Here’s 5 things we learned on the night we finally kissed goodbye to our quadruple dreams:

1. Fuck you city and fuck you pep we won you so hard

2. I didn’t think Tony M was very good and Lingard geno looks like someone who just happened to walk into the changing room once and nobody checked who he really was. That aside it was almost OK.

3. We should try to score more goals when we need to score more goals. This seems pretty basic learnz but I’m not sure anyone has told the team.

4. Ole is the only manager to have beaten Pep at the Etihad, twice. Let that sink in.

5. Lingard geno does look like someone who just happened to walk into the changing room once and nobody checked who he really was. They should check who he is.

6. The Mandalorian was great. Can’t believe they ate Salacious Crumb though

 (@tom_mcghee)

Can’t do words tonight pals I am too tired from all the masturbating

Prediction: Dutch rudder the fuck outta me bro

(@Benglorious)

I’m with Tom. Like, we’re in the same place. Wanking too much

Prediction: Pass the butter

(@bifurcated_utd)

I’ve got a feeling (Woohoo!) that tonight’s gonna be a good night, that tonight’s gonna be a good good night…

This is going to be Bayern CL final 99 x PSG CL 2019!

Prediction: maybe I’ve misjudged the above. Not their bit

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Great round for Uniteds

2. Bad luck Spurs

3. Pogba’s contribution to the penalty shoot out was inspired

4. I didn’t see it. I was watching Elementary, which is a show about Sherlock Holmes and Lucy Liu

5. No-one was watching it it wasn’t on television, the only way to respectfully watch football

(@Benglorious)

YOU SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL TEAM

Prediction:  0-0 United.

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

Who the fuck are we playing now? Oh wait is it Brighton? Everyone is moaning about a bottle of wine.

Prediction: Why don’t you just bum Julia Caesar? 0-0 United

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

Hey lads! Think you mean WINEing!

Prediction: Might do. The Salad Cunt. 0-0 United.

 @Benglorious)

I like watching football when we win. I won’t be watching tonight.

Prediction: Lukaku to bullseye womp rats in his T-16 back home. 0-0 United.

m

m

 (@tom_mcghee)

As the questions over Brett’s tenuous grasp of reality continue to flood the secret DM group that me and Benno have, it’s time that someone provided the answers to both of them:

1. No fucking chance

2.We’ll split it 50/50, bagsy his shoes

Prediction: CRISIS. 3-0 United

m

(@bifurcated_utd)

As the questions over Mourinho’s tactics continue to flood the mainstream media, it’s time that someone provided the answers to ALL of them:

1. Yes.

2. No.

3. No.

4. Occasionally.

5. Sometimes.

6. Once.

7. Yes.

8. 6.

9. Yes.

10. Chelsea.

11. No.

12. Yes.

13. Chelsea.

14. 10.

15. January.

16. Yes.

17. 2013.

18. Chelsea.

19. Yes.

20. Yes.

21. Arsenal.

22. No.

23. 45.

24. Yes.

25. No.

26. Paris.

27. Yellow.

28. Michael Atherton.

29. No.

30. No.

31. Toast.

32. Yes.

33. Chelsea.

Prediction: Yes. 0-0 United.

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!

AND NOW YOU’RE GONNA BELIEVE US!

WE’RE GONNA WIN THE LEAGUE cup!

Here’s 5 things we learned after our momentous day out at Wemberley:

1. Winning is good when you’re hungover.

2. It’s also good at other times.

3. Can’t decide if Lingard is good or not.

4. I can’t decide if Lingard is bad or not.

5. I remember when I had my fi

6. It’s funny watching everyone cry about us winning. Really, really, satisfyingly funny.

7. This is only here to re-emphasise our 6th point.

(@Benglorious)

If I get time, I’ll do the best Southampton joke there’s ever been. If I don’t get time, I’ll just mention Craig David.

Prediction: I may miss the start of the match so someone will have to fill me in. This is our most important match of the last seven days. Pogba was born to do it. What’s your flava? 0-0 United.

 (@tom_mcghee)

Tried to rename this section as the ‘Claudio Ranieri Tribute Edition’ but was shot down by fascists and scumbags (Brett). The fact this final is still being played is a slap in the face to all that’s decent (Claudio Ranieri) in football and only serves to highlight the ever-widening chasm between the haves and haven’ts (have nots) in our national game – if the spineless FA had any spine, they’d’ve rebadged it as ‘The Ranieri Final and thanks for winning the league that time’ but I guess modern football has no time for heroes.

We’re playing Southampton, a town famous for sinking the Titanic.

Claudio Ranieri (2017)

What a fairytale i.e. unbelievable. Born in 1951, he is a year younger than my dad. Has my dad ever won the league? No. Should he have? Yes. Good one, Dad. All my clothes now have his initials on (Claudio’s. I’m not weird) That aside, pretty good.

Prediction: Throw-ins. Few corners/goal kicks/freekicks. No pens. 2-0 United, Ibra brace/booked for revealing new Claudio Ranieri back tattoo.

(@bifurcated_utd)

I am completely behind the renaming of this this section the ‘Claudio Ranieri Tribute Edition’, and not to point fingers but who is the one who has not (hasn’t) written anything i.e is the fascist and is the scumbag (Benno).

I have done all the research on Southampton and it has proved rewarding. When the North, East, West and South of Ampton split following the great Ampton Splitting In To Four Parts War of the early 1100s, it was widely thought that in 2017 someone with all that time to prepare would be able to write a preview joke.

Prediction: 90 minutes of pure time. Plus a few more minutes where appropriate. Pens. If appropriate. 0-0 United.

Another cup final! This United is the United I know and love. I always knew this would work out. Mourinho is a massive bellend.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Power cuts are lame (TV runs on electricity).

2. The second half made me miss the power cut.

3. Assumed as soon as he got the record he’d move to China. Worrying imho.

5. AND NOW YOU’RE etc

4. This is weird when I have to do it.

6. Please come back, Brett.

7. Don’t.