Benno (@Benglorious)

The season starts with a humdinger of a curtain-raiser as the mighty Watford entertain United at Vicarage Road. Luckily for us, Wayne Rooney CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND is still England’s leading goalscorer. Even more luckily for us, Wayne Rooney CAPTAIN LEADER LEGEND is poorly so he won’t be playing. Slightly less luckily for us is that every other player in the team is injured apart from De Gea, which is lucky. I’ve forgotten my point.

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Opposition summary: Watford are the only team in the Premiership League that have a yellow home shirt apart from Norwich.

Prediction:  Watford to help out our lack of strikers by scoring some own goals. Nice ones, like, not those garden variety oggies that you all love so much. 0-0 United.

 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

It was 9.30 in the morning and despite writing all night – the soon to be published Adventures of Dean Dangerous – McGhee knew he had to get his Watford preview done. He reached for his cigarettes and lit one with his custom solid gold Dunhill wind-proof lighter, reminiscing about the day Obama gave it to him…’Syria was a walk in the park compared to this’ he mused aloud. As he racked his sleep-deprived mind for ideas, his once handsome features, now ravaged by time and constant drug abuse, stared back at him from the eerie glow of his computer screen…It was gonna be a long 5 or 6 minutes. The silence was suddenly shattered by his iPhone 7 (that’s right, 7); despite his ring-tone being Sunshine & Lollipops, he knew – with the foresight that can only be gained from 14 tours in Nam and numerous black ops – it was gonna be bad news…he guessed the old adage was true: Evil never sleeps. By now the phone had stopped ringing but by checking his missed calls he could tell it was the Pentagon – they were sending the Quinjet (usually reserved for the Avengers so you know it must be pretty bad) – and his presence was required in Washington like yesterday. After returning the call and explaining he couldn’t get there for then but could be there pretty quickly, allowing for wind speeds and such, McGhee wearily stubbed out his cigarette….the preview would just have to wait….(to be continued*)

The only thing I know about Watford is Elton John.

Ant-Man (2015)

Fella who is a convict but a good one steals something and becomes really really small – ant-size if you will – and learns lessons about parenting and being a great guy. Like Honey I shrunk the kids! but with better FX (industry term for ‘special effects’ – say it out loud and you’ll get it) and no Rick Moranis or lawn-mower scene and with a sheep getting turned inside out. That aside, pretty good.

Prediction:  Can’t help thinking our lack of strikers might hurt us in the goals department. Not having more strikers now seems silly. Who knew. 0-0 Watford, Nasri brace.

*it won’t obvs

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 Brett (@thestrikeoftheclockthetimewillbeyetanothercapatilistconstruct)

Luckily for us Chris Martin is the new Titus Bramble – who was the new Richard Dunne – of own goalismisisation, and so we have no need to worry about the lack of firepower with Roonskip being “injured”. Nice on Louis. Knew you bloody would.

Wait a minute … are we talking about Watford or Norwich? Or Coldplay? We’re always talking about Coldplay when it come to LVG’s army, amirite? On iron on iron. Stick it on your drainpipes. alright?! I’ve forgotten Benno’s point. And ruined my bang on trend trousers with exterior metal paint at the same time.

Do we have to talk about United every week? What happened to the international break? How come they’re back so soon? Was expecting them to be away for at least eighty days.

Prediction/Tip: Danny and hiss, cuss, tooo (like spit) merry (christmas) tooo (like spit, again). Mute the game, with Har Mar Superstar ft. Holly Valance’s ‘Back The Camel Up’, on your headphones, for extra sexy. 0-0 United.