Thought for the Day: You can turn too many corners.

Benno (@Benglorious)

I don’t know much about replays (nobody does) but I really don’t want to sit through that drab 0-0 again (nobody does), so why BT Sport are showing the game again, nobody does.  It would make more sense (the cup’s format, not that previous sentence) for the two teams involved to play a completely new game as a way of deciding who goes through to the next round of the FA Cup to get knocked out by Norwich.  They could call this sort of game: “A Way Of Deciding Who Goes Through To The Next Round Of The FA Cup To Get Knocked Out By Norwich Brought To You By Ladbrokes And PG Tips And Lambrini And Milk”.  They could also put the game on telly.  People like telly.

Prediction:  If this is a completely new game, United will not make the same mistake twice that they’ve already done five or six times this season.  What this mistake is, nobody knows, but it’s cost Vangle points, ergo: it’s cost him prizes as well.  This has left Mrs Vangle still longing for a new Sodastream.  To ensure that Mrs V has an endless supply of drinks that stay fizzy for no more than forty seconds, United will pull out all the stops to get a comfortable win.  Fletcher will marshall the midfield alongside the rejuvenated Anderson leaving Rooney to play in his preferred role in attack.  He will gel seamlessly with Robin and they will score two goals each whilst the back four shut out the Cambridge attack with an effortless display.  1-0 Cambridge.

In the spotlight this week is Michael Carrick: He loves Stephen Fry novels, draught excluding and he never misses an episode of That 7o’s Show:

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

Was just gonna copy and paste what I wrote last time but turns out it was just a brief tirade about friday night football. This week, I will be mostly complaining about the pronunciation of ‘Cambridge': What’s the river called? The River Cam. So its Cam-bridge, not Camebridge. And these people are supposed to be our best and brightest. Idiots.

This is where a lazy writer would make a joke about the EuroMillions and it being the wrong day.

Prediction:  More goals than man, twisted and evil. FT: 12-12, United – the red ones – to go through on goodwill and camaraderie. 

Brett (@bifurcated_mufc)

Kags, Chich, Danny, Apollo, Fletch, Mickey, Adrian, and now with Andesron leaving, that’s the last time we’ll see the Crazy Gang down Arnold’s. Apparently, even though Fletch claimed Chich and Kags hated each other, the fall out came years after; and that kiss was genuine. I’m just going to reflect on this paragraph before I continue.  .eunitnoc I erofeb hpargarap siht no tcelfer ot gniog tsuj m’I .eniuneg saw ssik taht dna after; sraey emac tuo llaf eht ,rehto hcae detah sgaK dna hcihC demialc hctelF hguoht neve ,yltnerappA .s’dlonrA nwod gnaG yzarC eht ees ll’ew emit tsal eht s’taht ,gnivael norsednA htiw won dna ,nairdA ,yekciM ,hctelF ,ollopA ,ynnaD ,hcihC ,sgaK

BOOM! And not only is that a brilliant joke about “reflecting”, it works wonders for my word count. Though, having said that, as they’re not actually words, not sure they actually count in the word count? I suppose it doesn’t matter too much because this paragraph has done just about the same job. Just need one more word. There.

Vangle needs to rethink everything apart from his hair imo. I know that’s at least 27 things after the last time I made a list of everything; so he’s got his work cut out. And he cuts his work out using Dutch Hallmark phrases poorly translated through Google Translate shaped into the concept of left handed safety scissors … but het is een marathon geen sprint.

Cambridge boss Cash Money said beating us tonight would be like winning the EuroMillions, but he’s made a classic error there in appropriating the joke with the wrong day. When we played them on a Friday that would have worked much better cos that’s when the EuroMillions draw actually takes place, so there’s an obvious etc…

Prediction: Tom to not have a clue how to use the simple copy and paste function, but make up some excuse about not wanting to. 4-1 United. The good one! No, the other one.

Ben (Benglorious):

Champions League quarter finals, eh?  Whodathunkit after the season we’ve had, eh?  Hang on…  Why are they called ‘quarter finals’ anyway?  Do the matches only last twenty-two and a half minutes or are we only allowed two and three-quarter players on the pitch?  I suppose nobody will ever know.

I did some research into our opponents, and it turns out that this is the first time we’ve ever played Bayern Munich.  We did beat a Bayern München in 1999 to complete some sort of historic ‘trouble’.  Actually, now that I think about it, I DID have a lot of trouble getting down Deansgate to work one day that year, due to thousands of people shouting at a bus.  Maybe the two things were related?  Again, nobody will ever know.

Players to watch out for tonight include the facially-scarred evil Gary Neville, or Gary N-evil; Stefefefefefan Effefefefefefenberg, the Swedish goal-machine, and; Dante, who’s taken time off from his scribblings about the human soul to become one of the world’s most coveted defenders.

Prediction:  Apparently, Shinji never lost a game against these guys whilst he played in Germany, so I’m expecting him to score at least two from his preferred position sitting behind David Moyes.  I’m also expecting Rooney to score from 77 yards tonight, cementing a comfortable, albeit unexpected win to cheer up all the United fans.  1-0 Bayern.

