If we’d scored more, the scoreline would have been different. I learned that before, so don’t need to put it below. And also we’re not repeaterers.

Here is the 5 things we learned this week:

1. Winning 4-0 and staying in the cup is loads better than losing 2-1 and going out.

2. I like to pretend we beat Bradley Wiggins and each goal was actually a kick to his bollocks. Fun Wiggo fact: he loves The Jam.

3. Still think we should write The Two Tonys, a Miami based police show starring Tony M & V.

4. Only if their first case is the double-murder of Fellaini and Rooney.

5. Which they can’t be arsed solving.

6. Agreed. I’ll fetch my ink and parchment.

Unlike Fergie, Moyes didn’t have the luxury of a Michael Owen on the bench in the big Champions’ League game, or even a Berba to leave out completely … and so the result in the end was inevitable.

Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Rooney. Hey?!

Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Carrick. Hey?!

*note to self: try mixing that vocal loop over some dubstep later.

*note to self: find out what ‘dubstep’ is.

For what it’s worth (About £500; I pay myself £30 a word, but don’t tell Ben, or his Mum), I thought that was a proper decent effort, and in a season with little to celebrate that Patrice goal went someway to making up for it.

#VoteDave

Ben (Benglorious):

What a week, eh?  Finally got confirmation about my new flat and also going to save one whole pence off every pint I don’t buy.  Oh, and United somehow remembered that they were United and well and truly spanked those Greeks to earn a clash against some no-mark German team in the next round of the Champions League.

Today we visit Upton Park, named after Billy Joel’s classic 80’s hit Tell Her about It.  The ‘ammers have been in fine form this season under Sam Allardyce’s shrewd stewardship, banging in goals left, right, up, down and diagonally, whilst barely concedi… Sorry.  Can’t keep that up.  They’re one of those teams that aren’t really worth writing or caring about, even though they are the closest Premiership team to where I live.  Apart from Norwich.  The only notable thing abut them is that they play in Villa’s kit, probably because some Cockney nutjob back in the day stole a job lot whilst waving about a shoo’er, guv.

Key players to watch out for are Jürgen Klinsmann,  Franz Beckenbauer and Karl-Heinz Rummenigge, although that may be West Germany I’m thinking of.  I don’t really care.  I think I mentioned the not caring before, you’ll have to read back and check as I can’t be bothered.

Prediction:  “Demis Roussos… Prince Philip… Poseidon… Socrates (the Greek one)… You boys tooka helluva beating!”  was the main part of my phone call to my local taverna after Wednesday night’s match, which wasn’t taken in the humour it was intended as the restaurant is actually owned by Clive from Southend.  Anyway, still buoyant from our final victory in Europe this season, I’m in a double, super-positive mood even with the loss of Robin for a few weeks.  Moyes will have the chance to try out a new forward line, so I’m seeing a goal a piece for Adnan and Danny, with Mata chipping in (literally) a third, all whilst Rooney bangs in the greatest hat-trick the world has ever seen.  The Irons won’t know what’s f*cking hit ‘em!!  1-0 West Ham.

About the author:  I really DO know @tom_mcghee in real life.  Yes, he really IS a massive b*ll.

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Brett:

I could take a loss at this point – abject disappointment has become a good friend of mine over the course of the season *abject disappointment whispers ‘I hate you’* – if it meant we didn’t have to sit through the physical embodiment of banter that is Kevin Nolan’s goal celebration sponsored by #LADS.

I’m a goal celebration lover make no mistake, cut me and I bleed knee-slides: Goal Celebrations, United, Wife, Kids – in that order. But that one … oh, and the golf swing one. Come to think of it, the pointing at the name on the shirt is a bit meh these days. The baby cradling’s had its day – when Bebeto did it. And while we’re here those alleged racist ones are a bit very racist for my liking. Almost forgot about the pointing upwards one; I know where the sky is, thanks all the same. Lifting up your shirt to reveal a ‘Keep Calm…’ message; sorry Berba. That Robbie Keane one. That one Chandler off of Friends did that time. The punch in the eyes that is the Daniel Sturridge thing. Not to mention the myriad affected ones. And how could we forget the one I got my team to do as a protest against fox hunting, where we played out a whole scene, with the fox emerging victorious. Actually, that one was pretty good. Are there any celebrations left?

You think you know yourself.

