Benno (@Benglorious):

Before I begin, I’d like to offer my apologies for my absence from these pages last week.  Ha!  Like anyone even noticed after Brody did his thoroughly researched piece of ghostwriting.  I’d take every weekend off if he was going to fill in for me with such quality, but the fact that I’m having to type this without thumbs goes some way to show how binding my contract is with this website.  So, if I want my dog back (article 5: clause iii), I’d better crack on with this week’s preview.

Let me begin with last week’s game against West Ham.  From what I remember from the heady days of my youth, the Irons were never very good so I’m just going to use that fact to guess that we probably beat them.  Rooney was mentioned all over the Twitter after the match, so he must’ve been the usual dynamic genius we all know and love.  This is further proved by the fact that he’s not even playing this week because Vangle has given him the weekend off for good behaviour or something.

The next team to visit Old Trafford, and the subject of this next instalment from the contract of doom, is Everton.  I’ve done a something search on “Everton” and the only results, or “hits”, I got are the name of the football team.  There’s literally nothing else with that name so why name a team that?  I don’t even think it’s a real word. Their stadium, or “home”, is in a place called “Liverpool” which seems like a perfectly reasonable name for a team.  After all, teams having names that coincide with the place they come from are not without precedent:  Arsenal, Young Boys and Kaiser Chiefs are three such teams that just popped into my head.

After a typically cerebral conversation on Twitter this weekend with @UtdRantcast, we jointly decided that the Everton players to watch out for in this game are Graeme Sharp and Pat Nevin.  Seeing as I normally put three players in this section, I’ll also add USA Secretary of Defense, Tim Howard just because he’s great.

Prediction:  The absence of our athletic and talismanic captain will provide few problems for a United team with such an embarrassment of Richards (<<this idiot needs checking before posting.  DON’T FORGET THIS TIME!!  SERIOUSLY!!) in attacking positions.  Big Juan will replace him in that creative position that’s not quite a striker/not quite a midfielder and is most definitely not just a number.  This will give Big Robin and Big Radamel the not unwelcome problem of deciding in which order they will bang in Big Juan’s delicious setting-up passes, giving United a two goal lead at halftime.  Big Angel will score so quickly after the restart that he’ll get booked for embarrassing the whole of Liverpool, but will have the card immediately rescinded when the referee remembers how good his goal was against Lester.  Big Janice Shay will play his part later on in the match when he scores with an actual intentional free-kick, but then gets himself booked during his celebration for pulling some peri-peri chicken out of his sock and proposing to the nearest girl with a spray tan. 1-0 Everton.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

We all like Toffee – only a madman would deny that – but we don’t all like Everton. Why? Discuss.

Prediction: 7-4 United, Welbz with all 11.

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Brett:

There’s a film analogy that I refer to at this point that actually doesn’t really work, but because I deliver it in a prescribed quasi-intellectual way, I get away with it (Okay, not with all of you, but for the most part you’re all too polite to pull me up on it and there’s nothing wrong with that, it’s nice to be nice. And thank you). By the way, not to labour the point, but it’s the one – the film – where the fella does the thing that’s relevant to the current situation at United in a very abstract sort of a way. You know the one. Yeah, that one. Hey, well done you. You’ll be taking my job if I don’t wash my bach.

How can a team escape the clutches of father defeat when their leader, captain, talisman, officer, boss, councellor, dean, exec, eminence, forerunner, general, dignitary, ruler is missing from the frontiest of front lines? Probably via a goal storm of bibliobus proportions, on acount of playing a far superior player, but who’s counting?

