m

(@Benglorious)

It was my job this week to look up what ‘Albion’ meant. So, today we are playing Brighton and Past Tense of Heave England or Britain. No wonder nobody likes them.

Prediction: Ole makes it seven out of seven in a seven goal drubbing of poor old Brighton. Mourinho takes the credit. 0 – 0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Why is my face still Rooney? Who the fuck knows but I’m pretty sure these two jerkoffs are to blame.

I don’t know where Brighton & Hove is and I don’t care to (side note: I had to look up ‘to or too’ as I’m old and had forgotten – this’ll happen to you when you hit 40 – and the first explanation told me ‘two’ is also pronounced ‘to’ but can’t be used as it was a number who knew lol)

Titans (2019)

Robin has left batman (he was always the little spoon) and become a police cop. Through his detective cop filth narc work he makes friends with some guys with badass powers (one can turn into a green tiger better camouflage in North America imho) and they have adventures and also Krypto Superdog is in it. I liked it. That aside etc

Prediction: 8-0 to us thats how confident i am rn

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Have Hove dropped off the map? This researcher says ‘Yes’. Their Wikipedia page has been deleted. Google Maps fails to find them and the new AA Road map has a blank hole where the once great town of Hove used to be. This conurbation conspiracy goes right to the very top. Chris ‘Leland Palmer’ Houghton has some questions to answer. And this researcher won’t stop untiOh wait… internet signal had dropped. Wikipedia page is there. And there they are on Google maps. That hole in the AA road map was where I had cut eye holes for my detective work. Drat.

Prediction: Glenn Murray to postpone any goals this week out of respect for Andy Murray. lol cos of last week’s predictions. 0-0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words).

Prediction: Well, Howdy partner. I didn’t (do words) also won’t (do words). 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

‘Who is the best Ham’? is a question that has plagued mankind since we first met pigs and subsequently ate them. In this essay I will try to answer this enigma wrapped inside yet another smaller enigma, itself hiding within Brett’s spleen and/or hairline either way surgery is probably necessary sorry Brett i didn’t invent science.

Fulham:

1. Fully invested in Ham, have to admire how they’ve nailed their colours to this particular pork mast (not prison slang)

2. Nothing else. Literally nobody knows anything about Fulham, I would be surprised and disappointed if their own supporters do.

West Ham:

1. Lol

2. Further lols

Gotham:

1. I like the arrogance; ‘Got Ham’ like a boast and a taunt (to those without ham)

2. Birthplace of Batman

3. A wonderful city full of dreamy police commissioners and delightful characters.

4. I think we can all agree the contest is over now.

Prediction: Someone to do something does anybody give a fuck anymore 1-1 Lukaku scores after falling down some stairs.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

I don’t agree the contest is over…

Babycham:

1. Though it’s not clear from the file notes what happened to Babyaham, or Babybham – that have been conveniently filed in Yale University’s archives and are inaccessible until the year 2050 – we can assume that in the absence of Babydham through to Babyzham that Babycham was such a successful ham that no further ham was necessary.

Tottenham:

1. What’s with the infant theme?

Prediction: 2-1 United the piano follows up on the first Lukaku goal (see above) with a last minute diving lid.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Refusing to do a preview after Tom smashed it last game. Let’s see him do it again.

m

Opposition summary: PSV do football.

Prediction:  I don’t have a point to forget. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Chapter 2

McGhee opened his eyes cautiously; despite being the sole passenger on Air Force One, a lifetime at the School of hard knocks and detective skills had left him with an almost preternatural sense of things being ever so slightly amiss. The last 24 hours came rushing back to him like a bolt – deep down he’d always known this day would come, but why now, why Saigon? He just wasn’t that guy anymore, the steamy jungles and Charlie were his past goddammit, the private detective agency he’d founded was his second chance! McGhee punched the arm of his luxury chair in frustration “Goddammit” he whispered between his teeth, echoing the previous goddammit he’d said in his head.

He needed a drink. And time to think. Noticing those two things rhymed brought a wry smile to his weathered face. He wondered, would he be smiling when this was all over…

Detecting a slight movement in the plane – a movement imperceptible to any man not combat trained to like level 28 – McGhee interrupted his own reverie with more thoughts: who was this mysterious dame that had got Obama and the UN so spooked? Why was he, essentially the perfect killing machine but on land i.e. not a shark, being sent into Vietnam to investigate these disappearances? Did they need him for the detective skills that had seen him twice grace the cover of Best Detective Weekly and get an award from Batman? Or did they hope that beneath his icy demeanour, there still beat the warrior’s heart that had earned him the name El Guapo Loco? One thing was for sure – he’d probably find out the hard way….