Prediction: 2 – 3. Danny with his customary two (nice to have that back, like a warm hug). *A meat gag on account of the name Ham, with the punchline the stakes are too high (but steaks cos of the written/spoken thing)*

Ben (Benglorious):

I should know a lot about Fulham.  I once lived in Hammersmith, which meant Coward House (not the Kiwi band) was my closest Premier League ground for nearly five years (Stamford Bridge was pretty close as well, but seeing as it’s also in Fulham you can just count everything I say for Chelsea as well).  Let’s see:  They play in white;  Their owner also owns a big shop, but ironically it’s not somewhere you’d do your big shop (unless you’re getting Bifurcated money);  Their owner is not from these parts but doesn’t have a passport, so I assume he must have been posted here, most likely as a baby because they’re smaller and would need fewer stamps and bubble wrap; Their owner loved Michael Jackson so much he built a statue of him outside the ground to commemorate him being Fulham’s all-time top goalscorer.  It would appear that I actually know more about their owner than I do the football team.  Apart from his name.

[Phone rings: “Hello? …… Oh, hi Mum. …… I’m actually in the middle of wri… …… WHAT?!? …… WHEN?!? …… Well, why would he sell it? More importantly: how do you bloody know this? …… Oh. …… Mmmm-hmm. …… I see. …… And neither of them are dead? …… Okaaaaay. …… But Prince Phili… …… You’re sure abou… …… Yes, yes, of course I believe you.  One more question: how do you know what I’m writing as I write it? …… Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! …… Do you want to come in? …… Okay.  Well, be careful getting back down that ladder. …… Yeah, you too.  Nanight.”]

Well, it seems that the owner of Fulham hasn’t been the owner of Fulham for nearly a year.  Who knew?  Apart from my Mum?  Who owns it now?  Didn’t Beckham just buy a team or something?  Are any of these questions suitable for the Rantcast?  Is that one?  What about this on…  STOP.

I’ve seen a lot of annoyed fans on Twitter this last week.  There’s the fans who are annoyed at how badly United have been playing, there’s the fans who are annoyed at the fans who are annoyed at how badly United have been playing and there’s the fans who are annoyed at the fans who are annoyed at the fans who are annoyed at how badly United have been playing, although this third group of fans are mostly comprised of the first group of fans.  Still with me?  Me neither.

Prediction: My record so far is 50% on the match results but that was me being cheerfully optimistic both times.  Anyone at Bet365 will tell you that that’s 50% better than any of my predictions on their website, stressing that I’m an extremely valued customer before telling you that I should look after myself as thumbs can break accidentally at any time.  Anyway, after Berbatov gets Fulham away to a flier with an early goal [Phone rings. Phone is thrown out of window.  Phone hits old lady in face] the score remains at 0-0 because that was a DREAM SEQUENCE.  Patience, Mother.  The pessimist in me is going for a 1-1 draw.  “BUT FULHAM ARE SHIT!” I hear you cry.  Yeah, so are Stoke, Sunderland and Yokohama F·Marinos.

About the author: I like questions?

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Brett:

David Moyes is so damned good at shuffling his pack that he does this thing yeah, where he pretends yeah, that he’s really bad at it yeah, just because he’s so bored with being so damned good at it yeah, and this week will be no different.

Can you remember that time he was playing cards and he couldn’t shuffle properly and he had to put them all out on the floor and stirred them with his finger and everybody was laughing at him, even his mum. Oh no, that was me. And there was no-one laughing. I was all alone. Anyway, where was I? oh yes…

This game like last week, and the week before, and the week before that, and the week before that, and the week before that, is probably going to go ahead, so like last week, and the week before, and the week before that, and the week before that, and the week before that …  that’ll do. That one was for all the skim readers out there, wouldn’t want them to miss out on a good point when only really reading the first and last paragraphs.

My point, I haven’t just come up with to legitimise this, is this: Everything has been talked about to death. There’s nothing new to talk about where United are concerned. Nothing. Stop talking. Nothing. Ah! Nothing.

Prediction: 3 – 2. Danny to score his customary two. I wrote this before I said stop talking.  

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p.s Because there’s no Berba at Fulham anymore this fixture is dead to me. Here’s a couple of Berba things…

p.p.s I’m allowed to write this because it’s not about United (and that doesn’t count)…

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What a really good result for Moyes (and us) all round. This post is brought to you today, in association with the word ‘good’.

– Good form: Rooney (*spit*) and RVP amongst the goals and hitting a bit of a patch – together and as seperate entities.

– Good times: Adnan continuing his exponential growth.

– Goodness sake: his man, coming to ‘the rescue’ of Adnan, and affording him a little bit of slack, perhaps.

– Good form: a comfortable victory, as (unfairly) expected.

– Good PR: showing his loyalty to  “The Manager’s Club” by praising Jol after the game.

Fulham (and Berbs, sob etc) didn’t turn up. Oh no, wait, they did. I saw them. They just didn’t play very well.

Okay, so he won’t be in the sash, but to me he’s always in the sash.

