Bite us.

Here’s 5 things we learned at the weekend:

1. We’re shit.

2. I cannot adequately express the rage I experience watching Wayne Rooney try and play football. It is embarrassing. He must know it’s embarrassing. Fuck off m8.

3. I think 1 & 2 covers it.

4. Tom covered it.

5. See 4.

Bournemouth were left speechless – GEDDIT?! cos mouth – as Juan Marta – GEDDIT?! cos sub – Wane Rooney – GEDDIT?! cos last 21 years – and Zlatan Ibrahitthenets – GEDDIT?! cos goals – hit them for six divided by two – GEDDIT?! cos maths and idiom*.

If the English Premier League stopped right now we would be crowned Champions. Providing when they stopped, they didn’t just stop completely, and were professional enough to want to complete all outstanding admin and tie up all loose ends. If they’re just stopping and fucking off to some diamond money superyacht in the Seychelles Islands, then we’re no better off than when Moyes was ‘ere.

*idiot.

‘Ere’s 5 tings us be learning abaat dat innit – GEDDIT?! cos street:

A) Didn’t watch it.

1. Having Shaw back is ace as he is ace.

2. Fellaini surprisingly not awful. Assume we’re in different timeline, will keep eye on.

3. Zlatan has converted me to love all things Swedish (I was holding a grudge over Saab)

4. Rooney is still bad. Is there a timeline where he isn’t? (I think you mean ‘when’? Lol. Abed)

5. Eric Bailly = opposite of London i.e. is actually good.

I) Something really caught my eye: a low hanging branch when I was on the way home this morning from my night shift. I was asleep when the football was on ie didn’t watch it. Even with my one good eye.