(@Benglorious)

Prediction: I’d sit in my dressing gown personally.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Also, I will probably not do words today as the game is at 5:30 and this is the one day I have to myself so I’m just going to sit in my dressing down.

Prediction: all day smoking/drinking everything I can find also fuck the geordie stripers.

 M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Prediction: Abject misery.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Clothes shopping is fucking shit but not nearly as fucking shit as the football

2. Ooh check out continuity guy

3. I think we give him more time, 50 years if necessary – he’s building something godammit !!

4. Fred should be investigated under the trades description act

5. if thats even his real name

6. I think we should get Batistuta out of retirement

7. Fuck it, chuck a few quid at Michael Owen

8. Seriously considering putting a lot (£3.47) on a relegation battle bet why? Because I’m a ruddy bloke

 (@Benglorious)

Coming out the slums, it’s the hoodlums. I’m pulling my gat out on all you bums. So bring it on when you want to come fight this outlaw, kicking like Billy Ray Cypress Hill. Chill, I’ll bust that grill, grab my gat and load up the steel. And if you want to get drastic I’ll pull out my plastic glock, automatic synthetic material. Burial plots in order, headed down to the Mexican border. Smoking that smelly, Northern Cali, gonna put a slug in Captain O’Malley. Ho hum, hear the gat come, BOOM! Let me see what you’ll do. It’s a sin to kill a man, but I’ll be damned if I don’t take a stand against writing previews for midweek league cup games.

Prediction: Brett to wish his preview was first so everyone knew I stole his idea of using the raps. Oh. 4-0 United unless we do a United in which case it will be 4-4 United but probably more like 1-1 United. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

1-2 1-2 keep it on, listen to the shit cos we kick it till dawn. Listen to the abstract got it going on, listen to ladies come on and let me spawn. All your eggs then go up the river, listen to that abstract freaky SHUT IT DOWN.

Like Ma Bell, I got the ill communication. Word ‘em up, word word ‘em up.

Westworld (2016)

Billy is deffos young man in black. Got the knife and everything. Actually just the knife. Billy might not be the man in black. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Andy Carroll. I don’t think I got the rap thing. 24-0 United, Nasri brace.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

One, two, three and I come with the redneck style, cos you know I get paid by the mile, like Avis. I pave this, fast save this, everybody smile and act gracious. See I rob banks, I pull pranks; sometimes I eat franks and knishes. Best wishes, I’m vicious but here I am again like CNN, delivery my friend. Stick ‘em up punk, it’s the Fun Lovin’ Cup.*

Ffs, still 60 words short. Drat.

Me and Fast got the gats; we’re out to rob a bank. We got Steve outside and he’s carrying a full pack. Now everything’s cool and everthing’s schmoove. I walked up to the teller, I gave her the letter; she gave me the loot with puckered up lips and a wink that I found cute, and I said, “baby, baby, baby”. Oh, they don’t say it in this one. But word count.

*If fun for you is watching your team mine a draw from a game when winning 17-0 would be much easier.

Prediction: When the police guys investigate all these robbed banks, Steve is going down for time. Why can’t Steve have a nickname like ‘Fast’? Rookie mistake imho. 0-0 United.

Benno (@Benglorious)

Poor old Ander Herrera.  First, Vangle calls him a nice guy and then says he’s a great player.  The guy can’t catch a break.  Anyone would think there’s better players ahead of him in the team rather than football-related legal issues that could be damaging to United in the future.  My advice to Ander is to steal the captain’s armband off Rooney when he’s sleeping off a Haribo binge.  That would make him untouchable.  That’s enough serious stuff for now.  I don’t want to spend another night locked in the basement with only Brett’s recordings of Nick Grimshaw on loop.  I’m more of a Westwood fan.

United visit the Boleyn Ground today which was built out of Henry VIII’s wife’s bones.  Catherine of Aragon’s, I believe.  Vangle will be looking to capitalise on City’s dropped points yesterday by beating West HaWEST HAM!!  IT’S A COMPASS MADE OF HAMS AND IT’S POINTING TO THE LEFT, OR “WEST”, HAM!!  That boy is too good for this website.

Prediction:  Vangle will distract Sam Allardyce with the amazing rebus at the top of this page, leaving him unable to motivate his team properly.  We all know that footballers need their manager to tell them how to play football before every match due to them being a bit dim, so West Ham will really struggle today unless Big Sam cracks the conundrum.  Herrera will start as captain after Rooney somehow mislays his armband, and the talented Spanishman will be the architect of United’s most convincing performance of the season.  Falcao will prove one three-hundredth of his worth by scoring his first hat-trick for the team, and someone else will score the fourth.  Robin, let’s say.  1-0 West Ham.