Craven Cottage, I think – though my football mind-tank is about to cut-out through all the strain – is one of those grounds we’ve not always done that well at (and there’s no way I’m going to look it up. DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?). That, mixed with the obscenely unbalanced hybrid of enigmatic footballers that Martin Jol has stuck together with masking tape, makes me feel a little bit uneasy. ‘Sometimes the obscenely unbalanced hybrid of enigmatic footballers, beats the other team’ as that saying goes.

The some sort of form we’re in, though relative, and fleeting, as it sometimes can prove to be, should be enough.

With Rio and Vidic seemingly back in contention, after the League Cup, it will be telling to see if Moyes sticks with Phil Jones and Jonny. I hope so. I think.

As it’s not entirely clear what’s going on with RvP’s fitness, the only thing we can be sure of is Rooney being in his favourwite position. And Plan A(dnan) to feature at some point.

There, that was almost sensible.

Prediction: 1-3. Danny with his customary two. Kags with his customary two.

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Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I’m saying nothing….

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Brett:

The joys of seeing a Di Canio-less Sunderland and the late-summer sun caressing the delicate contours of JOS’s unconventionally beautiful face, have been cruelly snatched away from me by the mild, mild mess our club finds itself in.

The only thing we can do is cross our fingers and hope that somewhere along the line Moyes accidentally stumbles upon a team that functions relatively convincingly.

Oh yeah, and while I’m in a grump: those United fans who go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on and go on and on and on and on about how lazy Berba was/is. Watch Fellaini. HASHTAG JUST SAYING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There’s a very strong JOS “vibe” in the air. For those of you who have followed Bifurcated for time, I’ll liken the feeling to the time I correctly predicted a Wes Brown own goal and then I got called a witch. I’m not a witch. I don’t even believe in “vibes”. Or do I? Bwhahahahahahahahahaha! Sorry, just remembered a funny joke someone told me the other day. Or did I? Bwhahahahahahahahahaha. That wasn’t me that time. The ‘b’, ‘w’, ‘h’ and ‘a’ keys have been broken on my laptop since … wait … since … since … since … since …  sorry the ‘.’ ‘s’, ‘i’, ‘n’, ‘c’ and ‘e’ buttons just got stuck … since Wes Brown’s own goal!!! Bwahahahahahahahahaha etc…

Prediction: 1-2. Danny with his customary two. Moyes to not accidentally stumble upon a team that functions relatively convincingly. JOS to give us a penalty after an accidental handball.

TV is back!!!!!! Come on. He’s so back. He’s backer than a backy thing. I mean, what an explosive finish!!!!! … Okay, before the goal and even arguably during and immediately after the goal it was TV  V.2013 … BUT in the second half there were things like crosses – accurate ones too -, runs with ball – with the ball under something nearing control -, AND flicks … imagine that, or remember it if you watched it; same difference. Feast: on my punctuation (buffet) … there is plenty to go around! (The point is TV did something good – for a bit)

I actually enjoyed all of this game, even the bits when I wasn’t enjoying it. We felt like a team who could play football when we wanted. That’s a quality I’ve missed from a lot of our performances in the last couple of years (not the only thing, but definitely one), though that’s not to say it was all good.

Some of Rooney’s passing was outstanding and similarly stood out for the wrong reasons. We appear a bit confused – or rather Rooney wants to be all things, when we have more than enough qualities to fill the vacuum created by a Rooney-shaped hole that may or may not be appearing in a team near us soon. Pretty sure Fergie will find his mucking about with Andy Carroll a tad less amusing than he did, maybe just a smidge. The attitude of a player who no longer gives one?

Lovely goals from us: first after a lovely megs from RVP followed by a lovely dip of the shoulder from Shinji; the second: a lovely finish from RVP, after lovely Scholes-esque play from Shinji on the edge of the box. Lovely – it’s all lovely. OffsideWHAT!!

Not so lovely goals to concede: though that’s ‘cus I’m looking at them from the upside-downwards. Diame’s was without doubt lovely from a West Ham fan’s point of view. Vaz Te’s was equally as lovely, as it did exactly what West Ham say on the tin. BUT poor defending was also intrinsic in their realisation. What’s that there … Oh, you’re too slow.

MOTM: Gary Neville for looking like Berba.

Iwan (@IwanLehnert):

I could waffle on about how abject parts of Wednesday’s display were, but to be honest, a prominent United fan named Paul on Twitter (@thisistheone99) summed it up so effectively that I don’t need to: “Fulham away Saturday! Less said about that shambles tonight the better.”

Tidy.

Besides, we WON. So I’d rather break the habit of a lifetime and not criticise the poor blighters to death. Although I’m inclined to blame the Bugs Bunny pj’s.

