Can I decide later?

Danny?! Injured?! No. Way. Ole sign him up.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. I’m glad I didn’t try bunch of abso cunts

2. Glad that helped my hangover

3. ffs

(@Benglorious)

Are we playing today?

Prediction: Lunch tomorrow I believe

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Lol I was gonna try and do some today but had to go and buy a suit and Hannas Christmas present lol

Prediction: N/A

 M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Prediction: Watfucks given more like

(@Benglorious)

Can’t believe I’ve only just realised that his name is Arsene and he’s the owner of Arsenal. It’s like they’re twins with unimaginative parents who love butts.

Prediction: Wenger to sign off in his last game against United à la Steven Gerrard; by being linked to the Rangers job. Goals for Shaw and Welbeck bookend a credible win for Watford. Wenger to get a standing ovation from the knowledgeable Old Trafford crowd until he reveals that he has all the Infinity Stones. Bedlam. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

More like (This is the) ArsEND (for) Wenger !!  But seriously, what can you say about a man who ceased to be relevant almost a decade ago? Sure, he may have revolutionised the game by being the first to notice salad was less fatty than lager, pie and chips but at the same time, he can’t operate a zip on a coat. So who IS Arsene Wenger? A professor or a clown? For me the answer is somewhere in the middle but also I don’t care because he’s a cunt and I hate him. I wish him all the best. Also can someone change my picture back to my face, I hate it as it is.

Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

Wasn’t going to review this as I didn’t want to spoil it for people but then I remembered how someone ruined The Force Awakens for me so here comes the payback: Han Solo gets offed by Kylo Ren.

In review of the actual film: Thanos is on the march yo – killing [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] almost immediately – looking for some Infinity Stones. This is the plot. Anyways, turns out the “Avengers” don’t want him to have them as they think his ideas of genocide are misjudged. Everyone fights and tells jokes for the rest of the movie until [REDACTED] kills [REDACTED] to win the day only for [REDACTED] to use the [REDACTED] and then the [REDACTED] to kill [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED], [REDACTED] and [REDACTED]. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Doc Strange has a plan imho (re: Avengers). For this game? Lets say 8-2 

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(@bifurcated_utd)

What can we write about Arsene Wenger that hasn’t been written before? Do we still love Danny? THESE ARE LEGIT QUESTIONS WHY IS NO-ONE ANSWERING ME??!!

I’m in Scotland. Probably doing something traditionally Scottish like wearing a grass skirt and drinking face paint off of a clown.

Prediction: Nothing. Apart from his penchant for wearing snail’s shells on his distended testicles. And actually no, but actually yes. 0-0 United

Here’s 5 things we learned, aside from Danny Welbeck is a massive traitorer:

1. Didn’t watch it as was cleaning up dogshit.

2. Which was actually preferable.

3. I did watch it but am envious of Benno.

4. I neither watched it or didn’t, but am envious of Tom feeling envious of Benno.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

The season starts with a humdinger of a curtain-raiser as the mighty Watford entertain United at Vicarage Road. Luckily for us, Wayne Rooney CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND is still England’s leading goalscorer. Even more luckily for us, Wayne Rooney CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND is poorly so he won’t be playing. Slightly less luckily for us is that every other player in the team is injured apart from De Gea, which is lucky. I’ve forgotten my point.

m

Opposition summary: Watford are the only team in the Premiership League that have a yellow home shirt apart from Norwich.

Prediction:  Watford to help out our lack of strikers by scoring some own goals. Nice ones, like, not those garden variety oggies that you all love so much. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

It was 9.30 in the morning and despite writing all night – the soon to be published Adventures of Dean Dangerous – McGhee knew he had to get his Watford preview done. He reached for his cigarettes and lit one with his custom solid gold Dunhill wind-proof lighter, reminiscing about the day Obama gave it to him…’Syria was a walk in the park compared to this’ he mused aloud. As he racked his sleep-deprived mind for ideas, his once handsome features, now ravaged by time and constant drug abuse, stared back at him from the eerie glow of his computer screen…It was gonna be a long 5 or 6 minutes. The silence was suddenly shattered by his iPhone 7 (that’s right, 7); despite his ring-tone being Sunshine & Lollipops, he knew – with the foresight that can only be gained from 14 tours in Nam and numerous black ops – it was gonna be bad news…he guessed the old adage was true: Evil never sleeps. By now the phone had stopped ringing but by checking his missed calls he could tell it was the Pentagon – they were sending the Quinjet (usually reserved for the Avengers so you know it must be pretty bad) – and his presence was required in Washington like yesterday. After returning the call and explaining he couldn’t get there for then but could be there pretty quickly, allowing for wind speeds and such, McGhee wearily stubbed out his cigarette….the preview would just have to wait….(to be continued*)

The only thing I know about Watford is Elton John.

