As Phil Jones and Ed Woodward watched on and may, or, may not havNo, can’t even pretend to give a fuck.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Mid-table team now I’m very sad

2. Shampooing my carpet was more exciting than the match

3. How have we forgotten how to play football it really isn’t that complicated a game I blame everyone and everything

4. We always lose to west ham all other results are improvements on previous seasons ie progress also without Martial, Pogba, our two best players actually who am I kidding I want to die

5. True true truuuuuuuuuue

6. Remember joy?

7. And success?

8. What if those are just the Mandela Effect?

9. Yeah, we should never have given Nelson the job after Fergie retired.

Here’s 5 things we learned – dedicated to the memory of Jose Borinho, cos borinBAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA how have we not used that befoBAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHA!!

1. Conceding two goals to that weird troll man is a damning indictment (his legs are far to short for his weird body)

2. Something about a clothing range proving something or other

3. Fuck all these guys fuck em right up in the ass

4. Wreck it Ralph was predictable and boring (Ed – BAHAHAHAHAHA cos befoBAHAHAHAHAHA)

5. Just like United lol

6. lol

7. Blam

Footballiversity Issue #10 – Footballiverse 4

August 2015

Footballiverse 4 is a place in which David Moyes is still manager of Manchester United. That’s it.

It is a warm, early autumn evening in Manchester. In the manager’s office, David Moyes is sat, reclined in his leather chair, feet on his desk. He is wearing a United tracksuit and eating a Pot Noodle (curry flavour). Across the hunk of wood from him is the Big Wood himself, Ed ‘Big Wood’ Woodward. It is the 31st of August, deadline day on the Continent. Ed is checking his phone.

“Whatcha lookin’ at Ed?” Moyes asks through a be-noodled mouth “Not tryna sell anymore of our players are ya?”
Moyes gives a chuckle. Ed shifts uneasily, though Moyes, distracted by a noodle he’s just dropped down his front, doesn’t notice.

“Y’know,” the manager carried on “I’m real happy about the work we’ve done in this window. Jags’ll work wonders for the defence, everyone’ll really learn a lot from him (that’ll show Rio), an’ getting big Timmy Cahill for peanuts was just grand Eddy.”
“Hehe, yes master,” Ed snivelled.

“I’m thinking we stick with Marouane up top but we move Cahill in alongside him, bump Wazza back to the midfield, y’know how he keeps going on about playing there. Yeah, Youngy on the left, Tony V on the right, Jags and Jones at the back and the rest sorts itself out.”

Moyes finished his Pot Noodle and disposed of the pot and disposable fork in the bin by his chair.
“Anyway,” he said “Where are we on selling De Gea to Real?”
“Yeeesss,” drawled Ed “Are you sure it’s Real Sociedad you want to sell him to?”
“Yup,” Moyes said, pulling his feet down off his desk, suddenly very serious “Sir Alex said he wouldn’t sell Madrid a virus so I’m not going to sell them our best player. And anyway, you told me you were driving a hard bargain. Not many keepers go for £12m.”
“Bu-“
“No buts, Ed, it’s what Sir Alex would have wanted.”

Ed nodded dutifully.
“Anyway,” Moyes carried on “Could you take a look over what I want to say before the Liverpool game? I know we’ve got the international break in between but, y’know…”
Ed nodded eagerly “Yes, master, of course, master.”
Ed’s eyes scanned the pages as he read, speaking the words quietly as he went.

“…Liverpool have a great history and it would be an honour to be considered their equals…”
“Yes,” cut in Moyes “I wasn’t sure about that part.”
“It’s very respectful master.”
“I know. It’s just the fans don’t seem to like that kind of thing. I was thinking of changing it.”
“What to?”
“I’ve got a draft, hold on.”

Moyes opened a drawer to fetch his draft alternative, pausing only briefly to gaze at the framed picture of himself and Sir Alex Ferguson on his desk.
“Here it is,” he said. He cleared his throat.

“Fuck those fuckers. I hope we fucking trash their balls off and send them down to the Championship where they deserve to be. There’s a reason I took the United job after the Everton one – so that I could legitimately keep my hatred of those red Scousers alive.”

Moyes looked up.
“So, whaddya think. The soft version or the aggressive one?”
Ed shifted uneasily in his seat.
“The respectful one, I think, master.”

—————–
Footballiversity #11 will be available on the 7th of October.