Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Football is a great game. I love it so much.

2. It is the greatest game and I love it.

3. More like Mark IG-Noble !!

4. More like IDGI-Noble !!

5. I love football more than all of us and me combined.

(@Benglorious)

Having not watched the Spurs game due to being roped in to building some decking with the worst hangover of my adult life, I don’t feel I am in a position to comment on United’s form going into this Champions League match.

Prediction: We will fucking crush Benfica and make their six year-old goalkeeper cry. Lukaku to get cocky despite Han’s friendly warning. 0-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

“Football. Bloody Hell!” Now whilst Sir Alex was talking about…well let’s say some football, the words themselves could very easily be describing the new Assassin’s Creed game, if you don’t really pay attention to the words. It is set in Ancient Egypt and you play this guy who is proper mad at these other guys and you have an eagle and a camel but you can also have a horse and they help you get these bad guys aka the liberal media hahaha no not really they are also old Egyptians. S0 far, I would give it 4 out of 5 eagles.

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

According to Vietnamese-dwelling Rob Brown it is a mess of 5 different films. As with 95% of Rob’s output, this is bearded nonsense; it is actually good. Worth it for the Rock, Paper, Scissors gag imho. And Jeff Goldblum is in it.

Prediction: Mourinho to actually leap into crowd and stab 16 United fans. 2-0 United based on no idea who we are playing. Hope this helps.

(@bifurcated_utd)

Dennis Viollet: A United Man (2016)

No sign of Fred the Red or Duncan from Blue. That aside, pretty good Nando’s.

Prediction: Mourinho will never be able to stab that many United fans during the match, cos they all live in London, and even travelling on the M6 toll road would only cut journey time by appr etc. 0-0 United 

IT’S FINALLY OVER!!  NO MORE FOOTBALL EXCEPT THE CHAMPIONS LEAGUE FINAL AND THE WOMEN’S WORLD CUP WHICH WE LOVE AND THE COPA AMERICA SO IN REALITY THERE’S SOME FOOTBALL BUT IT’S NOT REAL FOOTBALL!!  We asked our handsome and witty internet friends, us, to ask us some questions about the football that happened while we were busy manufacturing the comedy gold you’ve come to worship because we thought we should do a review because all the cool kids are doing them but we only do previews which are like reviews but before the view has been re’d so therefore p=x where x is when I lost my train of thought.

These are the questions that Brett thought best summed up how we could review the season with the most minimum effort required:

1. Favourite Baller of the whole term?

2. Favouritest ball in the net shot?

3. Favourite home shirt colour?

4. Best Phil Jones moment that actually resembled a real football manouevre?

5. Best thing you saw happen with your own two eyes that wasn’t just a thing you heard about on the internet and then talked about until you actually believed you’d witnessed it yourself?

6. Why were the Thundercats loose?

7. Match you hated least?

8. Who is this?

9. Best stolen tweet?

10. Best Sepp Blatter?

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Are we writing answers here or under each question in different colours/with our avis, can we use videos and how do we add videos and why do we bother?

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

1. I have to say, the Best of the Beatles.

2. When Mata scored the goal that looked like his legs were scissors and it was against that team that didn’t make Champions League

3. Pantone 1664 TPX

4. [FOOTAGE NOT FOUND]

5. Avengers: Age of Ultron

6. They weren’t so much ‘loose’ as they were fleeing the total destruction of their home world, Thundera. Surviving in stasis thanks to the noble sacrifice of Jaga, who piloted the ship until death (and then went very Obi-Wan with Lion-O. Can’t believe LucasFilm let that slide to be honest), the Thundercats eventually arrived Third Earth and were then ‘loosened’ upon discovery that they were not only followed by old mutant enemies but also under threat from Mumm-Ra, the ever-living. Although that was misleading because it only seemed to work if he slept for like 5 days at a time and never really did much.