There’s barely any way that Fulham will be as abject tomorrow as they were last weekend. Just isn’t going to happen. They bucked their ideas up quite nicely on Wednesday against West Ham, so they’ll at least go into the game in a better mood than they might have done had a few days ago. The loan signing of Urby Emmanuelson from AC Milan could reinvigorate a team who’ve had an utterly unremarkable season so far. Honestly, I doubt that’ll be enough.

The main thing for us tomorrow is that shiny opportunity to go ten points clear. With that in mind, I expect us to win regardless of the performance. Fulham haven’t been remarkable at home this season at all, and even if we don’t hit our peak then the mere opportunity to take a lead that large, even if it only last 20 hours or so is one that we can’t afford to miss. To be honest, I don’t think we will.

Prediction: 1-3 to ourselves. Welbeck to not score, because he probably won’t (reverse prediction there, y’see?), Rooney to continue his recent goal splurge.

Hopes: No repeat of that awful little 4-3-3 we saw on Wednesday. Trust our wingers for the first half. If it doesn’t work, hook ‘em off and put Kagawa through the middle with someone who can tackle behind him. Preferably Jones. Man, Phil Jones. That boy can just do it all, can’t he?

Brett:* ** *** ****

*If the following sounds familiar to last week’s Fulham prediction, it’s cus it is. It’s Groundhog Day and there are strict laws you have to adhere to. Don’t be surprised to find the appropriate blogging authorities battering your front door down in the early hours of tomorrow Mr. Lehnert. 

**Iwan and me will be touring our Cannon and Ball tribute act at the back end of 2013. Rock on Bifurcated!

***I know Berba is injured.

**** I may or may not be smuggling through a point about repetition. I repeat, I may or may not be smuggling through a point about repetition.

If how much Fergie cares about a particular competition is reflected in the teams he picks, then you’d be forgiven for thinking, in spite of the endless views to the contrary, that he actually wouldn’t mind winning the Prem this year. My heart does often sink a little when some of the team sheets are released, but that’s not the case in the Prem this year. I’m sure Fergie genuinely believes the teams he puts out in any game are good enough to win them (without endorsing all of them) – whether they actually are, is another matter. One thing is for sure, you can’t always put out your strongest team. Why am I still talking?

In sharp contrast to what I’ve just said, the fact we haven’t got a midweek game, should guarantee us putting out a better team that you might expect, were we to be playing Real, for example. I’m still talking!

I do love Berba and am looking forward to seeing him get a good ovation from our fans. There’s a script somewhere with him scoring the winner, but when he’s trying really hard to make a point, he often doesn’t   or in this case, more   I like Fulham, Martin Jol and Brian Ruiz are definitely amongst my favourite things in the Prem and I think we can look forward to them giving us a good game. I’m going to shut up soon.

Rooney needs minutes, so will I’m sure feature, possibly in behind Danny? Fingers crossed (though either RVP or Chicha are always more than welcome). What a lovely collection of strikers we’ve got. Always nice to remind yourself of that from time to time. A little more choke and I think Tony’s engine will start – hopefully he’ll play.

*Yuck* (I apologise for almost making some serious points there, normal nonsense will resume next week.)

Prediction: 3 – 4 (to us)

Goals: Danny! Danny! Danny! Danny! What?

Oh, look our film saying goodbye to Berba … how did that get there?

In answer to all our prayers – in a non-churchy way – Rooney was relieved of penalty duty and a goal was the result. As I’ve mentioned many times before, I don’t subscribe to the notion that players ‘should’ always score from the penalty spot, but Rooney definitely isn’t an artisan in the craft (especially the Rooney we see more of nowadays, who prefers form over function). I expect RVP will take over when on the pitch, but Giggsy certainly knows how to burst the onion bag from 12 yards. If the penalty had been given under different circumstances, there might have been a greater anxiety surrounding it, but it wasn’t; a moot point. Oh, dear! I’m talking myself into cul-de-sacs again…

Fulham didn’t exactly lay down and take it on the chin from there, but they did a good impression of a team who wanted to. Berbatov at least can be happy with some of his straight-to-slow-motion-Youtube-montage-clips touches. As predicted, when the pressure was on for him to perform, it just didn’t happen. I take absolutely no pleasure in saying that. Ruiz was busy, but ran out of steam as our midfield and defence coped with the threat relatively comfortably.

The defence led by Smalling did what was necessary for the most part and the central midfield were rarely asked any truly testing questions. Giggsy’s resurgence is now officially first team form, whereas Nani was putting forward a strong case for us paying someone to take him off our hands. We learned nothing we didn’t already know about Anderson, or Rooney – both still need to do more, more often. Chicha is Chicha, an inherently brilliant thing to be.

Fergie appeared to enjoy satirising himself in talking about winning it for Rio again. If that’s what works for him then I can get behind that.

MOTM: Chicha