Mum’s got a LG 15″ LCD monitor up for grabs if you want it.  Let me know or it’s going to Oxfam.

About the author:  I lost my first draft of this, so actually used my prodigious memory for something other than rubbish jokes and movie quotes for the first time in 20 years.

.

Tom (@Tom_McGhee):

I have to say, regardless of the history, the occasion, and despite being a personal fan, I have never rated Baron Munchausen. Although it has all the trademarks usually associated with Gilliam’s work – it looks voluptous, the pythonesque surrealism etc – there’s no real sense of proportion to the visual magnificence and narrative. Whereas Twelve Monkeys uses the surreal to propel and assist the story, Baron simply degenerates into a sprawling mess of over-blown ideas and narcissism. It’s a sad indictment of our season that come the quarter-finals of the Champions League, we’re discussing the life and works of Terry Gilliam rather than some top European football….

Anyway, that said, I do have some good news: earlier this week, whilst in the first class lounge awaiting another international flight to Miami,  I did have the good fortune to bump into a certain character popular amongst fans this season – what follows is the subsequent and very impromptu interview.

TM: What with SAF retiring, David Moyes tenure getting off to a less than auspiscious start and in relation to your own well-documented set-backs, what do you make of DM’s United career so far?

LZ: To be honest – and this is perhaps easier for me because I’m essentially a sentient machine with incredible power – it kinda reminds me of Starscream’s ill-fated stab at command after Megatron’s “death” after the Battle of Autobot City* ie Not the best.

TM: As a galactic warlord who is renowned for his ruthlessness (who can forget Nebulos?!), how would you address the current predicament?

LZ: In the old days, Megatron would just order Scorched Earth, annihilate everyone involved and start over with powerful incentive driven demands. However, given the binary bonding process that led to the ceation of Head/Target/Power Masters, I’d advise cutting your losses, bringing in Klopp and giving him in free rein to rebuild the team. But then I again, I support QPR! (laughs)

TM: Do you think we’ll be back in the frame next season?

LZ: No F*&%ing chance

TM: Messi or Ronaldo?

LZ: Ronaldo for me – Messi is like Optimus Prime; he’s awesome but he’s just such a boy scout its hard to like him – he just makes you feel worse about yourself. No, if I was a footballer, I’d be Ronaldo – powerful, fast, my own underwear collection and totally consumed by self-interest.

TM: Since the threat of Unicorn and your apparent ceasefire/self-sacrifice, has there been any definitive talks for a permanent peace?

LZ: Who writes these questions? (laughs) right – firstly, that whole spiel was done to sell shirts, nothing more; it was out of character, served no real purpose – I’m a machine, just rebuild me?! – and was handled with such an over-abundance of sentimentality it besmirched nearly everything else I’d achieved. Secondly – everyone’s always banging on about the Cybertronian Wars….put it this way: there’s ONLY Liverpool and United fans in existence. And you’ve got guns.

TM: And finally: Do you feel short-changed by the increasingly inept Transformers franchise?

LZ: Yes. Yes I do.

*Zarak went on to suggest that calling it a city, when it clearly only had about 12 inhabitants, was just one of the reasons the Autobots really grind his gears.

Just been told that interviewing Lord Zarak (aka Scorponok) doesn’t count as a thing and that it’s Bayern Munich we’re playing. Which does make more sense if I’m honest. If this were Transformers, Bayern would go 2-0 up, a leader would fall (Let’s say Rio. It’s for the best) and a young upstart (Welbz obvs) would seize the Creation Matrix enabling United to win 7-2. But this isnt Transformers. Despite the lack of coherence and shoddy animation.

Prediction: Man will eventually develop telekinesis

.

Brett:

There’s no point in this opening paragraph. I genuinely do think Bayern are over-rated, though that looks really rubbish now as an opening bit, cos of what Tom said in his opening bit – thanks Tom, yeah, love you too. Didn’t think it was true what they* said about you, but now I’m coming round. I was going to say something about never telling anyone that and then I was going to go on to say that it’s because they’ll chuck ugly things at me like facts and reason and all that. But since the incident that I just mentioned what with Tom getting his opening bit in first I can’t be b

Whatever else is going on at United, getting this far in the Champions’ League should be seen as a wonderful opportunity for Bayern to rotate their squad, rest a few players, try out some set plays, that sort of thing – before things get serious for them in the next round.

A midfield of Giggs, Fellaini and Fletch would please me. Though in all honesty any midfield we pick could get the upper-hand over theirs, so long as they give us a 3,475 pass head start. Though taking into account our passing accuracy, better round that up to nearer 3,476.

As for Pep Guardiolaaaaaaaaah aaaah.Haha! Not again lads. You nearly had me there. Growing a team in his back garden is he? Using canes to prop the midfield up no doubt? Hey?! Don’t tell me he’s … Oh, that’s Gladioli. Anyway, Pep Guardiola. Nice one. You’ll have to get up a lot earlier on April Fools Day etc Haha!                                                      Ha.                                                                          Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Ha.

Regardless of how well we won’t or really won’t play, I’m looking forward to participating in the experience and experiencing my participation in it.