7. I enjoyed the little flurry of results where we beat Spurs, City and The Steven Gerrard Tribute team. So those.

8. I’ll never tell

9. Has to be Lucia’s. Damn that Scott fella for making me confess.

10. Sepp Blatter. Has to be.

Also, can we change my picture back? I look like Matt Lucas after the weight loss.

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    Brett (@bifurcated_utd)

1.  Paul.

2. The one where it was a kick and then it went in the side, and then we were all like “get in!”, and then it maybe wasn’t in, cos no-one was celebrating, and then we were all like “why is no-one celebrating?”, and then it wasn’t in and we were all like “Lol, I was sure that had gone in the net and not in the side!” and then after about some more minutes there was still someone who was all like “was it a goal or not?” and we were all like “shut up!” and they were all like “no” and then we were all like “yes”.

3. N/A I only like away shirt colours.

4. His name bit.

5. I didn’t see anything. The next thing I knew the jury was on fire.

6. Contrary to Tom’s theory on the origin of the term ‘loose’ with reference to the aforementioned Thundercats, it was in fact composer of the theme tune, Bernard Hoffer, who did something I haven’t made up as true. Thundercats creator Tobin Wolf was probably none too pleased when he heard it for the first time, but he probably grew to like it, eventually. He had it played at his wedding for the first dance with his wife – the cartoon actor who played Snarf irl, and at his funeral. Probably.

7. I just love all of them a lot.

8. Him.

9. @uptownbridal: Today we’re obsessing over Rachel & Doug!! The cake… the greenery… the stolen glances! #uptownbridal 

10. Angela Lansbury.

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 Benno (@Benglorious)

Oh.  I see what you’re doing.

1. Gotta be Roondog.  Captain supreme.  Led by example and that’s not Example the rapster whose real life name is EG, I’m talking about the good example.  BURN.  Roonface never missed a game even when he’d been knocked up by Gnarls Bardsley that time and then fell over on the grass.  Does that make him cray-zeh?

2. Charlie Adams’s’s’s’s’s’s’s goal against Chelsea was very good and I expressed this quite eloquently on the Twitter:

However, the correct answer is any goal scored against Liverpool by any player at any time in history.

3. I’m colourblind so I find this question extremely insensitive, as well as being impossible to answer.  Red.

4. He took a corner.  For Manchester United.  In a real match.  He wasn’t the only player on the pitch.  He took a corner.

5. I’m no grass.

6.  My scroll thing has stopped working and I can’t remember what the other questions were.

7. The Desert Rats.

8. Breakfast at Tiffany’s.

9. Deep midwicket.

10. The Hamburglar.

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 Tom (@tom_mcghee)

That was the season that was.  Pretty sure it had a 4 and an apostrophe in it somewhere.  We’d like to thank all three of you for reading our stuff week in, week out.  I’m only sorry that there’s not more games in a season so we could keep doing the same jokes even more.  Please direct all complaints to my personal twitter account which is linked above twice and is also right after this colon: @tom_mcghee I put it in italics because I clicked something and I don’t know how to change it back.  All compliments regarding anything should go to Brett: @bifurcated_utd because everything is his idea and he’s got that gun.  All the money should go to Benno: @Benglorious because he’s the comedic mastermind behind the very best of @bifurcated_MBM when we aren’t stealing jokes.  Just look at the amount of effort that went into this virus tweet:

Pure fire, I’m sure you’ll both agree.  Weren’t there three of you a minute ago?  Who is this?

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FIN

Written and directed by Brett A.

Additional writing by Tom Mc.

More additional writing by Benno L.

Art direction by Hieronymous B.

Catering by Burger K.

Post production by Photo S.

Casting by Plaster o’P.

Score and musical selection by Chuck D.

