Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s finally matchday again after what felt like a six month international break.  In reality it was only three months, but away goals count double.  Aston Villa are the visitors to Old Trafford today, and they have a different manager from when we last played them.  Tim of Sherwood may have left his outlaw days behind him, but he still brings to the table the same determination and passion that helped him stand up for the disadvantaged against the Sheriff of Nottingham’s tyranny.

Vangle’s boys are on the up and up at the moment, and the euphoria from beating Liverpool all those weeks ago has carried the team on to win the World Cup, become the frontrunners in the General Election and also secure the Oscar for Best Original Song.  What a season we’re having.

Prediction:  The Lord Mayor of Manchester, Protector of the Realm and All-Round Top Bloke, Sir Juan Mata, is key today.  Like Jesus before him, Mata was put on the Earth to save mankind and craft fine coffee tables from mahogany.  He’s also got bare skills.  These skills, or “skillz” if you prefer, are what Villa are going to have to deal with today if they want to get anything out of this game other than a complementary set of walnut coasters.  Unfortunately for them, Mata will be having none of it, and he will dominate this game by setting up goals for Young and Rooney before grabbing one for himself with a backheel-overhead-cartwheel-barrel roll-triple salchow-acker ping volley right into top bangs.  1-0 Villa.

Those among you who only visit this site for the epic greatness of the acrostics will have to tell your disappointment to suck it:  There’s no more players to immortalise.  Instead, I’m trying a new section about some of United’s legends.  I’m just hoping there’s enough ex-players to see me through to the end of the season.  Feedback is welcome, especially when it’s as cool as the start of Plug In Baby.

WHERE ARE THEY RIGHT NOW?

Massimo Taibi

 Buying a rake.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

In a betrayal akin to 9/11, I’ve gone to actual Manchester leaving those two sucker-chumps to deal with the police enquiry.

Prediction:  Brett to cop a plea of insanity and Benno to go on the lam to South America – most likely Portugal, Officer.  4-1 United.

Brett (@JailRegrettingHiringThoseTwoIdiots)

Benno (@Benglorious)

It’s all excitement and joy today in Bifurcated Towers as myself and Tom (the guy with the preview below mine that you always skip over to get to Brett’s little piece of insanity) are actually visiting the Theatre of Dreams in actual real life and stuff.  Apparently, the previews we write are for actual real games and this is one of them.   We don’t know why Brett isn’t coming, but we both thank him for paying for our tickets with that money that I told him was for Bifurcated-headed stationery.

The thing about today’s trip is that we will be “tourist fans”, which, according to a certain fanzine that shall remain nameless, are the worst thing in the world and it’s our fault that the, hmmm, “R-Issue” had to close down.  “The Red-I” (that sounds way cooler) also took issue with families being happy but we’re neither of those things so they can’t be mad at us for that.  My personal theory, however, is that because we’ll be gaining entry with Season Tickets, we are actually “real fans” and because there’s only 55,000 real fans in the whole world, we are better than the rest of you plastics who probably live in Essex and think you’re real fans because you write for a United website.

Prediction:  After the 3-1  victory in the return fixture last year, Vangle will be looking to Di Maria to replicate his goal-of-the-season-contender from that game.  Literally.  Like, if he doesn’t copy it exactly he will be shipped out with Anderson to be his in-flight snack.  Carrick’s out injured for the first time in his United career so whoever his replacement is will replace him.  Rooney will score two to add to Angel’s earlier doppelgoäler giving us a comfortable three-goal win.  1-0 Leicester.

Chris is a big fan of fancy dress, stained glass windows and the diaries of George Washington:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Who is this?

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Benno (@Benglorious)

Coming off a defeat at home to Southampton last week, it’s easy to understand people’s frustrations starting to boil to the surface.  Van Gaal has, and has had from the start of his tenure, more leeway than the previous manager of Manchester United purely because of his outstanding achievements in the sport.  David Moyes was always on a hiding to nothing unless he seamlessly continued Sir Alex Ferguson’s legacy, but Van Gaal’s teams have arguably been producing similarly disappointing football this season.  Have there been calls for Louis to lose his job?  I imagine there have been, but this is not the majority view amongst supporters.  There is a feeling that United are building to something special, and that if only the right combination of players playing in the right formation can be found the fog will lift and we will be back challenging for the title again where we belong.