Ant-Man (2015)

Fella who is a convict but a good one steals something and becomes really really small – ant-size if you will – and learns lessons about parenting and being a great guy. Like Honey I shrunk the kids! but with better FX (industry term for ‘special effects’ – say it out loud and you’ll get it) and no Rick Moranis or lawn-mower scene and with a sheep getting turned inside out. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Can’t help thinking our lack of strikers might hurt us in the goals department. Not having more strikers now seems silly. Who knew. 0-0 Watford, Nasri brace.

*it won’t obvs

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 Brett (@thestrikeoftheclockthetimewillbeyetanothercapatilistconstruct)

Luckily for us Chris Martin is the new Titus Bramble – who was the new Richard Dunne – of own goalismisisation, and so we have no need to worry about the lack of firepower with Roonskip being “injured”. Nice on Louis. Knew you bloody would.

Wait a minute … are we talking about Watford or Norwich? Or Coldplay? We’re always talking about Coldplay when it come to LVG’s army, amirite? On iron on iron. Stick it on your drainpipes. alright?! I’ve forgotten Benno’s point. And ruined my bang on trend trousers with exterior metal paint at the same time.

Do we have to talk about United every week? What happened to the international break? How come they’re back so soon? Was expecting them to be away for at least eighty days.

Prediction/Tip: Danny and hiss, cuss, tooo (like spit) merry (christmas) tooo (like spit, again). Mute the game, with Har Mar Superstar ft. Holly Valance’s ‘Back The Camel Up’, on your headphones, for extra sexy. 0-0 United.

 Benno (@Benglorious)

Eating my dinner while I’m “writing” because apparently I have more important things in my life than this shambolic website. Only joking. Not the dinner part – I’ve just dropped some mince on thr kweybnoardf.

m

Opposition summary: Middlesborough should be better than my last joke, but you (me) haven’t seen them since the heady days of Fabrizio Ravanelli, Juninho and Andy Townsend – Yes, he was a footballer before he became a bell. Or maybe he was always a bell. Yeah, that one – so you (me) can’t really comment. I’ve forgotten my point.

Prediction: Brett’s thing about the well was quite good. You probably haven’t read that yet unless you’re either a) weird, or, 2) your perception of time has evolved to the point where it is not a constant. Which is weird. Anyway SPOILER ALERT he does this little gag about throwing Rooney down a well. I think you’ll like it. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I don’t care about this game so much I didn’t even know who we were playing until just now. You can’t teach that kind of apathy – when you’re all having heart attacks and that when you’re old, I’ll be safe in Doom Mountain, laughing quietly to myself and playing backgammon. Also, can someone teach me backgammon?

This week’s film reviews:

Watership Down (1978)

Based on Richard Adam’s novel, it’s basically about rabbits. Catchy theme. As old as me. That aside, pretty good.

The Death of the Incredible Hulk (1990. Lol)

Awful. Truly awful. Does have Lou Ferrigno though and still better than all the new ones. That aside, pretty good.

Goodfellas (1990)

Misleading title. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Affordable and reliable hoverboards by 2020. Wayne is still playing then; he has not got better. 3-0 United or Boro, goals to be scored by their respective players after shots on goal are not stopped by the goalkeeper. Which is like his one job.

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 Brett (@ttenTION(like soldiers innit)

I remember when Middlesborough were something, but I can’t remember exactly what. It definitely wasn’t a frisbee, or a collection of vintage cufflink boxes or, or an army of seahorses. I’ll narrow it down on the spreadsheet, I’ve lovingly prepared on the back of this cigarette packet, and get back to you…

One thing Middlesborough definitely are is the proverbial banana skin: yellow and bitter. Suck on my a banter. 

We should drop Rooney. Down a well.

