Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. We should skip to the part where Gollum falls into Mount Doom

2. We should then point and laugh

3. Juan Mata’s beard makes him look like Juan Mata when he’s turned to drink and class As

4. Fuck all those guys

5, In Uncharted 2 and 3, why don’t they just helicopter in to the hidden cities instead of climbing shit and solving puzzles?

6. Greta Thunderbird

7. David mad dog 20/20

Here’s 5 things that, like our midfield, aren’t really things at all:

1. Someone pressed delete instead of copy on the WhatsApp group pre-match thoughts, so suck on your disappointment

2. Probably Benno

3. Or Tom

1. “Now is not the time to talk about recruitment” – Will Ole learn that it’s actually the best time to talk about it, it being the actual time he can do anything? (He won’t)
2. Wait are these meant to be things we’ll learn or things they’ll learn?
3. If the former, Tom McGhee never learns

4. If we won then well done to our brave boys. If we lost then they tried their best, better luck next time

5. I didn’t watch it

6. A draw is unacceptable. Hang them all

7. Aren’t these meant to be pre-match thoughts re: tonight vs Burnley? Brett this idea has spiralled out of control

8. Sorry wrong group

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. #JoseIn

2. Fuck City.

To drive traffic to the Bif site we have put the word Google in to this opening paragraph. All we need do now is wait for Lady Fame to come a-knocking…

Here are the 5 things we feel most beneficial to share with you all from the any number of things (5) we learned:

1. Best team in the world. No question.

2. The reason Magdalene College is pronounced ‘maudlin’ is because of old bibles and Lord Audley.

3. I thought it was because of Alex Oxbridge-Chelmsford.

4. False I googled it.

5. Well, the reason is false. I fully believe your thought it.

6. ‘Your thought it’  me fail English that unpossible

(@Benglorious)

I have a friend named Lee and if someone told me to burn him it would be far less painful than watching United. I don’t really have a friend named Lee but I would burn him just for this joke. Burnley, Brighton, who gives a fuck? Currently, we couldn’t beat a twitter 6-a-side team, but tbf those must actually be pretty good due to the amount they’re mentioned.

Prediction: Boos, cheers, gasps, laughter, horror. Just like the West End musical classic, Cats, by Andrew Lloyd Webber. Tickets available at your local Spar. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I’m not writing a preview because of food or something.

m

The Sopranos (1999-2007)

Some very rude Italians eat a lot of food. That aside, pretty good.

m

Prediction: Martial and Pogba to do the good thing they’re paid to do unless they don’t do that and still get paid. Win-win imho. 0-0 United

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’m pleased to report that my herpes did not flare up, and I did not shit myself, though that is probably down to the fact that we didn’t take the lead at any point, or witness an equaliser from Spurs. The pub did laugh at my tiny wiener when Tottenham scored the winner, but that was because the helicopter impression I was performing was hilariously retitled the chinook by Mild Andy the angry barkeep. But that’s another story about the incident in the genetic mutation laboratory for another day.

Now all the Mourinho and Paul Pogba nonsense has blown over we can concentrate on the football.

Prediction: With Burnley having rubbed shoulders with Europe’s elite and experienced the highs of drawing at home to a team with a made up name, I predict a match with the outcome decide by goals and/or a lack of.  0-0 United.

If only we could think of a way of getting our hands on a player like Alexis Sanchez, and getting rid of players like Mkhitaryan.

Here’s the five things we learned:

1. Got Anthony Hopkins interested in my Lambs idea.

2. Disappointing debut for Sanchez imho but Mkhitaryan had a good game.

3. I didn’t watch it tbh.

4. @ me out of this.

5. No.

(@Benglorious)

There are three things about transfer sagas that I can’t stand:

1. Transfer sagas

United play Burnley today in what the press are calling The Thriller In Manila Or Something Similar. Let’s hope it lives up to the billa Ing.

Prediction:  Goals for both Dyche and Mourinho in a classic stalemate. 0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

I believe I made my position clear last game: no Sanchez no words. Literally the only highlight of this whole boring saga imho.

Burnley, Barnsley, Bolton and Bury are all the same place to me and I’m not even sorry.

Battlestar Galactica (1978/2004)

Can’t remember if I’ve done this before but then nobody else does either and it doesn’t even matter because it has nothing to do with football and all to do with what I was watching last (Battlestar Galactica).

Ignoring the Bonanza years (lol ask yer da), BSG is five seasons of awesome TV. Assuming the creative team behind it are reading this – why wouldn’t they –  here are some great ideas for future spin-offs $1million please:

An imprisoned Cylon serial killer helps a young FBI agent catch another serial killer – Cylonce of the Lambs

A Cylon intergalactic hitchhiker has more adventures in a sequel – Cylon and thanks for all the fish

A tragic tale of doomed romance involving a Cylon woman abandoned by her human lover – Miss Cylon

Thank-you for your time

Prediction:  Mhkitaryan hat-trick. 2-0 United, Sanchez brace

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

There’s another league in the world – it’s not all just EPL this and EPL that – and I am going to enjoy a match between two teams you will have never have heard of because they don’t play in your precious EPL: Bristol Ramblers and Bradford County.

Prediction: Real football. No mind games. No eating worms. No VAR. No diggity. No doubt. 0-0 United.