Van Gaal seems set, for the time being, on using the 3-5-2 even though it hasn’t been yielding the results we’d all love to see.  Paul Scholes said some interesting things about this formation earlier in the week; how it’s excellent for keeping possession, but limits your own team from creating goalscoring chances whilst giving the opposition more scope to do just that if you don’t have the right players in the system.  It would appear that we don’t have the right players at the moment, but this isn’t Van Gaal’s first rodeo.  If he doesn’t bring in any new blood during this transfer window, why wouldn’t he be coaching the current team to adapt to this formation that he’s so keen on?  The problem is time.  The only real way to drill this formation and its nuances into the players is to play it constantly against other teams.  Unfortunately for United, those other teams aren’t going to be sympathetic as all the games are part of competitions.  Perhaps this is the reason Louis is so keen for United to participate in “lucrative” midweek friendlies as they’d be the perfect opportunity to cement the system he appears so loathe to dismiss.  If Van Gaal can get this formation to click, through hook or by crook, then surely this will vindicate all the feelings about being on the verge of something special.  Only time will tell.  *drops mic* *realises it’s the same mic I dropped last week as it shatters into nineteen pieces and will set back the Bifurcated petty cash another £19.99* *realises that this means there’ll be no Christmas party this year* *sighs with relief*

Prediction:  LVG 2 pl4y a 3-5-2 at QPR.  IDK.  1-0 Queens Park Rangers.

Ladies’ man Marouane enjoys listening to Elbow, watching Bloodsport and growing trees:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Harry Redknapp is Jabba the Hutt; one can only assume he faked his sailbarge choking and has been living here ever since. As such he must be held accountable for his heinous crimes (animal cruelty – Rancor – encasing cool pirates in carbonite, not dealing with a Jedi with more common sense etc) and therefore I won’t give him or his ridiculously titled team the publicity he craves – no matter how many second hand cars he throws  my way. And this isn’t an excuse just because I hate QPR and know nothing about them. I also wanted to link the Bottom clip where Richie and Eddie argue about scattering ashes on the pitch but I don’t know how. So just imagine it, its hilarious.

We may play some football, its getting increasingly hard to tell.

Prediction: Rickets.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

By the time you read this I’ll be gone

to work.

If a flannel of a football coacher man eating a crisp is hailed a ledgernd, surely a towel of a man like myself stands to be crowned king owner big fish of all the earthers? My diet this week has included a mince pie for breakfast, twice, and one morning the rare treat of a tomato. And dinners of: rice and mustard, a pickled onion sandwich, a ketchup sandwich, and a mango chutney sandwich. I ran out of fillings at one point, so decided to invent the future: the bread sandwich.

Anyway, just showing off, let’s talk soccers…

QPRFC (Pronounced qwerperruheffsea. Probably.) were established when Shaun Wright-Phillips accidentally leaned on a keyboard while playing in his dad’s underground war bunker. Since then they have gone about their business in a very business like manner. Filing tax returns within the necessary deadlines, and providing petty cash for buying rich tea biscuits for the lads in the office, probably. idk.

As for the mighty reds with white bits and a bit of black, I’ve worked out Vangle’s philosophy …

If no-one knows your own game you can never be beaten at your own game.

Makes you think.

Prediction: Scurvy.

For a list of all the recipes from this week’s show send an email and full credit card details (including the 3-digit number off the back of the signature strip) to: foodie[at]bifurcated.co.uk

Benno (@Benglorious)

Southampton are yet another of those teams that played Sunderland one day and stole their kits.  Seriously:  why do so many teams have the same kits?  I may be colour-blind, but even I know there’s enough colours in a set of Crayolas for every team to have a different colour shirt.  Southampton could easily have a Burnt Sienna home shirt and a Jazzberry Jam away one.  They could even do a third strip in Wild Blue Yonder if they wanted a little change every now and then.  I bet Kappa would be interested in this.

