(@Benglorious)

This has been the worst summer ever. Not only did I get invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ, but also the only thing on telly for the whole 3 months was Danny Dyer’s daughter getting pumped. *phone rings* …….. …….. What the fuck is a world cup?

The WhatsApp joke that Brett mentioned once you read it in the future was actually stolen from a Twitter DM group, which in turn had half-inched it from a Facebook chat, which in turn had purloined it from MySpace circa 2004.

Prediction: Benno to win the bet that he couldn’t use the words ‘purloined’ and ‘circa’ in the same sentence. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Whilst popular social media platform Twitter dot com is in full meltdown over the coming season, I think I speak for all of us or just myself or maybe somebody else ie a janitor here at Bifurcated Towers when i suggest there’s plenty to be optimistic about. Using a system of numbers I’ve decided to call ‘Maths’, I can prove without question or doubt or questionable doubt that we will again finish second and the gap will be closer. How close? This is where the numbers (Maths) come in:

last season we were 19pts adrift (probably. it may’ve been more or less) and we had 5 targets this summer.  Logically, that means each signing was worth an intended 3.8pts. Having signed just the two players, this means we’ll be 7.6pts better off at the end of the season. But wait, I hear Paul cry, City signed Mahrez, your whole goddam system (Paul is much more brutal irl) is drastically flawed. Shut up Paul, you are so stupid. Thats where the masterstroke of signing a keeper comes in – he completely cancels out Mahrez (Mahrez makes or scores goals, Grant saves them) If you also take into consideration I went to school with a lad called Grant Lee, the man responsible for my lifetime Vietnam obsession, it only strengthens my case. Throw in Chievas Regal (who legit sounds like he could’ve been an awesome player if he wasn’t a whiskey), thats an additional 3.8pts meaning we’ll definitely finish second by the much closer margin of 19 – 11.4 ie 12 = 7pts. Which brings me onto my 9th point, which I forget. God, I’ve missed this.

Prediction: United to win the game 2-1 but lose the hearts and minds (too soon) of more supporters, the real heroes lol fucking idiots. Also, don’t check the maths.

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

This has been the best summer ever. I was not invited to Tom’s “house” for the annual Bifurcated BBQ.

I used my saved up summer joke in our WhatsApp convo before this, so, I’m going to repeat it here, so, it’s not wasted on those us. So, we were talking about the new season and Benno said “can’t believe they are renewing it [sic] tbqfhwy”, and I said “ReOLDing it more like”. Cos it’s the same OLD thing. I actually said “reOLDing is more like”, but that was a typo and they got that, cos they know me like.

Also, I just used [sic] which is a sign of the more up-market things to come from Bifurcated this season.*

*This week. We will anti-love football again after August 10th 2002.

Prediction: Tom to WhatsApp me and Benno to tell us that he got the name of that lad from school wrong  before I write this in the future. Friday is not a football day. All goals and points don’t count in the final count up of goals and points. Red cards carried over and count double double double double double if Fellaini. 0-0 United Team.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s FA Cup day!! The ultimate pinnacle conclusive game of the season, and we’re in it! This is the payoff we deserve after a hard-fought season, full of ups and downs and shimmys and shakes.

*phone rings* “Hello, thanks for calling Bifurcated. How may I help you on this fine day of football?…………Semi-final, you say?……..So, what – like just one half?…………ANOTHER GAME?!? Do we need to w…………And it’s Watford or Palace nex………….What do you mean there’s still league gam……….Well, there’s no need for abuse; it was an honest mistake that anyone cou……. ……. ……. …….. ……. ………Listen, even if I could fit one of those in that particular hole, why on earth would I want to? You’re sick in the head, pal. Proper twisted…….. ……… ……… …….. Yeah, okay. See you on Sunday…….Bye, Mum.”

I’m guessing you all got that.

Opposition Summary: Everton were founded by a sweet seller, who got kicked out of Anfield for allegedly passing bad sherbet lemons, in a bid to get revenge. He’s still waiting. They have nice blue shirts but then so do a lot of teams. I mean A LOT. It’s not like there’s an almost unlimited amount of colours to choose from, lads. You’re just being lazy.  

Prediction: Vangle will counter the zero defence tactic employed by Martinez by not playing any forwards. Goals for Smalling and Darmian (yeah, him) and one for Rooney once he goes in goal. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words I’m driving.

KFC (2016)

Despite getting a ‘ricebox’ with sauce (BBQ – the worst sauce) it was actually good (unlike London which = bad) that aside etc.

Prediction: 70-0 United. That’s how much I believe in LVG’s FA Cup United.

.

 Brett(@ttackattackattack)

Us often get asked how us at Bifurcated stay grounded, what with all the talentness and handsomeness and charismaticness and lolsness: “why don’t you take a surf on the gold-leafed unicorn of mother fame to the neon pantheon of football writering hammer-legends in the sky with diamonds you deserve?” they say on the streets of all the cities … well, it’s because being a celebrity nowadays gets you all dead; being dead is Brett’s thing and his alone, and we wouldn’t want to alter the carefully-constructed narrative of this pseudo-intellectual contrivance innit.

Roberto Martinez has been working hard to combat having no centre-backs available for today, dedicating hours on the training ground to making sure all playing and back-room staff cross their fingers that Roondog plays.

The last time we won the FA Cup, none of our childhood heroes even knew what the word paedophile meant. Makes you think.

Prediction: Everton have no form, no confidence, no luck, no centre-backs, no faith in their manager, no support from their fans. But Vangle. 0-0 United (Everton win 1-0 on pens after midnight)