Prediction:  There’s a game on? Lol. Of course there is, against that submersible captained by the guy from Jaws. You get new jokes. Gonna be a real barn-stormer tonight lads, liquid goals which will then solidify into actual goals. 4-0 United, Memphis to score all 6. If he plays and isn’t shooting the remake of Enter the Dragon. That aside, pretty good.

 .

 Brett (@entionstarved)

He did it again. Nice one Benno. What a selfish towel.

Prediction: Book deal. Film adaptation. An invitation to the plastic pantomime with their promises crafted from the evaporating tears of a unicorn. A ride on the merry-go-round of debauchery, in the backfield’s recreational ground of fame.  Jammy git.  

Secondly: Given the debacle that was the UETFA World Cup (I still can’t believe they built that stadium in the middle of nowhere) and the fallout that followed, it seemed Time And Fruit was done. Finished. Tossed aside like a made-up internet thing who’s creator simply lost interest because he found a series of comics he hadn’t read. Anyway, thats all in the past and with Sky announcing a new TV deal for the 2015 summer season, now seems as good a time as any to re-introduce Time And Fruit as the true sport of kings (Literally: George V ruddy loved it)

To this end, I was given free rein in the Westminster UETFA archives and the rich tapestry therein…

‘Those familiar with the founding father of Time And Fruit will undoubtedly already be aware of Sir Alf Wattlendaub’s now legendary inaugural games of 1910; what you may not know is that this was a direct response to the growing threat of World War and was subliminally pushing the idea of rationing (hence the ‘5-a-day’ rule)* With Sir Alf being the games clear winner (his nickname of ‘Apple Alf’ being a wry nod to his now patented ‘2.36, Apple’ move…hard now to imagine the effect that had on the game), this huge crowd favourite and league champion’s (1910-1918) lasting legacy was his abolition of the class system within the sport. Indeed, his first act as Lord Chief Warden of Fruit was to dismantle the strict ‘Old Boys’ network and open the game up to the lower classes (Up until 1912, East London was rife with illegal fruit-dens where the working man could gamble his meagre weekly wage but always under the threat of the rope if caught). It was not a popular move amongst the aristocracy and the 1920s were a mire of infighting and backstabbing as a once great sport that had united a nation started to alienate even its most staunch defenders: “When has fruit ever been worth this?” they could have possibly cried.’

Its around here that the archives get a little hazy on detail – a lot of the late 30s/40s is still filed as MoD classified documents and it would be wrong to speculate. The next extract is only included because of its relation to globalisation and how much wealthy billionaires invested in ‘mankind’s future’ whilst really playing Time And Fruit.

‘Known to only those in the inner circle of UETFA, the Boeing 747 was initially commissioned by Sir Quentin Yacht-Smythe to produce a plane large enough to carry rare and exotic fruit from all over the globe (originally there was only going to be one and it would land at his house; a sprawling country estate where the main house was constructed out of Guava halves) in a bid to re-ignite interest in the sport after the drab war years. The effect was immediate, leading UETFA to amend the fruit allowance records for the first time in their history** as the sudden insurgence of multiple fruits made the 5-a-day rule seem badly outmoded, and the public went wild – some people suggest the ‘swinging sixties’ and the resultant London scene, often  attributed to no-hopers like The Beatles, was actually caused by this fruit liberation. The plane was eventually put into mass production (UETFA went the Alec Guiness/Star Wars royalty route. Inspired) and apparently flies people to holiday destinations all around the world’

* This was originally sold as a decision based on lack of telecommunications; carrier pigeons were used to send pencil drawings of “outlandish” fruits (Kiwi, Mango etc) where visual evidence was needed. All pictures were stored in the Archives until 1914 when the distraction of war allowed Hans Gruber to access said pictures and steal them. This lead to the withdrawal of the governing body from the sports frontlines, with no existing player allowed entrance to the hallowed halls. Gruber was never caught due to diplomatic immunity. Was eventually killed by John McClane.

** The 5-a-day rule was re-introduced with the sport becoming more professional in the late 70s.

For further reading:

Sir Alf  Wattlendaub ‘Apples and Pears don’t mean Stairs’ (Penguin books, 1948)

Sir Quentin Yacht-Smythe ‘I was the original Bruce Wayne’ (Quentin’s Books, 1972)

Mickey Rolls ‘From Street Urchin to Gold medal: a barrow boy’s story’ (Picador, 1966)

Tom McGhee ‘Please send help’ (Macbook, 2015)