Southampton have a long-standing tradition of playing their games in a city that, by some unbelievable coincidence, is also called Southampton.  Their stadium is called something but that’s not important because they’re not playing there today.  They’ll be driving the forty or so miles to Manchester to play at Old Trafford, which is actually quite old in dog years even though bits of it are quite shiny and built using very contemporary techniques including pit ponies and stealth bombers.

Players to watch out for today are Victor Wagamama, Pelé and Craiiiiiiiig David.

Prediction:  It’s Hollandman versus Netherlandian in the battle of the managers today.  Big Ron and Flatface Louis will slug it out to see who can emerge victorious.  Not literally; they’ll actually just be pretty much sitting on their arses for ninety minutes whilst the players do all the hard work but the managers will still take all the credit.  Hardly seems fair, right?  Tough shit.  Thems the breaks and if you don’t like it, go and watch darts or wrestling with the other morons.  *drops mic* 1-0 Southampton.

Big Tony V loves breaking shins but do you know what else he loves?  Rabbits, French cheeses and the collected works of Charles Dickens:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

The Titanic sailed from Southampton. And for just 100 instalments of £8.99, you too can have a 1:1 replica of the ill-fated deathtrap. Cast from metal actually recovered from the wreck, it features working lights (that go out after you start taking on water) and lifeboats that can’t be deployed – Order now and get the Iceberg and complimentary band* FREE!

Are we even playing Southampton? Other thoughts: the Ant-Man trailer was disappointing. And why don’t socks get holes in at the same time? Are we to believe, like, that one foot does more work?

*Also available to purchase separately for £49.99 each (RRP £89.99) Alternatively, if you can make frozen water (or “ice”) yourself, just have fun with it.

Prediction: United to win by virtue of goals scored. Gonna go with 4-0 with Falcao scoring all 5 and Nasri for Rooney at 63 mins.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I’ve got no time to write this now cos of those two primarkdonnas hogging the editing suite. The rumour around the bifurcated office is that Bob writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that Ted writes his previews in front of the mirror. And that they also both spend hours in front of the mirror when they’re not doing previews: like when they’re eating toast, or sharpening pencil crayons (I didn’t have the time to think of other narcissistic scenarios).

Ronald Koeman looks a bit like Eric from Guess Who. And Vangle looks a bit like a kebab. I don’t know, I’m just freestyling this like a maverick genius, or reading some old notes I had on my phone from earlier this week. Not sure tbh…

Prediction: Ted and Bob to become famous and forget about me ffs. Me, the one who gave them their first leg up ffs. When they were nothing ffs. Literally nothing ffs. A pair of annoying trolls ffs. Ruining Twitter for everyone else ffs. Can you believe they’d do this to me ffs? After all I’ve done for them ffs. This is the way they repay me ffs. ffs.

.

Note to self: adding ffs to the end of multiple short sentences doesn’t really pad out your word count sufficiently enough to make it worth your while. But, gold star for effort. What with the time thing and all. Thanks. Don’t mention it. I won’t. You just did. You. You. Okay, definitely enough padding now.

Benno (@Benglorious)

Yeovil is a very interesting word, etymologically (check that this is the word one and not the insect one) speaking.  Yeo-Vil.  Anyone who’s everyone knows that “vil” stems from “ville” so it must mean “town“, and no-one who’s someone has seen Brian De Palma’s Scarface (1983) so we all know what “Yeo” has its roots in.  In summation; as soon as I’ve finished writing this I’m checking out Yeovillian house prices.

Seeing as I’m going to be the first “preview” read out of the three, I’ll make some weak gag about the “magic of the cup” and then everybody will think the other two are nicking my ideas.  Cups, eh?  Some are magic.  These should be avoided.

Prediction:  A victory here today for Vangle’s boys would see them leap ahead of teams like Bayern Munich, Barcelona and Real Madrid in terms of FA Cup matches won.  It’s Vangle’s debut FA Cup game as well, so a win over the League One side would mean he’ll have a better record than Guardiola and Hitzfeld combined.  No mean feat.  Team selection will be tricky today as the whole squad will be eager to showcase their talents against the mighty Glovers.  Rooney will definitely maybe play as he’s our glorious and loyal captain, so he’ll score two goals.  Yeovil will display courage that far belies their current divisional standing, but the introduction of Di Maria after his recent lay-off will prove too much for them, and the Argentine will round off proceedings with a brace of his own to put United into the draw for the Fourth Round.  1-0 Yeovil.