United’s new record signing was only too happy to chat to me as I ran alongside his car on the A56 earlier in the week.  He listed his likes as leather gloves, minimal psy-trance and shuffleboard tournaments:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

What the hell happened to North and South Ham? I mean, not only is it weird to name an area after a pork product (possible racists?), but why then leave out the two most vital directions? I was going to use this opportunity to “preview” the game but, compelled by curiosity, I did a little research using books and that, and I think the results will speak for themselves:

Ham was first used to describe that part of London in 1787 and it took only two generations before the entire region was split into its four quadrants; East and West seem to have enjoyed a fairly stable relationship but North & South, locked in a battle for nuclear supremacy, soon came to blows* As the more peaceful cockney types left to the East and West to roll out barrels and play the ol’ joanna, the North soon became a Totalitarian state and continued to ramp up arms production despite the very vocal opposition of Lambeth Council, culminating in the now not-famous Bethnal Green Treaty of 1825 where both sides were told ‘To stop being ruddy idiots”**. Things seemed to have stayed relatively peaceful for the next 50 years or so until the death of the North’s Supreme Leader Tim John-Hill (a benevolent and friendly leader and top class drinks waiter) who was succeeded by his son (also called Tim). Its here that historical records get a little hazy but it seems obvious that with the re-introduction of a nuclear arms policy, disaster was inevitable. And so it proved: November 12th 1895, a seemingly innocuous nuclear meltdown, spun by a disparate media as a pre-emptive attack on the North by a craven South, soon engulfed Ham in bloody conflict – scientists with science have now proved over 254*** nuclear warheads were detonated over the 3 day conflict – which explains Ilford – literally blowing both regions clear off the map. May God have mercy on their Chas N Dave Souls. To this day people have no idea how both West & East Ham escaped the fallout or sustained so little damage but if you drive through there and really look, you can see the nightmares haunting every face. And it explains the lack of glottal stop. Probably.

Prediction: Nuclear War will destroy us all. 2-0 United (the red ones. Boy theres a lot of Uniteds aren’t there?) goals scored by divine intervention like how Moses did that trick with the Red Sea.

*Further reading ‘1898 – Knees Up Mother Brown: A barrow-boys nuclear winter’

** A quote mistakenly attributed to King Arthur who we now know to be either fictitious or long dead by then.

*** 255

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

This game illustrates just how tight the footballers’ league is this session. League one side Westham can get within four points of us if they win and are awarded three points for that win. Three points, if awarded four points. Two points, if five etc. Fingers crossed The Pools Panel don’t award them any. Of course, we have no need to worry about Westham winning, as Vangle’s boys will no doubt give it to them like the modern day Bon Jovi we deserve: slippery when wet, laying them down in a bed of roses, and shaking it up just like Barry Venison. They don’t call us a football club for nothing. It’s cos we beat teams with a club made from hat-tricks.

Though the transfer window has shut, no-ones mentioned the transfer door, and with the FA being so nostalgic (*find a kinder word for ‘archaic’. *remember to delete this note. *if you don’t delete it, don’t worry all the people Paul will probably think it was accidentally on purpose. *nice use of the strike-thru btw.*p.s 2008 just called and they’re sending a courier to take it back. *p.s 2009 just called *etc) they’ve probably left it on the latch like you could do when they were young, so Vangle should use this opportunity to chuck some money at his I call bull shit  philosophy squad. We need a young hard-working technically-superior good-hearted midfield player who is capable of goal-getting feats of wonder, cos we haven’t Ander Herrera one of those for, like, time. And a young hard-working lightening-paced forward with mad-skills, the world at his feet, and a heart of gold, cos we haven’t Danny one of those either. Yer feel me?

No need to worry about Westham and their tacticals: I’ve sent Chief Biggum Sammum a rebus that will have him distracted from telling his team where the goals are.

Final thought: Could it be that from a distance Vangle thinks Herrera is a rabbit?! And doesn’t want to mix up his toasties? Makes you think.

Prediction: Always, keep the faith, these days. I believe. Blood on blood. This ain’t a love song. Have a nice day. I’ll sleep when I’m dead. New jersey. 7800° Fahrenheit. United win.

Note to self: Find out what Bon Jovi is, and what it does.

