Can see a repeat of last Saturday’s performance; strong, disciplined without over-exerting ourselves and a line-up with more than one amorous glance on Tuesday night.

To be honest, hearing the manager calling the match a “mundane practical situation” is a little disrespectful when you consider that we were treating QPR as if they were Real Madrid last week. I know we’re all expecting to win, I know we’ve got a much more exciting date on Tuesday, but if I were a Norwich player, I’d feel even more desperate to perform.

It’s all very well and good getting excited because Real are in town next week, but let’s get through this before we start playing the Champions League theme tune in our heads, m’kay? M’kay…

Brett:

In spite of myself, I’m absolutely doing the thing where I just want this game out the way, so I can get all giddy over Real.

We don’t have a decent recent (rhyme time) record against Norwich and it’s a scientific fact that its impossible to not want only good things to happen to Chris Hughton. They have struggled this season to find consistency and that is in part down to the big fella up front getting even bigger for his boots. Of their players, I really like Snodgrass and – this isn’t why I like him – he reminds of a younger Frank Lampard. They will no doubt test whatever team Fergie puts out…

To rest, or not to rest? that is the question … one might usually ask as a manager, however Fergie – as we’re only too aware – doesn’t subscribe to convention. How best to “manage” (a term we love at United regarding injuries) Van Persie’s hip, is something I am unable to provide an answer to. Rooney needs sharpness, the rest is anyone’s guess. Although, you could probably bet on De Gea playing and although I’d love Giggsy to start vs Real, I think he’ll play too. The wingers need to find form faster than they are capable

Prediction: 3-2

Goals: Nani, TV and Ashley Young