Ashley really enjoys- maintaining his allotment, reading about the US Civil War and milk:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

No idea what this game is about to be honest – FA isn’t even a real word and I can’t find an explanation anywhere – and all this ‘Magic of the cup’ malarkey doesn’t even sound very fair; at best one team is bound to have better magic (depending on their relative Mage strength/D18 + 4 spell casting/financial clout) and at worst could lead to the type of events we all witnessed in that horrific wizard snuff film, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire. I don’t think any game is worth that.

Anyway,  in the interest of…well, no-one really (sorry Paul), better at least google Yeovil. This is as close as I could get. The only other piece of relevant information I can add is that Bumblebee is also Yellow and he’s one of the good guys. Although not the loveable VW Beetle he was in the original series. Why change it Michael? Why make Devastator have metal testicles? They’re robots in disguise fighting a war that’s lasted centuries…they don’t have kids. It’s this kind of mistake which ruined the Franchise. Well that and the awful stories and casting McDreamy as a bad guy – he’s the best brain surgeon in the country Michael, what were you thinking? Liked him in Grey’s though….although that Meredith would drive anyone crazy. And Christina?! Please….she should’ve stayed with Owen. Remember the singing episode? How we laughed….But there were sad times too…remember when Pinky Toscadero crashed his motorcycle into Arnold’s?

Just in case they are a football team and not a colour, we should win by so many goals its not even funny. Been told they can’t keep possession, all their goals are accidents and that their only striker is injured after getting battered in the Orient (no idea why they were there – we’ve well tied up that corner of the market) but this is tempered by the fact this person willingly watches these games. So either way then.

24-0. Falcao, Wilson and RVP take it in actual turns, Wayne tries that chip a record number of times, finally laying to rest the ghost of Fulham cross stats.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I’ve used up all my material for this weekend’s preview in one truly brilliant tweet that did big numbers. So, I’m just gonna let the brain jazz and the kick sport science flow through my fingers and scat write; they don’t call me the Somerset scatologist for nothing … and see what genius co

I’ve been trying to find about this ‘Magic of the Cup’ that all you bumbaclarts keep referring about, but no Croations with that name show up on Wikipizzle, even as a dishimbuggerinnation. Not even gonna pretend to look anywhere else. I didn’t even look there to be honest, so that would only negate my initial laziness and force me to feel good about myself for a change. Yuck.

Points West – our very local unintentionally-self-satirising-not-really-news programme – have taken it upon themselves to patronise Yeovil all week, so I don’t have to. As a resident of the city of Bristol – aka the London of the South-West, aka where all the people who aren’t good enough for London live – I can perhaps provide a bit of insight into the make-up of the Yeovil team, shed some light on the footballing culture of this Somerset outpost, and maybe introduce you to a few of their tactical nuances. I can’t.

Prediction: Vangle to get a brand new combine harvester an’ he’ll give Roo the key. Come on Falcao let’s net together in perfecOwww! My Knee! 

Note to self: find out what ‘big numbers’, ‘material’ and ‘preview’ mean. And ask Mum where I live.

Benno (@Benglorious)

There’s two good things about not having an enforced winter break in the Premiership League:  Firstly, there’s lots of games in a short period of time; and twoly, in a short period of time there are a lot of games.  Unfortunately, there’s also two bad things about footballs during Christmas:  Onely, there’s far too many games in such a short period of time; and secondly, because of this deluge of games, us seasoned football writers have a heavily increased workload whilst you “normals” get to relax and enjoy yourselves all the time.

Tottingham Hottenspurs are the opponents today, and they are a football team.  What else, what else?  Oh, they have white shirts and they wear shorts which are dark-coloured but aren’t black or even a slightly darker black.  They must be brown or purple.  I guess we’ll never really know.