Prediction: 1-1. The regulars to do an impression of me by putting on a Northern accent and ‘bigging up Danny’, when they think I’m not looking – though I’m secretly actually looking. Then to blank me when I try to join in any conversation, though I actually don’t want to even join in their rotten conversation. And then Mike’s teenage son to round the night off perfectly by looking at me with utter disdain, as I sit in the corner, alone. Oh, wait, that was every other week. Maybe tonight it will all be different…

*your family

Ha.

If Moyes was trying to upset me, then he was going about it in exactly the right way in attempting to replace Carrick with Tony in the opening ten minutes. Carrick was injured, so potentially needed replacing – I get that – but why not bring on Fletcher? In readying Tony, Moyes gave one of the clearest indications yet of how helpless he feels. The other team have scored a goal in the opening minute, so let’s throw our gameplan out the window.

Positives (sort of, not really): Fellaini’s impression of himself was incredible – a real tour de force! That’s it.

At least we don’t have to face the embarrassment of playing anyone like say the European Champions any time soon.

I’m trialling a less is more approa

I know, I know … it’s getting a little scary/scarey now. Oh, I was talking about the black toe I’ve got from wearing ill-fitting shoes just before Christmas, what were you talking about? Oh, the fact I’m getting all the scores right! Of course! I had barely noticed.

Really is proper good to see Fletch back, though that’s not to say he is the answer, or that he’ll be any sort of answer, or if there is an answer (wait, what was the question?), until he’s had at the very least a month to get some match sharpnessness backness. Still.

I think that a couple of months ago we wouldn’t have won that game. For a start we weren’t playing it back then. Christmas is always – as far as I remember, though I do have a selective memory based on the point I’m trying to make – a time when we don’t play well, and either grind out results or don’t. No wait, that’s Fergie’s last few seasons. I’ve got confused again.

Nice goal from Rooney; what a way to go.

As I correctly guessed the Villa result and scorers, and then almost got the West Ham score and scorers too … I don’t know where this sentence is going, I’m going to abandon it. Was just trying to crowbar in what I’d done. That was it really.

Hull are at that level of doing well – relative to what people may have expected at the start of the season – that we have to sit through Match of the Day pundits picking out players from their team in a ‘there’s-only-a-top-six-or-8-and-the-rest-of-the-league-are-also-rans’ patronising manner: “Oooh look they have players who can kick a ball in a straight place, who knew?!” They picked out Tom Huddlestone recently. Lol. Anyway there’s a point in here somewhere, tell me if you find it. Of course, there might not be.

Another thing I was going to say is this: have I told you how much I love, and I mean ABSOLUTELY LOVE, how Steve Bruce’s physical appearance is a thing that people attack as if it’s fair game. I don’t.

Fletch is back which hopefully indicates he’s really back, and not that we’re a little short in numbers. I’m definitely going with the former – what an incredible thing to happen. Fletch, for me, represents one of the kind of players we’ve been missing.

Cleverley getting a good run in the team is good. Good.

Anyway, this post is all a bit serious … get outta here … save yourselves! Enjoy your Christmas.

Props to Ashley Young. He’s gonna need ‘em

Prediction: 2-3. Danny with his customary two. I actually think we’re going to come from behind twice, and it’s going to end up 2-2. I dunno. Chris Woods and Phil Neville to take off their masks to reveal they were each other all along, and the previous 40-odd years of their respective lives has been a sham, and it’s only now at Christmas that they can fully appreciate that. Did not see that coming.

All hail: Young Ashley’s goal; Patrice’s goal; Fletch getting more minutes and promising he’s all better; Rooney being out and giving Danny a chance; the result.

I’ve run out of things to hail. Bored now.

Potentially a nice little run of fixtures over the next couple of weeks. Who’d bet against us being in the top 4 when we play Spurs? Well, you can count me out, I’m an ex-gambling addict…

Nowadays, under Sparky (or as he’s now known ‘Mark Hughes’), tonight’s opponents can be weaselly distinguished, by their stokally different playing style, or something. I didn’t really think that opening sentence through. I imagine they’re still the same: Crouch with the occasional bit of magic and less occasional attempt at an overhead kick when it’s easier to head it. Etherington having a decent-ish game for Match of the Day to talk about once a season. Walters missing penalties. Adam (or Adams as some like to call him) trying to be a hero*. I’m bored.

*lol

I’d really like to see Danny continue up-front after his couple of goals at the weekend, but David Tinkerlots of Tinkertown will no doubt feel the need/compulsion to rotate. Don’t get me wrong I appreciate the necessity to rotate and all that, but not when your form is as consistent as an inconsistent thing from inconsitentville, population Man U.

I’d like to not see Fletch rushed back, though again can see the case for doing so, what with our midfield as it isn’t. Bored again.

Wouldn’t it to be great to add the League Cup to the Charity Shield?!

Prediction: 1-1 aet (Us to win on kicks from the penalty spot). Danny with his customary two. Walters to be the misser.

Like I said a couple of posts ago (not to you, to the person reading over your shoulder), am on a no repeat trip at the moment, so not gonna say anything, unless there’s something new to say. But maybe read my pre-match thing, and then fall in love with me*.

*More in love with me.