Here’s 5 things we learned about football:

1. Equality is good, but kids shouldn’t be professional goalkeepers.

2. Unless they play for anyone else.

3.The hidden blade is back, baby, and it’s fucking siiiiiiiiick.

4. deli alley’s goals were good.

 (@Benglorious)

• Country of origin: United Kingdom
• Region: Leicestershire
• Family: Cheddar
• Made from unpasteurized cow’s milk
• Type: hard, artisan
• Fat content: 48%
• Texture: crumbly and dense
• Rind: cloth wrapped
• Colour: orange
• Flavour: burnt caramel, full-flavored, sweet
• Aroma: rich
• Vegetarian: no
• Synonyms: Leicester, Leicestershire

m

Prediction: New hashtags and dance crazes to dominate in one of the best adverts for the Premier League the world has ever seen. There’ll also be a football match. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am so excited about the football today and really hope the boys do well.

Grimsby (2016)

Glols from start to finish. Give SBC Bill Gates’ wages. If you love a good old laugh, then this is the movie for you. There’s this one scene with an Elephant’s penis that just split my sides. In fact I needed a needle and thread all the way through! That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: We will finally take the opportunity to catch up on our Premier League rivals. 1-2 United.

m 

 (@bifurcated_utd)

The Ghost ‘Paper’ Town has a really interesting history.

In 1985, the Washington State Legislature passed a law that dissolved school districts with fewer than five students, leading to the disbandment of the Lester school district. A mock funeral was held for the town by residents in response to the closure of the school. Shame. 

The town’s “last resident”, Gertrude Murphy, died in September 2002 at the age of 99. So close.

The city of Tacoma began purchasing property in Lester in 1963, seeking to protect the Green River watershed where the city sources its drinking water. Tacoma attempted to block access to the town, leading to protests and the destruction of gates on the only all-weather road leading to Lester, in an incident known as the “Battle of the Lester Gate”. King County sued the city of Tacoma over blocking access to Lester, arguing that the road was owned by the county. The King County Superior Courtruled in Tacoma’s favor in July 1962 to temporarily keep locks on its Lester gates.  The court later determined in 1965 that the county’s failure to include other landowners in the suit hampered the court’s abilities to adjudicate the case. Ruddy court.

Prediction: Wrong Lester, right? 0-0 United.

 (@Benglorious)

It’s always great playing West Ham, especially fifteen times in three weeks. Sometimes we even beat them. Except when Blackburn won the league that one time. Ask your dad. Or Paul. Whichever one actually remembers. Paul.

Prediction: Rooney to score from anywhere up to 70 yards away but only if he plays. Martial to do a madness and Zlatan to kick the ref’s face off. The goal stands. 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

I preferred football when it was just three, sometimes four games a year, back in the days when if a player even thought about using any part of his boot except the laces to score a goal he’d have been executed by firing squad.

Prediction: Mkhitaryan to score one using his ballbag. 1-0 United.

m 

 (@ttackattackattack)

It’s 2017, a new year, a new dawn, a new day, a new life, fooooor me, and I’m feeling good, and apparently, according to OpthalmicJoe, if we would have started the Premier League a week next Tuesday, all of the last twenty or so years of the Premier League would have never have existed. Makes you think.

West Ham, again? What are they competition winnerers or something?

Prediction: Giroud to score one next week with his labia. 0-0 United. 

Here’s 5 things we learned between the mountains of blow and fountains of boobies:

1. Winning is good.

2. Losing is bad.

3. Moyes is bad.

4. Ergo, Moyes is a loser.

5. PROFIT!!!!

6. Did you see the Mkhitaryan goal tho?? He was like ‘uh oh ball’s behind me yo’ but then he was all like ‘don’t even matter dogg’ and it was all like a scorpion if his legs were a stinger.

7. Innit tho. Scorpions cannot kick like that due to the way their leg joints are hinged.

8. Makes zero sense. People are idiots.

9. Not us.

10. Brett is not us.

11. Brett is all of us.

12. Gross.

Roonslice’s appetite for records is showing only 50% signs of abating. Titter @ abating.

Juan Mata also ladled himself a tasty slice of goal-stew.

But the guest of honour at the net-bulging banquet was Daley Blind who we’d all love to nosh off.

Here’s 5 learnings you may not have probably not even noticed:

1) Varela looked good. Can’t believe playing a RB as RB paid off.

Owl) Lol @ you trying to say ‘army’, with a blocked nose.

?!£&) Paul tweeted ‘can we play you every week, seriously’. Have looked into it; we can’t. Suggest someone checks Paul’s credentials – he should’ve known this.

3. Fuck off with your offside.

Pussycat) Jog on with your onside.

Fives) Rooney looks almost good now he’s shed the baby weight.

Detroit) Paul’s credentials are solid, just not his football ones.

Gunnery Sergeant) I like winning.

Crystal Palace matched us at what we do best … which is testament to Vangle’s genius. If we can get every team to match us, and end every game nil all, until the end of the season, we’ll have at least enough points to start a point business. As the point business expands over the years, we’ll be able to trade and buy points on the a market. By 2083 we’ll be investing points back into the team, and then glory days all the way to Wemberly.

.

Here’s five things we learned from the weekend’s excitement:

1) Watching us is less fun than reading this.

2) Seriously.

5) Harry Redknapp is almost the perfect blend of Star Wars Jabba the Hutt and Spaceballs Pizza the Hut. It’s uncanny.

12) More like WANE Rooney.

13) Maybe make that (on the)WANE in case it’s too subtle lol.

7) By 2083 Daley Blind will have got there.

c) A 0-0 draw with Barcelona is not a bad result.

  Benno (@Benglorious)

Bit gutted there’s not more international football to be quite flipping honest with you in all seriousness. There’s nothing better in my opinion than watching world-class players try and raise the games of those around them and ultimately fail.

m

Opposition summary: Everton are the best team in the Premiership League that sound like an eternal weight.

Prediction: Rooney’s back!! YAY!! I’ve forgotten my point. 0-0 United.

m

Once United’s French midfielder got over his shock at finding me in his loft, we laughed for ages and then he told me that his favourite things are Ex On The Beach, gold, and the musical stylings of Harry Connick Jr:

m

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Thought it was still International break. That Wayne Rooney though.

Prediction:  4 servings of Goal Pie, Martial to get all 3.

.

  Brett (@thesameplaceaslastweektonightmaybeyouallwrotetheaddressdownwronglaydeez?)

Last time we played Everton I did a joke, but have gone off jokes of late. There’s these two people who have ruined the concept of jokes for me. Oh, it’s just some guys. It’s just two people I know. No, you don’t know them. No, it’s not Ted and Bob. Why would you think that? It’s not. Okay, let’s take this into DMs so they can’t read this…

*insert manager from opposition* would still like to see improvements from his squad of players, but will have, without doubt, aspects he can be pleased with; not least the form of *insert player for specific* who has been performing consistently well of late. ****Remember to delete this paragraph when you can’t be arsed to look up the opposition you scrumptious maverick*****

I used up all my gold in a tweet to Benno late last night. So go brew yourself a mug of disappointment and spill it down your stupid neck that’s not reeled in.

Prediction: Danny with his Cushing’s disease experiments – ongoing. I got a promotion at work laydeez, so now I’m an even bigger dog than before, with enough cheddar for half your drinks and a packet of crisps. By the way do you split the crisp packet and open it up for the table to share, or not do that? I just don’t really like that. So, if you could not do that. Those old people won’t be around this week – what’s with them pretending to be my Mum and Dad? I’ll be at the same place as last week. Oh yeah, football … John Murder to add another group of defencerers to his kill list. 0-0 United