Players to watch out for include Jimmy Greaves, Charles Hodges and David Peacock.  Go on, I’ll wait.

Prediction:  A win today will smash Real Madrid’s record of fourteen thousand  wins in a row.  Di Maria is probably not going to play due to his pelvis giving his legs the silent treatment after a row about whose turn it is to clean out the fishtank.  Falcao probably WILL play because his pelvis and legs are stronger than ever after renewing their vows in the Seychelles on Christmas Day.  This means that Radizzamel will score nice and early before teeing up Robizzin to give United a two-goal lead at the break.  Rizzooney will carry on his excellent recent form with yet another goal before United concede their first goal of the season when, I don’t know, Ruel Fox grabs a late consolation for the Spurs.  1-0 Tottenham.

When Adnan’s not twisting defenders into ever increasingly bizarre shapes, he likes nothing more than waterslides, Weston-super-Mare and Portuguese-style chicken:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

We didn’t have footballs in ‘Nam.  We used grenades.  Or human heads.  Whichever was funnier.

Prediction:  Optimus Prime with the 96th minute, Roy-of-the-Autobots-style-put-your-body-on-the-line-for-the-sake-of-the-team-to-the-detriment-of-your-future winning goal we’ve come to know and love from the big man.

.

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

I only pretend I don’t know their names.  Bob’s my favourite unless Terry is reading this.  In that case, I’m my favourite and Bob’s second.

Prediction: Me to come up with something absolutely genius – as per, so that I only pretend I don’t know their names.  Bob’s my favourite unless Terry is reading this.  In that case, I’m my favourite and Bob’s second what Bob wrote as my match preview, will never see the light of day.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I haven’t done one because I don’t work on Jesus Birthday but I’m sick of these two putting words in my mouth something something Optimus Prime something Star Wars something Nasri for Rooney. I don’t know why this is in bold band massive.

Prediction: Font changes back to…smaller….Some goals are either scored or not scored but we definitely win. Although again, this will depend on the goals scored. Let’s say 3.

.

Benno (@Benglorious):

Just found out today (that’s fourteen days ago if you’re reading this in a fortnight) that there’s no rest for the wicked (“wicked” as in 90’s sk8er (it’s a cool way of saying “skater” but you use the figure “8” instead of the “ate” sound in “skater”) slang for “good” and not the normal evil meaning) over the festive period, and so United have to play Boxing Day.  They’ll actually be playing football and not boxing each other despite the day’s misleading name.  Boxing Day actually has nothing to do with sport of any kind, but is named after the Chinese (see how easy that was to say, Mr Whelan?) legend Bo Xing who invented turkey curry and charades.

Newcastle are the visitors today.  You’ll know them by the black and white shirts they’ll be wearing and also because they’re the team that aren’t United.  Well, they technically ARE a United, but seeing as this is a Manchester United website (is that right?) all references to United should be taken as read in reference to United.  Manchester United and not Newcastle, who are also a United but aren’t Manchester United.  They’re Newcastle United.  They are NOT Manchester United.

Players to watch out for are Gabriel Obertan, Shaka Hislop and Tony Blair.

Prediction: After last week’s trouncing of Villa, Vangle will be looking to hit the thousand mark with his unbeaten streak.  Newcastle, after a recent poor run of games, will be very cagey to start with and United will find them difficult to break down.  A soft penalty decision, with the kick converted easily by Robin, will be the only difference between the two teams at halftime.  Pardew will change his tactics for the second half, and this will give Falcao the freedom he needs up front to bag his first brace in a United shirt: the first, a scorching left-footed half-volley into the top corner from thirty yards out; and the second, a deft back-heeled flick in off the post from fifty-five yards out.  Newcastle will then be distracted by a horse punching a fan, and Shaw will score his first ever United goal to complete the rout.  1-0 Newcastle.