TV is back!!!!!! Come on. He’s so back. He’s backer than a backy thing. I mean, what an explosive finish!!!!! … Okay, before the goal and even arguably during and immediately after the goal it was TV  V.2013 … BUT in the second half there were things like crosses – accurate ones too -, runs with ball – with the ball under something nearing control -, AND flicks … imagine that, or remember it if you watched it; same difference. Feast: on my punctuation (buffet) … there is plenty to go around! (The point is TV did something good – for a bit)

I actually enjoyed all of this game, even the bits when I wasn’t enjoying it. We felt like a team who could play football when we wanted. That’s a quality I’ve missed from a lot of our performances in the last couple of years (not the only thing, but definitely one), though that’s not to say it was all good.

Some of Rooney’s passing was outstanding and similarly stood out for the wrong reasons. We appear a bit confused – or rather Rooney wants to be all things, when we have more than enough qualities to fill the vacuum created by a Rooney-shaped hole that may or may not be appearing in a team near us soon. Pretty sure Fergie will find his mucking about with Andy Carroll a tad less amusing than he did, maybe just a smidge. The attitude of a player who no longer gives one?

Lovely goals from us: first after a lovely megs from RVP followed by a lovely dip of the shoulder from Shinji; the second: a lovely finish from RVP, after lovely Scholes-esque play from Shinji on the edge of the box. Lovely – it’s all lovely. OffsideWHAT!!

Not so lovely goals to concede: though that’s ‘cus I’m looking at them from the upside-downwards. Diame’s was without doubt lovely from a West Ham fan’s point of view. Vaz Te’s was equally as lovely, as it did exactly what West Ham say on the tin. BUT poor defending was also intrinsic in their realisation. What’s that there … Oh, you’re too slow.

MOTM: Gary Neville for looking like Berba.

I’m not really sure if there is much to be excited about for this game … NOT! Guess who’s back, back again, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back, guess who’s back etc… (repeat to fade) I was singing, you don’t need to guess. (If you didn’t guess Rooney then you probably need to reassess a few things.)

The BIG selection headache is barely even a slight nausea. Yes, Carroll was very good, but he was in the team against Sweden to expose a known weakness in the opposition. I’m sure if Hodgson saw a similar weakness in the opposition again Carroll would be trusted, and rightly, to “do a job”. He’s also a good option on the bench.

Walcott in carrying a slight injury should probably start, although I’d personally be more tempted to leave out Ashley Young ahead of Milner. Having said that the potential of the triangle of power created by Welbeck, Rooney and Young would probably sway Hodgson to stick with him. It’s surely his last chance?!

Still concerned over Terry and would like “JagZ” in. Glen Johnson is my new favourite.

Really looking forward to this one. Who am I kidding … I’ve been really looking forward to it all, so why would this be any different.

I can’t work out the UEFA qualifying mathematics without getting a headache myself, so I’ll just trust that whether it’s Italy or Spain we end up facing, as a result of finishing first or second, Roy will have a plan.

Goals: Rooney and Young.

Cometh the hour (60th minute substitution), Cometh the manchild(?!)(I’ll work on it). Tis always extra special to see a substitute in a major tournament make such an impact.  Nicer still when it’s England, speaking for myself of course.

Am I allowed to claim my prediction of 1-2 with Carroll and Milner scoring (1-3 if Danny scores) as correct, based on these facts: One of the Swedish goals was scored by Glen Johnson, therefore reducing their final tally to 1. And as Walcott replaced Milner they are by proxy a representation of the same player in a positional and tactical sense. NO? Spoil sports! (I’m still claiming the 1-1 France and Lescott scoring though)

Everything was going swimmingly until the fluke, yes I said fluke, from Sweden to equalise. Unfortunately, as a result, we (and Hodgson) soon learned that old habits die young. Panic set in and we lost all shape for the next 10-15 minutes, allowing them to score a very poor goal from a defensive point of view. Changes were made swiftly (something we don’t always see) and the rest we all know. I myself, made too much of the period in the second half when we struggled, and on reflection, we did amazingly well to turn it round. All teams will, when faced with a team in the ascendancy, struggle to get a foothold in a game. The key is having the ability to get that foothold. We had it. Go football!

Andy Carroll was very good and scored headed goal of tournament (One of the best overall goals). Danny Welbeck’s goal *SWOON*. It’s nice to feel like Hodgson has a selection headache of sorts up front with Rooney coming straight back in.

Biggest disappointment so far has been Ashley Young’s contribution. I think he’s in real danger of having the tournament pass him by. Milner hasn’t been great either, but can see him slotting into the middle, if Hodgson decides to rest Parker for the Ukraine game.

On the other hand Glen Johnson has really surprised me up to this point. He’s still never a right back, but he’s doing a good impression of one.

Wouldn’t be too bad a thing if Jagielka came in for Terry, he was exposed a couple of times.

Onwards and upwards and all that…

p.s Me and man news: I made a man joke to some men in the man pub and the men laughed.