If we’d scored more, the scoreline would have been different. I learned that before, so don’t need to put it below. And also we’re not repeaterers.

Here is the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Winning 4-0 and staying in the cup is loads better than losing 2-1 and going out.

2. I like to pretend we beat Bradley Wiggins and each goal was actually a kick to his bollocks. Fun Wiggo fact: he loves The Jam.

3. Still think we should write The Two Tonys, a Miami based police show starring Tony M & V.

4. Only if their first case is the double-murder of Fellaini and Rooney.

5. Which they can’t be arsed solving.

6. Agreed. I’ll fetch my ink and parchment.

It was GGMU x Ghost of Fergie x Swashbuckle, as the mighty half dark Reds half light Reds gave the West of Ham one hell of a HAMMERing!**

United IRONed** out the crises (creases) in their match day output (outfit), as Zlatan HAMMERed** in a couple, and Tony M HAMMERed** in two also.

Elsewhere, Micky T continued to Kagawa his way through the season. And Bastian Schweinsteiger continued to make life look like one big walk in the park. That’s funny cos he walks in parks.

**Competition for our regular listeners: Spot the deliberate puns and win an exclusive day of Tom and Benno in your notifications.

Here’s 5 things we learned, apart from how to spell ‘sellotape':

1. Rooney is good.

2. Jones is good.

3. Rojo is good.

4. I don’t want to live on this planet anymore.

5. Let’s make this happen. Please.

6. I learnt nothing.

7. Aka got more important things do, now, than write words; forgetting how I was nobody before Brian discovered me cry wanking my way through life using subtweets as the conduit.

8. Uncanny.

9. I vote Paul out of this.

 (@Benglorious)

Fuck. Forgot we were playing.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I did not forget I just cba. It’s our professionalism that separates us from our peers. Copy and paste the last Fenerbahce one for us? Thanks guys, you’re the best (worst).

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

Lol my internet has been broke all day.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Rather cleverly, Brett has put a video in his bit that won’t play on my computer so I can’t ruin/steal his joke. This makes me think he’s got an adult to help him which is clearly against the rules that I just thought of. I also can’t ruin/steal Tom’s jokes because I have to ghostwrite his like some sort of writing ghost. How do ghosts even write if they can’t touch anything? Maybe they dictate to some sort of monster with fingers. I’ve forgotten my point.

m

Opposition summary: CSKA Moscow are the only team in the European League of Champions that I can’t think of a joke for because my dinner’s ready. 

Prediction:  Chicken and vegetables in a tomato and basil sauce with steamed rice and a cool glass of blackberry & apple squash. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Won’t have time, tonight or for Saturday – flat out at the minute pals

I’m sure YOU’LL come up with something pal

Plumbing on a Saturday? You? Something ain’t right here

Glol x

At WBA game innit

CLASS TRAITOR

WE TAKE THE PISS OUT OF FOOTBALL WE DON’T GO TO ACTUAL MATCHES

I’m going ironically

Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Four Martial goals per minute until the end of time as we know it. 1-o Sunderland.

Prediction: 

 .

 Brett (@tendencytoleaveyouneedingasewingkitforyoursides)

Three correct predictions in a row for me and that one up there, with the joke stealing face. If we get four in a row, then everyone who reads this wins at life. Apart from Benno and Tom.

I decided to do some re: search for this crucial, makey breaky, high-pressure … I’m gonna say … game?

The only thing on the whole of the internet about ‘Moscow’ was this music video below*, so I’m starting to doubt whether Moscow isn’t just a banter. Also, tbh, the young lady in the video isn’t even singing about Moscow, but another place called Moscau:

*Strangely enough, if you listen carefully, you can hear a baby alien crying out for a Michael (presumably Carrick). Maybe it’s a sign from a parallel Universe, who don’t have a clue what they’re talking about, to play him…?

Prediction: Danny with his custard and ice cream. Don’t tell Wenger. Hashtag Vangle out, out. As in, in. 0-0 United.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1) Better Rooneys:

a) Mickey.

a2) Anyone else with that name.

1) Should put out a missing persons notice for Darmian.

6) The tweet of Basti and Ramsey with ‘Bitch, please’ getting triple figures is really fucking stupid when you’ve lost 3-0.

7) Triple figures doesn’t mean 3.

8) Family birthday parties are better than watching us get beat. Just.

9) One of us is called ‘Just’.

10) International breaks every week could work.

11) The FBA judges are flammable.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It would appear I hadn’t fixed my computer as well as I thought I had this lunchtime. I’m doing my words now but I’m cutting it very close. Yours twos had better be good cos I’ve got nothing lol. Prolly have to use an old pic, the Basti one cos of the Germans. The fans will be gutted.

m

Opposition summary: This isn’t Whatsapp.

Prediction: Neither is this. 0-0 United.

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

‘Wolfsburg’ means ‘Wolves town’ and upon further research, its literally the birthplace of all wolves, including rhampton Wanderers, Winston, that guy from 90s Gladiators (Wolf) and Ghost, the best wolf from Game of Thrones, even though he was the like the runt of the litter. It is NOT the birthplace of Bonfire of the Vanities author, Tom Wolfe, despite his protestations to the contrary (he was born in Richmond, Virginia) It’s also the Headquarters of VW; I’m not saying expect skullduggery, just that they do have previous.

This week’s reviews:

Scientology: Going clear and the Prison of Belief

Almost too many lols although I don’t want to anger Emperor Xeno or David Miscavige. Tom Cruise is impressive as per – you totally believe he’s an insane weirdo. That aside, pretty good.

Aliens on the Moon: The truth exposed

It wasn’t. Includes the line “we took the photos to some of the brightest minds on our planet”. That aside, pretty good (but good/bad)

Prediction: Seem to remember actually playing and beating them before in CL but this might be a dream – in it Carrick scored the winner. Still, now that Captain Fatastic is back knocking them in, sure we’ll score at least 1 goals and as long as they don’t score more than that 1 goals, we should edge it by a margin of 1 goals to no goals. Martial Hat-trick, 2-0 United, Nasri for Rooney 69th minute. 

.

  Brett (@_ii)

So embarrassed for Wolfsburg and their Visible Footy Line. AND it’s Wolves, you illiterate cretins.

Last time we played this lot Michael Owen did a hat-trick and the Wolvesburg witchdoctor retrospectively cursed him so he would never wear hats without lookng like a tool.

Witchdoctor? Idk.

Their star player, Michael J Fox, is gonna shake David de hey ya like a Polaroid picture, by attempting to make him meet his momma (who he blates tried to cop off with in that film: Back to the Futon in the Spare Room – shortened to MILF upon its European release). Little does he know, Dave just wants to see them come-a. Idgi.

Do roses really smell like poo?

Prediction: Danny with his cuz. Can’t believe it can you? You think you know someone. Vangle’s boys to give Steve Bull’s lads one hell of a silver bulleting. 0-0. I’m sorry Ms Jackson, I am for real.