Sunday’s opponents,  Everton, are made entirely out of toffee, which explains why sweet-tooth Suarez enjoyed the occasional nibble on players in blue shirts. Perhaps to avoid being misunderstood the next time he gets the urge, he should take a small hammer to them. Actually, though most of them are made entirely out of toffee, there are exceptions: Howard, who is made entirely out of tourettes. Baines, who is made entirely out of the Beatles. Jagielka, who is made entirely out of conventionally handsome. Tony Hibbert, who is made entirely out of his full name. Distan, who is made out of himself 30 years ago. Stones, who is made entirely out of lined a4 paper. Coleman, who is made entirely out of ready mix meals. Oviedo, who is made entirely out of betamax. Barry, who is made entirely out of Dairylea triangles. Gibson, who is made entirely out of the tears of Roy Keane. Pienaar, who is made entirely out of the tears of Tottenham. McGeady, who is made entirely out of battered mars bars. Barkley, who is made entirely out of unicorn burgers. Osman, who is made entirely out of my old school friend Mike Gavin. Eto’o, who is made entirely out of birthday cake. Naismith, who is made entirely out of Paul Dickov. And Lukaku, who is made entirely out of Mourinho’s dystopian vision of the near future.

Prediction: Danny with his customary three.

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

I think one thing that last season’s League collapse has done for most United fans  is make them more guarded. We’re currently nine points clear, the squad’s in good shape and we’re still challenging on three fronts. But I get the feeling that we take less for granted now. I look at every weekend, plan out scenarios and imagine how our lead will look at the end of it. Nine points is a healthy lead, but it’s not nearly enough to guarantee anything with three months of the season still to come.

We all know how rubbish that 4-4 felt last season, and the fact that it’s Everton visiting Old Trafford this weekend adds that extra layer of intensity to matters because of what that result meant for our season. But so far (touch wood), the manager and the team have seemed thoroughly determined to make sure such a collapse doesn’t happen again. Last weekend was perfect, sort of; Fulham played well, chances at both end, one piece of magic and we ground out a 1-0 win. That’s the biggest difference so far from last season; we’re battling. Just as well, because the match on Sunday will be a battle. Everton hadn’t won so much as a consolatory handshake at Old Trafford in ages before last year, and that result will make them think something along the lines of “hang on…..we can do something here.”

That’s why it’s hardly worth mentioning Real Madrid just yet. Not until 6pm on Sunday.

RVP’s been a little quiet on the goalscoring lately, so here’s hoping he can contribute to the scoresheet. Thank flip he returned from international duty without a scratch, too. Not that it’s the end of the world if he doesn’t score, considering that Rooney’s scored 5 goals in 4 games for club and country. He looks sharp, dangerous, focused and most importantly, fit. Great stuff.

If anyone has any clue as to who our best defensive pairing is at this stage, answers on a postcard, please.

Also, in defence of our little llama-faced goalkeeper, De Gea was superb against Fulham. The criticism after the Spurs match was crazy because he’s been much less culpable than our back four for the goals we’ve conceded this season. He’s got a massive week coming up, and I truly hope everyone gets behind him.

Sorry for the seriousness. That 4-4 still rankles like a perpetual cold, and even if we win this weekend, it’ll still be there. That’s why I cannot wait for this match to be done.

Prediction: Grind. That’s all I can foresee. 2-1, Gibson for Everton, late Rooney goal. That’d be quite lovely, given his record against them.

Brett:

After my abomination of a pre-match performance last week, I’m going straight…

We don’t need reminding of just how good Everton are do we? Good, cus I can’t remember. This game will be a good test and potentially one that nine point leads were established for. Yes, yes, I know I’m supposed to be the omni-grinning-always-positive-and-daft-gargoyle-you’re-all-mildly-irritated-by, BUT I’m also aware of how good Everton are. I just wish I could remember just HOW good (can you see a theme developing?).

They have quite a few players I’d like at United, which is always an indication of how much I respect a team. Fellaini will be a threat (if fit), having potentially rediscovered his goalscoring form, Baines has been super. Anichebe is playing so well, he’s keeping the Croatian Jellyfish out the team and other stuff I’ve forgotten (a recurring theme throughout this post – a great blogging device, especially in conjunction with a related killer conclusion).

For us, Rooney has the knack of scoring important goals back, and we’re now beyond reminding ourselves of what RVP bringeth. I would have expected a similar team, if not exactly the same, to the one that beat Fulham last week – possibly with Giggsy coming in for Nani -, had it not been for City’s result yesterday. Now, it’s all up in the air again.

I don’t remember what my memory based conclusion was going to be. *BOOM!* (Blogging gold)

Prediction: 3-2

Goals: All O.Gs