Brett still in Edinburgh so  bite us.

(@Benglorious)

There’s nothing better than a top of the table six-pointer the day before New Year’s Eve. Except for smart water. That shit is tight.

Prediction: Goals for all the players who pooped in Jose’s kettle at the Lowry. 11-0 United.

M

 (@tom_mcghee)

I am out of the office until Jan 4th. Please direct all enquiries to someone who gives a fuck.

Prediction: Valencia to be the best captain he can be and also home to those fine orange fruits that I forget the name of. 0-0 United.

M

(@bifurcated_utd)

The honeymoon period is clearly over as Ole Gunnar Scroogekjaer has scheduled his third game in charge to take place the day before New Year’s Eve, just to show who’s boss. Cos of my last preview about Boxing Day. Hashtag Theme.

Prediction: More boring goals. 0-0 United.

BifEUROcated

Tom (@tom_mcghee)

What the fuck Brett? I come into Bifurcated Towers, on the weekend, dodging mad nationalist pensioners, only to find youse pair have done less than me. I’ll be honest, I’ve mainly been playing GTA, watching Sopranos (It’s about the mafia) and watching the football so it’s kinda become one in my mind; can’t see Silvio without seeing old Ronaldo etc. That aside, pretty good. Messi’s free-kick was sublime. And remember: vote remain July 23rd.

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Benno (@Benglorious)

I’m with Tom on this apart from the GTA and Sopranos thing – I’ve literally been doing nothing apart from United research for next season’s previews. I ain’t got time to bleed. And by bleed I mean write things about the Euros. Apart from this one thing I’ve written just now. In summation: goals are good, Mark Lawrenson is bad.

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Brett (@bifurcated_utd)

I did the title with white letters again.

We also managed to not allow them to score for more minutes of the game than they scored in.

We also managed to keep one team from scoring all game.

We also managed to get on the telly.

What does Vangle have to do to convince you fickle, mal-contented, nothing-is-ever-good-enough, here today, gone tomorrow, fans???!!!

Here’s five things we learned that you were probably too pre-occupied by your personal vendettas to notice:

>) Wish we were Spurs.

:>) Wish I was dead.

(-0-) Like a TIE fighter lol. I also wish Benno was dead.

*flag*) I take that back. I don’t want Benno dead – he’s got so much to give.

X>) Too late.

^) Idiot.

Even though we’re writing this after the Sunderland game, and the 1 Euro League, we’re looking forward to taking this promisingness into the next two games and doing more wins in the Sunderland game and the 1 Euro League game. Guess we’ll have to wait and see, unless we never get to find out.

Here’s 5 things we learned about the history of the match that we’re talking about:

@) I tried to copy the one from the Daily Mirror but my eyes were bleeding too much.

Aubergine emoji) Memphis is bad. That aside, pretty good.

&) Passing the ball in injury time is a good idea if the ball goes to a teammate.

=) Blaming a player for passing the ball in injury time to not a teammate is a good idea if other players had no way of stopping the goal.

() Memphis is a good idea if he doesn’t play.

Roondo’s goooooooooooooalaaaaaaazo goal goal goal goal goal goal goal goal was only the second outing for the magic shin since records began, and propelled the absolute Leg.end to second in the all time biggest wastes of talent in all of our lifetimes combined to the power of time.

Here is 5 thing us learn:

Uno) Goals galvanise glorious gentleman.

Dos) Haterz gonna hate hate hate hate hate.

Tres) We can count to five in Welsh.

Fourso) Spoke to soon.