United’s newest Hollandman, Daley Blind, lists his likes as falconry, Northumberland and collecting thimbles:

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

Aahhh, the trad Boxing Day game (‘trad’ is a cool way of saying ‘traditional’, it’s kind of shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period). I’m not sure what’s so traditional about it, I’m guessing players from The Premier League swap turkey sandwiches and are allowed to play in their xmas (‘xmas’ is a cool way of saying ‘Christmas’, it’s shorthand; it just saves a bit of time when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one over the busy festive period) cracker party hats as long as they don’t clash with the referee’s xmas cracker party hats, or the other teams. In the stead (‘in the stead’ is a cool way of saying ‘instead of’ it’s kind of longhand; it’s just for those occasions where you’ve saved a bit of time, when you’re writing opinion pieces like this one, by using shorthand already, and you realise you’ve now got a bit more time over the busy festive period) of the trad handshake at the start of the game, players exchange unwanted gifts or credit notes for John Lewis and Marks and Sparks.

Newcastle United come into their own after Christmas, during the sales. That’s funny cos bar codes.

It’s panto season (‘trousoro series’ for our English readers), and with STABLE David the Savids in between the onion bagginets – HE’S BEHIND YOU! – King Louis delivering the GOLD, FRANKINSYSTEMS and MURDER (Mata for our Spanish readers) and ANGEL di Maria in a STARRING role and Robin Van Shepherdspie always GETTING ON TO A CROSS, we’re, undoubtably, indubitably, undoubtedly, going to put in a MERRY strong performance, without a doubt. OH YES WE ARE!

If we were HOME ALONE, this would be a 3-0 walkover. That’s funny cos Christmas films.

Prediction: OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE ARE. OH NO WE’RE ISN’T. OH YES WE Aetc

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Having received a record number of complaints last week (Paul, Paul’s Dad) about how the previews have “lost their way”, this week will be a comprehensive analysis of both Southampton and United’s seasons so far. It won’t, obviously, but since only Paul (and Paul’s Dad) are still reading at this point, at least it looks like I tried.

Anyway… Southampton away. Established as a club on the 21st November 1885 by Roger Moore ( ‘The Saints’  nickname being a reference to the role he immortalised and Kilmer ruined. If you’re interested in further Kilmer work, try ‘Willow’ – literally his only decent performance), the most exciting moment of their entire history was the Kilmer fallout – and I think we all remember the kerfuffle he caused and the media storm that surrounded the club around the 1997 reboot. However, having sold all their “best” players to Liverpool, and recruiting the services of some Dutch fella that no-one really cares about because we got the best one, the plucky Saints have been riding a wave of optimism that has seen them reach the dizzying heights of somewhere above us. I’ve just checked; it’s one place and one point. To be honest, I thought it was more than that and now can’t really see the point of my extensive Saints research. Obligatory Titanic joke, yadda yadda yadda etc.

As for United, who knows? The collective giddiness about us at the moment is neither deserved nor accurate but who cares? We’re doing better than we were and winning games by not losing them so I’m relatively content. Not as content as if I had just got syndication of my TV gameshow idea – ‘Gold Case': a bevy of 15 beautiful models all have to hold a briefcase aloft but only one case has 5 gold bars in it – if the contestant guesses right, they win the gold. There’s a few kinks to be ironed out but come 2015 most of you will be working for me – you’ll find I am a kind and benevolent dicta…boss and you will be well rewarded and allowed to sleep every third night. I feel I’ve gone off point….

Prediction: Resounding United victory as Falcao not only starts ahead of the game – giving us a key advantage to be honest; we’ll be 1-0 up before they even begin – but will carry on playing for half an hour after the game, in effect giving us a 2 goal cushion. Other goals will come from Herrera and Mata using the medium of football to treat the crowd to their version of Tosca and Shaw breaking hearts by scoring a screamer WHILST NOT EVEN PLAYING. I tell you, it’s gonna be epic. Like the opposite of Transformers 4. Why do I always bang on about Transformers? Why wouldn’t I? Have you *seen* Unicron? I wish Optimus Prime was real. 4-0 United.

Benno (@Benglorious):

Having never received a complaint about how my previews have lost their way, or even a compliment about how my words are a breath of fresh air in the not fresh air-filled air world of previews, I’m inclined to think that someone is intercepting my mail.  That, or Tom is being funny.  (Note to self: speak to the head honcho at Post Office- David Letterman?)