Soundtrack available on 3.5″ floppy disc from all good floppy disc retailers

No animals were harmed during this production because we don’t class people as animals

© MCHAMMER

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Footballiversity Issue #5 – Footballiverse ¼

March

In honour of the release date of this oh so anticipated issue of Footballiversity, Footballiverse ¼ is the land of the April Fool and is one of the Footballiverses that is most similar to our own. Basically, well, you’ll see…

[We are in a television studio. APRIL FO- no, I’m kidding, we really are actually in a television studio. More specifically, a television news studio. Alex, the dashing young news anchor, has just handed over to Jo for the month’s sports news. (Both of them are trying to avoid having to speak to Mike, the weather guy, because everybody hates Mike. He’s a bit of a jerk. This isn’t relevant to the story, but, y’know, you’d hate Mike too if you knew him. He’s a real ass. Laughs at Farage’s jokes, thinks Katie Hopkins ‘has a point’, etc etc etc)]

(ALEX): And now here’s Jo with the sport.

(JO): Thanks, Alex. This month of course saw tremendous displays of sportsmanship and level-headed media reaction from ex-professionals and non-ex-professionals alike.

APRIL FOOLS, hahahahahahaha

ACTUALLY, Jonny Evans and Papisse Cisse had a kicking and spitting match which was a little pathetic, but not quite as pathetic as EVERY EX-PLAYER WORKING IN PUNDITRY scrambling over each other to say that spitting is STONE DEAD THE WORST THING THAT CAN HAPPEN ON A FOOTBALL PITCH. Perhaps unsurprisingly, the Venn diagram of players who said this and players who have been, say, racially abused or on the end of career ending tackles looked like a pair of Harry Potter’s specs.

IN OTHER NEWS, football has shed its sexist image and is embarking on a long voyage of gender equality.

APRIL FOOLS, hahahahahahah- actually, this isn’t very funny

Video footage emerged of Manchester United, Man City, and Arsenal fans shouting sexist BS at Chelsea doctor Eva Carneiro, as well as fans in the Football League yelling similar stuff at a lineswoman. FFS LADS, cut these thought processes the hell out of your lives. Along similar lines, not only do Manchester United not have a women’s team, which is increasingly the norm these days, but it was confirmed that they don’t even have plans to set one up anytime soon.

AND FINALLY, on a lighter note, Steven Gerrard – the real captain, leader, legend, and Phil Collins’ greatest fan – continued his glorious road to retirement with a stellar performance against arch-rivals Manchester United, in his final game against them with Liverpool at Anfield.

…….. (draws a breath)

APRIL FOOLS, HE GOT SENT OFF WITHIN FORTY SECONDS OF BEING SUBBED ON AT HALF TIME AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA – seriously, nothing against the man and I wish him a long and happy life with his family but this is too funny – HAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA HAHAHAHHAAHAHAHHAHAHAH AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

[Editor’s note: We have a certain page limit for these Footballiversity issues so we’ll have to end things here, but just imagine that those AHAHAHAHAs continue off into the distance, fading into a beautiful, soothing sunset. Chelsea are still first and all the rubbish teams are still rubbish if you’re interested in those things.]

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Footballiversty #6: April, will be out on May 6^th (hey, look, evil Star Wars day. What do you mean you’ve never heard of evil Star Wars day? May the sixth be with you. May the SIXTH. Like the Sith. Geddit? May the SITH be with you. And it’s evil Star Wars day because, you know what, never mind)

Nothing obliterates the myth that modern footballers “do their homework” in state of the art video suites more, than Ashley Young’s trick still beating any amount of full backs than is reasonable. They’re playing Daley Thompson on their Sinclair Spectrums, like the rest of us.

p.s Down with the return of Ashley Young’s tendrils and that sort of thing.

For any other thoughts on the game, I might have, you can read here: I have no other thoughts on the game.

Thought for the day: Players are ‘muted’ after a goal against an old team, but not out of respect. Players kiss the badge, but not because they love the club. Players run to the fans, but not because they love they fans. They’re all affectations, pseudo-behaviours, one dimensional motifs belonging to the modern egotist who wants to be perceived in all dimensions, but can’t be bothered to put the time in. Perhaps the most honest of all aped celebrations is the one where the player points to his own name. Players have become hyper-aware of themselves as a product and that in itself is enough to manipulate their individual role in the narrative, so altering the whole. Football seasons are becoming impostors.