jfc, I can’t keep up with this roller coaster of emotions: one week I don’t care, and the next I couldn’t care less.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. “You wouldn’t have saved that with two keepers”. Well, who’s laughing now?

2. I don’t know should I know? Re: laughing

3. Bruno is the best player since Ian Marshall, a thing I do not say lightly

4. That’s nice for Fred he’s had a helluva time

5. Why don’t they let us play against 10 men every week it was much easier

6. So, what’s the answer to 2. Re: I don’t know should I know? Re: laughing

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Having a midfielder who can pass accurately and quickly is handy. Also a guy who can take corners. Seems so obvious with hindsight.

2. Fred is a delight

3. Luke Shaw is quite clearly 90% pancakes now

4. I liked it when Scud was telling Blade that he’d been a familiar the whole time and that the bomb was a dud and laughed at Blade but then Blade was all ‘I knew the whole time you fucking melt’ and then blew him up

5. I concur

6. lol @ I concur

(@Benglorious)

More dog gifs.

Prediction: as above

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

Have we discussed how much fred reminds me of Jar Jar Binks and how racist is that on a scale of Paul to Donald Trump

Prediction: Also autocorrect made jar jar banks into jar jar bunks on my phone and that is his name now

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

Remember when we used to give a fuck and do pictures and shit.

Prediction: Don’t remember.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Clothes shopping is fucking shit but not nearly as fucking shit as the football

2. Ooh check out continuity guy

3. I think we give him more time, 50 years if necessary – he’s building something godammit !!

4. Fred should be investigated under the trades description act

5. if thats even his real name

6. I think we should get Batistuta out of retirement

7. Fuck it, chuck a few quid at Michael Owen

8. Seriously considering putting a lot (£3.47) on a relegation battle bet why? Because I’m a ruddy bloke

For now.

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Good to see us win in the style of Manchester United of old

2. I didn’t watch it

3. I bet it was glorious though

4. Tbh I’ve been snorting coke off of Paul’s arse since 9am, so, fuck yeah

5. It was very meh. Pogba and Fred were good, everyone else not so much. Legit felt sorry for Mata. And Martial really needs to be good again and quickly; him and Lingard were very bad.

So, where were you? We agreed to meet at The Fleece at 6, so we’d get a good seat. I messaged you at 5 and nothing. I messaged you at 5:45; still nothing. I got myself a good seat thanks for asking and very much enjoyed the football game I watched, alone. WHERE WERE YOU!!!! ANSWER ME!!!!!

Here’s 5 things we learned:

1. Legit feel bad about the Fred poll he had a deece second half and I liked it when he told the PSG lot off for trying to banter Marcus

2. Same applies to Rom and McScotty and Smalling – have trashed them a lot of late and they made me look a fool, a ruddy fool (I’d been dialling 9, Lynn)

3. It was funny when Neymar saw his sister with another man

4. Marcus Rashford for God? Gets my vote (I’m not sure how gods work)

5. How lucky were we that Bailly decided he was injured rather than embarrassed

6. Didn’t watch it.

7. When you write a rhetorical question, you do need a question mark at the end(?)

 (@tom_mcghee)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BSG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BSG vs Manchester United: This time it’s Battlestar

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BATTLESTAR GALACTICA (BSG)

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens

Mr. Hoshi:

Admiral, picking up enemy contact on Dradus

Adama:

Launch Nukes

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

END CREDITS

Prediction: We all thank our lucky stars the above was just fiction. 3-0 United, the Ghost of Sanchez to score all 4 (ghost goals count less)

m

(@Benglorious)

We all know what happened when it was United vs PSG, but what might happen if it was United vs BFG?  I think it might look a little something like this…

BFG vs Manchester United: Giant on Giant

EXT. STADIUM IN PARIS

Crowds make their way into and around Stadium, general cacophony of people/traffic. Teams walk onto pitch, CL theme advert break

                                                                                                                   CUT TO:

INT. BIG FRIENDLY GIANT’S (BFG) HOUSE OR WHATEVER HE CALLS HOME PROBABLY A SWAMP OR A WEIRD TREE

Advert seen playing on one of many computer screens which are probably mushrooms or something

BFG (to itself):

Boy, I sure do love to pick my nose.

Fungus the Bogeyman:

I think you’re confusing yourself with me. Don’t you steal kids or break shit?

BFG: Yeah probably, I haven’t read it.

CUT TO:

EXT. SPACE.

Nukes blow up France

Prediction: The comeback to end all comebacks will not be televised. Something about squad average ages and injuries yawn yawn yawn. Evra to bite Neymar’s leg. 0-0 United.

M

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Our match day squad reads like a list of players who couldn’t get into the Manchester United Football Club end of season party, even after providing a valid ID, a letter from their parent, or guardian, and a recent gas bill. Which will make it all the more betterrer when we win handsomely.

Prediction: Geno will jizz myself to a death by cum bubbles, if we pull this off. Apologies to our younger readers for use of the term “pull this off”. Getting slightly aroused tbh. 0 – 0 United.

(@Benglorious)

Here’s yer boy with some more faultless logic – City thrashed Chelsea. Both City and United didn’t win in the Champions League last week. Ergo: United are as good as City. Double ergo: United will thrash Chelsea.

Prediction: Did you not read that flawless argument? ’nuff said. 0-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I will not be doing words out of respect for the death of the Labour Party also I hate Chelsea the cunts

Prediction: ‘I will not be doing words out of respect for the death of the Labour Party also I hate Chelsea the cunts’ to become my preview. Cunts.

MM

(@bifurcated_utd)

Ole’s march to the Treble continues tonight. After setting up the return leg with PSG perfectly last week, these “lazy, good-for-nothing, low-life scum sloths with pig trotters for hands, and snails for feet, with hearts made from shit, and really wet shit for brainless brains” (verbatim Chelsea Manager quote), will not know which day of the week it is when we’re finished with them. Monday.

Can’t wait for Ole to emerge for the post-match interview in a loin cloth, carrying Sarri’s head, resplendent with fag sticking out of its gob.

Prediction: Chelsea to abso destroy us, cos Alexis7 and Fred. 0 – 0 United.

Here’s another 5 things we learned:

1. I very legit cannot watch us atm, it is so fucking boring I would actively prefer talking to you two cunts

2.Someone needs to whack Sanchez.

3. At least we didn’t lose to wolves at home

4. It’s killing our vibe. How can you make a great a joke when your team is the a joke? It’s very upsetting.

5. Just read those tweets from your new friend from last week. Hope this helps with the vibes.

6. He was a good guy imho not at all hysterical