@Benglorious)

Remember when we got beat by Southampton because we wore a grey kit? Days so dark all we could taste were the bitter ashes of yet another measly premiership title. Our fourth one, for Christ’s sake. It still sickens me to my very core to think of this, even though twenty years have passed.

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Prediction: Lukaku to lose a hand during combat but get it replaced with a sweet, sweet robot hand and not a hook. 4-0 United.

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 (@tom_mcghee)

Not sure if we’ve mentioned it in previous previews but Southampton is where the Titanic sailed from on its ill-fated maiden voyage. With that in mind, I am pleased to be able to show you the opening scene from our much hyped sequel. Well, sequel to a sequel. That hasn’t been made yet (our screenplay is based on the idea that Jack obviously survived through Captain America freezing techniques and became a cyborg).

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TRITANIC 3: THRIC3 TH3 IC3

(or: No More Mr Niceberg/credit Benno)

EXT. Spaceport. A sprawling mass of humanity all excited to be traversing the cosmos. Think Mos Eisley but without the scum and villainy and Alec Guinness. The Titanic prominent in frame.

Jack III: I cant believe it Rose, it’s almost two thousand years since our grandparents [people live longer in this future, the science is explained later] embarked on the fateful maiden voyage where everyone died. Thank Xenu [Scientology is the only religion now] it’s legal to marry your siblings now [too far-fetched to believe this Jack would meet another Rose unless related – the plot makes it work].

Rose III: Boy, you said it! I’m sure Grandpa Cyborg Jack [Twotanic 2: This time it’s Cyborgs] and Rose 2 are up there in heaven right now, looking down on our incestuous but legal love with happiness! Let’s just hope nothing goes wrong on this maiden voyage aboard the TRItanic….In space!

Camera pans out to follow a young Irish lad chasing a hoop with a stick as he barrels down the concourse, the scale of the Tritanic majestic in its majesty. Juan Williams score ushers in opening credits.

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Southampton are a football team in the Premier League.

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Prediction: Affleck was the bomb in phantoms yo but his performance re: Jack  III makes it look like House Party 2. Studio to pull plug after learning of Brett’s involvement. 2-0 United, Marcus Martial to score all three.

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(@bifurcated_utd)

Still in Poland. Can’t find a waitress or a builder anywhere.

Prediction: Goals for Jerzy Dudek, Marie Curie and Roman Polanski. 0-0 United.