Prediction: Danny with his costume drama recital. You try finding more words that begin with ‘Cus’, then seal them in an envelope and post them up your face. Vangle’s boys to get the result we/you/us deserve. 0-0 United (0-0 on penalties, a.e.t).

 Benno (@Benglorious)

The Liverpool game has just finished on SkyGo. Great result and two very lucky goals by both side’s new signings. I predict things for our new lad, Martial, the first being money and his acquisition of an amount of it, and the second that he’ll make United fans have positive reactions again when they hear the name ‘Tony’. I love him already.

m

Opposition summary: PSV was about a submarine and it was kind of like Star Trek except it was in the sea and it had that guy from Jaws (1975) in it. Not him, the other one. Only 90’s kids will know what I’m talking about and we all know that 90’s kids are the dirt worst.

Prediction:   Tom to stick with his film review format, possibly doing some Sci-Fi. I’m hoping for Avatar and Interstellar, the two greatest films ever made. 0-0 United.

The world’s most expensive teenager after Paris Hilton was delighted when I accosted him in the toilets of Wetherspoon’s, and informed me that his favourite things in the whole world are purple broccoli, Rick & Morty and doing a poo that doesn’t need wiping:

m

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  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Playstation 5 Eindhoven (definitely my gag whatever Brett says) are a football team in the nation of Holland; we know they’re pretty good at it because this is the Champions League so only the best clubs are in it (see: Liverpool) so there’s no real need for any preview. I will say this though, it’s a world away from the Norfolk Broads. And they do have a talking Dolphin*

To that end, I’m going to review my film reviews:

The Game (review): Wasn’t so much a review as a sentence. Probably, I didn’t read it. That aside, pretty good.

Day Watch/Night Watch (review): Misleading – having discussed with…I want to say Benno but I can’t remember when I saw him last so it might’ve been a dream. We were both naked….let’s say Benno… it turns out I did know what this was about more than I let on. Although the Simpsons reference holds water. That aside, pretty good.

Pineapple Express (review): Sold it on Danny McBride, no complaints, Solid 9/10. That aside, pretty good.

The Piano (review): “How Shakespeare would write if he were alive today” – Top Gear Magazine, 1997

Sublime.

Prediction: Liquid Goals. Which won’t count. 3-0, Martial to score 6 but only count 3 out of humility and respect. 

*Technically the Dolphin couldn’t “talk” but rather had a sophisticated communicator which somehow interpreted his dolphin squeaks into English. Good show, good actors.

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  Brett (@enbrough)

[FOOTAGE NOT FOUND/AND/OR BURNT]

Prediction: Danny with his Costa Coffee endorsement. Them to steal all my joke and lose and/or burn the footage.

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Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely.

X X X X X X X X X X X X X 

M

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Friday night is the best time for football.  The shops are shut so I don’t have to go shopping and it’s too dark for DIY. Actually, sod the football, I’m out of here.

Opposition Summary:  Villa did well to stay up last season, so it’s lucky that they kept Benteke or else they’d be in big trouble this time around.

Prediction:  Villa captain Micah Richards has a lot of pressure on him tonight.  The former City defender knows he has a lot to live up to in his new role, especially after his predecessor did so well.  Kyle Walker fulfilled his role as Vangle’s secret striker perfectly last week, so Richards will need to be on form if he wants to impress the United fans.  0-0 United.

m

  Tom (@tom_mcghee)

I’m preparing the BBQ, but having trouble after the judge said I wasn’t allowed within 23 feet of flammables, after the incident with the deaf school. Wasn’t my fault they couldn’t hear the alarm ffs.

Prediction: Sausages. Burgers. And green bull shit for Brett and Paul.

m

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  Brett (@GarethgatingSue)

I’m not here. I’m mentally preparing to meet those fockers, like in the film Zoolander.

Hopefully, our ghost writer @Ab5y will write something funny here, like he does every week. AS LONG AS HE CAN HOLD THE PEN WITH THOSE GHOST HANDS! BOOM!!

Prediction: Danny with his custody battle. The Aston Villa manager (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) to disappear (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) because of Marryone Fellaini (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) standing in front of him (<—- remember this detail, cos it’s key to the punchline) on the touchline … Can’t see Sherwood for the Tree. Vangle to take Sherwood back to school. Woodwork class. Am I getting paid for this? 0-0.

m

Remember to follow @Bifurcated_MBM on the Twitter for the best live coverage of all United games and also some of the worst live coverage of all United games. Sometimes we cover games that aren’t United but only because it gets very lonely. 

