Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

Having received a record number of complaints last week (Paul, Paul’s Dad) about how the previews have “lost their way”, this week will be a comprehensive analysis of both Southampton and United’s seasons so far. It won’t, obviously, but since only Paul (and Paul’s Dad) are still reading at this point, at least it looks like I tried.

Anyway… Southampton away. Established as a club on the 21st November 1885 by Roger Moore ( ‘The Saints’  nickname being a reference to the role he immortalised and Kilmer ruined. If you’re interested in further Kilmer work, try ‘Willow’ – literally his only decent performance), the most exciting moment of their entire history was the Kilmer fallout – and I think we all remember the kerfuffle he caused and the media storm that surrounded the club around the 1997 reboot. However, having sold all their “best” players to Liverpool, and recruiting the services of some Dutch fella that no-one really cares about because we got the best one, the plucky Saints have been riding a wave of optimism that has seen them reach the dizzying heights of somewhere above us. I’ve just checked; it’s one place and one point. To be honest, I thought it was more than that and now can’t really see the point of my extensive Saints research. Obligatory Titanic joke, yadda yadda yadda etc.

As for United, who knows? The collective giddiness about us at the moment is neither deserved nor accurate but who cares? We’re doing better than we were and winning games by not losing them so I’m relatively content. Not as content as if I had just got syndication of my TV gameshow idea – ‘Gold Case': a bevy of 15 beautiful models all have to hold a briefcase aloft but only one case has 5 gold bars in it – if the contestant guesses right, they win the gold. There’s a few kinks to be ironed out but come 2015 most of you will be working for me – you’ll find I am a kind and benevolent dicta…boss and you will be well rewarded and allowed to sleep every third night. I feel I’ve gone off point….

Prediction: Resounding United victory as Falcao not only starts ahead of the game – giving us a key advantage to be honest; we’ll be 1-0 up before they even begin – but will carry on playing for half an hour after the game, in effect giving us a 2 goal cushion. Other goals will come from Herrera and Mata using the medium of football to treat the crowd to their version of Tosca and Shaw breaking hearts by scoring a screamer WHILST NOT EVEN PLAYING. I tell you, it’s gonna be epic. Like the opposite of Transformers 4. Why do I always bang on about Transformers? Why wouldn’t I? Have you *seen* Unicron? I wish Optimus Prime was real. 4-0 United.

Benno (@Benglorious):

Having never received a complaint about how my previews have lost their way, or even a compliment about how my words are a breath of fresh air in the not fresh air-filled air world of previews, I’m inclined to think that someone is intercepting my mail.  That, or Tom is being funny.  (Note to self: speak to the head honcho at Post Office- David Letterman?)

Ronald Koeman

Southampton is just down and across from Easthampton on a map of England probably.  I do know for an absolute stone cold fact that the mayor of Southampton is Matthew Le Tissier.  Or maybe he’s the king.  I never said I knew any facts.  According to a source close to the club who wants to remain nameless, “the Saints are third in the Premier League after a tremendous start to the season”.  This ITK source goes on to state that “even though the core of the team moved up into the wildlands above Northampton to pay fealty to Steven Gerrard, Big Blond Ron has rallied the remaining troops into the surprise package you see today.  Can I have my ten pounds now, please?”

United are currently only a point behind Southampton, so a win would give them three points which would then possibly move them above their opponents by, I want to say, two points?  However, this game is what’s known in football legend as a “six-pointer”, so a win for Vangle’s boys would put them….. start on minus one…. erm…. no, take off the one at the end….  NO, take off the one from the, what was it?…. Take the one off the six and you get five.  Five what?  Anyway, nobody knows what will happen if United take all six points off Southampton…. Wait…. Do they lose six points and give them to United?  Let’s hope it’s a draw.

Players to watch out for in the striped shirts today are Jim Magilton, Andy Townsend and Craig David.

Prediction:  United will make it five wins in a row with the heroic Wayne strapping the captain’s armband on again after another little rest.  Adnan will score the first goal despite having been in an American prison for fifteen years, and Juan will take advantage of Angel’s little rest to score the second goal.  Koeman will crumble at halftime, and Vangle will further crush his countryman by bringing on Radamel to bag a quick brace, leaving the game beyond all doubt.  1-0 Southampton.

This week, I shall be mostly acrostising Mr Juan Mata.  He loves turtleneck jumpers, Silver Birches and Croydon.  He dislikes entropy.

.

 Brett (@bifurcated_mufc):

According to Tom we’re playing “Southampton” or “The Saints”, and yet Benno seems to be under the impression we’re playing “The Saints” or “Southampton”, and so I thought it best I double checked with the Dad Bible (the BBC World Service); according to them neither Tom nor Benno have a clue what they’re talking about, which I find astonishing – we’re actually playing “Soton”. I was hoping Tom and/or Benno might be right, cos an in-depth quick scan of the pictures on Wikinizzle reveals most of “The Saints” are dead and that “Southampton” (according to its tourist board) “… guarantees an enjoyable experience for everyone, of all ages and interests.. ” which frankly is spreading itself too thin; they need to prioritise a few attractions and relevant demographics, focus resources on those and push them hard.  A city with such a short-sighted catchall approach to its identity is destined to fail.

It’s now tempting to do a joke about “The Saint” – improving on the above version of Tom’s a little BUT REPEATING JOKES FROM ONE ANOTHER AND IMPROVING ON THEM IS REALLY BAD MANNERS ISN’T IT BENNO NOT MENTIONING THE JOKE ABOUT POINTS AND “SIX POINTERS” YOU DID ABOVE LIKE THE ONE I DID JUST LAST WEEK BUT NOT AS GOOD AS YOU DID IN THE ONE ABOVE WHICH IS WHAT I’M TALKING ABOUT!!!!!!!!!

It’s been over 192 hours since we last scored a goal, so Vangle should definitely change a few things around. On the plus side: it’s been over 192 hours since we last conceeded a goal, so Vangle should definitely stick with the same side. Hamez Wilson will probably get the nod over Falcao (or Sting, as he’s now known amongst the me, after Vangle revealed he can last up to 20 minutes) and share goalscoring duty with Robin Van Personallyinterested.

Prediction:  United will make it five wins in a row with the heroic Wayne Swooney strapping the captain’s armband on his bulging biceps again after another little resty.  Adnan will score the first goal despite having been in an American prison for fifteen years, fitting soap dispensers in showers, and Juan will take advantage of Angel’s little resty to score the second goal by kicking the ball against his own corner flag.  Koeman will make a crumble at halftime, and Vangle will further develop a crush on his countryman by bringing off Radamel (even though he wasn’t even on) to bag a quick brace (retainer), leaving the game beyond No Doubt.  1-0 Gwen Stefani.

*Note to self: check what ‘the nod’ means.