Ronald Koeman

Southampton is just down and across from Easthampton on a map of England probably.  I do know for an absolute stone cold fact that the mayor of Southampton is Matthew Le Tissier.  Or maybe he’s the king.  I never said I knew any facts.  According to a source close to the club who wants to remain nameless, “the Saints are third in the Premier League after a tremendous start to the season”.  This ITK source goes on to state that “even though the core of the team moved up into the wildlands above Northampton to pay fealty to Steven Gerrard, Big Blond Ron has rallied the remaining troops into the surprise package you see today.  Can I have my ten pounds now, please?”

United are currently only a point behind Southampton, so a win would give them three points which would then possibly move them above their opponents by, I want to say, two points?  However, this game is what’s known in football legend as a “six-pointer”, so a win for Vangle’s boys would put them….. start on minus one…. erm…. no, take off the one at the end….  NO, take off the one from the, what was it?…. Take the one off the six and you get five.  Five what?  Anyway, nobody knows what will happen if United take all six points off Southampton…. Wait…. Do they lose six points and give them to United?  Let’s hope it’s a draw.

Players to watch out for in the striped shirts today are Jim Magilton, Andy Townsend and Craig David.

Prediction:  United will make it five wins in a row with the heroic Wayne strapping the captain’s armband on again after another little rest.  Adnan will score the first goal despite having been in an American prison for fifteen years, and Juan will take advantage of Angel’s little rest to score the second goal.  Koeman will crumble at halftime, and Vangle will further crush his countryman by bringing on Radamel to bag a quick brace, leaving the game beyond all doubt.  1-0 Southampton.

This week, I shall be mostly acrostising Mr Juan Mata.  He loves turtleneck jumpers, Silver Birches and Croydon.  He dislikes entropy.

.

 Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

According to Tom we’re playing “Southampton” or “The Saints”, and yet Benno seems to be under the impression we’re playing “The Saints” or “Southampton”, and so I thought it best I double checked with the Dad Bible (the BBC World Service); according to them neither Tom nor Benno have a clue what they’re talking about, which I find astonishing – we’re actually playing “Soton”. I was hoping Tom and/or Benno might be right, cos an in-depth quick scan of the pictures on Wikinizzle reveals most of “The Saints” are dead and that “Southampton” (according to its tourist board) “… guarantees an enjoyable experience for everyone, of all ages and interests.. ” which frankly is spreading itself too thin; they need to prioritise a few attractions and relevant demographics, focus resources on those and push them hard.  A city with such a short-sighted catchall approach to its identity is destined to fail.

It’s now tempting to do a joke about “The Saint” – improving on the above version of Tom’s a little BUT REPEATING JOKES FROM ONE ANOTHER AND IMPROVING ON THEM IS REALLY BAD MANNERS ISN’T IT BENNO NOT MENTIONING THE JOKE ABOUT POINTS AND “SIX POINTERS” YOU DID ABOVE LIKE THE ONE I DID JUST LAST WEEK BUT NOT AS GOOD AS YOU DID IN THE ONE ABOVE WHICH IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!

It’s been over 192 hours since we last scored a goal, so Vangle should definitely change a few things around. On the plus side: it’s been over 192 hours since we last conceeded a goal, so Vangle should definitely stick with the same side. Hamez Wilson will probably get the nod over Falcao (or Sting, as he’s now known amongst the me, after Vangle revealed he can last up to 20 minutes) and share goalscoring duty with Robin Van Personallyinterested.

Prediction:  United will make it five wins in a row with the heroic Wayne Swooney strapping the captain’s armband on his bulging biceps again after another little resty.  Adnan will score the first goal despite having been in an American prison for fifteen years, fitting soap dispensers in showers, and Juan will take advantage of Angel’s little resty to score the second goal by kicking the ball against his own corner flag.  Koeman will make a crumble at halftime, and Vangle will further develop a crush on his countryman by bringing off Radamel (even though he wasn’t even on) to bag a quick brace (retainer), leaving the game beyond No Doubt.  1-0 Gwen Stefani.

*Note to self: check what ‘the nod’ means.