I’ve been practising some of the jokes based on internet research, involving similar words, but not exactly in the same order, so definitely not copying…

What’s the difference between So Solid Crew and Steven Gerrard?

About 18 members or 29 members depending on which point in the pop combo’s history you’re referring to, as the number of people in the So Solid Crew changed over time, as members left, or were replaced, or other people joined in. And there is only one of this particular Steven Gerrard.

What’s the difference between Youssou N’Dour, Neneh Cherry and Steven Gerrard?

Youssou N’Dour is Senegalese, a singer, a percussionist, a songwriter, a composer, an occasional actor, a politician, and was Senegal’s Minister of Tourism and Leisure. Neneh Cherry is a Swedish-born singer-songwriter, rapper, and occasional DJ and broadcaster.

And Steven Gerrard is etc…

You can repeat the format with Jefferson Airplane, Fleetwood Mac, Motley Crue, The Cure, Jack Penate, Alice Cooper and any other hit paraders with a song with the word ‘second’ or in it. Make sure you’ve installed fire retardent software on your device before you tweet that mind!

On the subject of Gerrard, two questions:

1) During his “apology”, did he apologise to Ander? I guess he must have…

b) How many players in a similar situation haven’t made the standard cliched apology to the fans and the dressing room and the manager for letting them down and letting themselves down etc?! I guess all of them…

As for us, Giggsy now just needs to convince Vangle of Rafael at right back, and then all our’s and Giggsy’s favourites are in the team.

We’ll wait to get Danny back, when Giggsy’s boss.

Thought for the Day: Love will find a way.

Benno (@Benglorious)

To the lads;

Hotel is amazing. Weather is brilliant. Went snorkelling today and saw a big ray thing. What was the score in the Arsenal game? Hope Angel did the business after my amazing preview. Did you know that they play football here in Jamaica but they use a smaller ball and hit it with a bat and call it ‘cricket’? Weird, eh? Miss you guys. Hope we get Liverpool in the cup and stuff them. See you next Tuesday.

Benno x x x x

p.s. I did a picture thing before I left but have no idea if he plays for United or not. Stick it after this and say he likes, I don’t know; chips, Kerplunk and Avatar. Paul won’t know.

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Yeah so like Paul was flying this plane and avoiding like all these missiles and Terry was right next to him in a helicopter going all ‘BUKKA BUKKA’ with his missiles and Josh and I were like all ‘PEW PEW’ with our guns in the prison and then we were all like “whoa! lets get out of here guys!” and then like we did and then we had to escape in the plane that Paul had and it kept knocking me over and I was all like “Paul, stop knocking me over!!” and Paul was like all “I’m not knocking you over!!” and we were all like “LOL” and Terry was still like ‘BUKKA BUKKA’ with machine guns and missiles still and then we finally escaped and then we were all like in the apartment and doing all high-fives and that and it was OMG amazing.

Jamaica is for amateurs.

Prediction: other heists can only be harder but boy they sure are fun. I haven’t mentioned the match because I no longer believe in football. Why is “match” in capitals and red?

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Dear Bob,

Hotel is where I work. Weather is outside. Really hope you didn’t drown when you went snorkelling. That would be a big shame for some people. Probably. Danny didn’t mute his celebration so we won 1 moral to zero. Angel did the business that your preview deserved. That version of football sounds cruel. The bat would sense the pain coming in advance too; so that’s mental cruelty aswell. Double cruel. Druel. Miss you being off Twitter, like you were for those couple of days at the very start of your holiday. See you next TueHEY! you mean to say that I’m going to see you again?!

Try more snorkelling.

Brett x0x0x0x

p.s. Hope you spellchecked snorkelling, cos I just copied and pasted from yours.

p.p.s I didn’t spellcheck spellchecked either lol.

Prediction: Four fag breaks. A few complaints about the small bathrooms. One about a cold room on the 5th floor. One about the noise from the room next door. 13 Taxis to the train station. 3 to the airport. 2 to the bus station. One to the shopping centre.  3-2 United.