Pogba and Martial were the conductors collecting tickets, as the passengers from the North East were left without a seat in the first class carriage, cos Martial and Pogba had reserved them for themselves, and they weren’t moving for anyone, even small children and pensioners cos their goals were purchased online weeks in advance. Choo-Choo – one more like, cos of the trains. Full steam ahead!!

Here’s 5 things we learned at the festive football buffet cart:

1. Martial = actually good.

2. Pogba = actually good.

3. Fellaini = actually not *that* bad unless you compare him everyone else who is actually good.

4. Suck it Lee Mason, you bastard chimera of foreskin and Phil Mitchell.

5. See 1-4 above.

6. 1 to 4 or 1 minus 4? Both = actually good. Just not sure our audience would appreciate the intricacies/intelligenceness of the arguments raised/consideredness by -3. Or any of our – points. Hence, I only ever publish the 5 plus points.

7. Bob Mortified more like.