Crystal Palace matched us at what we do best … which is testament to Vangle’s genius. If we can get every team to match us, and end every game nil all, until the end of the season, we’ll have at least enough points to start a point business. As the point business expands over the years, we’ll be able to trade and buy points on the a market. By 2083 we’ll be investing points back into the team, and then glory days all the way to Wemberly.

.

Here’s five things we learned from the weekend’s excitement:

1) Watching us is less fun than reading this.

2) Seriously.

5) Harry Redknapp is almost the perfect blend of Star Wars Jabba the Hutt and Spaceballs Pizza the Hut. It’s uncanny.

12) More like WANE Rooney.

13) Maybe make that (on the)WANE in case it’s too subtle lol.

7) By 2083 Daley Blind will have got there.

c) A 0-0 draw with Barcelona is not a bad result.

Benno (@Benglorious)

Coming off a defeat at home to Southampton last week, it’s easy to understand people’s frustrations starting to boil to the surface.  Van Gaal has, and has had from the start of his tenure, more leeway than the previous manager of Manchester United purely because of his outstanding achievements in the sport.  David Moyes was always on a hiding to nothing unless he seamlessly continued Sir Alex Ferguson’s legacy, but Van Gaal’s teams have arguably been producing similarly disappointing football this season.  Have there been calls for Louis to lose his job?  I imagine there have been, but this is not the majority view amongst supporters.  There is a feeling that United are building to something special, and that if only the right combination of players playing in the right formation can be found the fog will lift and we will be back challenging for the title again where we belong.

Van Gaal seems set, for the time being, on using the 3-5-2 even though it hasn’t been yielding the results we’d all love to see.  Paul Scholes said some interesting things about this formation earlier in the week; how it’s excellent for keeping possession, but limits your own team from creating goalscoring chances whilst giving the opposition more scope to do just that if you don’t have the right players in the system.  It would appear that we don’t have the right players at the moment, but this isn’t Van Gaal’s first rodeo.  If he doesn’t bring in any new blood during this transfer window, why wouldn’t he be coaching the current team to adapt to this formation that he’s so keen on?  The problem is time.  The only real way to drill this formation and its nuances into the players is to play it constantly against other teams.  Unfortunately for United, those other teams aren’t going to be sympathetic as all the games are part of competitions.  Perhaps this is the reason Louis is so keen for United to participate in “lucrative” midweek friendlies as they’d be the perfect opportunity to cement the system he appears so loathe to dismiss.  If Van Gaal can get this formation to click, through hook or by crook, then surely this will vindicate all the feelings about being on the verge of something special.  Only time will tell.  *drops mic* *realises it’s the same mic I dropped last week as it shatters into nineteen pieces and will set back the Bifurcated petty cash another £19.99* *realises that this means there’ll be no Christmas party this year* *sighs with relief*

Prediction:  LVG 2 pl4y a 3-5-2 at QPR.  IDK.  1-0 Queens Park Rangers.

Ladies’ man Marouane enjoys listening to Elbow, watching Bloodsport and growing trees:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Harry Redknapp is Jabba the Hutt; one can only assume he faked his sailbarge choking and has been living here ever since. As such he must be held accountable for his heinous crimes (animal cruelty – Rancor – encasing cool pirates in carbonite, not dealing with a Jedi with more common sense etc) and therefore I won’t give him or his ridiculously titled team the publicity he craves – no matter how many second hand cars he throws  my way. And this isn’t an excuse just because I hate QPR and know nothing about them. I also wanted to link the Bottom clip where Richie and Eddie argue about scattering ashes on the pitch but I don’t know how. So just imagine it, its hilarious.

We may play some football, its getting increasingly hard to tell.

Prediction: Rickets.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

By the time you read this I’ll be gone

to work.

If a flannel of a football coacher man eating a crisp is hailed a ledgernd, surely a towel of a man like myself stands to be crowned king owner big fish of all the earthers? My diet this week has included a mince pie for breakfast, twice, and one morning the rare treat of a tomato. And dinners of: rice and mustard, a pickled onion sandwich, a ketchup sandwich, and a mango chutney sandwich. I ran out of fillings at one point, so decided to invent the future: the bread sandwich.

Anyway, just showing off, let’s talk soccers…

QPRFC (Pronounced qwerperruheffsea. Probably.) were established when Shaun Wright-Phillips accidentally leaned on a keyboard while playing in his dad’s underground war bunker. Since then they have gone about their business in a very business like manner. Filing tax returns within the necessary deadlines, and providing petty cash for buying rich tea biscuits for the lads in the office, probably. idk.

As for the mighty reds with white bits and a bit of black, I’ve worked out Vangle’s philosophy …

If no-one knows your own game you can never be beaten at your own game.

Makes you think.

Prediction: Scurvy.

For a list of all the recipes from this week’s show send an email and full credit card details (including the 3-digit number off the back of the signature strip) to: foodie[at]bifurcated.co.uk